Quote From: homebnd55 Hi Mary,
I lived here in the same location all my life. Live in the city area. Always wanted to live more near the country, because of my phobia I never got anywhere. I blame myself for most everything that happens in my families lives. I feel like I hurt them so much with my dependency. My husband is really good about accepting me the way I am, working around my problem. He always did the grocery shopping, took the kids to drs. appointments. Went to their schools. Heck he even had to shop for my clothes, underwear and bras was a real kick for him!! At least he has good taste in clothes, most the time.
I am not able to do anything on my own, outside of the house. My husband is the only one I will venture out with once in a blue moon, and even then I want someone else with us. I am a big pain in my own butt. The way this started for me was I went out with a few co-workers to celebrate my boss leaving. At the end of the night we all went back to his apt.. He lit up some pot, and was not into that kind of stuff. Well peir pressure ya' know. I did take a hit off it and the next thing ya' know I was having a full blown attack. I left and walked home a few blocks away. It just wouldn't stop. I was scared to death, could'nt sleep. Next day felt the same way. And from there on in. I had to quit working ect.. Been in my own jail since. I really hate feeling like I'm locked inside myself. I cried so many tears not being able to do things with my children and go to their school functions, parks, places. I wanted to be a good mother, cause I didn't have a loving, good family. I do know that I gave my children lots of love, lots of kisses and hugs. They are all grown up, my youngest is 17 boy, here with me, 20 girl who lives here with her baby , he is 1 1/2. I have another son 23, married 2 children and one on the way. I have a 26 yr girl married 2 boys, a 30 yr. girl married , a girl and boy. They are all good kids, not angels per say, I'm pretty proud to be their mom. I don't want to bore you with my life all at once , I'll be waiting to hear from you.
Kathy
Sorry it took so long to reply. I had written you a long e-mail and sent it, but it didn't go through! Really #*!!'ed me off! These e-mails take me so long to write sometimes!
Anyway, you sound like you're a wonderful mother! Giving your children lots of hugs and kisses, letting them know that they are special and loved. I can't think of anything more important to give your children. A strong foundation. It's especially wonderful considering the family you grew up in. Thank God you had the insight.
I too grew up in a similiar family. I never remember my mom telling me she loved me. Never any hugs, kisses or any type of affection. She was always angry! Always yelling at us. Felt like a burden. Couldn't do anything right. There were 7 children, no father. I understand today why she behaved the way she did, but that doesn't take away the damage it caused. I realize that I have to give myself the love she wasn't able to. (Not easy when you think you are nothing).
So how do you feel when you do go "out"? Do you ever have anxiety when you are home? How are you if "people" come into your home?
I'm making a strong attempt to defeat this thing. I have to be honest and admit I've just been coasting for quite awile now. I've arranged my life according to the fear. I'm tired of it!
Before I started taking prozac in 90, I worked VERY HARD on defeating this fear. Therapy, 12 step groups, prayer, exercise, ate right, worked at McDonald's (in an attempt to overcome my fear by putting myself in a very public place), took classes and worked at a junior college. I did all of this while my agoraphobia was full blown. I don't know where I found the strenght.
After 2 solid years of this, I gave up. My counselor than suggested prozac. I was very hesitant. I finally took it, figuring "what do I have to loose?" Prozac helped tremendiousely in reducing the symptons of anxiety! I felt like I was let out of my prison, for at least awhile. Then slowly the fears returned. Nothing like they where before, but enough to stifle my life once again. I was SO TIRED of fighting this fear, that I kinda gave up fighting. The fear was more manageable. So I guess I've been coasting ever since. It makes me sad that I have wasted so much of my life.
So I'm ready to take this fear on again! I'm doing something about it! I've started working on a workbook that deals with anxieties. There's another guy that has posted on this sight (pinetree) that offers free handouts from a Dr. Richards. I've been in contact with him and have recieved several "bits" of very useful ingormation. We can beat this thing Kathy! It all starts in our mind and all the negative things we tell ourselves! Shall we do it together?
Hope all is well with you and your family. Take care....Mary
