Messages By: dramamama

Hello. I am a 33 year old wife and mother of one vivacious 3 year old. I was first molested at the age of 9 or 10. I was again molested at the age of 14 and 17. These were by 3 different men. Unrelated to me or each other. They were friends of my family, friends of mine, friends of a friend. I surpressed any memories of the first two events until I was 18. I was on a date with my boyfriend ( who is now my husband) and had a flashback ( like a movie in my head) to what had happened to me. I of course freaked out and freaked out my boyfriend. All of it came spilling out when he asked me what was wrong. I had luckily found the right person to dump on because he was nothing but supportive and compassionate. 

  

I have been in counseling and worked through most of my emotions and trama. I still have bouts of anger and have worked hard to find good outlets for it and how to cope with fits of rage inside. My husband has been with me now for 15 years. He's a good one. Despite the fact that sometimes these things affect our intimacy. 

  

I have discussed all of my fears for my daughter with him, including that he might one day betray us. I have chosen to trust him because he has shown no validity to my fears. In fact, he is careful to encourage my trust in every way. 

  

Anyway, I felt pulled to tell all of you that there is a light at the end of this very dark tunnel. That there can be a break in this legacy of abuse. That I am not perfect but have become more than a survivor of abuse. That my relations with my family are not perfect. That when I told them that some were supportive and some were denying and angry. Even afraid. But that I have become better than just survivor. I have chosen what I want to become and I refuse to let abuse define who I am. That I have chosen to make it another lesson to learn in life. That I do not and cannot belittle the impact of what happened to me and what is and has happened to many of us but we can do more than survive. We can live. 

  

Yes...I did...It's funny because as a child of 9 or 10 I don't remember ever even thinking of telling my parents as a option. I never thought of telling anyone. My dad was in the ministry and I was more concerned of how it would make him look than my own needs. It was like I already knew what the reaction would be so I dealt with it the best I could. I pushed it aside. The memories, the emotions everything. I never did tell my mom...my sister did. I was horrified to know she found out and I didn't even want to discuss it with her. These were her words to me ( I was in my late 20s) "What HAPPENED to you?" I was shocked she knew. I told her. "Well, he was just messing with you. When I was in high school I went on a date where a boy couldn't keep his hands off me. It's happens to everyone." "Mom, I was 10!" "You don't tell everything you know (my name)!" I had given my testimony my church. She was afraid someone in my church (states away from them) would know Daddy. Mind you, I was still mindful of his reputation...still protecting HIM! I was married so my last name is different. I never told anyone my maiden name, where I grew up, the church name of where this occured (Yes. It occured at CHURCH!), or any information that would lead anyone to anyone else but me. I felt that since the sicko is dead, it didn't need to be said.  Anyway it told my Mom that I didn't mean to hurt her or anyone else. This was my story and I did what I had to do. Many people came forward that day. One woman talked to me about the abuse she suffered at the hands of her own mother. It was worth it. All my Mom could say was "Don't tell your father. It would KILL him!" And she is right. It would. I was contemplating it but decided against it after talking to her. I love my Mom and Dad and even after her betrayal, I decided I could go on and heal without him having to know. She also said she would never be able to step foot in my church. That hurt me because my faith is very important to me. And my parents sharing in that growth is important to me. Like any little girl I want them to be proud of me and who they have helped me become. I am so proud of them. It was hard to see my Mom as human. I always thought of her as being larger than life and wanted nothing more than to be just like her. We are very close. But I have since realized that for my Mom, that was how SHE HAD to deal with it. The pain of realizing she had allowed this man to hurt me was too much. The funny thing is that I don't blame her for the abuse. She was a victim too. He groomed her just like he did me. But I do hold her responsible for her actions after she found out. Looking back at that time in my life I think she knew something was up. She had to have. She may have written it off as my struggles with entering adolescence but she knew. Deep down she knew. I have forgiven her for that however. Not because she deserves it but because for my own peace I wanted to. She is too important to me. I love her too much to let her go. So we don't discuss it. It may never come up again. I have chosen not to be bitter or angry. I will never bring it up to her because that would be a slap in the face to her. I have chosen to love her and forgive. It was the hardest thing I ever went through. Even harder than the abuse. I hope you can find some peace to. I am here to help it I can....Just let me know....

No. He died before I could. I confronted him in my mind. Almost a prayer to a dead spirit. Interesting that I said his spirit was dead. It has to be I believe to do this to a child. You have to die spiritually first I think.  

I would say that you handle it as maturely as you can. Call them, arrange a meeting in a place where YOU feel safe.... Take someone with you if you need to. Someone you totally trust and have discussed this with. Someone you feel will agree to support you unconditionally. Then tell them not just what you remember but what THEY did. Give them ownership of their actions. Keep throwing the ball back into their court. Not in an out of control way but as an adult.  Are you an adult? No matter be mature. But allow yourself to get angry and let those feelings show. They need to SEE how they hurt you. Don't let them deny it. Keep it in their face and let them know what you want from them. Acknowledgement? Validity? Respect? An apology? Honesty? You may not get those things. You MUST be prepared for that! Practice with yourself or someone first. Try to imagine how you think it will go. What will they say? What will you say? Add worse case scenarios. What is the worst thing that could happen? What would hurt the most? How will you handle that? Make your intentions clear. You are confronting him for YOUR needs not HIS!  Right? This is about YOU! Not protecting him! Don't tell him anything you don't want to. Don't let him guilt you or intimidate you. Imagine success. How will you feel after? What do you want to accomplish for yourself in doing this? Is it really what you want to do? Are you ready? Be strong! If no one else is...I AM here for you! I will be praying for you! 

Pray. You believe in God? Pray! He is always listening and He is always on YOUR side! Pray!
"Ask and you will receive, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened....." Pray! I will be praying for you too!

Yes. Family can be cruel sometimes. They don't like you rocking the boat. YOU ARE NOT TRASH! Remember you are what you say you are. What you want to be...Write down all your good qualities. Have your husband help you. What does he love about you? Screw the in-laws. Unfortuntely we often don't pick them anymore than we pick our own family but well, now they are your family too. Read in Ruth how she treated her in-laws (specifically her mother-in-law). How did she treat them? How did she feel about them? What can you pull from that story on how you should behave. NOT THAT YOU SHOULD TAKE ANY KIND OF ABUSE FROM ANYONE! But you can't control their actions. Sucks but its true. Do what you have to to survive? Find ways to find peace. NOT KEEP PEACE! FIND PEACE! for yourself. Often finding peace does not mean keeping peace. Did Jesus and his followers always keep the peace? NO WAY! They often stirred things up. Be right! And know you are doing what is right! Stand up for yourself. If you don't who will? Ever try to protect something that didn't want to be protected. Can't do it can you? Neither can your husband protect you if you don't think you are worth protecting....You are worth it....I think so....I can see power in you. Through your words. Your spirit is not dead or defeated. IT IS ALIVE! Keep fighting! You can do it! I did! YOU CAN! YOU CAN DO THIS! Be strong in the Lord! Rejoice in your accomplishments! Look how amazing you are! Look how far you have come! Look at what you could have been had you given up! Rememeber Romans 8:37-39...My life verses. Remember "All things work for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose.." Right? What's your purpose? What is He calling you to do? What is He trying to teach you? What does He want you to see through all of this? Remember He wants you strong in Him. You are stronger than you think! Keep on keeping on! There is a song "When I think I'm going under, part the waters Lord! When I feel the waves around me, calm the sea! When I cry for help, oh hear me Lord, and hold out your hand! Touch my life still the raging storm in me...." Part the waters girl...part the waters.....

Well, you gotta start somewhere...you are vindicated in not trusting them...they haven't given you a reason too have they?....but to learn to trust again is what has been robbed of you....you can do it but it will take a lot of courage and reassurance....and you will have to learn to forgive and give the benefit of the doubt...and know that you may be betrayed again.....it sucks doesn't it...I had to do the same thing...but it was worth it for my kids and my husband and our relationship....I had to rely on God to become bigger than myself....I pray all the time.....what it does is change your outlook and that is what helps create peace....my husband has to be very honest with me and I have to feel safe to be honest with him, no matter how much it hurts....honesty is the most important thing to me....I hate secrets....but I had to learn to draw the line with my husband and HE talks to his family...not me....not us....it's his family and he has to deal with them....you will come out the bad guy everytime...talk through him as much as possible...get yourselves on the same page....communicate A LOT!.....remember he is still her little boy no matter how old he gets.....it's difficult but it can be done....how does your husband feel...? 

  

Oh definitely! I threw them away when I felt I had dealt with those sets of problems and had gone on. It was for me a way to release it and let go....wasn't necessary but I wanted to rid myself of it and let go....not keep digging up the hatchet ya know? I was so bitter and angry for so long....it affected everything...it was eating me up! All I wanted by becoming bitter was for someone to say it was right for me to be mad....I wanted the right to be upset...I never felt I had that.....My dad' s dad was a drunk...I am thankful I don't know that experience first hand but he told me horrible stories of abuse from his childhood at the hands of his father....and the shame....similar to how I felt about my abuse....but we have nothing to be ashamed of...do we? I read some books. Christian ones and non-christian...I went through counseling.....both individual and marriage....it affects your whole family....it's like a contagious disease...like a legacy that gets passed from generation to generation....I wrote a poem about that once....threw it away...wish I'd kept that one....well, it's written in heaven I guess....I reached out for help wherever I could and that was hard....I am so independent. I hate asking for help, but I learned that that is what life is all about isn't it? Helping others and leaning on each other....We lean on God too..He is the greatest. I prayed aloud and in my journal...I bought devotional books  and started a quiet time of 5 minutes or less to read the Bible, pray, and learn...It helps...I am so glad to be able to help or just be here....you are beginning to mean alot to me...don't mean to get mushy but I can understand you...you know? I want more than anything to help those who have gone through sexual abuse...it's like a calling...I'm drawn to it...weird...lol...I am so glad things are improving for you....there will be moments when the world will seem to come to a end...just never give up....keep fighting...you're a fighter aren't you?

That's great! Good for you! Praise God! Don't worry......there may still be hope for you and your Mom.....pray for her...maybe as she sees the changes in you she will change as well.....my Mom did......after I gave my testimony in church she swore she would never step foot in my church....but after some time and realizing that I didn't blame her for the abuse and that whatever responsibliity she had she was forgiven for, she did go to church with me....we don't always see eye to eye but she loves and respects me and I her............In the meantime, you are right to try to focus on your healing....no one can be responsible for your own happiness, you must choose to be happy......and you are..........there will be many other aha moments and I hope you and your daughter can reconcile....just remember that you owe her nothing more than being a mother......you can't be her God....I have a 3 year old myself and I have learned as much from her as she has from me if not more....I love her with all my heart and I want to be everything for her but know I can't.....all she wants from me is for me to be her mom.........that's it.........she loves without question and forgives without hesitation....because she is my daughter and I am her mom.......She loves me because I love her.......it's as simple as that.......and I don't think anything will ever change that.....your daughter is still your little girl and somewhere she is still the little girl who wants to be a big girl and have her Mommy and Daddy be so proud of her......you can't protect her from hurt...life is full of it.....you can only be there to support her in whatever way she needs it........for what its  worth I am proud of you and I hope that others will be inspired by your revelations.........and for the record....we need more Dr. Phil's and Robins in this world.......but I know what you meant.....  :-) Keep on keeping on.....I will continue to pray for you............"We are more than conquerors....." Romans 8:37-39

Geez...I thought I was doing ok on this issue....but this is the hardest thing I have ever done.....I am so paranoid that I will be betrayed by someone I love and trust again that I second guess everyone....Does anyone else feel like your crazy? I put people under the gun basically....and then I don't believe what they say even when they say what I hoped they would....I am so afraid that I will miss something......That I will find out they are lying to me.....Not everyone....men mostly....I know why...I know what is happening but I have to be sure......I have to hear it and constantly get reassurance that everything is ok.......I am better but I fight so hard.....sometimes I just get tired....and I have to search for the peace. It is much easier that it was but still not so easy........Makes me tired.....

Thanks...I of course feel better today but  some days...Whew! It is so helpful for someone to say I know how you feel...it's ok...and all of that stuff...lol...I do journal but not all the time....I do a quiet time everyday of reading my Bible with a devotional book as a guide and yes this thing has threatened my marriage too...not fair is it...as for family well I don't discuss it with them but my best friend and I were both molested by the same man so we do sometimes....it is hard still...I think talking here is easier...anyway thanks again! You are a real encourager.