Quote From: sindzkI believe in a particular faith. I'm Protestant. It helps me more than anything in all honesty. I have gone to counselling in the past... Quite a few people have told me it's probably time to go back. Lately, I've just been writing a lot of poetry to get it out... that helps a lot too. I still feel very ashamed and dirty though. I honestly can't seem to shake it..., except by scrubbing my skin -- not cleaning, scrubbing. I won't let myself do that anymore, because I think it really turned into a form of self-destruction, and I'm trying to rebuild not tear down. I guess I'm really rambling right about now. I don't think I'm bitter, by I am very angry at my uncle, at my family for taking his side, at myself for not stopping him.... Come to think of it, I'm really dealing with a lot of anger issues... Sometimes, I feel like I'm boiling inside. It's new. I never used to feel angry. Why now?
You wouldn't be able to stop him if you were not supported. Remember that kids aren't dumb. I never told my parents because I knew they wouldn't help me. You were A CHILD! Children are supposed to be protected not expected to defend themselves against an adult. I don't care if you were 6 or 16...you were a child.....your parents failed you. That was so hard for me to accept but my parents failed me. They didn't know what to do so they did nothing. I am convinced that they knew. There were too many signs to make them think otherwise. They decided to turn away and let it go. They were wrong. They failed me and they will answer for it someday. I don't say that out of hate or malice...it is simply the truth. We will all answer for our actions one day good or bad. But I know that because I am His, they will be all wiped away. And I know that I will do everything possible to protect my daughter but if she has to go through this one day, I will do things very differently. VERY differently! My baby is almost 4. She is my heart. She knows because I tell her that all people are not very nice. That there are BAD PEOPLE and that sometimes they can be like monsters. But she also knows that her Daddy and I are her protectors and that no matter what, even if she must tell on one of us that we would both protect her from whatever. That we have her back. We do not tell her what she can't handle. Only what she can understand and that she must never go to or near someone even someone she knows without our permission. And we do not let ourselves be fooled by anyone. I had a incident a couple of summers ago where we took her swimming at the pool in our apartment complex we were living in at the time. I noticed a man watching her. I always make it a habit of making eye contact with anyone who watches her. It is my way of saying I see you and now you see me seeing you. I do not back down and if they question me I tell them I am watching out for my child. No one has ever questioned me however. But this guy never saw me. He only stared at her. She was 2, and admittedly adorable but HEY! What is so mezmerizing about a 2 year old girt mister?!!!! So I told my husband what I was witnessing and he began to watch him. She was playing with a beach ball. She was throwing it to her Daddy in the pool and he tried to get her to throw it to him. He said "She is beautiful! Wait until she is 16!" I said thank you and continued to watch hoping I wasn't witnessing what I was. Then when he said it again I said "But she's not!" and gave him the Mommy look. He backed off. Got out of the pool and reclined in a pool chair as he continued to watch her. So I told my husband let's go. We left. Careful to make sure he wasn't following. I got on line to look at the Sex Offender Registry, and THERE HE WAS! Sure enough! We called the front office and to see if he lived in the complex. #1 If a known sex offender moves into your area or your complex, they are required by law to let you know. #2 The complex said they do not accept known sex offenders in the complex. So he was there without anyone's knowledge. Complex pools are not for the public at large and we all had to have passes so, the office started checking. What they should have been doing already! And we made copies of his face and record and posted them everywhere, and handed them out to everyone we could with the permission of the complex. We never saw him or heard anything about him again, until we moved and out of curiosity I wanted to see what had happened to him. He must have been caught because he is now in a prison rehabilitaiton facility. So see.....it was my job to protect my daughter...and my husbands job. I feel because I what I have been through I was able to recognize the signs in that man that were twisted. I've met him before. 3 times. You are NOT responsible. Your responsiblities lie in healing and helping others and you are doing that. Stop beating yourself up! Forgive yourself. For what? For whatever you imagine you did. The lies you have been told and are believing! YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME! IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! I will pray that God will show you that He doesn't hold you responsible and you shouldn't hold yourself responsible either. Allow blame to fall on the shoulders of those that it belongs to. If you have to sit down and write out how each person was to blame starting with your offender and continuing to your mom and other family members. You will see that the blame doesn't even fall in your court.
