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Messages By: lauratexas
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November 2, 2005, 8:02 am PST
 Okay, I'm no expert, but the controlling husband that was profiled mirrored all MY symptoms and I was diagnosed OCD several years ago. I am SURPRISED that Dr. Phil didn't seem to get to the root of his obsessive behavior. Or did I miss something while changing my son's diaper?
Is there a double standard here? The described 'stepford wife' seemed to get a bit more sympathy with from Dr. Phil with regard to her root problems and what might be causing her behavior while the controlling husband seemed to be expected just to shape up and change!
I can tell you from experience that the obsessive need to control your environment is difficult to change without professional help. I had horrible temper tantrums and nightmares when my environment was altered. It has taken years of counseling and other treatments to get me to a point where I can take it in stride. (For the record: I do not advocate drug therapy. I had horrible reactions)
In any case, I don't believe it would be as easy for the husband to change. I believe he has some deep rooted fears and does not recognize that his need to have things 'just so' is a symptom that needs to be dealt with professionally.
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November 2, 2005, 5:31 pm PST
Quote From: storyofmyl My name is Tannie,I'm a 39yr old Afr.Am.Woman.I have a FEAR of DRIVING and I WANT SO BADLY to overcome this.I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! I feel ashamed and embarrassed just about everyday of my life. I have let the fear of making a mistake keep me from driving.It's not that I don't want to drive,but I can't even make myself just get in a car and attempt to drive.I wish I had the courage,I would like to get my first drivers license before my 40th birthday,Dec.16,2005. I am so disapointed in myself for not being able to move pass my fears.I grew up an only child in a home with a alcoholic father who verbally abused my mother.Every word that she heard,I heard.Every tear she cried, I cried even more.Sometimes it felt like we were the only two people in the world.I cried more between the age of 8-14 than some do in a lifetime.We left our home a "few"times thru the years, to get away from him.We would stay with relatives,during this time I was molested by 2 young men who were friends of the family.My mother did the best that she could but I never felt safe.Today,both my parents are deceased.I have been married to my wonderful husband Eddie for almost 18yrs,Dec.19,2005.We had infertility problems for close to 15yrs and this did not help the way I was feeling.In Feb. of 2003,God gave us a miracle,I gave birth to a healthy beautiful baby girl.I named her Spirit. We don't have alot,but Spirit is a light of hope that was needed for so long,she gave me a sense of purpose in my life.I want to be all that my family needs me to be.Not driving has kept me from living my most productive life,I have had to set limits on myself. I have a lack of "drive" for fear of failure.I don't want to live this way !! Thru the years of wanting a baby, I thought having a baby would make every saddness go away,but it is not that simple. I had worked since I was16,now I enjoy being a stay home mom,but soon I will need to get a job . I need to be able to drive myself ,I don't want to depend on others for a ride. I don't know anyone who is AFRAID to drive.WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I believe that there is more to this than just me not driving, but how can I get help without money. I have isolated myself from friends and family,I don't want my child to grow up in this "BOX"with me. I have written to DrPhil and Ms.O for help,but I know I got lost in the millions. IT'S ALL UP TO ME. Please Pray For My Strength You know, sometimes I would get stuck in my house for weeks at a time. I also get afraid to drive, afraid when anyone leaves the house, afraid of my dreams and even afraid that my fears are really preminitions.
I tried religion, meditation, medication..etc. First of all, it CAN get better. Much better. I began to understand that I had a lot of 'crutches' for dealing with pain and fear in my past (I was sexually abused as a child). As I went through therapy I began to lose the ability to rely on things that used to distract me from my fears (alcohol, sex, relationship addictions...) When I recognized that I couldn't fit those behaviors into the life I was living I got rid of them. The problem was, all that was left was FEAR. I had finally come face to face with it.
There are a number of ways I dealt with it:
1) I prayed about it and asked God to send me help.
2) I took time to think about my thoughts. I thought "these fears are unfounded", "I can do this", "millions of people do this everyday". If I started having negative thoughts I would say to myself "just because you are thinking this, doesn't make it real" or "Is this what I am really afraid of?"
3) I took a break from watching the news and programs that had disasters as topics.
4) I ate well, exercised and tried to force myself to get some rest.
5) I started seeing a chiropractor that did a neuro-modulation technique that helped my mind and body work more efficiently. It was supposed to help balance out my hormones and increase absorption of vitamins in food and a bunch of other things. My understanding is that my body was still reacting on a 'fight or flight' level or 'panic state'. All kinds of hormones and responses were happening in my body when they shouldn't be. Well, I don't know how it worked but I noticed less panic afterwards.
6) I started giving myself permission to enjoy things in life. I started by taking chances and letting people in. I didn't want to be a needy friend or a doormat so I took things slowly. But, my life coach made me do something drastic. She made me go up to a perfect stranger and ask them for help. In my case, I went up to a person and asked them to pump my gas for me because the fumes made me naseous when I was pregnant. She said I had to learn to ask for what I needed and to love myself enough to accept the gift of someone's help. That was a huge moment for me! After that, I began letting my friends back in my life and asking for help when I needed it so that I didn't gradually become helpless and needy.
Well, I could go on but I won't.
Just know that you are not alone. There is nothing wrong with you that love won't cure. Love life, love yourself.
And if you need help, let me know - LMK |
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November 5, 2005, 11:41 am PST
Quote From: storyofmyl Everything you wrote made sense to me. It has me thinking about alot of things that I have intentionally block out of my head.(it always comes back ..) I think once I can stop making excuses and really let myself feel . It hurts when I think about the lost of "life" that I've had. Talking about how I feel has helped me to want to pick myself up,out of a "pool of myself". I'm only looking forward to good things and I will take all you said and see how I can apply it to my needs.I know it won't be a "quick fix".After living with fear for so long,I don't know how to live without it. I'M READY TO LEARN!! Thank You so much for caring about me.Bless You,Hope to talk to you soon,Tannie I just had a long talk with my sister who has persistent thoughts that trouble her. It just amazes me how we give ourselves permission to believe the thoughts that are in our head. Not all of them are true and many of them just repeat our fears back to us until we think they are real.
One of the things my sister and I figured out is that happiness is unconditional! Meaning, you can NEVER tell yourself, "I'll be happy if...". You simply just deserve happiness and there are no ifs ands or buts about it. The minute you say, "I'll be happy if..., I'll be safe if..., I'll be able to do this if..." you give life the ammunition to take happiness, safety or ability from you. You have to confront yourself and say "I'm going to be happy EVEN if...I'm going to be fine, safe, able, etc!" I JUST AM! Even if the worst happens I will go on.
It makes me feel good just saying it.
Anyway, I hope things are going well for you. Do keep in touch - Laura |
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November 5, 2005, 1:56 pm PST
Quote From: pocite Hi everyone.... I just need someone to talk to. My husband is already kinda tired of me and my fears, I guess, and there is no one I could talk to...so I turn to you. Thanks for spending some of your time reading my message. I think I have a problem. We moved in Hawaii 4 months ago, and we live in a 1.200 $ apartment, really nice, but still, there are roaches... almost everyday, I have to kill, At least one. And they are big, huge... and I think I'm getting crazy because of this.. When I see them , I get scared, and sad, I'm all sweaty, and don't know what to do ...I keep looking on the floors, and the walls, and every where I can possibly see...and this is kinda stressful, and I really want to know if there is anything I can do.. to get well...I know there is nothing they can do to me, but still...I am afraid of them...All day long, I'm inside the apartment, alone, since my husband is working, and I hate to just stare at the walls, thinking that anytime, one of them will appear .... I do use a lot of spray, but I guess it's not good enough.... Is there any help for me out there, that doesn't involve me, approaching my fears? Because I heard that this is the best way to treat your fears, by confronting them. And I know I can't do that. Thank you for your time.... Elena First of all, I hate roaches. I used to live in an apartment where they would fly around at night no matter how much we cleaned. One night I told my husband that I was going to sleep at my Mom's house if I saw one more roach and opened up the medicine cabinet to find one sitting on my toothbrush. I HATE ROACHES.
Let me just say that I think using a lot of spray is toxic for you as well as the roaches. You really do need to get outside. A little bit of the Hawaiian and sun and the fresh air will do you good.
You also need to find something for you while your husband is at work. I know it is easy to feel isolated when you move to a knew place where you might not know anyone. You need to meet people. Join a walkers group, a book club, anything. Get out there and focus on anything but the roaches. That will go a long way in dealing with your fears.
If there is one thing that my husband has taught me is that I have to learn how to find my own happiness and fight my own fears. I know it sounds harsh and not the way most of us would like it to be, but it's true. If you depend on someone else for that then you begin to worry and obsess about that person and if they should ever leave or if something happens to them. If you give yourself the power to make you happy then you can just be happy and bring so much fullfilment to your relationship.
Anyway, I know I rattle on. Hope some of this helps. Take care, Laura |
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