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Messages By: labella226

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December 28, 2005, 1:47 pm CST

An inherited perfectionist

My father was definitely a perfectionist in everything he did. My mother was a slob. When I was in school (both elementary and high school) he would check my homework for any errors. Also he would check my penmanship.  If my writing was just a little messy, he would tear up all of the written work I did and make me do it over again and again until I satisfied his qualifications. He was a neat freak in the house as well. After my mother would clean the house (as she would call it) my dad would give it the white glove test like on TV.  If there was a spot of dust or dirt, he would go off the wall yelling and make her do it over again.  I took after my dad.  My own home is spotless and everything is in its proper place. Before people come into my home I make them wipe their shoes off thoroughly, no smoking or ash trays in my home and I DO NOT ALLOW any kids in my home because they distroy it.  My own son hates to visit me because I follow him with a cleaning rag to catch his small messes.  He told me he feels very uncomfortable in my home and would rather I visit him instead of he visiting me.  Dr. Phil, would you say I am becoming obsessed or am I just another extra clean person. I tried to reform somewhat but, I can't.  That's just who I am. My attitude is if you don't like it, don't visit me.!! 

 
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December 28, 2005, 1:47 pm CST

An inherited perfectionist

My father was definitely a perfectionist in everything he did. My mother was a slob. When I was in school (both elementary and high school) he would check my homework for any errors. Also he would check my penmanship.  If my writing was just a little messy, he would tear up all of the written work I did and make me do it over again and again until I satisfied his qualifications. He was a neat freak in the house as well. After my mother would clean the house (as she would call it) my dad would give it the white glove test like on TV.  If there was a spot of dust or dirt, he would go off the wall yelling and make her do it over again.  I took after my dad.  My own home is spotless and everything is in its proper place. Before people come into my home I make them wipe their shoes off thoroughly, no smoking or ash trays in my home and I DO NOT ALLOW any kids in my home because they distroy it.  My own son hates to visit me because I follow him with a cleaning rag to catch his small messes.  He told me he feels very uncomfortable in my home and would rather I visit him instead of he visiting me.  Dr. Phil, would you say I am becoming obsessed or am I just another extra clean person. I tried to reform somewhat but, I can't.  That's just who I am. My attitude is if you don't like it, don't visit me.!! 

 
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January 3, 2006, 3:23 pm CST

Stuck in Neutral

Dear Dr. Phil:  I have been on your weight loss plan for a year and a half.  I have lost 27 pounds and went from a size 16 to 13.  I need to lose at least 12 more pounds for my height I am 5'7" and presently weigh 155 lbs.  I am very good keeping to the rules of eating and not keeping food in the house that will tempt me.  For some reason, I have been stuck at this weight for a long time and can't seem to lose another pound no matter what I do.  I have to admit, this is got me rather depressed and discouraged.  What can I do to lose the remaining pounds?? Please Dr. Phil, I need your advice.    Arlene
 
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January 3, 2006, 3:24 pm CST

Stuck in Neutral

Dear Dr. Phil:  I have been on your weight loss plan for a year and a half.  I have lost 27 pounds and went from a size 16 to 13.  I need to lose at least 12 more pounds for my height I am 5'7" and presently weigh 155 lbs.  I am very good keeping to the rules of eating and not keeping food in the house that will tempt me.  For some reason, I have been stuck at this weight for a long time and can't seem to lose another pound no matter what I do.  I have to admit, this is got me rather depressed and discouraged.  What can I do to lose the remaining pounds?? Please Dr. Phil, I need your advice.    Arlene
 
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March 11, 2006, 12:31 pm CST

Shamika's Problem

Dear Dr. Phil:  I can relate to Shamika's mistrust, fear and barrier around her heart to ever trust anyone again even her husband.  I came from a dysfunctional family myself.  My mom was an alcoholic since the day I was born, my father had a bad temper. They fought a lot, they would not speak to eachother for months at a time, I was always in the middle. My mom had a boyfriend on the side which my dad suspected.   I myself was married to a very physically and mentally abusive husband for 8 years until I finally could not take it any more and got a divorce. After that I was in a relationship with a foreign man for 20 years.   I was physically and verbally abused by him. He constantly made me feel that I was useless, lazy and good for nothing. He never praised me only tore me down. Finally after the 20th year, I decided to break up with him and move to another state.  I have a serious problem trusting any man after all this.  I was in therapy for 4 months (1x a week).  Even the therapist could not get through to me.  I want a life very much, I am a kind, loving, passionate, caring woman who has a lot to offer that right man, but I don't  know what to do anymore to break down this barrier I have around my heart. Every time a man wants to get close to me or I feel he is starting to like me, I immediately break it off for fear it will lead to more hurt down the line.  Dr. Phil can you please see if you can do anything with me. Everyone else failed but I do have faith in you; you seem to be able to reach so many people and help them.  I have no one to talk to; both my parents are now dead, I have not family left.  Please Dr. Phil come to my rescue.  Sometimes I seriously get thoughts in my head that I don't want to go on living anymore I have no reason for living. Can you help me!!   Arlene in Orlando Florida.
 
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April 23, 2006, 12:14 pm CDT

04/21 Baby Wars

Quote From: bunneymate

Until men can learn to keep it in their pants, they need to reap what they sow.  If paying for an unwanted kid is the case, well it's an expensive lesson to learn but it's still a valuable one.  

  

I can't tell you how many times I've heard the b.s. "she was on the pill" or "she said she can't get pregnant" in response to some male acting a fool when it comes to birth control.  Men will lie to get out of any sort of parental responsibility.  My ex actually said his ex-wife lied to him to "trap him in the marriage" by having a kid.  Then he went on to insist that he not wear a condom or anything FULL WELL KNOWING that I wasn't on birth control of any sort.  And he not only impregnated me, but put the pressure on to get an abortion, threatening everything but my life.  I ditched him, and he went on to impregnate another lady.  

  

Yet he said she wasn't even his girlfriend and didn't know who she was (as she was carrying his kid) and was still sleeping with other women...without protection.  And I can tell you that he'd be the first in line for some sort of relinquishment of responsibility.  He's been trying for years...13 to be exact.  And the only person he hurts is his child.  It's the saddest thing I've ever seen.  

  

That Matt kid on the show just reminded me of my ex.  He needs to stop acting like a little brat and be a man and own up to his "mistake."  No one said he had to be a FATHER...he just has to fund the child he made.  It's kind of like creaing a ton of credit card debt: you may think that you're all good and under the radar but you still have to pay off the balance, whether you want to or not.  Even in ID theft, people still have to pay the balances on the cards that other people made in their names (my family member is going through this right now).  Like Dr. Phil said, if he really wanted control, he'd have insisted on a condom (b/c birth control pills are more fallible than condoms).    

  

And like Gessart said, when a guy starts going through the risks of pregnancy, he can whine about choices.  Until then, his only choice is to keep it in his pants if he doesn't want to deal w/responsibility.  

 
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June 5, 2006, 4:33 pm CDT

Us Poor dumped Women

Quote From: rural13

I believe that the reason one person dumps another, is simply because their needs and desires have changed somewhere along the way, but they have FAILED miserably to communicate that to their partner, before it was "too late".  If partners would do a better job of communicating their Natural desire for change, AS it evolves, the world would be a better place, and marriage would become a stable institution again.     

Likewise, if the other partner (dumpee so to speak) weren't so afraid to acknowledge visible and/or verbal signs that their mate's tastes were changing, they too could take charge of the situation and it's prevention.  To do so though, means taking personal responsibility for changes in another person, and requires then to make changes (wanted or wanted) to themselves in order to save the relationship.  "Change", although natural when it happens to us, is not always "a good thing" when it happens to those we are so close to, especially when it occurs at a time when we ourselves have a need to hold on to the "stability" of our relationships.  "Stability" for most people does not translate to "evolving" or "changing", but rather means "remains the same", or "is predictable".     

I myself ignored the redflag warning signs that my husband of 12 years was going though "changes" in his personality.  I attempted to attribute it all to things that HE was going through, so HE needed to address and resolve them, but were NOT mine to be responsible for.  I demanded that he hold onto the "responsibility of being married and a parent" and to DEAL with HIS issues, and then  I failed miserably to take my half of the responsibility to maintain them.  Ultimately he left like a thief in the night one day while I was at work, and with no better reason than "I know that I'm being an A**hole, I'm sorry that I'm being an A**hole, but right now, I have a NEED to be an A**hole".  Needless to say, I was both dumbstruck and livid, until I put myself into the equasion.  It takes 2, and although it may have started and ended with his changes, it ended as a direct result of his not better communicating them, as well as my not better addressing the needs that were obvious to me.   I had a need for stability, at a time when he had a need for change.  My display for the need of stability, did not entitle me to expect the same from him (although, gee, wouldn't that have been a nice concept), and my fear of losing what I wanted, cost me all that I had with him.  

So "If" he's not into you, ask yourself,.............why?  Then don't just ask him, make him tell you in detail what it is that he NOW has a need for in a partner.  If you are not or can not become that person, then it's a no brainer.  Either he get's help getting back on track with your needs, or you need to let him do you a favor, and let him go.   

  

I personally, through my own many years of experience, think men today to not know what or who they want.  They all look for a Marilyn Monroe type and don't give a hoot what's in the persons heart or mind. They only think with their eyes.  Then they have the nerve to complain when the relationship does not work to their satisfaction.  Another thing, I think men have too high standards on what they are looking for.  They want the perfect woman in all ways.  Do they ever stop to think if they are completely perfect or great looking or irresistable?  No!!  Men start thinking with your mind and brains and logic and not with your parts below the belt.  After time, that wears pritty thin as well. Arlene from Orlando Florida!! 

 
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July 9, 2006, 1:08 pm CDT

On line dating-is it all that great

I have been in the personal ads for many years on and off.  All I seem to meet is jerks, cheap guys or married men looking for side jobs. Then I decided to try on-line dating. I never got to meet any of them only through messaging eachother.  After about six e-mails from them, the truth comes out. You catch them in some sort of a lie or distorted image they gave themself to be. They seem to be all losers as well.  Dr. Phil, if all else fails what are single women supposed to do to meet a serious minded man looking for a decent, great girl?  I feel there are many of us women out there that need answers before we become old and gray and loose interest in the things that should always remain important to us. 

 
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July 16, 2006, 11:23 am CDT

The trusting mooching roommate

Whoever is considering letting their good friends move in with them, A Word To The Wise!! Make sure there is some kind of a financial agreement ahead of time before letting them move in.  I made a big mistake by letting my I thought best girlfriend move in with me. I told her all she had to do was pay half of the expenses of running the house, etc: rent, electric, cable, phone. At the time I made the agreement, I was working part time but, now I lost my job and have no income coming in at all. This girl works a full-time job and also collects social security.  She refuses to pay actual rent; a set figure. She said to me at least I'm helping with some of the bills, ain't that good enough? I feel she is taking advantage of me and don't even care if I have no money coming in at all at my end.  She has a lot of money left over and I'm running in the red with the bank and she just don't care. I should have made a written rent agreement at the very beginning but, I trusted her. I think a lot of times she lies to me as well but, I can't prove it.   Dr. Phil, how can I handle this situation, I know this girl for seven years and we have been good friends when we lived apart from eachother. I don't know how to handle this because I'm scared of hurting her feelings.  Arlene-from Florida
 
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August 27, 2006, 12:40 pm CDT

Lincoln Freed The Slaves

Marriage should be a 50/50 deal. There should be no bosses. Each party should cooperate in running the household especially when two people go out to work. When you become a slave to your spouse, what is happening is that you are being owned like a utility, and run and ordered like a robot. You loose control of your own self, value and esteem.  Any one involved in this type of relationship should put an end to it.  I put up with it for 15 years and could not see the light. All my friends told me to leave but, I felt that this is what love is about.  When it got too unbearable, and I lost my complete identity, gained a lot of fear from him, then I knew that this is pulling me down big time.  I finally left.  I would rather be alone and safe than have company and be intimidated.

     Arlene

 

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