Messages By: labella226

Until men can learn to keep it in their pants, they need to reap what they sow.  If paying for an unwanted kid is the case, well it's an expensive lesson to learn but it's still a valuable one.  

I can't tell you how many times I've heard the b.s. "she was on the pill" or "she said she can't get pregnant" in response to some male acting a fool when it comes to birth control.  Men will lie to get out of any sort of parental responsibility.  My ex actually said his ex-wife lied to him to "trap him in the marriage" by having a kid.  Then he went on to insist that he not wear a condom or anything FULL WELL KNOWING that I wasn't on birth control of any sort.  And he not only impregnated me, but put the pressure on to get an abortion, threatening everything but my life.  I ditched him, and he went on to impregnate another lady.  

Yet he said she wasn't even his girlfriend and didn't know who she was (as she was carrying his kid) and was still sleeping with other women...without protection.  And I can tell you that he'd be the first in line for some sort of relinquishment of responsibility.  He's been trying for years...13 to be exact.  And the only person he hurts is his child.  It's the saddest thing I've ever seen.  

That Matt kid on the show just reminded me of my ex.  He needs to stop acting like a little brat and be a man and own up to his "mistake."  No one said he had to be a FATHER...he just has to fund the child he made.  It's kind of like creaing a ton of credit card debt: you may think that you're all good and under the radar but you still have to pay off the balance, whether you want to or not.  Even in ID theft, people still have to pay the balances on the cards that other people made in their names (my family member is going through this right now).  Like Dr. Phil said, if he really wanted control, he'd have insisted on a condom (b/c birth control pills are more fallible than condoms).    

And like Gessart said, when a guy starts going through the risks of pregnancy, he can whine about choices.  Until then, his only choice is to keep it in his pants if he doesn't want to deal w/responsibility.  

I believe that the reason one person dumps another, is simply because their needs and desires have changed somewhere along the way, but they have FAILED miserably to communicate that to their partner, before it was "too late".  If partners would do a better job of communicating their Natural desire for change, AS it evolves, the world would be a better place, and marriage would become a stable institution again.     

Likewise, if the other partner (dumpee so to speak) weren't so afraid to acknowledge visible and/or verbal signs that their mate's tastes were changing, they too could take charge of the situation and it's prevention.  To do so though, means taking personal responsibility for changes in another person, and requires then to make changes (wanted or wanted) to themselves in order to save the relationship.  "Change", although natural when it happens to us, is not always "a good thing" when it happens to those we are so close to, especially when it occurs at a time when we ourselves have a need to hold on to the "stability" of our relationships.  "Stability" for most people does not translate to "evolving" or "changing", but rather means "remains the same", or "is predictable".     

I myself ignored the redflag warning signs that my husband of 12 years was going though "changes" in his personality.  I attempted to attribute it all to things that HE was going through, so HE needed to address and resolve them, but were NOT mine to be responsible for.  I demanded that he hold onto the "responsibility of being married and a parent" and to DEAL with HIS issues, and then  I failed miserably to take my half of the responsibility to maintain them.  Ultimately he left like a thief in the night one day while I was at work, and with no better reason than "I know that I'm being an A**hole, I'm sorry that I'm being an A**hole, but right now, I have a NEED to be an A**hole".  Needless to say, I was both dumbstruck and livid, until I put myself into the equasion.  It takes 2, and although it may have started and ended with his changes, it ended as a direct result of his not better communicating them, as well as my not better addressing the needs that were obvious to me.   I had a need for stability, at a time when he had a need for change.  My display for the need of stability, did not entitle me to expect the same from him (although, gee, wouldn't that have been a nice concept), and my fear of losing what I wanted, cost me all that I had with him.  

So "If" he's not into you, ask yourself,.............why?  Then don't just ask him, make him tell you in detail what it is that he NOW has a need for in a partner.  If you are not or can not become that person, then it's a no brainer.  Either he get's help getting back on track with your needs, or you need to let him do you a favor, and let him go.