Messages By: penny36

I really don' t do things like this and just post information about my personal life up so strangers to see but i really need to get some feedback and know if i'm doomed to have a terrible sex life or if it was just a bad experience. I can't talk to my mom or my sister about this because they would flip out about it cause they hate the guy and don't want me even talking to him. I know my best freind would be understanding and supportive but she doesnt like to talk about sex and thinks that you should wait until you are married. i obviously didn't (in case you didn't catch that by now). I am 18 and today I had sex with one of my guy freinds. well he isnt just a guy freind we dated for awhile a few years ago, he is the ex-best freind of one of my  VERY  close guy freinds (like i think in the long run we will be together, cause no mattter waht happens it always comes down to the two of usstill being there for each other), and my neighbor across the street. he is the only guy that i have actually fooled around with and i know i am not the only girl he has been with. I am a very flirtacious person and very suggestive, my big problem is that i do not want to be  a tease and i have trouble saying no so i end up doing things that i know are mistakes (like this). this guy is the same way and i think thats what pulls us together so much. one of my problems when im with him is that i end up following his "game" and not doing my thing. so anyways, his was my first time and there were things that were very awkward (im not going to get into details) and painful. even though he tried to make me happy it didnt work, partially cause there wasnt much floor play ( the entire thing was over in less than twenty minutes,idk but that seems quite breif) and i dissociate. thats one of my main concerns, i like the "high" from being able to get guys aroused but when im doing anything like that i dont feel anything physically, emotionally or mentally (mentally im usually thinking of the outcome of doing whatever). this is something my best freind actually talked to me about and said that as long as im doing it i mine as well enjoy it but i just cant be that open. because of this and the fact taht i am an extremely shy person (except for when it comes to leading guys on) i don't speak up and say what does or doesnt work for me. my second problem is that i found out from the guy i slept with that my very close guy freind is thinking of asking a girl out he just has to straighten out a few things. i could be wrong but i am thinking it might beme just cause i got mad at him a few days ago and then we have been dealing with that, and he doesnt really seem to be pursuing any other girls in that way, and we talked about being each others first when he comes ome for thanksgiving (yeah i know i majorly blew that one). if its not me then hes a jerk for leading me on a talking about having sex and stuff (which is so not him, he is the sweetest guy i know and he said he would never do anything like that to me) but if it is me then i just made a huge mistake and may have killed any chance of anything between us. which brings me to one of my questions, if it comes up (or we are going to sleep together) should i tell him? my other questions are how do i connect when i am with a guy? how do i speak up and say what i want? and please tell me its jsut a first time thing and it wont always be so awkward. thank you for reading this, i know i tend to ramble on but its a complicae mess. any thoughts or comments at all would be apprecited (and i am expecting people to say i am a terrible slut for having sex with someone im not in love with so any negative feedback will not be a surprise)

I was shocked and appalled when i read your comment. No one in their right mind would ever imagine or make up or lie about such a terrible exerience. Until you have been abused yourself you will never understand the hurt and embarrassment and shame that is felt. You do not want everyone knowing that you are able to be hurt so badly and you try to to push it out of your head(even though that never works). Its even worse as a child because you are just learning about forming a relationships with people and how the world woks so it may take you years to realize that there was something wrong and that what happened wasnt right. saying that someone who doesnt come out about their abuse right away or that someone who was abused is lying is as bad as the abuse. there is nothing worse than finally being able to come to terms enough with the abuse to tell people about it and then having those people tell you that it isnt that bad or that it didnt happen. As a victim of abuse I feel that people like you who deny that abuse happens are part of the problem and are just as bad as the abuser.

 My childhood abuse had been a major factor in my relationships with many people. I cannot trust any man i meet, including my family memerbs or freinds i have had for years. i do not get attached to people because i believe that as soon as i trust them they wil hurt me. i also am very shy and quiet becaue i do not want people knowing that i could actually be a victim and that people could actually hurt me, so in order to prevent something from slipping out i dont say much. i also do not like to get attached to men and be vulnerable, which has complicated my datng life immensely. little things(like messing around and a little tap on the shoulder) trgger the reaction that a guy is trying to hurt me and that i need to protect myself, which has complicated any relationships because i put up a wall and become very defensive and the guy is confused. i have tried so hard to heal those wounds and to trust people but it is still always there. well here's my story: 

     i am now 18 years old and it has been about 8 years since i was abused. i do not know exactly when the abuse started or when it ended, i believe it started around the age of 5. My cousin who is 9 months older than me physically abused me. when we were very young we got along fine but as we got older this power struggle started to emerge, that still exsists today. he was thought that girls should just sit quietly on the sidelines and not speak up against what a guy tells you to do. i was being raised with the idea that guys and girls were equal and that you should stick up for yourself (and i felt the responsibility to take care of those that are younger than me). it started when he would be playing with his friends and would not let the younger girls come down and play, all they could do was watch him nd his freinds play. so i would say that he should let them play in the other part of the basement. this would result in him throwing me up against the basement wall and beating me up. i remeber the feeling of being pinned and so ashamed that my younger sister and cousin had to see this and looking at the guys he was playing with jsut stand there and watch him. this became a regular thing that would take place any time we saw them; every birthday, christmas, and any other lucky occasion they decided to grace us with their prescence was tainted with his abuse. it became more than whenever i would ask him to stop playing, any time he was angry or just felt like it he would beat me up. i remeber years later my uncle talking about how they fixed the basement up (thats where it would happen most of the time) and talking about having to replace the drywall because the was a dent. he said it was becuase of the bys playing hockey down there, but i knew what dent he was talking about and a dent that big wasnt from a hockey puc, it was from my head being bashed into the wall. the worst time was when our parents went out and my grandma was watching us. my aunt came over and was watching us for awhile, we were down stairs and she was upstairs. she had brought her niece who was a year younger than us and from her husbands side of thefamily. my cousin decided that he felt like beating me and called it "wrestling". i remeber the feeling of being so alone as the younger kids were in the other part of the room and my aunts niece just stood there watching with a blank expression on her face. it got to the point that he had me pinned against a door and i knew that this was it if he wanted he could kill me right here and now. i looked into his eyes for some signf whethere or nt he actually hated me that much and all i saw was pure rage and hatred. i knew that unless i did something he would kill me, luckily i was able to get unpinned. he chased me and lipped me over a chair. my sister became so enraged that she jumped on him in any attemt she could to hurt him, byt he just threw her to the gound, at that point i lunged at him, and that is when my aunt finally came to see what was going on. he told her we were jsut playing and that my sister had fallen, my aunt believed him.  

     the abuse hasnt occured for years now but i still get that pit in my stomach when i see him and still have that fear that if he gets pissed about something he will come after me (like at his graduation party cause i had had mine a couple weeks before and he met one of my friends who made him look like a shrimp and you could tell that it bothered him, and i was terrfired that he was going to fnd it neccessary to show me that he is still bigger and stronger). the power struggle(equality for me dominance for him) still goes on to this day. two years ago i finally came out to my parents about it and told them what happened. my dad said that it dodnt happen and not to talk about family like that, and we have never discussed it since. at first my mom didnt believe me but now she does, although any dicussion we have involves her telling me that he hasnt had an eays life and he was bullied as a child, and that i should just forgive him and move on, and that i should tak bad about him i am letting it consume my life and i am a bitter miserable person because of my reaction to it and that all i do is hold on to the bad (although if you ask her she is supportive and i am twisting her words around). she also says things like that by me holding on to the hurt and pain and anger i am letting him win and control my life. my sister who saw the abuse take place has even gotten to the point where she thinks that i am dwelling and it wasnt that bad. i have gotten to the point where i try to avoid discusing it with any of them becuase it hurts so much to have the people who are supposed to be there for you and protect you as a child turn their backs. my two best freinds are very supportive and are always willing to talk but unless you have benn in that position you just cant understand.  

     sometimes i feel like i am okay and i can move past it  but then other times the effects are so powerfull that i feel like i will never be able to heal completely. i wish my family could be more understanding and supportive. i was reading through some of the posts that people put up and that girl who's mom confronted her sister about the sisters son abusing her daughter,she is lucky to have a mom that is that caring. nothing has evee been said to my uncle or to my cousin about what happened, everyone in my family just wants to forget and pretend like nothing happened. thats why when Dr. Phil said about abuse victims needing their feelings being validated and stuff ( i cant remeber it all but i remeber seeeing it and wishing that i was taping this episode  because everything he was saying was perfect, it was like he could read my mind) it really touched me.  

      i just wanted to share my story and let other abuse victims of any kind know that they are not alone and their feelings are valid.