Messages By: dssm_1301

My husband and I have been married for 3 years now.  I have 1 child from a previous marriage, he has 2 children from a previous marriage and we have 1 child together.  Back in March of this year, his children went to live with their Mom.  I believe it was because we had rules and responsibilities at our home.  Anyway, the oldest, now 17 has moved back with us.  Mom basically kicked her out.  Before she moved back, my husband and I discussed that some rules and responsibilities are going to be set up front.  Needless to say, Dad has not set any rules or responsibilities for her.  I believe he is afraid of making her mad at him so he is expecting me to bring up these rules and responsibilities.  My biggest problem right now is she stays out late each night and then won't get up in the mornings to go to school.  My husband seems to think it is my responsibility to make sure she gets up for school.  (Even if I get her up, she still doesn't make it to school on time)  My stand point is, if she can't get up for school each morning, she doesn't need to be staying out each night.  She needs a curfew.  His stand point is she is 17, what am I suppose to do?  Should I just not worry about it and just get her up each morning for school?  I see this continuing into college (if she goes to college) and then into adulthood.  When should she be responsible for getting herself up? 

My husband was divorced for 6 years before we met.  His girls lived with him.  We dated for a little over a year and when he first asked me to marry him, I was hesitant because his daughters and I did not have a bond yet.  We talked about it and he said that he had spoken to his girls about it and that they loved me and wanted me to be his wife.  I think they said more than that, but he heard only what he wanted to hear to reassure me that all would be well.  My mom even talked to him about it.  Shortly after we married, his girls started stating that they wanted to go live with their Mom.  My husband tried harder and harder to push his girls to liking me more than their Mom and I think they resented that.  He never spoke well of their Mother and when he started trying to put me above her, they really rebelled.   

  

My 14 year old step-daughter also had said that her step-dad was fondling her inappropriately.  Charges were filed but quickly dismissed because it was her word against his.  Her Mom didn't acknowledge it to be the truth.  We put her in counseling as well, but she soon started rebelling on going to counseling.  About a year later, she wanted to move in with her Mom, so she said she had lied about the step-dad.  So to this date, we don't know if it really happened or not.  Step-dad & Mom are divorcing now.  So, if it did happen, we no longer have to worry about her being around him. 

  

My husband, as well, treats his daughters as friends, not daughters.  He places no rules or chores on them at all.  He acts as if he doesn't want to "piss them off".  He would rather make me mad.  They would strut around the house as if they were the female of the household as well.  They would even change things of mine around.  Like take my stuff out of the computer desk drawer to put their stuff in it.  His oldest (17) now lives with us again because she couldn't handle her Mother's insanity and the (14) year old bounces back and forth.  Each time she leaves, he swears he will never let her back to disrupt our lives, but then he does.  And on top of it all, he treats her as if she is a victim and spoils her and babies her.  It's pathetic.  One big issue with me is my husband ALWAYS sets it up that I am the one to tell his daughters "No" about something.   

  

So I guess to sum it all up, my husband and I have a wonderful relationship as long as his girls are not around, so I live for those moments.  I have put my foot down and I make no decisions when it comes to his girls unless it is something that will affect me or my children.  For example, they wanted to bring their cats home, I have a 2 year old that is allergic and they don't take care of their cats and let them poop and pee all over the place, so I said, NO!  He asks me what I think about them staying the night or going out or something and I tell him, "Whatever you think."  I give him no room to lay the "blame" on me or make me the "mean" one.   

  

We went to family counseling and that opened my husband's eyes some to see that what he was doing to me and letting the girls run all over him and call the shots was WRONG.  He also learned that a lot of the times when I would tell him something his girls did and he would ask them about it, they would tell him I was lying and I didn't like them and just wanted to get them in trouble.  He pretty much believed them, until a lot of stuff started coming out in counseling and then he started opening his eyes some and saw for himself the lies they would tell.  His 14 year old even lied about him hitting her to get out of our house and to go live with her Mom.  She called her Mom late one night when we were all asleep to come and get her because she was afraid of her Dad because he was hitting her.  So, found out the next morning, she was gone and had made up this lie.   

  

I have a son from a previous marriage as well.  There are rocky times between him and my husband, but nothing like what we have gone through with his girls.  Also, my son is only 8, not a teen yet, but I do have rules for him and he has his chores.  His real Dad is not in the picture at all, so he can't hold that against us as well.  My husband is pretty much the only Dad figure he has had and I think he is beginning to respect that.  He even calls him Dad when he is talking about him.   

  

My only words of wisdom is to get into some counseling and let your husband know that you are unhappy and will not tolerate being treated like that and will not continue to live unhappy.