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Messages By: suzangm

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July 31, 2006, 7:59 am CDT

It's a cover

Being angry and defensive is a way to keep people out, most likely they have been hurt and it is a protective stance. Some of the worst people who display this cover have a lot to offer, and are "very kind" once you get past there shell...if you dare :)
 
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July 31, 2006, 9:27 am CDT

Something to ponder...

Quote From: rockyroad2

This morning I had two very annoying transactions with sales associates at my local super hardware store.    

   

Incident #1  I was ignored standing infront of the paint counter of  the two gentlemen responsible for tending to my painting purchases.  I waited for almost two minutes while these sales associates shared a funny story.  Since I wasn't in too much of a hurry and still in a good mood,  I waited amused to see if and when they they would end their conversation.  Both were aware that I was there but didn't acknowledge me and went right on with their conversation.  Feeling my blood pressure rise, I  said,"  Okay, do you guys think you could stop talkng for a moment  to help me find a can of Metallic Rustoleum?"   They gave me a dead-eyed stare and pointed in the general direction of north. I walked off to find it and called over my shoulder,  "For,  goodness sakes!"  

   

Check one:   Bitchiness_________ Assertiveness_________  

   

   

Incident #2   Same store, same day. After a very long wait on a very long line,  I placed my can of Rustoleum on  the checkout counter along with my other purchases.  That's when the clerk, I mean sales associate asked for my birthday.  I asked what  for.  He responded, " Because you are buying a can of Rustoleum.  We need to know your age because we can't sell this product to minors."     

   

Now, I'm 64 and look every bit of it, but I am very sensitive about disclosing my birthdate to just anyone and pretty miffed that so much of my personal information is already out there. So I refused.  "Obviously, "  I said, " I am well within the legal age limit to purchase this product."   

"Sorry mam, but you still have to tell me your age."  Once again, I refused.  The manager came over and explained that if I wanted the can of  Rustoleum I had to show proof of age so all the teenagers would be safe."  "What teenagers?"  I asked.  I  lost  "it"  loud and clear, left the purchases on the counter,and walked out.  

   

Check one:  Bitchiness__________________Assertiveness___________  

I used to tell my kids... in reply to they are having a rough day, and the world sucks. As you encounter people along your way and they seem to have a problem where you have been treated badly or are offended:

We should be too big to take offense and too noble to give it.

Attitude: Abraham Lincoln Quote

 

 

Here is another:

We praise a man who is angry on the right grounds,
against the right persons,
in the right manner,
at the right moment,
and for the right length of time.
Aristotle
Nicomachean Ethics, 340 B.C.

 

The best quote ever!

In great affairs men show themselves
as they wish to be seen,
in small things they show themselves
as they are.
Chamfort
Maximes et pensees, 1805

 

If you feel your are constantly meeting with rude people, it may very well be in your view..... is your perception off?

I may have replied differently to the situation, I would have said, excuse me I don't mean to interrupt you but I am in a fix, can you direct me to the paint? If I had time....I may have listened to the story he was telling.... smiles are free, take one.

In the other scenario, I would have proudly shown my i.d. "Teenagers and the use of toxin's to get high" and preventing it is of utmost importance.

Seems you took more time....being offended, and took yourself on an unnecessary route in order to gain importance.

 

Here is an eye opener....once shown to me of my importance. Take a bowl....fill it full of water with your hand submerged in it. After it is full.....take your hand out, you see the amount that missing? That is your depth in the entire realm of things. We are uniquely important but not so important that we would really make a difference in the grand scheme of things. If you desire to be noticed by doing negative things to gain attention then I guess that is your way... The choice is ....yours.

 

 


 
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August 3, 2006, 7:19 am CDT

Self Projection

Wow y'all.... Getting a little mobish in here..... "putting on helmet" ;) Here is my two cents:

When these gals nitpick others, they are really projecting onto others what was done to them (in their perception). They also continued the bad behavior they received "onto themselves".  They believed in part the abuse they have received was deserved, and continue to see themselves insufficient. also, The anger they display onto the public, or husbands is a protection so no one will get close to them and notice it once again.

The problem begins when "they" down deep believe too....they deserved some bad treatment somewhere along the way.

Where did it all start? Most likely as a child, or adolescence. Where they witnessed this treatment on one or both parents, or in the early child development stage further cemented in by being picked on. Or by mates chosen that emulate past poor behavior.

Kristen: Instead of "becoming" those literally that  helped transform your inner image into what it is now, you might  turn and "look" and understand what motivated others to cast such negativity on you to begin with. Literally looking and seeing those that were dysfunctional, after seeing them, understand what prompted them to behave so badly.... Bullies in school often times have dysfunction in their own homes, and go to school and pick on other children, so instead of becoming that bully yourself- understand that the person that bullied you didn't do it because you deserved it. They did it because they were treated bad, and passed it on to you, same as what your doing now to others. Pray for them (If you have a faith). Forgive them it is a gift you are giving yourself. Way back when....when they picked on you, you put a wall up and armed it with weapons. You don't need to arm yourself against those, but feel badly for them as they were hurting (it seems) and projected on to you, the same way your projecting onto others. I bet your a blast on the other side of that wall! 

Teresa, I could see you love your husband, and live your life through his life (correct me if I am wrong). You are really not putting yourself first by demanding him to put you first. I would like to see "you" put your self first. How? By having interest's of your own. What sort of things turn you on intellectually? It is very gratifying to do those things that interest us, life is short....what do "you" want to do with "you"?It is also attractive to a man when a woman is self assertive with her own self. What I mean is, anyone can educate themselves in the field of their desires, it will take your mind off of "him" and put it back on you. What sort of things could you get good at? When you go to the store, what attracts your attention? Food section, clothing? hobbies and crafts, Books? Do you have an interest in Court t.v. or CSI? Find your self, and feed your self. Your husband cannot make you happy, only you can. Be your own friend and spend time with you, I bet your really going to be pleased when you get to know you :)

Lois: oh egads..... No one said much about you, but out of the three....you raised my eyebrow :)

You were over weight for a long time, and got others attention by being a nice person so they would not see your physique. Now that you are slimmer, your really gonna make sure they notice you, by changing your old winning personality into a vamp. Is this really what you want? Your the same person inside you were before, don't try and be something your not. Your not a b**** you are just acting like one. Your not a very good actor I am afraid. ;)

The woman who is beautiful.....and centered, kind "and" engaging is the best you can be!  Seems you were beautiful inside before, and not on the outside in your opinion, and now you have switched. I would go back to the other internal nice person, (put away your heart don't wear it on your sleeve) and now work on education! How does a woman that is attractive, kind and smart sound to you? You are plenty smart and when you date, Do not give your heart or anything ;) to any man until you know "they are the one" Don't repeat past poor choices of men because you thought you were unattractive, and undoubtedly gave your self to often to those who used you. Now that you are "all that" really be ALL That! You need to protect your heart no matter what you look like. Don't be a b*****, instead be patient while you date, write down those qualities you want in a man and check em off one by one! You don't have to protect yourself with an assaultive tongue, use a pen and a check list instead. Have fun, and be safe.

JMO!

 
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August 15, 2006, 7:31 am CDT

Exploiting Children

Exploiting children     If this same child were not dressed to kill she would most likely not win a pageant. Though the child is cute, don't get me wrong. But dressing her up to look like someone else is deceiving. It is also sending the child a message in her formative years, to manipulate others by way of dress, act and stature. Children should be made to feel pretty/handsome, smart and moral. But, not if they have to exploit themselves to achieve admiration, it is a deception and not an accurate depiction of the child who is hidden and covered underneath all the false techniques of theatrics. I would rather see a child who has the personality to "get out there in front of everyone" which is a gift in itself. Take acting lessons, dance or some other form of self expression.   Does the child have any talents other than "looking" like someone she is not?
 
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September 12, 2006, 7:58 am CDT

Excellent Post!!

Oklachick.... Keep your friends close...   Excellent Post!   A spouse stealer can't steal.....what is being given away!   Find out what your mate's interest's and needs are, then meet those needs in a creative way. Or someone else will!   Listen to the song....Woman to Woman by Wynonna Judd...      
 
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September 12, 2006, 8:42 am CDT

"Here's your sign"

Quote From: bbjl79

thank you for your response.  i understand you loud and clear...i read your response a dozen times.  i am in agreement with the fact that i DO need to move on and get on with my life.  often i get trapped in thinking this is what i've deserve, like we are two terrible people that deserve each other.  his wife will never pursue a divorce, but when he's around her, she challenges the idea that he will be unfaithful again.  she will say to him that he will have to answer to a higher source about this and makes him feel like he will burn in hell for leaving the church and breaking the sacredness of their marriage.  i don't believe that.  yes, we will be judged for our actions but we won't be sent to "hell" for them.  a loving God wouldn't torchure us.  he created us imperfect!  so i guess what i am asking is:  how do i try to get myself to believe that i am worth more than this terrible mistake i have made and seek forgiveness from those i have upset?

You do deserve the guilt you feel, own it, and be sorry. Be so sorry you don't do it again. Respect the marriages and vows of others (as one day you may be on the other end of the stick), and turn away from being a part of infidelities. It is none of your business what his wife is feeling, he made his bed and now he can sleep in it. You go on to talk about the church and God and sacredness of marriage, your past behavior shows you are not up on this subject. We are to judge each other on their fruits and right now your looking like a bad apple. If your feeling so terrible then you can make amends by being sorry, and leaving them alone. Don't take his calls.....and don't call him. You talk about the bible so here is a message from it: Turn from sin. That means....turn away, done.

Everyone sins, and the way to forgiveness is to turn from it, ask God for forgiveness and don't repeat it. It is the only way to get the honor back you lost. The next time you meet a man... think to your self, would I give this person my car....my house, my belongings? My inheritance? If not, then how can you give away what is more even precious  than those things?..... "Your-self". You are priceless, and worth more than any gold, or object on earth! Only give yourself to those that deserve you. You can lose your car, and belongings but you can't lose yourself. What you allow to happen to you....will be with you. You learned a lesson....now move on. Kick the dust from your shoe's...and walk. If you learn from it, it's the most important lesson you will ever learn. Don't sell your self short.

Your worth more than that.

Don't get into dialog with him over her....and her judgments, or his judgments or God's or the church. You are not in control of him...or her or God. You are only in control of you. When you have mastered that, then maybe you can give advice to others. If you want to do something constructive for them....pray for them, then let it go.

As far as he is concerned, the wrath he is getting from his wife is what he deserves. He or She did not write on this board so it falls on deaf ears, but any of you out there take care of your spouses!  Comfort them.... Flirt with them, Date them.. meet their needs on all levels. Think of what you want from your spouse, then do the same to them, you have to give to receive.

His wife: I bet is sure wishing she knew what was going on in his head, maybe now "they" will learn to communicate, and know each others needs. As their are others out there.....who will meet them.

 
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September 12, 2006, 4:15 pm CDT

The truth is.....

Quote From: layla26

 I just recently found out that my husband went out on a guysnight out and one of his guy friends brought another girl (whom myhusband used to work with). This girl brought a female friend  (Iwill call her girl #2) of hers. Turned out not to be a guys night out.My husbands friend just said that so no wives would come....and sureenough none of us did. His wife showed up later....I could not cause ihad business to attend to early in the morning.
The next day I get a call from my husbands friends wife. She tells methere was some very things that had happened the night before with myhusband and Girl #2. When i confronted him...he lied and denied till Itold him I knew everything....he eventually told me there was lil bitsof kissing and flirting going on.....I felt my heart hit thefloor...hard. They never actually slept together, and everyone confirmsthis. If these people are suppose to be my friends also, why didn'tthey put a stop to it? The person who told me confirmed what had wenton. But it still hurts. He blames it on alcohol....He says he doesn'tthink when he drinks. So that is obviously been put to a stop.
I tried to confront girl #2 and she denied everything (she is marriedby the way, with a child). She gave me nothing but vile comments. Cometo find everyone is protecting the guilty. I am the victim here andfeel there is no one left to help me or to confide in. My husband and Iare taking steps to repair our marriage, but I am having a terriabletime getting over it. I am emotionally distraut and can't stop thinkingabout it. I don't want to keep beating him down for what he did, but Ican't help but feel so hurt. I have stopped talking about it to him and now keep to myself about it. He thinks we are starting over and we should keep the past in the past. It was almost 3 months ago and I still feel as if it was yesterday. Help please! How can I get over this and stop thinking about it?

You won't stop thinking about it until it is resolved in your mind. The only way to do this....is to talk about what your thinking about. You will want to attack her, then yourself...and him, you will try to use reason and logic. But the truth is, there is no real way to get rid of it until you have done all the steps of a loss. Yes, you have experienced a loss. A loss of trust (which he will have to earn back) and a loss of respect. A  fair amount of reality came crashing down on you that has no doubt left you with a ton of adrenalin, and if your like most...loss of sleep, and lack of appetite and  worry..... The fight or flight response is normal, and you "can" get through this. Hopefully "with" your husband, and then on your own. You will have to realize at some point he is not perfect, and forgive him. But, you will never be the same again. This is the loss I am talking about. The loss of self. He needs to realize that he created these feelings inside of you, and he "has" to step up to the plate, and be responsible. No matter what you say... or what your feeling, he needs to know what was going on in his head and yours and share it with each other. This is the only way he will understand himself and you, and help you understand him. In the end if you both work at this, you gain a stronger bond than before... and it won't hurt for him to know he has weaknesses. He may blame the alcohol, but that is a cop out. Sorry.... He has to own it. Face it, and work at getting your trust back. You, need to really grip the chair on this one, listen and ask questions. When your all done, have him find the defining moment where "it went wrong" and why (is he getting older and needing attention?) He got a kick out of the attention for some reason. He needs to understand himself so he won't go there again. 

So, the answer is. You won't stop thinking about it until you fully understand what he was feeling, and why. Your trying to understand during this phase was it your fault, doesn't he love you? desire only you? Is his word any good, and why didn't he see his/your ring on his hand? Your probably thinking about the whole thing centering on "your existence" in his mind. Your place in his heart should have played a part in his mind. But, the truth is....out of sight out of mind, especially with alcohol and the approval of friends... yes, peer pressure. Right or wrong it exists in us adults. Your husband should be looking warily at them as well as his own self. And needs to make a choice of what kind of life he wants. And then make a firm stand within himself.

If you chose to honor the stance you both seem to have taken, and that is....you already talked, and you don't want to bring it up again....then it will take you a very long time to get over it on your own, and a fair amount understanding it "wasn't your fault" and you didn't deserve it on any level. When your husband realizes that it has changed you, he needs to help you change back....and it's going to take work, and honesty and disclosure... if he is made a part of the healing process he will be less likely to repeat history.

 

Hope this helped :)

 
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September 13, 2006, 2:32 am CDT

Cheers!

Quote From: layla26

 Thank you for your advice...it does help. Because here, there is no one to talk to. I had to write all my friends off because they were keeping this secret from me and friends don't do that. So thank you for telling me what I needed to hear.
To answer some of your questions....it isn'tthat he is getting older, we are still considered young (he is 25 and I am 26). I think it is the fact he is getting better and better looking as he gets older. He works out alot and that goes to his apperance and draws womens eyes...Most of the time he ignores it, but this one time he didn't for some reason. I am actually a very attractive person and don't know why he would pick someone less attractive (seriously she is....I don't have a big head.). Our relationship in the bed room and out of the bed room was perfect. He says it wasn't me. But you can't help to think it is. His father used to be the same way....can it really be in the blood? Maybe peer pressure....His friend isn't exactly faithful to his wife. Trust me I have put a stop to that friendship. I, at this point, am just trying to narrow down the reasons and problems. We talk alot, but he never actually has given me a better reason other than it was the alcohol. So none of that anymore either. Maybe I will never know the reason.....but I am going to make this work. And he is more willing than I am. Hopefully that is a good start. I am going to have to work it out with myself and come to reasoning with myself that if I want this to work....I will deal with it and move on. But move on smarter and more alert to what can happen....and do everything in my power to try to prevent it. Here's to moving on......

His father used to be the same way....can it really be in the blood?

 

"You have hit the nail right on the head"

 

Absolutely.....learned behavior. You may point this out to your husband and hopefully a  light will go on in his head. Once he See's the connection he can make it a point to not repeat ingrained actions he learned from his father.

You sound like you got it going on and are moving in the right direction. I would like to have read that "he" is going to do everything in "his" power to prevent it from happening again. This has certainly woke you up, he needs to be awake to it too.

 

Cheers to moving on!

 
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September 13, 2006, 9:53 am CDT

Wow....ya'll

It is not moral to sleep with someone else's spouse. It is not moral to be a mistress..... It is not moral to cheat "emotionally or physically" that means on the Internet, or phone.....in person or to lust for someone outside of a relationship in any form.  Any one that does this..... will do it again.  Anyone that does this....is not in love with their spouse or the mistress....or mister. You all are asking advice on something really simple. It is not.....right, and totally unacceptable.

 

If my husband were to.....talk inappropriately with another female..or kiss, or touch or contemplate, set up....or play with the idea (of intimacy) through words or innuendo's.... It would be over. Not 2 times....not 3. Once.   "One time......we are done".

Life is too short.... If you allow this sort of thing into your marriage, then your cheating yourself. Period.

 

You all need to draw some thick lines of what is appropriate and stick to them. No and's if's or but's about it. Cheating on any level is a deal breaker.

 

 

 
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September 13, 2006, 1:43 pm CDT

Excuse me...

Quote From: purcee13

You are so wrong. Yes I have cheated on my husband for revenge, however it has been 3 years since him or I have cheated and our relationship is better than when we married. Yes there are people out there who continue the pattern, but not everyone is the same. So for you to stereo type like that is just as immoral who r u to judge what others do in their relationships. Every situation is different.  My husband and I married at the age of 19 way to young, and 5 days after we married moved to another state because he had joined the army. We both made our mistakes and there is nothing that can justify those mistakes, but when you are in Iraq and can't turn to your spouse you find someone to turn to and we both made the mistake of turning to the oppisite sex. He is still in the military just that we compromised and he is no longer full time just reserves. In a unit that when he is deployed it is in the states, we can talk whenever, visit whenever, and so forth. We never actually had affairs on eachother and we are truely remorseful of what mistakes we have made and have gotten the help we needed. Our marriage couldn't possibly be any stronger than what it has ever been and improving daily.

So before you judge others think twice about what the situation may be, not only that but you can't say one time and you would be done, i said the same, but until you are put in the situation you will never know what you will actually do.  

I am not wrong, you are two of the same, of course you stuck it out. How many relationships did you both destroy for "other" families before you and your mate finally found each other?

Disgraceful.... How proud you both must be!

 

And yes, one time.... it happened long ago to me.

 He was unfaithful one time,  I had him packed and out the door in 20 minutes flat. I had his 3 month old and I was very young. So, I am speaking from experience.

I would not come on here and hand out an opinion unless I had experienced it myself.

So, I know what I would do, as I have done it. Don't attack me just because you have made bad choices. Stick to helping others get through it, and I will stand up for us who have not....nor desire to experience it to begin with.

 

 

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