Messages By: suzangm

I used to tell my kids... in reply to they are having a rough day, and the world sucks. As you encounter people along your way and they seem to have a problem where you have been treated badly or are offended:

We should be too big to take offense and too noble to give it.

Attitude: Abraham Lincoln Quote

Here is another:

We praise a man who is angry on the right grounds,
against the right persons,
in the right manner,
at the right moment,
and for the right length of time.
Aristotle
Nicomachean Ethics, 340 B.C.

The best quote ever!

In great affairs men show themselves
as they wish to be seen,
in small things they show themselves
as they are.
Chamfort
Maximes et pensees, 1805

If you feel your are constantly meeting with rude people, it may very well be in your view..... is your perception off?

I may have replied differently to the situation, I would have said, excuse me I don't mean to interrupt you but I am in a fix, can you direct me to the paint? If I had time....I may have listened to the story he was telling.... smiles are free, take one.

In the other scenario, I would have proudly shown my i.d. "Teenagers and the use of toxin's to get high" and preventing it is of utmost importance.

Seems you took more time....being offended, and took yourself on an unnecessary route in order to gain importance.

Here is an eye opener....once shown to me of my importance. Take a bowl....fill it full of water with your hand submerged in it. After it is full.....take your hand out, you see the amount that missing? That is your depth in the entire realm of things. We are uniquely important but not so important that we would really make a difference in the grand scheme of things. If you desire to be noticed by doing negative things to gain attention then I guess that is your way... The choice is ....yours.

Wow y'all.... Getting a little mobish in here..... "putting on helmet" ;) Here is my two cents:

When these gals nitpick others, they are really projecting onto others what was done to them (in their perception). They also continued the bad behavior they received "onto themselves".  They believed in part the abuse they have received was deserved, and continue to see themselves insufficient. also, The anger they display onto the public, or husbands is a protection so no one will get close to them and notice it once again.

The problem begins when "they" down deep believe too....they deserved some bad treatment somewhere along the way.

Where did it all start? Most likely as a child, or adolescence. Where they witnessed this treatment on one or both parents, or in the early child development stage further cemented in by being picked on. Or by mates chosen that emulate past poor behavior.

Kristen: Instead of "becoming" those literally that  helped transform your inner image into what it is now, you might  turn and "look" and understand what motivated others to cast such negativity on you to begin with. Literally looking and seeing those that were dysfunctional, after seeing them, understand what prompted them to behave so badly.... Bullies in school often times have dysfunction in their own homes, and go to school and pick on other children, so instead of becoming that bully yourself- understand that the person that bullied you didn't do it because you deserved it. They did it because they were treated bad, and passed it on to you, same as what your doing now to others. Pray for them (If you have a faith). Forgive them it is a gift you are giving yourself. Way back when....when they picked on you, you put a wall up and armed it with weapons. You don't need to arm yourself against those, but feel badly for them as they were hurting (it seems) and projected on to you, the same way your projecting onto others. I bet your a blast on the other side of that wall! 

Teresa, I could see you love your husband, and live your life through his life (correct me if I am wrong). You are really not putting yourself first by demanding him to put you first. I would like to see "you" put your self first. How? By having interest's of your own. What sort of things turn you on intellectually? It is very gratifying to do those things that interest us, life is short....what do "you" want to do with "you"?It is also attractive to a man when a woman is self assertive with her own self. What I mean is, anyone can educate themselves in the field of their desires, it will take your mind off of "him" and put it back on you. What sort of things could you get good at? When you go to the store, what attracts your attention? Food section, clothing? hobbies and crafts, Books? Do you have an interest in Court t.v. or CSI? Find your self, and feed your self. Your husband cannot make you happy, only you can. Be your own friend and spend time with you, I bet your really going to be pleased when you get to know you :)

Lois: oh egads..... No one said much about you, but out of the three....you raised my eyebrow :)

You were over weight for a long time, and got others attention by being a nice person so they would not see your physique. Now that you are slimmer, your really gonna make sure they notice you, by changing your old winning personality into a vamp. Is this really what you want? Your the same person inside you were before, don't try and be something your not. Your not a b**** you are just acting like one. Your not a very good actor I am afraid. ;)

The woman who is beautiful.....and centered, kind "and" engaging is the best you can be!  Seems you were beautiful inside before, and not on the outside in your opinion, and now you have switched. I would go back to the other internal nice person, (put away your heart don't wear it on your sleeve) and now work on education! How does a woman that is attractive, kind and smart sound to you? You are plenty smart and when you date, Do not give your heart or anything ;) to any man until you know "they are the one" Don't repeat past poor choices of men because you thought you were unattractive, and undoubtedly gave your self to often to those who used you. Now that you are "all that" really be ALL That! You need to protect your heart no matter what you look like. Don't be a b*****, instead be patient while you date, write down those qualities you want in a man and check em off one by one! You don't have to protect yourself with an assaultive tongue, use a pen and a check list instead. Have fun, and be safe.

JMO!

You do deserve the guilt you feel, own it, and be sorry. Be so sorry you don't do it again. Respect the marriages and vows of others (as one day you may be on the other end of the stick), and turn away from being a part of infidelities. It is none of your business what his wife is feeling, he made his bed and now he can sleep in it. You go on to talk about the church and God and sacredness of marriage, your past behavior shows you are not up on this subject. We are to judge each other on their fruits and right now your looking like a bad apple. If your feeling so terrible then you can make amends by being sorry, and leaving them alone. Don't take his calls.....and don't call him. You talk about the bible so here is a message from it: Turn from sin. That means....turn away, done.

Everyone sins, and the way to forgiveness is to turn from it, ask God for forgiveness and don't repeat it. It is the only way to get the honor back you lost. The next time you meet a man... think to your self, would I give this person my car....my house, my belongings? My inheritance? If not, then how can you give away what is more even precious  than those things?..... "Your-self". You are priceless, and worth more than any gold, or object on earth! Only give yourself to those that deserve you. You can lose your car, and belongings but you can't lose yourself. What you allow to happen to you....will be with you. You learned a lesson....now move on. Kick the dust from your shoe's...and walk. If you learn from it, it's the most important lesson you will ever learn. Don't sell your self short.

Your worth more than that.

Don't get into dialog with him over her....and her judgments, or his judgments or God's or the church. You are not in control of him...or her or God. You are only in control of you. When you have mastered that, then maybe you can give advice to others. If you want to do something constructive for them....pray for them, then let it go.

As far as he is concerned, the wrath he is getting from his wife is what he deserves. He or She did not write on this board so it falls on deaf ears, but any of you out there take care of your spouses!  Comfort them.... Flirt with them, Date them.. meet their needs on all levels. Think of what you want from your spouse, then do the same to them, you have to give to receive.

His wife: I bet is sure wishing she knew what was going on in his head, maybe now "they" will learn to communicate, and know each others needs. As their are others out there.....who will meet them.

You won't stop thinking about it until it is resolved in your mind. The only way to do this....is to talk about what your thinking about. You will want to attack her, then yourself...and him, you will try to use reason and logic. But the truth is, there is no real way to get rid of it until you have done all the steps of a loss. Yes, you have experienced a loss. A loss of trust (which he will have to earn back) and a loss of respect. A  fair amount of reality came crashing down on you that has no doubt left you with a ton of adrenalin, and if your like most...loss of sleep, and lack of appetite and  worry..... The fight or flight response is normal, and you "can" get through this. Hopefully "with" your husband, and then on your own. You will have to realize at some point he is not perfect, and forgive him. But, you will never be the same again. This is the loss I am talking about. The loss of self. He needs to realize that he created these feelings inside of you, and he "has" to step up to the plate, and be responsible. No matter what you say... or what your feeling, he needs to know what was going on in his head and yours and share it with each other. This is the only way he will understand himself and you, and help you understand him. In the end if you both work at this, you gain a stronger bond than before... and it won't hurt for him to know he has weaknesses. He may blame the alcohol, but that is a cop out. Sorry.... He has to own it. Face it, and work at getting your trust back. You, need to really grip the chair on this one, listen and ask questions. When your all done, have him find the defining moment where "it went wrong" and why (is he getting older and needing attention?) He got a kick out of the attention for some reason. He needs to understand himself so he won't go there again. 

So, the answer is. You won't stop thinking about it until you fully understand what he was feeling, and why. Your trying to understand during this phase was it your fault, doesn't he love you? desire only you? Is his word any good, and why didn't he see his/your ring on his hand? Your probably thinking about the whole thing centering on "your existence" in his mind. Your place in his heart should have played a part in his mind. But, the truth is....out of sight out of mind, especially with alcohol and the approval of friends... yes, peer pressure. Right or wrong it exists in us adults. Your husband should be looking warily at them as well as his own self. And needs to make a choice of what kind of life he wants. And then make a firm stand within himself.

If you chose to honor the stance you both seem to have taken, and that is....you already talked, and you don't want to bring it up again....then it will take you a very long time to get over it on your own, and a fair amount understanding it "wasn't your fault" and you didn't deserve it on any level. When your husband realizes that it has changed you, he needs to help you change back....and it's going to take work, and honesty and disclosure... if he is made a part of the healing process he will be less likely to repeat history.

Hope this helped :)

His father used to be the same way....can it really be in the blood?

"You have hit the nail right on the head"

Absolutely.....learned behavior. You may point this out to your husband and hopefully a  light will go on in his head. Once he See's the connection he can make it a point to not repeat ingrained actions he learned from his father.

You sound like you got it going on and are moving in the right direction. I would like to have read that "he" is going to do everything in "his" power to prevent it from happening again. This has certainly woke you up, he needs to be awake to it too.

Cheers to moving on!

It is not moral to sleep with someone else's spouse. It is not moral to be a mistress..... It is not moral to cheat "emotionally or physically" that means on the Internet, or phone.....in person or to lust for someone outside of a relationship in any form.  Any one that does this..... will do it again.  Anyone that does this....is not in love with their spouse or the mistress....or mister. You all are asking advice on something really simple. It is not.....right, and totally unacceptable.

If my husband were to.....talk inappropriately with another female..or kiss, or touch or contemplate, set up....or play with the idea (of intimacy) through words or innuendo's.... It would be over. Not 2 times....not 3. Once.   "One time......we are done".

Life is too short.... If you allow this sort of thing into your marriage, then your cheating yourself. Period.

You all need to draw some thick lines of what is appropriate and stick to them. No and's if's or but's about it. Cheating on any level is a deal breaker.

I am not wrong, you are two of the same, of course you stuck it out. How many relationships did you both destroy for "other" families before you and your mate finally found each other?

Disgraceful.... How proud you both must be!

And yes, one time.... it happened long ago to me.

 He was unfaithful one time,  I had him packed and out the door in 20 minutes flat. I had his 3 month old and I was very young. So, I am speaking from experience.

I would not come on here and hand out an opinion unless I had experienced it myself.

So, I know what I would do, as I have done it. Don't attack me just because you have made bad choices. Stick to helping others get through it, and I will stand up for us who have not....nor desire to experience it to begin with.