Messages By: agoodheart

I just read some of the emails here on being a step parent. I to, just became a step parent. I just recently got married. My husband as 2 kids. A boy 12 and a girl 16. His son is the same age as my son. My son doesn't live with me though. My husband has his son live with him. His son as lived with him for well over a year now. Apparently his mom ponded him onto his dad. I guess she couldn't handle him. It's awful when divorces causes a lot of ugliness for both sides when parents are trying to move on and forget what happened before. I just wished that we all would grow up and pay attention to what's really going on.  

Well, anyway when I came into my husband life, the beginning was good but then when my son came into the picture it was a little different. You see my son as a slight learning disability but I believe and hope he grows out of it. When my husband asked me to marry him  after 2-3 months I was really surprised how things went. I accepted to marry him but after the marriage that's when things got kinda bad.  

He bought a house. Asked me if he should get the 3 or 4 bedrm and I said 3. I should've said 4 but a big difference on the prices gees on 3 to a 4 bdrm. His son was having problems dealing with his mom, dealing with his dad having me and my son around. I took so much from his son I had to leave. He started comparing me to his mom and his dad's ex girlfriends and then picked on my son because some of his dad's ex gfs had kids to and they picked on him so he thought he'd  get my son.  Finally dad put son in counseling to find out what's going on of why his son gets angry, mad and tempered so much. Found out his mom physically and mentally abused him in the past but I think his mom and dad apparently ruined him somehow. Mom went to his counseling but she doesn't remember what hppened back then. My husband said he had his son in counseling before but mom had it stopped but daughter said mom couldn't afford it but dad think it was because things were about to come out and mom stopped the counseling. I'm not with hubby now but we're trying to work things out but we'll see. 

Thanks for the response there. I'm doing a lot of serious thinking and I'm thinking about telling him it's either try to get our marriage saved or I get out. I don't need this kind of marriage. We got his son to deal with to and his son isn't going to change unless a miracle happens. I have been praying about all this. His son and him wanting me to except his past women relationships where he wants to remain friends with some of them and why I don't know so this gal says from an email calls what they had a " sexual history" it's only a "sexual history". They want to remain " good friends" but why? Their "friendship" goes back to over 20 years they say. I heard he had this gal at his 1st wedding with his 1st wife and she didn't want her there and to me that there tells me something isn't right. There is something about them 2 that makes me wonder and get suspious  .about. He tells me not to worry that nothing is there though but something says don't let him make you go crazy about this. This gal says in an email to me and I quote here, " Can I ask you if you would have the same issues if I were a man? This is the same question I had to ask Vince if it would be different if Bret were a female. Then the next question you have to ask yourself is if you love him enough to get to know his friends without letting the past be a factor. I would hope that you can say yes!  For I was looking forward to getting to know and hopefully becoming friends with the women that he loves." 

Someone tell me that I am wrong here. What should I do? I'm in counseling over this and his son. Dealing with this is hard, excepting all this and other things I need to know what I should do here. Any advice would be appreciated by co workers they feel I need to get out but they want me to do what I think is best. I love this man and he says he married me for love but why is that happening to me. I feel like this is a test for me here. Let me know what you all think here.  

I just recently got married and I have a 12 years old son and my husband as a 12 years old son and to me they're different. My step son as an attitude problem towards his dad, his sister ( 16 yrs old ), me and my son. His dad won't punish him only do the simple thing and that is verbal. Talk to him but it hasn't done any good yet. He won't even crack down on him for anything. His son is in counseling plus on medicine. He has no feelings about how his dad feels, his sister feels, I feel or even my son. His son is in Martial Arts. My husband thinks that will teach him "self respect" then that way he'll respect others. To me, I think it'll just make his son get a little violent more. Thinking, "wow dad got me in Karate". He pushes a lot of buttons to for attention. He doesn't like my son or myself here. I moved out here moved back in my house letting my husband deal with his son for now. I won't move back until my husband gets his son to except his dad's "new marriage" here and having another child around.  

Hi inbetween!!! What the problem is with his son is he's got attitude problem. He's in counseling due to his attitude, getting angry and whatever else makes him get mad and throw his temper around. From what the counselor said apparently he's been mentally and physically abused by his  mom in the past. I know maybe mentally could be from mom and dad because he doesn't like women plus he doesn't like my son either from what I'm getting. He's been comparing me to his mom when he does something I don't like I get a little mad or maybe upset but he doesn't care. He only cares for what he wants and that is to have his dad to himself. He doesn't want to share his dad. He feels like my son which same age as him (12) wants to take over plus he does a little picking on my son to. His son doesn't know me or my son. He wouldn't understand. My son as a slight learning disability and me I have a history of bad relationships where none as been good til this one. But this 1 as kids involved only 1 giving problem the son. Daughter (16 ) no problem we are ok there. 

Now about that gal. My husband sent me an email that she sent and I thought I would email her but I didn't so anyway he thought I did though so that's how she ended up emailing me so now that's how she emailed me. He thought I emailed her but I didn't. I had no desire of emailing her anyway. I asked him if he went to talk to her and he said yes but then again he may have called her but who knows I think he put her up to the email or maybe they both had something to do with it. I just pray and hope husband will come to his senses and realizes what is more important me or her now? I love him and knowing this you have to draw the line somewhere, right? 

I know martial arts teaches self-respect and I hope my step son takes this as self-respect to. Hopefully he'll get that and respect his dad, his sister,  others and then maybe my son and I. We're separated right now because how son was doing it's been all most 3 months since I left so I hope this and the counseling plus the medicine will help my step son because I love his dad very much. 

I hope you're right about on the behavior in karate. My step son tries to do some of it around his dad when I was there. I have to make sure his dad knows about if it makes his son get out of hand with it. I can only tell his dad make sure his son isn't using karate as a weapon and not what it really should do for him, give him that self-respect, discipline, and control. Thanks for helping me out here on karate on what it can do.  

Well, for starters H got his son in martial arts hoping that will give his son self-respect in time we'll see if the rest of us gets that respect from his son. Right now he just talks to him verbally whether or not that helps who knows. He was honest with me about the gal. He told me they go way back over 20 yrs lifelong friends nothing there but true friendship. At first, I was leary about not wanting to know about this gal or any of the others but from what he's been telling me I'm beginning to feel I can except what he wants me to except. He knows if anything out of the obivious happens I'll be coming to him to talk about it asap. So he knows where I stand now. He wants to work things out. Being separated right now makes it hard to connect only when the kids aren't around on every other weekend. We didn't set any ground rules and he's not dating either.  We had no agreement just separated til things are a little better with his son. He knows I love him and he loves me we'll get thru this. Counseling he doesn't want but maybe since right now his son won't be in counseling til after his medicine kicks in maybe he might go til his son as to go again.  

I've been watching Dr Phil a lot here lately and I'm glad Dr Phil is there. Some of the shows gets me thinking to. AGoodHeart 

Well, Inbetween, it's been awhile since I've been back to say what's going on so now I know what is going on with my step son now. He's got his attitude from both his parents. His mom came over and got him 2 weekends ago and the way that she talked I wouldn't talk like that to my son. She said this, "do you want me to I won't say the word here I'll say blank slap you". She said that to her son and he didn't do anything unless she was trying to rush him gees. I see now where the kids get their attitude from. Then now this all most happened. H was going to loan his camcorder to his old lady friend I told you about but didn't but he say he went to talk to her and her bf the other night in which he didn't tell me what he did without me. I still don't believe him or her, sorry my conscious tells me don't trust this gal even if H wants you to. I won't let my guard down if when I ever come in contact with her I told him she better not say 1 off word to me or I'll leave the room or disappear til she gets out what she needs to get out. Ha Ha I would love to see her face though or maybe I might take a chance and meet her just to prove something. But we'll see.