Messages By: wildwood

  Moderator:  I have tried what you suggested and it is already set to newest to oldest, didn't help the problem, not only that I have having a terrible time getting a post to "take", and then I don't see it, until I try several more times, EACH time having to go to log on,  which takes me to profile, and I have to "search" all over again to even FIND the thing I was trying to reply to nor is it any better going to just Post a Message. I have checked remember my user name, at log in but It doesn't even though I never leave the site.

  Please do something as I have this problem every time I have visited the boards for months now.  If I weren't doing a copy paste after I type to save while I go through these hoops using this board would be a total exercise in time wasting, while getting no where.

  Right now I really NEED this board to keep me sane and focused and to work or "self esteem" and for the invaluable advice from others that have "been there done that".

  Please help correct this MAJOR issue, or I see no point in even checking out the Beta community..   Just too frustrating.

  PLEASENCE 

  I stopped posting while working on "reconcilling" hoping to not get caught up in the "fever" of bragging rights to effect "giving it a chance" or out of shame for the backsliding I have done in  negatively reacting to a passive aggressive emotional abuser.   I talk so strong, but am just a weak female being still "hoping" up to the last to avoid the "unpleasant" and scary next step to really end the marriage, as that REALLY means an end for me financially too, and being so old and not responsible to just self.    I am not to proud to admit for all my RESOLVE to not live like I did and sometimes HAVE to still, I am SCARED to death or the "process" of somewhat slitting my own throat, by going to court, let alone really having the ability to find the money to do so, with this stuff going on.  I slip into "just proceed" with your life, forgetting that will HAVE to change to escape the misery of it.  So there you have it.   At this point I would just like to get it OVER, whatever it takes, but reality is you have to do the stuff you have to do, to get it done.

  So hard, not to mention the emotional wreck I can STILL be pulled into being.   And feeling so alone, as I attempt the near impossible isn't helping.  Everyone, from my kids, to my mom is soooo sick of it........of course that futher "isolates".  I do have some "pride" left and so that too gets trampled.  It is nearly impossible to function for my child on many many days................and I know this "weak" state makes me suspectible to his offers to "help" while really just "helping himself" back into the "games".

  AND I know the worst is yet to come, and it will be years before I really can not feel underseige. 

Right now, I know (since I have BOTH vehicles, cause he stole the security from me being able to get tires on the one I really drive.........and since to do what I have to do I NEED the truck) sooner or later I will have to deal with him, and yes, by the time he is done lying to everyone I will look very greedy and bad for taking these things if ONLY to self protect).  Legally they are mine to take, just like he helps himself, but I know I shouldn't have "reacted" to his games making him look the "victim" again.

  Why does this matter, cause it invites those near and dear to chastize and misunderstand as I look as mean and childish as he is.   I cannot "protect" self and child, or meet our needs..........without making him a victim?  I realize I have gotten "lost" in HIS realities (games) again.....but right now can't figure out how to undo, or escape.   This is why I KNOW I can never actually LIVE with him again, and yet.......there is no end seperated or divoriced it seems, as just LOOK at what my efforts have gotten me, more of the same.

  At times it really does seem FUTILE to even try.

 Ok, I too am terrified of being destitute, or was until it got so bad I "turned it over to God".  My abusive, shallow, and downright mean husband, uses that fear all the time. It is classic.  I have huge debt (my half) I would have never been a part of had I known how things would turn out.  You think we are the only ones?

  I have no readable job skills. No resume. I am not young. Yet, I know I will survive, somehow.  It is about choices, and responsibility.   We have a RIGHT to expect a man we procreate with, will be "man enough" to do his part and not threaten us with that "part".  So the cards turned out different, it doesn't mean you are out of the game of life.  Remember how scary it was when you left home as a teen with no skills to make it?  I made it, married somewhat badly, and have the "financial and emotional scars" to carry, (something I didn't have as a teen).   I also have a child, and ALL the bills to deal with anyway, and have to play "nice" with someone shallow and manipulative, or else.........even though we do not live together.  All my "dreams" are in limbo, and money is still the CENTER of all our issues (his choice) he feels "cheated" and so do I.

BUT,  I am learning how to survive.......and right now that is working on getting out there, and debating opportunities, cutting back, and STILL being responsible during all the "games".  I have no choice in my end of the debt.........and no means of my own to deal with it.  Hard lesson.

I do have some compensation, for being married........IF he doesn't get really nasty and strip it all off for himself, which I expect as soon as he meets a deadline to further manipulations.  So I plan, which is about all I can do at this point, and learn to detach from all that once mattered to me, as emotional well being is key to success in any endevor, meaning without my "wits" and self respect, I can succede at nothing. So I have made a start, to have an emotional roller coaster free life.  Baby steps, trust in yourself and your choices is the first step. 

Don't let the "terror" of reality.......keep you a victim.  It takes time to recover, regroup, and move on.  Losses are huge, but so are the gains.  Really we find we don't need much "money" if the peace of mind is the gain.  Everyone cuts back, (if only because they slow down) as they get older, and many many people are in our shoes or worse.   My mom always said for every grievance you have to someone it is a reality, so count your blessings.   Meaning somewhere someone has it worse than we do.  I try and remember that, as it strengthens me to make important what is.  Money isn't the center of everything, and many with lots of money have NO peace of mind.

Realities you have to have some source of income, even if you need "help" from sources you are ashamed to take, until you can self support again.  My concern is having the attorney money, so that I can hope to get what I am due, which I know won't last long..  However, I still do not "enjoy" being bullied with it..........so I try and live each day..........without "thinking too much" about what scares me the most, other than to remind myself the WORST was living with a financial bully.