Messages By: wildwood

 You are "sad" because you are grieving what could have been.  You are grieving you, the relationship, the losses.  This is a "weak point" that has to be endured. It is natural.

When enlightenment or acceptance of what is not what we wanted hits us, it is nearly unbearable. Not only that but the loss of emotional investment  to no avail,  has us very worn down.  I mean if you spent loads of time, money, effort in your garden and all you got was weeds for your efforts it is VERY frustrating!  And sad.  You wanted flowers, and got weeds.

Feeling it, (remembering how to feel after years of abuse) is sometimes overwhelming. Cry and cry it is good tonic.  Even if no one hears..........at least we can still do that.  In a way that is a good sign that not all feeling is gone. You know the earth seems "new" after a good rain, doesn't it?

 I too often get thrown off guard by the switches (in behavior totally opposite of ten minutes ago).  But I rationalize even a turtle, pokes it head out of it's hard shell, from time to time.  I, speculate, that two things are at play

1. somewhere in there they are sometimes "normal/real" and forget themselves (hard shell)

2. they sense they have "gone to far"  (like a cat bats a mouse, to come alive for the cats benefit) and attempt to reengage us with kindness (I learned to watch out for kindness, it can have a nasty sting to follow)

3. they are "dual" personalities?  and or have one or more disorders that are "self inflicted"

Again, cause it works..............don't you just melt and warm toward that flicker of  "nice".  I still fall "prey" to that one from time to time only to find that change was just a flicker that  lasted long enough to get me to get "reengaged" in the power over struggles

 I want a read  on something. This is the "mindset" type thing I deal with daily (I am working on THAT not being the case). I just want to see if others see this the way I feel it.

When my daughters and I have a "difference of opinion" regarding what I think it ok behavior (they test the boundries) and are called on it by me, my husband who stands on the side lines looking lost (he doesn't want to support me, his arch enemy) but KNOWS I expect him to help parent, he finally may join  in in half hearted support.  BUT , he will then say something like, "Irregardless of the PROVOCATION, do what your mother says".

What is wrong with this he asks? 

Input please

  I am so sorry this has happened to you.  My husband had NOTHING on me to make me look bad to the kids, except that I "spent too much of HIS money".  I too was a stay at home mom, and raised 4 children while he traveled all over the world with the military.  Primary caretaker for 28 years, not just of the children but the home, pets, cars everything.  Built and maintained all of the household stuff the man normally does. At least my Dad did this stuff and my stay at home mom never worried about it.   He went through a period of heavy drinking 5 years before his retirement, heavily his last year.  I told him I would not tolerate it, he needed to leave, and instead of leaving he "went on a campaign" to destroy me, and the way my children (all  but the youngest child, the rest teens and young adults), saw me, and everything we had all those years he was "too busy" to ever do one thing with us.

Now my children hate me, only see his side, and call me crazy.  How can they so effectively do this in six short months?....Lies, manipulations, money, brainwash, my  "reactive" anger that he would put them in the enviroment he did? ...who knows I only know it is very sad and very hurtful, and the court system is broken if abusive issues are not addressed in cases of custody awards.

This is why I say, the system is broken, and sometimes leaving only leaves your children in a WORSE situation sometimes as you cannot  protect or offset the damage if you are not THERE with them 24-7.  A similiar thing happened to my sister, thank goodness her daughter was a teen and it didn't have to last too long (her going to her dad to see his girlfriend and exposed to all the drinking men, leering at her. She was a teacher and they had joint custody.  This was NOT in the best interest of the child, no one cared and he had destroyed her financially and without the money to go back to court.........no go. It had to be  tolerated.  We cannot even protect our children.

My husbands lies and stuff keeps me so down, and sets me up so bad  at times that I have trouble "coping" in any manner that I did, mrs competent, reduced to "she  is crazy".

Anyone have any hints/helps in my dealing with my own anger? The situation is clearly esculating as my husband only makes nice (to appearences if the children are around).  IN the meantime he is constantly creating divisive situations.  My kids think I should just accept them as the normal mistakes anyone makes, but I know what they are passive aggresssive withholding, talking down etc. hearing everyone but me, you know the "quiet" abuse.

Trouble is while trying to maintain a cool, until things get to the point of being totally seperate, I am losing it. I try to be gone alot, but..........that means I don't take my youngest with me as she has a school routine. Even there is talks over me, corrects me, and otherwise discounts most things I say. He has totally taken over her "routine" I am just "in the way".  Things I begged him to help me with he is now doing, but doing it by totally excluding me.  It makes me furious. If I do take a nap, sleep late or anything to "enjoy" the "help" he uses it against me as proof of my :not caring about her.  I make sure one of my other older girls are with me  when I am out to "prove" I am not being "unfit" or haven't abandoned her.

I am having trouble with maintaining "calm" as he won't be ignored, and frankly I find it difficult to be civil to him, he is very provoking, with his stuff. Any hints on how to maintain detached and calm in the fact of having any "business" dealing with them, Dicipline, money matters, the usual that MUST be done?

I went to the site you mention here, but what I am having trouble finding resources on

emotional and psychological abuse, without physical in regards to the effects on children.

 Lately there has been a "sexual aspect" to his jokes, and the inapproriateness of them.  Not to me but to his daughter.  This is not a "new" subject, but he is back to it again with his "children" .  Just  tonite it was a joke about hemaphrodites (sp?).   How they ought to be happy.  (this was in regarding how they can please themselves due to their condition.(  I apologize for the crudeness here. Would anyone find this remotely "funny" or approriate during "family hour".  (duh?)  This joke was told to my 18yr old in the living room, with the 11 year old in the kitchen.

Does the batterer book referred to here, address how to prove or confirm that such is going on? I know with all the real abuses going on in the world  is so "trivial" but it does concern me that "the next level" could possibly be just around the corner.  I really DON"T think so but this judgement is so bad, and so disgusting to me, maybe I should pay attention to those concerns and document them?

?

 for what it is worth, you might want to make sure you can leave or be prepared youself for the "single life" BEFORE you tell him to leave. I told mine he leave...........he  didn't leave, he dug in and upped the ante. Now it is all out sick war while I try and pay the taxes AND save money for the attorney to get the retirement I will be able to live on. 

This "rejection" of their stuff, almost always results in more stuff.  Only the nice men or men who have already created "other lives" on the side leave willingly. Abusers rarely do leave of their own accord. Nor do they get we mean business.

 This can be really risky, and maybe not for you at all.......but I am considering it for myself and resigned to worry about it later.  If you have any financial stability at all.....they are offering credit cards to almost anyone nowdays, and I wonder if that or a "loan" of some type could be had, using an asset (do you have a car? you get to keep it but they loan you the money with the car as colleratial) as colleratial to get you the money for the divorice? If you even "mention" divorice you should be prepared to realize that the "financial aspects" for most women is bankruptcy or lost assets anyway, so what have you lost? Once is esculates in these cases it never returns to normal so financial problems can be expected.

Or, I have been told by some regardless of assets that the amount in YOUR account is what can qualify you for legal aid, that income isn't the only issue. They are turning you down because they are so "busy" and only the hardest cases are qualifying.

Some churches have "funds" to help those that fall between the cracks of gov agencies  and you don't have to be a member to qualify. I would pick the biggest church in your area and start there.....lose pride for now.........go there and ask if they have any way to help you help yourself.  Some in our area's have ministries that will help single moms or abused women. You just don't see it advertised.  If they don't nothing ventured nothing gained.

I would prefer to save the money and not effect the finances........... but the situation is so esculated right now that I am about willing to "add" to the debt just to get it done. With me, once done, I probably can pay for it............but I have known people to do this usually devasting to the finances approach and  THEN file bankruptcy as soon as the divorice is final.  Desperate times call for desperate measures just a thought.

  I realize the dynamics are similiar almost to a T with physical abuse and emotional abuse.. (with or without physical violence re the psychological effect and methods used) ...but what I am looking for is that in regard specifically with emotional and psychological "examples" regarding the triading of father/daughter relationships that  are designed to eliminate mother and how this is damaging to the daughter. (I have read of such but am looking for one that doesn't focus on physical abuse)

I have a reason for asking and it isn't so much for my own education, as I have read such things before, although most refer to physical violence cases.  I guess, what I am asking for is a good source for emotional incest.........triading etc.  I will check into this book, but I suspect that it mostly covers physical abuse situations, I am looking for something that details this specific type of emotional abuse  in the absence of physical violence. When looking for such in the past I find most "examples" concentrate on this  type emotional abuse WITH physical abuse.