Messages By: katia1975

I am very interested to see this show, mainly because it is something I am dealing with right now.  For the last 2 years I have been making excuses for his behavior but this time when I found out he came home, after being out of town, to the locks changed, his stuff packed and gone and me out of his life.  I have heard everything I have wanted to hear from him but I have learned that he is good an telling me what I want to hear but not so good in following through with what he says.   

  

I have found our relationship carries much a parellel to the cycle of abuse - things get better (honeymoon period) things start to slide, I catch him with another ad on a dating website, it blows up, it gets better, it starts to slide...well you get the idea.  I did not go back this time as I figure if I do all am I telling him is it is okay to treat me this way, because there are no consequences for his actions.  But I will not be treated this way, and I do not want my son to think that this is how you treat women.  He says he is going to go to counselling.  I told him if he completed 6 months and then I got to talk to his therapist about how he is doing and the progress they feel he is making then maybe we can talk about other stuff, but sadly I am not holding my breath 

  

It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, I cried myself to sleep and then woke up crying for almost two weeks, my wedding is cancelled, I had to take personal leave from work at a job I just started at (fortunately I have the most understanding boss in the world) and I have a very confused little boy who's main concern is "who is gonna love you mommy if *name* does not marry you?".  but with it brings a freedom of choice and freedom of autonomy.  I now control my life instead of him controlling it thorugh his actions.  I have found out how strong I really am.   Living with constantly not being sure if you can trust your partner is mentally, emotionally, spirtually, and physically exhausting.  And as lonely as it can get some days, I do not regret my choice for one minute.  

One reason it was so easy for me to leave was my savings I had aquired.  I in no way need him financially, I can support myself and my child without any help.  It was a realief and truly made the decison so much "easier".

My now ex grew up in a household where his dad cheated around on his mom regularly.  I let him use this as an excuse for a while, but in reality I say "you are 36 years old you know better than that!".  I have friends who grew up in abusive households and they do not abuse their partners or children etc.  To me the way they grew up is an excuse, they should instead  be using it as a model of how not to treat someone they are with.  "He doesn't understand love and respect as it should be" - he understands from growing up what they ARE NOT!  From this statement I would gatehr he disagrees with his mother's actions so why would he do them to someone else?

You cannot change anyone, but people can change themselves.  He has to want to change himself and this take a good long hard look in the mirror and some bitter taste of reality to accept personal responsiblity.  You can support him through this period but you will never be able to change him, unfortunately that is all up to him.