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Messages By: denise510
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November 10, 2005, 3:37 pm PST
 Quote From: sirtimothy Watching the show today I felt compelled to share my story - the first time I posted on this site.
My family is a victim of infidelity. I caught my wife involved in an affair back in 1997 and it tore my insides apart, I felt like I was going to die. She claimed to still love me, but felt that we needed time apart to figure out what we wanted to do. In the meantime she continued to talk to and see her 'boyfriend". We were married 10 years at that time with three young children and a succesful business that we both worked in. I had always been a good child growing up, was the smartest in my class, did not smoke, do drugs and only an occassional drink. I was respectful of my parents and others. I met my wife in 1986 and she was my first love, I had remained a virgin waiting for my wife. We were married in 1987 and shared a very exciting passionate relationship. We did have ups and downs, but minor things and we had lots of great and wonderful times.
After the affair, nothing was the same - she seemed focused on affairs, those other people were in, or might be in. I really don't know any longer if she was faithful to me up until I caught her, or if she was faithful to me after - i just don't know any more. Shortly after, perhaps due to stree - I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, high triglycerides, and high cholesterol. Me and my kids rode a roller coaster with that woman for most of the last 8 years. She left me a total of 3 times, the last time in December of 2000 and she often left the kids to live with me because I believe she wanted her "freedom" to be with other men. I was caught in it and were the kids. It ended up putting me in the mental health section of the local hospital after two suicide attempts. I am still in counselling today and on anti-depressants. I have been separated from her since Dec 2000, but the roller coaster has run until only recently. I have finally gotten enough strength to admit that no matter how much I may love her (and I do) and no matter how much she may love me - that she is very bad for me and for the childrenn and I cannot be with her. I fight this every day, because inside I would still give anything to be happy with her and the kids the way things were before all of this happened. I see her often the way that I want to see her, and not the way that she actually is!!
Through out all of this - I spent a month in hospital for my depression, had a couple incidences with the police, lost my business with over $1.3 million in assets, lost my job, have had virtually no income in the last 3 + years, filed for bankruptcy, had my children kept away from me even though I was their pimary care giver, now paying child support when I can't afford to, watched my oldest son quit school at age 14, and not get a job - he has had suicide attempts, he has suffered greatly. In addition during this time period, my father and grandmother both died and I was extremely close to both of them.
What keeps me going today?? Some days I know - my kids - number 1, I don't want to leave them behind thinking I don't care about them. Other days, when I struggle - I don't know. Can' find the right job, don't have any money, not succesful after a life filled with success, my health is poor.
I just hope that the good days outnumber the not so good days and that I don't have many not so good days back to back.
My kids are everything to me - they need me, and I need them. God, do I need them!!
I read your post and felt compelled to respond as I sensed the pain behind your words. I too was cheated on and terribly wronged as were my 2 children. Yes, it seriousl;y affected them and me also. No, life will never be the same. But, truthfully, life never does stay the same. I understand that you were a "good boy" as I was always a "good girl". I was taught that the guys in the white hats always win. Not true. Life isn't fair. Life is hard. I look back on the "good years" and am grateful for them. I often wonder why things couldn't have worked out differently. I have come to the conclusion that some people just have no conscience and are emotionally detached from thier families without necessarily being obvious about it. If you allow yourself to get some enjoyment from the small things in life and to enjoy your children and participate in their lives fully, you will tend to not focus on your pain as much as you are now. I also found that volunteering helped alot. Helping others took my mind off my own hurts many times. Yes, I am still lonely and yes I am still angry, but, I know there's nothing I can do about it. The damage has been done. It can't be undone. I refuse to create more damage than their father already has. You are the one that you rchildren need. They need you to rely on and look up to. You can't do that when you're an inpatient. Life and health is a lot about an optomistic outlook. I know it doesn't solve all our problems, but it does help. Try to look forward, not back. Your children need you to not desert them, either physically or emotionally. I will pray for you and your children. |
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November 10, 2005, 3:50 pm PST
Quote From: loobylou
To all you people who are having problems in your marriage, the only way to make it work is to do what it takes TO BECOME BEST FRIENDS! Would you desrespect your best friend or talk to them like they are stupid or embarass them etc... NO! So turn the TV off have a drink together go for a walk together talk about everything that comes to mind share secrets date each other compliment each other be thankful for what the other is doing for you, hold each other be funny be helpful. I'm sure you can come up with more yourselves. Just dont be too surprised if it doesnt all lead to awesome feelings and awesome sex! What more would you want in life than to feel happy? So work at it! Most of all let your kids see you laugh and hug! Your email sounds very uplifting but in relaity it just doesn't always work that way. My first husband became mentally ill after many years of marriage. He became a pathological liar, sex addict and anti-social personality disorder. We went for a lot of counseling and attempted changes but unless both people want the same thing, it won't work. No matter how good of friends you are or think you are. In reality, some hurts can't be transcended. I prayed for God to bring me peace and he did. Just not in the way I expected it. I wound up kicking the cheating, sicko, ex to the curb, ran into my first love of my life, married him and he died shortly after we married. He was the best thing that ever happened to me, even if it was short lived. He did more for me and my self esteem in a few short years than the ex did in 26 years. Sometimes the best answer is to GET OUT and cut your losses. It is important to look out for yourself once it becomes apparent that your partner is not concerned with your feelings or your self respect. Children also need to see that the parent raising them has a healthy self image. |
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December 5, 2005, 3:46 pm PST
Quote From: bfreinhart Hi,
I am Catholic and I just needed to clarify:
1. The Church does not charge money for an annulment. It grants them when there is a valid reason, regardless of the financial situation of the parties involved.
2. The Church grants an annulment when there was some fundamental problem with the marriage at the time it took place. How long ago it took place is not the issue, the issue is, were all the necessary criteria of a marriage in place at that time.
3. Pat did not make the marriage null and void when he applied for the annulment. The marriage was null and void from the day it took place because of a lack of some necessary quality that needed to be there for the marriage to be valid. All he did was obtain a piece of paper that states what was already, in fact, the truth.
Please don't turn the actions of certain guests on this show into an attack on the Church.
I was married 24 years and received an annulment last year, from the Catholic Church. I received this annulment through the Phoenix diocese and paid $1000.00 for it. My paperwork stated that the church that I belonged to paid the remainder. I am not sure of the amount paid by the church. My paperwork also very clearly stated that an annulment of the marriage does not legally nullify the union nor does it legally nullify the children or "issue" of the marriage. It is an annulment only in the eyes of God and the Catholic Church. I have 2 children from that marriage and neither one has ever expressed anger or problems with my getting an annulment. I sought this as it was for my own soul and peace of mind. It was and is no reflection on how I feel about my children. One has absolutely nothing to do with the other. My ex and I broke up due to his pathological lying, his numerus affairs, his latest affair involving domination/submission, his patronizing prostitutes and his transmission of an STD to me. Within one hour of finding out the facts, I had the locks changed on the house, and had all of his personal belongings out on the patio. His actions were dangerous not only to me but to our children. What kind of craziness was he bringing into our home? I do not regret my actions at all. To stay with him would have been insanity. He has since married twice and divorced once more. He remains unstable and our daughter refuses to have any type of relationship with him. She tried many times to have a positive relationship with him but everytime, he would do something to hurt her and make her feel like an outsider in his life. Our son plays him for all he can as he is a user. I refuse to allow him to play me but his father allows it, so, I'm really glad I'm me and not him. I believe that annulment is a very personal decision to be made and that no one else, including children from the marriage, should weigh in on the issue. It is between the individual and God. |
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December 15, 2005, 6:08 am PST
I am so thrilled to have the format and opportunity to thank both you and Robin, Dr. Phil, for your thoughtfullness for those in need, especially over the holidays. I think the most beautiful part of your "plan" is that you are generous and helpful throughout the year, which exemplifies the true spirit of Christmas. I have no clue how you differentiate between those truly in need versus those who ask for help. Just reading these message boards is a good example of that. It seems that so many people are asking for help these days. Bless you both that you may continue your generous actions for quite some time to come and that you will always feel the Christmas spirit in your hearts. Yours will be the most precious gift of all.....that which you feel in your heart. |
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