Messages By: cajunwoman

Well, I too have recently found out my husband of nearly 20 years was cheating on me.  I thinkg I must have deliberately blinded myself to his infidelity.  Our marriage has always been a bit fiery.  We haven't had the best of intimate lives in over 6 years.  We have 2 children (boy 19, girl 12), and an daughter-in-law to be (who also happend to be carrying my 1st grandchild).  I found out on September 23rd the truth of his infidelity, through his email account.  I had been very curious for about a week before.  His emails were very devastating.  He had even written a "contract" for them to meet every other Monday morning where they would spend time together enjoying mutual friendship, passion, pleasure and more.  His last email to her said "lets get married".  Yes, he wasn't actually proposing, but the message was clear.  It turns out that the "affair" has been going on for about a year, with a woman that he has known for about 2.  He sold her a car for her daughter, and from then on it began.  At first he said it was friendship, then he started having oral sex with her.  He swears it never went farther, even his emails state that.  Then he says it went back to being just friends and him helping her with her studies.  By the way, she is married with 2 teenagers as well, her husband is military.   I so wanted to kick him out on the day I confronted him.  He cried and said he wanted to save our marriage.  He had been with her that very evening, supposedly breaking it off with her.  He says it is over, he promised to never contact her again.  But just today I found her number on his cell phone.  I also found a voicemail from her stating that she had missed his call and asking him to call her back, then closed the message by saying "I Love You".  I am sure many of you on this board can imagine my thoughts and feelings at discovering this.  The schmuck hd let our son's fiance borrow his cellphone for job hunting purposes, and didn't even thing to clear out his evidence.  Man, I really don't know what to do.  We have been going to counselling, with a pastor that I trust implicitly, for over a month now.  As a matter of fact, we were supposed to go to a session tonight.  Unfortunately our pastor couldn't make it, so we went to the mall with the kids instead.  The other day he asked me how committed I was to making this work (I had been having a real bad week where everything he did was making me mad), I told him if I wasn't he wouldn't still be in the house.  Our 20th anniversary was last Wednesday.  I didn't acknowledge it at all, he was very upset about that.  I just didn't know how to, or whether I even wanted to, acknowledge it.  I realized 2 days ago that was the reason for my bad week.  But, now I find myself ready to ask him the same question, seeing as how he is still in contact with this woman.   

Thanks for letting me vent.  Any advise is welcome 

That is what I used to think.  My husband always called me when he was going to be "late".  Turns out he was with her instead.  Boy was I stupid.  Not saying you are and he is, but just to let you know.  Several of my husbands' "golf" dates were with her as well.  Not only that, but he always told me that the boss was paying, so I wouldn' bother to look for expenses.  He had his own checking account and credit card.

Hello and let me say, I am going through the exact same thing as well.  I just found out about my husband's affair September 23rd.  It hasn't been 2 months and he already expects me to not discuss the "issue" any more.  However, just like yours, mine has still been in contact with his "woman".  It doesn't matter to me that he says it was for business purposes only.  My husband sells cars for a living.  He sold a car to this woman for one of her teenagers.  From then on he started talking to her via his cell, then via Yahoo Messenger.  Then they started meeting personally.  They would have dinner together in his car, or other places.  They also had oral relations in their vehicles.  This lasted for about a year and a half.  Supposedly he had ended the relationship the day I found out.  But, just 4 days ago she called him and he didn't tell me about it.  I found out quite by accident, because he was stupid enough to let my daughter-in-law to be borrow his personal cell phone.  There was a voice mail from her in which she told him she was sorry she missed his call and for him to call her back, and closed the message with "Love You".  Devastation is close to what I felt upon listening to that message.  Of course I confonted him about it that very evening and we argued, but we stuck it out until we could talk calmly and discuss it rationally.  I want to believe that he is not still contacting her and that this was just some fluke.  What hurts even more is knowing the promise he made me not to contact her again, he still called her back.   I told him that I was going to contact her and tell her that if she called him again I would contact her husband and tell him about the whole affair.  He later begged me not to, because she has threatened him before that if he ever told her husband, she would have no problem having her family members take care of him.  Could just be bunch of bunk, to protect his little lover (not so litte-matter of fact more overweight than I am), but I can't take that risk with my kids lives.  I did take his cell phone and if that TWIT calls that cell again, I will call her.  I know where she works, I just don't know her last name or where she lives.  I do know that he has her husband's cell phone number somewhere.  As vindictive as he says that she is, I believe I can match her.  I just don't want my children to pay for my vindictiveness.  How else can I let her know that she needs to stay away from my husband?  By the way, the same night I heard that voice mail on his cell is the same night this show was aired on my cable channel.  That was completely ironic, wasn't it?

You have written exactly what my Pastor, and even my Family Doctor has told/suggested to me.  I find that you saying this reinforces it.  My husband and I are seeking counseling from  a Pastor friend of the family.  We have a very long way to go, mostly because I think my husband is still in denial about the true extent and nature of his affair.  He is always making statements to try to minimize his sexual relationship with her.  What he still doesn't seem to get it that is isn't the sex that is tearing me up so much.  It is the intimate relationship with her.  The feelings of Love that he professed for her, the statements that he would rather be with her than with me.  That he would spend time and money with and on her that he should have spent with and on me and the kids.  I have had him get tested for diseases and those have come back clean.  But, that doesn't mean I am ready to trust him with my heart or body just yet.  I know that I will eventually have to forgive him, but I have not reached that in my recovery.  Will I ever be able to, that is the true question?  There are days when I can see that future, but there are just as many days when I can't.  Letting this wall down again will truly be the most risky move.  But I at least have some concrete ideas of how to go about recovering and rebuilding.  Thanks!