Messages By: iloveshars

Hello, My parents were the opposite, they had the money and they chose not to spoil me, or help me through college and even high school.  By the time I was 12 I was babysitting my  brother who is 3 years younger, I cooked and cleaned, did my own laundry, sometimes helped out with the families clothes also.  By 14 I was required to babysit and work part time jobs to buy designer clothes, and I was given nothing for free, I even had to earn my spare time by doing chores to earn the "fun time"  Although I would be a little more leaniant (spelled right?) if I had my own children, I think it's a total mistake to indulge children with everything. Even if you can afford it, making your children go without some of the extras, will do them good and teach them to appreciate what they have.  I think it would be a better service to these children who are spoiled, to teach their children about  all those people who have little and or nothing to give to their children.  Some people work very hard everyday and they can't avfor a Lexis or even enough food to put on their tables.  Spending time not money on children is what will really make them happy!    

Hello I read your message and I would like to say that you sound like a person who will be able to find love!  I understand your worries about debt and living at home, but this does not mean no one will be interested.  There are bound to be nice ladies out there in the same situation or will understand how you got there.  And not that you have to explain the reasons you are still at home, if a lady is understanding she may see that you are not planning to stay for good at home.  Start some kind of plan on when to get out on your own and what steps you can take to do so, eg Savings, pricing the market for rentals ect. 

As for being not social enough, I would suggest first off making a list of what you want in a date ro girlfriend, what you could not stand, and this will attract to you what you want.  It's like ordering from the universe what you would like.  I don't know if this is something you believe in but it's something called the power of intention, kinda like karma!  Anyway, then make a list of things you like to do in public, a variety of activities like bowling, watching a game, shopping, walking, music, animals (volunteer at a shelter or something) and do these things at least once a week with the intention of at least speaking to people you don't know, maybe not for a date, but just to get prepared, you will never know where this will lead until you try.  Then consider doing the same (taking to strangers casually, not too deep of topics like religion, politics or really personal stuff)  in places that you may not enjoy so much like the dry cleaners or waiting for a bus ect.  Keep your own focus on being happy with who you are and what you have learned in you life, also your dreams other than having a girl.  Women like men who are confident, but not cocky, who have goals and dreams of their own, but may be willing to share with someone special.  Try this advice and see what comes to you! Good Luck and Best Wishes!    

I realize that there are other factors involved in our behavior than just our logic or parenting skills, but when it comes to children, they blame themselves no matter the cause of the anger.  My parents were mentally abuse in ways similar to Michelle's actions or they were just neglectful having no talk permitted or we were yelled at to shut up and not speak to adults.  The fear of my parents has vanished now that I am older, but I still remember as if it were yesterday how it feels to be constantly in fear or worrying about what will happen next, and how bad will it be this time to be yelled and cursed at.  Children don't care about chemical imbalances ect.  they just want love, and stability, not a war zone at home.   

My second point is that I have had the urge to scream and swear and even beat the crap out of my step daughter, BUT I did not, I have never raised my voice to her, I have never called her names, and I have never laid a hand on her EVER.  Her own bio Mom has abused her, and I just cannot understand how anyone could let themselves get away with it, especially when it's their bio child.  What stopped me from loosing control of myself was remembering the pain my parents caused and how this behavior still to this day affects my life.  In the relationship with my step daughter the abuse I suffered was enough for me to promise to myself I would never hurt a child mentally or physically AND I KEEP THAT PROMISE TO MYSELF for both our sakes.!      

My step daughter had a baby for many reasons,one of them was because she knew that she was nearly 18 and both her father and mother are tired of her lazy mooching ways.  Kids under 18 who are living at home are not usually considered moochers, but she is.  She never was taught to clean up after herself, was still in grade 10 when she should have been in 12, she is so inconsiderate for example if I bought a litre of milk she would fill one glass, take it to her room and then come back and get a new full glass and save it so that if she did not finish the first glass before we got to the milk, she would have at least an extra glass full, and we would be left with a sip at the end of the carton.  She just is totally usless and lazy.  So both sets of parents are sick of looking after a 18 year old who still acts 6 or worse and she was scared of living on her own, she knew she would have to clean cook, and WORK (yeah she had worked 4 part time jobs before and was fired from 2 for stealing and quit 2 because they expected her to actually work for the money)   

ANYWAY, she was scared of what being on her own would entail work and she thought  she would have it easier having a baby!  Now she expects her parents,step parents anyone in the neighboor hood to look after her and her baby and never stops complaining about how much work it is to look after her child.  She thought we would all take pity on her for having a child at a young, now that she is told she has to move out on her own she is trying to con us by telling us she is going to give the baby up unless we allow her to stay until she's ready to be on her own.  Almost 18 with a child I think it's time she grew up and stopped mouching ! 

I understand what it's like to have depression and anxiety.  I have experinced symptoms since I was 13, I am 30 now.  Everyone who has these issues experinces them differently, so it's so hard to know what the solution for your son is.  I have been taking anti-depress. and anti-anxiety for about 6 years now.  At first I took the anti anxieties 1 or 2 times a day.  Now I only take them once or twice a week.  It took me 3.5 years to find a anti-depressant which worked for me and this time was never easy experimenting with different combinations or trying one which seemed to work, but then made me worse.   

I have lived on my own since 18 and not had much financial or emotional support from either of my parents who themselves have had boughts of both anxiety and depression.  I have worked and went to school for those 12 years away from home and it has not been easy due to my sickness.  What helped me the most was challenging what I thought I could not do.  I never thought I would goto art school, I did, I never thought I would goto university, I graduated with a double major in psychology and sociology with a A- average.  I never thought I would learn and grow so much and learn to like myself much as I do so there is hope! 

Taking psychology  helped me to better understand what I am going through and about what I should expect from my doctors.  Doing art helps me express myself and I love music too! I finished school and have only been out of work for about 6-9 months one year after I had had what I called my "nervous breakdown"  It's tough to get out of bed when you feel numb or feel so down you feel as if you can't move.... 

 What I would suggest you to do is slowly add things to your son's life which he enjoys like his music.  Make it a regular thing he can look forward to.  Do you have a pet?  My dog was a life saver for me, they love unconditionally and they certainly give you a reason to get out of bed, or else you have a mess on the floor if you don't get up and take them out.  Another thing I would suggest is volunteer work.  Less pressure, but still it will get him out with people doing helpful things.  I also suggest exercise, which has been the hardest for me to keep up with, but walking my dog started it, now I go to the gym too and the rush from your adrenaline starts about 10 minutes into your work out and this helps with depression. 

So that's what I have to offer for advice.  Get him to do things like odd jobs around the house which require some responsiblity to get him on the move.  Little changes will make a difference hopefully!  I really think Dr Phil shoudl do more show on depression and anxiety, especially since it is so common in our time in our society.  Best wishes to your son and your family, PS another thought on helping is for you to read books on the topic and be open with him about what you learn!  

I already posted another message about my mooching step daughter.  She is only 18 going on 19, which seems a little young to be called a moocher, but she is.  She calls at least 3-4 times a week whinning about how she needs more money, someone to babysit for her (2month old) whatever...Whatever she wants she gets from Daddy.  She did live with us at one time and we couldn't get her( really Dad couldn't or didn't want to get her to help out with anything around the house, she wouldn't goto school and never kept a job.  I thought this was the most unloving thing a parent could do to their child, but I was not about to nag her to get her to do things and after many attempts I quit asking and told her Dad either his slobby daughter must leave or I was.  He was sick of her ways too, so he kicked her out.   

She moved back in with her Mom, but when Mom told her she was almost 18 and wanted to do nothing but sit around the house or go shopping with everyone elses money, that she would have to move out on her own.  But on her 18th birthday she annouced she was pregant and she thought this would be her free ticket for another 18 years.  Now that Mom is telling her to leave by March 1st, she is squirming because she is so lazy and has never had to work at home, school or a job.  She thought having a baby would force others to care for her and the baby out of guilt or pity.  Now that we (both sets of parents ) are not doing as much as she would like us to do , she is threatening to give up her baby.  Stupid idiot, she had the baby ,now she should take care of it.  For the future generation let's hope she raises her child better than her parents have been.  She has been a pain in the butt for too long and now that she's an adult, like it or not she will have to start being responsible.  If her father dosen't stop giving into her I am tempted to leave.  

Hello, I have this feeling too.  I  felt like I never had "safe" or protective parents as they were abusive, and I at an early age coped by day dreaming about having a great father figure cuddle me and hold me and treat me the way I child should be.  Even now that I am grown and have a boyfriend, I still use these fantacies to fulfull my needs. 

  My boyfriend likes to have sex at least once a day.  Actually I have put the limit on once a day, sometimes less and he acts like I am abusing him when I do this. He would do it 2 or 3 times if he could.  When he used to sulk I would get mad and fight with him because it hurt my feelings/  Also his ex wife, as he told me used sex as bartering tool and he does not want me or anyone else to have his power over him.  I don't want to use sex as way to have power over him, but I can't let someone have power over my body or mind either.   

So now when he whines and complains and says he will have to go somewhere else for his sexual needs, I ignore him until he is willing to talk about it rationally.  He knows about my past, yet he doesn't understand the effect it still has on me and the many ways it still effects me.  I don't expect him to, because I still am learning about how this abuse has changed who I am.  Also he was molested as a child as well, this and his power struggle over sex with his ex may play a part in these troubles too.  Another thing I do to cope is tell him I want him to go out and find another outlet for his overactive "NEEDS".  BUT the best stategy I have found was to initiate the action myself if he gives me a change to mention it before he does.  This way he knows I desire him and want to give him what he wants, but I don't feel as pressured.   

Talkin about this issue is best left to times when you are not mad about it already, or he isn't looking for action right at that moment.  Tell him why, and what you want, and that you want to give him what he wants without degrading your own right to choice of when you do it.  So that is my advice, I must admit it doesn't always work.  Best of Luck to you!