Messages By: jrhighmath

I am 51 years old and have been divorced for a year.  Two years ago I found out that my spouse of 27 years had a double life going.  Were there signs I ignored?  You betcha!  He fought the divorce only because of the financial liability.  Translation:  he didn't want to be forced to split his military retirement.  I was devastated and saw myself in each of the women.  I am also a Catholic but have applied for a sacremental annulment so that I am not "married" in the eyes of the Church.   

  

I have found support groups and am amazed how many women have similar stories.  I put my spouse first for many years, raised his children, entertained his bosses, did his laundry and listened (and believed) his criticism that I was less than a person.   

  

I have come to realize that he is the loser in this.  My children are adult but he buys them with gifts.  What I hear is that he is miserable in the new relationship but is looking around and again will not leave until he has someone to pick up his dry cleaning for him.   

  

I am looking forward to seeing part two. 

Hello

 

My story is a success story.  I was married for 27 years to an Army officer.  We moved 15 times in 27 years.  He spent 24 on Active Duty - I was never anywhere long enough to form a support network.  He never hit me so I didn't realize I was an abuse victim till after I left.  I was verbally and emotionally abused behind closed doors.  Even my children were unaware.  He is very controlling and exercises excessively 3-4 hours a day if he can.  As a young bride he would have me stand on a scale naked while he checked to make sure I weighed what he considered acceptable.  I was afraid for years to eat much.  He would only have sex with me if I weighed a certain amount otherwise I was undesireable.  We couldn't have friends.  When I did invite people over he made the entertaining such an ordeal I wouldn't want to do it again.  I was constantly demeaned, not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough.

 

What happened?  He had me down so low the only other thing he could hit me with was infidelity "Who wouldn't cheat on you?  Have you looked at yourself in the mirror?"  Something inside me snapped.  I moved out and filed for divorce.  It took 20 months in a 3 month "no fault" state.  I am happier than I have been in a long time.  I have friends and can entertain all I want.

 

My children are still controlled by him even though they are adults.  You can buy love.  Their loss.

 

The girlfriend dumped him when she found out he wasn't as rich as he appeared to be.  He's on bimbo #3. 

 

I read many books.  Dr Phil's "Self Matters" is wonderful.  Also "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans is very good.  It would be nice if Dr Phil does a show on verbal/emotional abuse.  I didn't know it had a name.  "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend is also a good book.

 

I asked for no contact.  There is nothing I need from him.  My daughter got married last April and I wouldn't sit with him.  My daughter said it would look bad but I stuck to my guns.  You see we had to portray the "perfect" family to the world for years. 

 

God Bless you all.  Life after domestic violence can be wonderful.

 

M

Wow - I can't wait to see this show.  Let me just tell you I was in an verbally/emotionally abusive marriage for 27 years and I would have denied while I was in it.  It wasn't until after I finally left when I had the affair rubbed in my face ("Who wouldn't cheat on you") that I really heard that abuse didn't have to be physical.  Before you judge the women who stay please understand that abusive men are very good manipulators.  My marriage started off with very little and then it started to increase little by little.

 

A counselor talks about the "frog experiment".  Two pans of water, one room temp and one boiling.  A frog is put in the boiling water and immediately jumps out.  Another frog is put in the room temp water, the heat is put on low.  The frog will "acclimate" until it boils to death.  Many women out there are about to boil to death.  I would never go to counseling or get help.  It would blow the "cover" of the perfect family.

This sounds very familiar.  I was in a similar marriage for way too long (27 years).  What you all don't understand about women like us are the mind games the men play.  I felt that I couldn't leave.  My ex has been pulled over several times for speeding and has always talked himself out of the ticket.  He always threatened that when he was through with the judge I would have nothing - not even my kids.  I stayed out of fear.  I did lose the weight he wanted but the put downs would be for other things.  he would point out attractive women in public.  he would point out pictures of movie and tv stars that had children but still had perfect bodies.  He demeaned me for years and when the children were grown and gone he had an affair and rubbed that in my face.  I finally got up the nerve to leave.  All the threats didn't happen.  Did I get much from the marriage - no.  The debt was unbelievable - I traded alimony for him owning HIS debt (he owned four cars when I left with car number 5).  Don't be too quick to judge this woman - the mind games are unbelievable.  I didn't know verbal/emotional abuse had a name.  My children thought he was the perfect father.  I fear for their relationships.

 

God bless this women - I hope she gets help. 

I look forward to seeing this show - I am a 54 year old woman - divorced for five years.  Ex decided he was needing to trade me in for another after 27 years of marriage.  Financially I'm fine but I have found dating extremely difficult.  Men my age walk past me to the 30 somethings.  Other women my age are extremely aggressive and I'm not the one that wants to do the asking out.  I met a couple men online but they are "players" and I would like an exclusive relationship.   I read Dr Phil's dating book and have tried to follow his advice but it's hard facing the rejection over and over.  I had a 58 year old tell me I was too old at 52 to date him.