Quote From: cj2005This is a long one. If you’re a survivor that has had difficulties in relationships and think you can help me, please read it.
I am a partner of a survivor. A week ago she tells me she is going to see a consoler because she feels that she needs to give me something back because I’ve been so patient. At first I thought this was great. Then I after a few days of thinking about it I thought differently
So this past week I was feeling a little down. She confronts me this weekend and asks what’s going on. I tell her I’m just going through a tough time right now and she is stunned. She says things are great and she can’t understand why I’m having a problem. She says she thinks it’s the sex and I’m heading down the road that led us close to divorce not two months ago. I told her that wasn’t the case and I just needed a little time to recover. I told her I didn’t want to get help just for me and if she wanted to get help for her, then great, but don’t force yourself into something just for me. Was this a mistake?
She didn’t give me a response. So I thought about it some more. I wondered if she was thinking she needed to give me more in a sexual capacity or if she wanted to know who it affected me and our everyday life. I was hoping the latter. I know the sexual aspect of our relationship will likely be last. We had to postpone this talk due to family obligations.
So last night I tell her if she’s having a hard time going to see someone, that reading Allies in Healing might be a good segue. She tells me she can’t deal with her issues and mine then tells me she wishes she could have a normal life and that can’t happen with us but if she could start over and no one knew about her past maybe it could. I was floored. I realize that is a nice fantasy, but to think her past would never haunt her is just that, a fantasy.
I got up to go to bed and she engaged me again. Wanting to know why I didn’t want to finish “Grey’s Anatomy.” I told her I couldn’t sit there and not talk about it. She had disassociated herself and I needed to remove myself from the situation.
Things deteriorated the following morning when she tells me I’m back to asking her for support and that things are getting back to being as bad as they were when she wanted to leave. I tell her that’s not the case then I send her the following e-mail:
“I’m sorry I pushed you. I’m not trying to fix you. I’m trying to help you and I am trying to be supportive. It’s perfectly normal to have the desire to help the people you care about. You’ve done the same to me in the past. You’ve pestered me to tell you what’s wrong even when I didn’t want to talk about it. You may not recognize that I’m trying to help because you feel like I’m pushing you and maybe I am, but I don’t know that until it gets this far. I need you to tell me, “Joel, I really can’t talk about it right now.” And leave it at that. If I need to remove myself from the room because that’s the only way I can control myself, then let me leave. Why did you find it necessary to engage me once I decided to go read? I’m not asking you for an answer. I’m asking if you know.
There’s part of you that wants your past to disappear and there’s part of you that has to talk about it. That’s hard for me to understand sometimes and I’m sure it is much harder for you. I want you to feel free to talk to me about it, not because I’m morbidly curious, but because it helps to talk to someone else about things that hurt. It helps to know that someone else knows and it helps to know that someone else cares enough to listen.
I’m not asking you to support me. I’m asking you for a little help by letting me know your boundaries and expectations. If you’re unable to do that at this time, then say so but please tell me you’ll think about it. I can understand if you’re frustrated with me but please don’t be angry with me. If you’re angry, than direct that anger at the people who deserve it.
I know you don’t expect me to be perfect, but it sometimes it feels like you do. I am here to stand by your side, to give you a shoulder to lean on when you need it, and to hold you up when you need it. I am human and I am fallible and there will be times when I stumble. The only thing I need from you when I stumble is for you to tell me you can’t help me when you can’t and for you to understand that it’s not always easy for me. So I guess I am asking for some occasional sympathy. Sorry ‘bout that. Is that unreasonable? I’m in a tough spot right now with school, finances, a new job, and selling the business. Come 2006, a huge portion of that pressure will be lifted. Please keep that in mind.
Kana, I care for you more than anything in the world and nothing is going to change that. What’s happened to you and what you’ve done to cope with it all of these years can’t take that away. I would love you just the same had it not happened. You must believe that. Do you? There are times that my heart feels like it’s going to burst with love. Fortunately, those times are more often than not.”
Her response:
“You just couldn't help yourself could you? Had to make a bad situation worse to make yourself feel better. Maybe in your mind your making it better, but your not. To me it's all word vomit.”
I wanted to do was make it better. How did I make it worse? How in the hell am I suppose to respond to something like that??
cj
One thing i have learned as a survivor: I am the only one who can change anything inside of me. Not one person out there can help me to change what goes on in my thoughts or with my feelings. No one has the power to hurt me with words, nor do they have the power to make me feel better. I am the only one who has the power to change myself. As with your partner. You can try all you want, but believe me. YOU HAVE NO POWER TO CHANGE HER. I suggest you take care of yourself the best you can and allow your partner to take ownership for her actions. I had to go through weeks of processing my life to finally behold this in me. Please take care of you and allow her to take care of herself.
JD
