Messages By: tamann

Quote From: leettak

Hello.  I am a 47 year old female who just took her husband back after a 4 year separation.   Wow it is an emotional roller coaster.   It is something we both want and wanted.  However,  before you do this,  make sure the questions you ask about "while we were apart" are answered truthfully.    Honestly,  the answers,  if presented in a lie,  are far more damaging than anything else the two of you have been through.   Since my husband has returned I have learned things about him that actually turn my stomach.   He is a totally different person than the man I thought I knew.   In all honesty he is someone I would not have anything to do with at all.   He is manipulative and is a blatant liar.  I know I have gotten myself into a situation that perhaps I did on my own.  But... I never bargained for anything I have learned.  Strip Clubs, hookers, and total scanks, women he slept with out of the blue, women he took home from stip clubs,  are just the icing on the cake.  Lies about behaviors that he knew if I would have known upfront,   would have never agreed to move in together.  Lowlife friends and a lifestyle that would make his own mother cry.   Lowlifes that he lied about me to in an effort to make himself look better. Marriage proposals while he is still married to me was the first thing to cross my path.   The list goes on and on.    I know most people would feel I am crazy for trying.  But I remember how it was without him.  I love him with all my heart.  I fear that who I love is no longer with me.  I keep looking for him and he has not appeared.   I long for the relationship we had before.  I fear that it is never going to happen.  I can not recover from what has happened.  Maybe if the people he were around were even 1/10 of what I knew him to be, it would not be so difficult.   Maybe if he would have ended the affair he was having before comming home to be with me , I would be better.  Maybe this, Maybe that.  Who knows.   It is hard to maintain your self esteem and your trust.  It  IS an uphill battle all the way.   We have  been at this for over 1 year now.  We still argue about his lies after he came home.  We fight about his denials of how he felt and that he liked what he was doing. He claims one thing verbaly,  and his behavior states something different.   Also ,  he alone,  is responsible for his own actions.  Each time it breaks a little more of me and us away.   I am not without fault here. I also had an affair.   But it never felt right to me. I ended it very abruptly.   I wanted him But he was gone with out a trace.  I lived in hell for four years over my mistake.  Now I am to blame for his falling apart and falling into a world of  liars, hookers and crack whores, and lowlife women.   I am not sure how much longer I can hold up.  So People be smart.  Before you decide, think it through and do a little investigating on your own.  Save yourself and give it time.  

Quote From: aneedtoknow

i think he thought he was cured was because it is such a grand experience to not feel like exhibiting the behavior, especially after 25 years. when you are excited about something, you tend to celebrate the moment.  he, obviously, at that moment felt that he had indeed been cured.

 

this supercedes any other reason like that he is indeed not cured, but that he has to manage it the rest of his life.  reality will eventually catch up, but for now i am glad to see that he his excited about his achievement.

 

it is just a celebration of a milestone that made him feel good.  he may have jumped the gun, but in no way am i going to take that away from him.  i will only enourage him to continue.

 

if indeed he is only lying to himself, i don't think that he meant to.

 

if he meant to lie, i still see the need to encourage him because he obviously needs the support. 

 

it's just a matter of giving a person a chance based on the fact that he never chose the behavior and there is always a small chance of rehabilitation.  maybe the way exhibitionists are rehabilitated is just plain wrong and that is why there is such a high rate of failure.

 

hope this made sense!

 

have an incredible day,

kathy

Quote From: kittyjo

I know what you are going through...I will pray for you...get some support for yourself, pornography addictions are serious....most likely you will continue to find things out about his addiction and it severity...keep your guard up...especially if you have kids....if you need someone to talk to or even vent to when things come out you can always message me....cuz girl ive been through it....my husband just got worse and worse even with treatment and sa....i had to leave due to safety issues with myself and my kids...I hope your husband can make it...It is hard to be in your place taken along for someone elses bad choices, sometimes it feels like all you can do is react when the "stuff"  comes out.  Im sorry it hurts....