Messages By: chrysinmo

  

This is REALLY long, so if you make it to the end, THANK YOU!!

  

 

  

 

 

  

 

My fiancé’s porn addiction has not only crushed my entire self worth, but has ruined our relationship.  We've been together for almost 8 years and the person who I thought I knew, turned into someone who I don't even know.  All the lies, betrayal, deception-- all the secrets--- he has made me question myself as a woman and has made me feel lower than I ever thought I could feel.

  

 

 

  

 

I've always been a very confident person.  I use to be able to walk into any room and feel like I owned the place- with, or without him.  And now, I can only do that if *he's* not with me.  I have to look to other men to validate me as a woman because of what he has done to me.  I have to give men credit, if it wasn't for you guys- I would really question myself entirely.

  

 

  

 

  

 

He and I have always had a (very) healthy (and very enjoyable) sex life. I’m talking 5-6 times a week, and sometimes 2 times a day.  We have always shared such a passion for one another and sex was FUN.  I’ve tried things with this man and opened myself up sexually with him more than any other man I’ve been with, including my ex-husband who I was with for 11 years.  (I’m 33 now).   My ex-husband and I watched porn together on occasion.  It was something that was just comfortable in our marriage.  We weren’t really “in love” per se, married out of high school, had a baby- got bored with one another (at least I know I got bored with him- lol.).  So, we tried the porn thing- had fun, tried to spice things up- it just worked for us.  My relationship with D, as I’ll call him here J, was always so full of sexual energy that I never felt that we needed that in our relationship.  I’m very open with him and told him about my ex and I watching porn together and he thought that was weird.  He and I tried watching it one night together in the beginning of our relationship (he bought a movie at a hotel that was 7 girls, nonetheless, umm..  no thank you!)- and it just didn’t FEEL right.  We turned it off , and never watched it again.  I’m not a prude in the least bit, but with him- it just never felt that we needed to add that element in our relationship. Or, so I was wrong….

  

 

  

 

2 years ago, I was on his laptop after he had gone to bed.  I wasn’t “checking up on him” in any sense.  I’ve always trusted this guy with every ounce of my being and he had always gone and did what he wanted.  Weekend trips to Vegas with friends, off to CA, you name it—and I was always fine with it.  He had never given me a reason NOT to trust him, so I trusted him. Now, he’s always been a VERY jealous guy (he gets upset if another guy looks at me, which, as we all know with guys- happens ALL the time).  He always calls us “Beauty and the Beast” because if you saw us together, you would not think we were a couple.  We get it ALL the time.  He’s def. not the type of guy that I use to go after—he’s about 70lbs over weight (has gained about 50lbs since I’ve met him) and just not the type of guy that I have to worry about with other woman.  His personality and charm however, is what won me over. He can make anyone believe anything at any given time--- he plays people, and now I know that. Now,  I wonder what the hell happened to that person that I once knew, or in better words, thought I knew?

  

 

  

 

Anyways, I was surfing the net on his computer and found a site that I wanted to save, so I clicked “Save to Favorites”.  I see this site that he has saved titled “How to pick up college girls”.  Needless to say, I clicked on it and was beside myself.  It was “tips” if you will, on how to pick up college chicks and links to all these college porn sites.  After seeing this, the red flag was raised so I kept looking around on his computer.  I went to his temp internet files and could NOT believe my eyes:  he wasn’t just looking at few sites here and there- he was looking at sites 3, 4 times a DAY.  I checked the dates/times and all those nights that he “said” he had to work late (he owns his own company, so he is a workaholic, and now I know why)—he was at the office getting off to all these sites.  I was CRUSHED.  My entire heart just fell to my feet.  I still can’t get those images out of my mind.  I couldn’t believe it—after ALL the times that I asked him if he has ever looked at it and he KNEW that if it was that important to him, that we could have watched movies together- but not THIS.  It was ALL woman.  Teens, woman in general, lingerie models, videos- you name it.  It made me feel so completely ugly and worthless it wasn’t even funny.  I work out at the gym 3x a week and can get almost any guy that I wanted, and here’s this man that should be DAMN PROUD to have me by his side and his actions couldn’t be any more clear that I’m not enough for him.  That he’s not attracted to me,  That the only way he can have sex with ME is after looking at all of these SLUTS on the computer.

  

 

  

 

I can’t tell you how many times he would come home from lunch and be all over me- all hot and bothered, wanting me to have sex or for me to go down on him.  I thought he came home to ME because he was attracted to ME and wanted ME..  not because he had gotten off on all of these woman and just wanted my body to get off on.  I have never felt so completely used and hurt in all of my life.  I can’t understand WHY he would do this to not only me, but to US???  All the LIES.  I can’t even BEGIN to go in about all the lies and the betrayal.  He took me to a point in my life that I have never expierenced before.  No man has ever hurt me before and to have the one man that I adore more than life itself and that I would do anything for do this to me—I just feel like the 8 years that we’ve been together is a lie. All the passion and hot sex that we’ve had over the years were driven from him looking at other woman.  He LIED to me SO MANY TIMES about it, EVEN after I confronted him about it—he lied.  After a week went by and we finally talked about it (him, still- even to this day- 2 years later—he won’t talk about it- I BEGGED him not to tell ANYONE about what was going on.  It was embarrassing.  I was hurt and so disappointed that I was so naïve in this relationship and I was so completely numb that this had gone on, excessively, for over 5 years- day in- day out- without me evening knowing about it.  I wondered what ELSE is he hiding that I don’t know about, that he so wonderfully covers up? He travels (a lot) and I can’t imagine what he does when he’s out of town. Or how many strip clubs that he’s been to.  He’s addicted to woman, so how do I know that he hasn’t cheated on me? His brother “ordered” a prostitute while we were in New York —who’s to say that “D” hasn’t done the same thing? I BEGGED him not to breath a word about what was going on to anyone and he swore to me that he wculdn’t.  Here comes that” trust” thing again.  About 6 months later, me, D, and his brother are all hanging out and the touchy subject of internet porn comes up (his brother is addicted to it as well) it comes up and his brother says “Yeah, I heard about all that mess that you guys went through”…..  here, I had BEGGED him not to say a word about my own PERSONAL FEELINGS and RAW emotions, just to have him run off and tell his brother. 

  

 

  

 

I found out about this 2 years ago and things have only gotten worse.  Things have happen since then (lies on his part) and I can’t trust him on any level.  Not with my feelings, not with my heart, not even with my words.  This is the guy that I wanted to spend my entire life with. He “claims” that he stopped and has only looked at it twice since all of that happened, but come on- I’m not that stupid.  If you’re “addicted” to it (and I’m sorry, but 3-4 times a DAY for 5 years STRAIGHT, if that isn’t being addicted, than I don’t know what is)—you don’t just “stop” doing it.  He clears out his history now if that’s any indictation.  He claims his computer is set up to do it automatically, whatever.  Our relationship went from this fun loving, always happy, very intiment couple to being this disconnected, unhappy, fighting all the time.  We have our highs and lows.  Some days are good, while most of them are bad. I don’t know him and because of all of this, he’s turned into this cold, calice, person who when he sees me crying my eyes out or just wanting to TALK about it to gain some form of reason to WHY  he needed it so bad in order to make love to me, or why I’m not good enough for him, or any of the other million and one questions that I have—he either drowns himself in achohol (he drinks every night—yes, he has a very addicted personalitiy- but I’m sorry, that’s NO excuse)—or he clams up, won’t talk to me- acts as if my words mean nothing to him, or gets up and walks away.  Not only is my life turned upside down from this, the person who I love who has done this to me can’t even take the time to TALK about it or help us get better.  He keeps saying “We need to go talk to someone”, or better yet “You need to go talk to someone”.  I’m depressed.  I use to be this fun, happy, out-going, always spunky person- to this sad, always crying until the hurt turns to anger, then the bitterness sets in--- and I can’t get out of it.  I left him this summer for 2wks, came home and he was really trying because he knew that I was at the end of my rope.  Just for us to take a trip to Memphis to meet up with some friends (VERY bad move at that point in our relationship)- to have him oogle over a new friend in the group ALL weekend.  He couldn’t take his eyes off of her IN FRONT OF ME and when she was leaving, he STOOD up and was WAITING in line to give her a hug.  If THAT isn’t being insensitive to my needs, then what is? He ALWAYS checks out other woman in front of me, and before, it didn’t bother me- I was secure in this relationship- but now? I feel that every single woman out there is a threat.  That he wants everything that I’m not.  I’m 4”11, 107lbs, long blond hair.  He looks at tall bruinetes or anything else that fits the profile of not being me. He’s OBSESSED with woman and it’s torn my entire being upside down. 

  

 

  

 

I know I’m beautiful, both on the inside and out--- but he has made me feel so completely ugly, worthless, not good enough, and just like every other woman out there has so much more to offer him than I do and I hate him for it.   My self esteem is nothing right now.  If it wasn’t for the attention that I get from other men, I wouldn’t know what I would do. It’s sad.  The one person who I WANT the attention from and WANT to feel desirable from, I don’t.  I feel like he would rather be with anyone else BUT me.  How can ONE man have such a huge impact on the way that I feel about myself?

  

 

  

 

And our sex life now? What sex life? On our “good days”, we “attempt” sex if you will.  Sex, not making love mind you- I don’t feel any love from this man and I’m to hurt by his actions and his dishonesty to open myself up to him emotionally.  We “try”, just to have it last 5min. (after he does his thing) because at that point I’m bawling my eyes out. I KNOW that when he’s having sex with me it’s not “me” that he’s thinking about—it’s ALL those woman in his head that he wishes was in bed with him right then.  I can’t get past this and for a woman who use to LOVE sex, I can’t even get past the first 5min. without my emotions taking over----  so I don’t even try.  We’ve had a few times in the last two years where we’ve “tried” to get back to “us”--  but I don’t feel that when we’re in bed that he’s with “me”.  I feel that every second of the time we’re there, he’s fantasying about all those woman he got off on and it just makes me dissect myself in every aspect and crushes me to no end. The pain isn’t worth it to me.  It’s just not.  Each and every time that we have had sex, there honestly hasn’t  been one single time that tears havn’t been falling down my face.  I feel like I’ll never be enough for this person and that he’s looking and waiting for that “something better”, like in his fantasy, to come along.  If he wasn’t- then why was he looking at all the porn so much? Why does he scope out every single woman each and every place that we walk into?

  

 

  

 

I’ve read the posts here and I keep trying to tell myself that it’s NOT my fault that he was looking at the porn and all those woman, but why else would he be looking? If I was enough for him, why WOULD he have NEEDED to (need to?- There’s no doubt in my mind that he hasn’t stopped- he says he has, but his words mean nothing to me at this point)—he’s just got smarter about it.

  

 

  

 

I love him, and I think that’s what hurts the worst.  I would NEVER have done something like this to him.  I am so honest and open with his man, I can’t imagine keeping something like this from him, let alone lieing about it, and then betraying his trust even more with not keeping it private between the two of us.  I can’t imagine my life without him, but honestly- I don’t even know who he is.  I look back on our relationship and it was all based on lies. All those special moments, all the love, all the passion…  it just a bunch of lies that mean nothing to me now.

  

 

  

 

I’m trying to find a therapist to help me get back to “me” again.  I hate the person that I’ve became and I can’t function like this anymore.  All the things that I was interested in before mean nothing to me.  I would rather just sleep all day so I don’t have to deal with the pain- I’m tierd of crying, but most of all- I’m tierd of him NOT being there for me when I need him- esp. after this is the mess that he created.  He wants to talk to someone together--  but I am not ready to do that right now.  We have 3 children together (ages 2, 3, 4)—so more than anything, I want to try to get past this for their sake.  I love him, and I can’t imagine my life without him—but right now, I feel like I don’t even know him and I can’t trust anything about him.  Everything triggers the pain- TV commercials/shows, billboards, another woman who he stares at—it’s always a constant reminder that I’m not good enough or he wouldn’t have been doing it- esp. so excessively.

  

 

  

 

Can a relationship get past this?  I’m at a breaking point and I honestly don’t know if I can move past this. 

  

 

  

 

If you’ve gotten this far- THANK YOU-.  It’s late (5:30am) and I can’t sleep--- my mind has been racing all day and it’s just not been a “good day” for me.  I miss being me and I miss being the confident, happy person that I once was.

  

 

  

 

I just want to get past this.

  

 

  

 

  

I'm sorry, but men need to figure it out.   Bottom line, no beating around the bush- I think men "want" their woman to feel sexy and blow them away in the bedroom and walk around with all the confidence in the world.  ALL the while, when they are gawking at other woman, making us feel like we're not good enough or that they would rather us look like something that we're not, or they are consumed with porn (like my fiance') and have this "visual stimuation" going on in their mind 24/7 and when they ARE suppose to be "making love to you", they are really "making love to the images in their own, sick head".  Yeah, that will do it to us every time.  Give me a break!  

  

Men need to step up to the plate and realize that as woman, we aren't going to ravish them in the bedroom when they are doing things to make us feel like we're not enough for them, or that they wish we looked like something else.  It doesn't matter WHAT you may weigh, or how much weight you have gained, if your husband MAKES you FEEL DESIRABLE and WANTED, and most importantly- LOVED INCONDITIONALLY, you are *going* to feel sexy.  It just makes me sick the society that we live in and how men treat woman.  Why is that woman have all this pressure to "be perfect, look perfect and enhance themselves with plastic surgery to live up to a "man's" perception of what the "perfect woman" should look like. I'm not against plastic surgery, but I am against the way society puts pressure on us to LOOK PERFECT. We sure in the heck don't put that kind of pressure on MEN.. we love them for who they are and how they make us feel.  

  

My fiance' is overweight.  He's gained a little over 50lbs since we've been together (8 years) and I love him now, as much as I did then.  The attraction hasn't changed for me, because it's the person on the INSIDE that I love- not the outter portion.  Right now I'm struggling with it all because of al the hurt and lies and betrayal he has put me through, so I'm questioning even who he IS in this point of my life, but my love or my desire for him hasn't changed due to his weight gain- but to how he has treated me as a person. 

  

Woman, keep your heads high and don't allow your husband's for a second to make you feel bad about yourself.  You *just* had a baby and it takes time to get back into shape.  I, too, had a c-section with my 3rd baby and it seemed like it was taking forever for the swelling in my belly and my scar to fade-- but once it did, you can barely tell now.  The scar is so faint, and unless you eat a lot of high, carby/sugary foods- you CAN look better than what you did BEFORE the pregancy.  It takes time and a lot of hard work (some more than others). But it CAN and WILL happen. It's hard to focus on taking care of yourself and improving your self image while taking care of a baby-- but the best thing I did after being pregnant for 3 years straight (my "babies" are 2, 3, and 4- each are only 11 months apart from one another)---  I joined the gym and was absoutely amazed at the transformation.  IT CAN HAPPEN..... 

  

The best advice I can give is to have patience, work at it.. even if it's a little excersize here and there, but most importantly, don't do it for your  husbands because of how they make you feel--- DO IT FOR YOURSELF. 

  

Hang in there..... 

  

  

So you gained a little weight, why should it impact him NOT to find  you desirable anymore? Are you not the same person that he fell in love with? Unless your personality has completley turned in the opposite direction, who the hell does he think he is?  

  

Why is it that if woman gain weight, oh- it's horrible.  But I'm sorry, you see overweight men with these such high expectations of their partners, yet we are suppose to love them, faults and all.  WEIGHT comes off.  It's not something that should disconnect you from one another and I'm sorry, but if you're fiance' is that shallow and is withdrawing from you due to a little weight gain-- he's def. not someone I would trust myself with.  Who's do know that if you guys get married and you have children (if you don't already)- that if you gain weight then..  how do you know he's going to be standing by you, thick or thin (no pun intended there).  Seriously, .... since when is making love based on WEIGHT? ....  Can you not put on a sexy nighty, fill the room with candles, and seduce him the same way now as you did before you gained the weight? Of course you can..... you can STILL be a sexy woman after gaining weight and the fact that he thinks you're not is HIS LOSE!!!! 

  

When you don't feel secure in your own skin, it does, in my opinion, weigh on a relationship.  I'm at the lowest point in my life right now due to my faince's porn addiction, and I'm sure he's sick of me "feeling sorry for myself" and "compareing myself to his PORN woman and the woman he stares at on the street).  The flip side to my situation is that with ANY OTHER MAN OUT THERE..  I know that I would feel sexy and could let my gaurd down and seduce them like there is no tommorow.  Not that I *would* mind you, but men give me so much attention and I love it.  The problem with my self esteem isn't how I think other people view me, it's how my own fiance' who I've been with for 8 years views me and how he needs to fantize about other woman in order to make love to me.   We've had almost a non-existent sex life in the last year---  we have went from 5+ times a week, to (maybe) once every 1.5-2wk, and that's simply because we both feel the urge.  I'm so disconnected from him, that I'm simply doing it for the foreplay itself because once we engage in sex- my emtions take over and all I do is think about which one of those images he's thinking about right then.  He doesn't have sex with me becase of me, it's becasue he's so worked up about the images in his head, he just needs "my" body to play out the fantisy.  I refuse to let him see me naked now-- he's made me feel like I'm not good enough or he would have never do the things that he has done.  I have completley closed myself up to him sexually.  he doesn't deserve my body, or any sexual attention to me.  He had me anytime he ever wanted me and he knew that.  But yet he still choose to do the things that he did and now, it's his lost.  I'm  not "with holding" sex from him- I just don't enjoy it now and I have to many emotions that make their mark so sex to me isn't enjoyable for me anymore.   

  

Ok, sorry to get off on a tangit about myself.  I'm just really hurt right now and I don't have a sounding board to get it off my chest.  i NEED to find a theorpist to talk to, but after looking in the phone book and online- no one seems to "fit" what I'm looking for as far as the problems that I'm facing.  

  

Bottom line:  If you aren't happy with your body right now, I would try to make a change. Have you ever done the low carb thing? It's a great way to lose weight fast- but it's not something that I would reccommend long term.  Eating healthy (smaller portions, more often) and EXERCISE will show you amazing results.   

  

hang in there-- and I would think twice about spending the rest of my life with this person if he's this shallow about your outter appearance after only 2 years.  What happens when you're 15 years into this relationship--  ....... just some food for thought.  

(ph no, another long one-- sorry guys!!!-- can you tell that I have *alot* on my mind?)--  

 

Thanks for the support everyone and for taking the time to read my (very) long post about my fiance’s porn addiction and the damage that it has done to not only me, but to “us” as a couple and a family.  

  

 

To answer your question as to why we’re not married after 8 years and 3 children later, it hasn’t been because of him- it’s been because of me.  I married right out of high school, to a guy that I had dated since I was 15- and was in a very controlling marriage.  I couldn’t even breath- I lost myself and it really impacted me.  D and I have always talked about marriage, since about a year into our relationship- but he knew that I wasn’t ready. We went as far as setting a date one time, just to find out that I was pregnant.  Then, boom! He pretty much kept me pregnant for 3 years straight (our little girls are only 11 months apart from one another).  We were really serious about getting married right before I found out about all the porn and we were at the VERY HIGH of our relationship.  Then it all came crashing down because of his lack of ability to put me first.  

  

 

He always said that he felt “guilty” as he was looking at the porn, but I’m sorry- tell it to someone else.  You don’t do it THAT excessively and then come home to me to “get you off’ if you feel any form of guilt.  I don’t know who this person is and why he feels compelled to continue to lie to me and “tell me” what he thinks I want to hear.  I’m  not a close-minded person, I’m not this person who would have looked down on him or shewed him away if he asked me to watch movies with him--  but the fact that his own “private life” consisted of being consumed with other woman and I had no clue crushes me.  

  

 

As to how I didn’t know—he apparently had been looking at it since the very beginning.  You have to know this guy, he’s a compulsive liar and can make anyone think ANYTHING.  He’s just that way.  He has the face of a teddy bear and I had always thought that we had this “dream” relationship that everyone else only wish they had some ounce of.  I never, for a second, ever questioned him on anything because he never gave me a reason to. Trust goes a long way with me.  I use to be this very trustworthy person and always seen the best in people.  But now? That trust is shattered and it’s hard for me to trust anyone and it sucks.  

  

 

I’ve built up this wall and I refuse to let my guard down with him because I know that if he kept this from me and lied to me for that long, that there are PLENTY of other things just waiting to come out--- and I refuse to be hurt anymore.  I love this man- but I’m so angry, hurt, and feel so betrayed- I truly wonder if I’ll ever be able to get past it.  I will not live my life with someone who I feel that I’m not enough for or that they love me enough to make sacrifices or put me first.  The love I’ve expierenced with this man is something that I’ve never had before, but right now- I’m having a hard time believing that any of that was even real because all those years in my eyes were just lies and betrayal and selfishness.  That’s not love.  

  

 

I can’t find the type of theorpist that I need to start my path to recovery. He doesn’t think he has a problem and claims that “he just stopped because he saw how crushed I was”….. I’m sorry, but I don’t believe it for a second.  He never gave a damn about me to begin with if he could look me in the eye EVERY DAYAND NIGHT for 6 years, and probably the last 2 as well, knowing what he was doing wasn’t right and that he was lying to me. If you can do that to someone, then I’m sorry---  you don’t deserve my love and you sure in the hell do not know what love is.  

  

 

My ramble session continues…. Sorry this is so long. I’m just really hurt beyond belief and I am tired of feeling like my heart has been just ripped out of me and that there is no hope.  

  

 

I have enjoyed reading these posts and it has really made me feel that I’m not alone.  So thank you for that.  (hugs) 

Ok, I haven't yet read your innitial post, explaining your situation-- I'm heading there next.  But as I'm going through the posts, this one caught my eye and I coudn't resist not posting.  

  

The fact that you admit to watching porn with your wife and the last thing that is on your mind is her- is a real problem.  Personally speaking, it sounds like you are in a marraige where porn is more important than your own wife.  You would rather view naked woman on a screen and live out this sick fanasty in your head that all these woman want you--  but you can't even turn that sexual eneregy away from the pictures to focus on your wife.  If she's not your "dream woman", what the hell are you doing with her? It seems like all the sexual stimi that you need, is your hand and your computer screen.  it's obvious that you don't care that this effects how your wife feels-  so, that in itself shows a lot about who you are as a person, and what is more important--  your own satisfication.  

  

I don't understand men.  Woman want to feel sexy, desireable, wanted, and absoutely adored.  Do you men have any idea that if you made us feel this way, one- by NOT oogling over every pair of boobs that you see, or by sitting in front of the computer screen getting off--  that maybe, just maybe-- you would be surprised at what sexual energy could be waiting for you in the bedroom.  

  

My fiance' and I were having HOT sex, 5-6 times a week. Anytime he wanted it, I was there.  Mind you, not every time or we would have never left the bedroom.  I made videos for him, we made viedos of ourselves, I took pictures of myself naked and emailed them to him.  We had a hot sexual relationship. ALL the while, me, thinking that this man wanted me and lusted after me--  was a bunch of lies.  All that hot sex wasn't because of his desire for me, it was from his sick porn addiction and his addiction to woman that was causing him to be so passionant and sexual.  How do you think this makes me feel? I'm a very sexual person, I love sex- and now, after I found out about all the lies and all the secret obsession that he has, has really made me sit back and realize that he doesn't *deserve* my sexual attention or my body.  If all these other woman are doing it for him and he would much rather call me, say he's working late, just to find out he's getting off on a computer screen looking at other woman, verses coming home to me- someone who loves him morethan life and would do anything that he wanted--  well, then I'm sorry---  he, along with you and every other man who chooses porn over their wife should enjoy your life with those fanasty pictures that mean so much more and let us go find the man of our dreams that not only make us feel secure and safe in their arms, that will fullfill us sexually and emotionally--  beleieve me Jeff, there are LOTS of loving, devoted men out there.  And with you doing this to your wife with no regaurd-- don't think for a miunte that by  you showing her what's more important, that she may not be out looking for the real thing.   

  

That's the thing with woman:  We don't need to "fantasy"--  we want our fantasies to come true with a loving, caring man.  We don't need that "visual stimulation" like you do, we want the touch.  We want to be carressed and devoired in the bedroom.  Why can't you men get this?  

  

I can get almost any guy that I want.  I'm not bragging, it's just a fact.  I get so much attention from men no matter where I go. When I don't feel validated or "good enough" in my fiance's eyes because he "needs" these images of woman in his head and because when he's making love to me, I KNOW he's wishing I was one of those images in his head-- my eyes start to wander.  I've never once in my relationship ever scoped out other men- I've looked, mind you- when he's not around. It's human nature, but it's the respect that I have for him that I woudln't do it in front of him.  Until now.  I'm to the point now, where I don't even care.  If he, or you with your wife, make it obviouse that all those other woman in the world are more important and you find them so much more desirable, then by all means----  have to it, but I can tell you this much:  The woman at home, that you take for granted- could wake up one day and shatter your dreams over your pathetic self- consumed attitiude and lack of compassion and williingness to make sacrifices for her.   

  

 I would never cheat on my fiance'- I'm just not that "girl", but I will tell you this:  Me, and a lot of woman out there are just looking to feel special, desirable, and wanted....  and above all else, loved.  If men like you and my fiance' are incapiabe of doing that..   don't think we're not looking for someone who can.  Just some food for thought.  One night when you're sitting in front of your computer screen, ....  she may just be fulfilling her dreams with another man in his bedroom.  I mean after all, men are so good at lieing..  don't you think us woman can lie too?  

  

Don't think for a second that by you doing what you are doing isn't wrong.  When a couple bnigs it into the bedroom to enhance their sex life- I see nothing wrong with that.  I've done it before, but because of eveyrthing that has happened with my fiance, I would NEVER be able to do this with him.  Ever.  But when one partner is hiding, or even oogling over the opposite sex so much, that when they are suppose to be making love (not just having sex-- MAKING LOVE can be just as hot, and bothered as casual sex)-- then that's where the person DOING this should step back and realize that the relationship obviously isn't as important to you- as it is your partner.  

  

Grow up and put yourself in your wife's shoes is all I'm going to say.  Men are more jealous by nature than woman, any day of the week.  You can lie to yourself and say that it wouldn't bother you if your wife got off on other men and needed to look at naked men, not you, but HOT, BUILT, WELL ENDOWED men in order to get her off.  Imagine that every night you and your wife have sex, she needs to turn to her fanasty to reach climax because baby, you just don't do it for her.  How would THAT make you feel? My fiance' is 280lbs, almost 60lbs overweight..... do I, or *would* I do that to him? How insulting....   never.   

  

Men need to grow up and realize that it's not all about them and "their needs".  If you were proforming better in bed, then maybe, just maybe your wife would give it to you a little more.  Hmmm..  guess all that porn that you're looking at hasn't paid off and hasn't done an ounce of good for either one of you.   

  

  

Quote From: notabadguy

I don't want to give it up. This has nothing to do with her and what she isn't giving me. I love my sex life with her. I love her. But I also really enjoy watching sex. It is good stuff. I am sorry if my words offend anyone here but I am being honest. She is super in bed with me. Good lover and sexy as hell.We are able to have sex several times a week when she isn't on her period. But I keep telling her, that I love her but I also don't want to give up the porn. I see that my view point is not going to be a popluar one. I think her self esteem problem goes far beyond my porn use.I don't understand why she is so hard on herself. She is a gorgeous lady. I am lucky guy to have her on my arm. A man just likes porn. That is all it is. How can a man like me keep his porn and keep his wife understanding that it is just something I like to do. Like golf. It's just fun. 

 

I don't think you're a "bad guy", I just think that it sounds like you're a little selfish and you put yourself before your wife.  Not a good thing.  But here's my 2 cents, for whatever it's worth:  

  

Your wife knows you look at porn and doens't like you doing it.  You tell her you aren't going to stop.  You're wife is beautiful and you guys have a great sex life.  But you aren't going to stop.  You GET OFF on looking at other woman, when you have a beautiful wife that would do antyhing for you. HOW in the world can someone be so niave in the sence that you WONDER where her self esteem problems have came from? Let me give you some insight.  When I walk into a place, I always have guys approaching me or trying to make eye contact with me.  I know that other guys find me attractive and desirable.  But when my man doesn't feel that I'm "good enough" or "enough to fullfill his sexual cravings"-- it messes with my head, as I'm sure it does your wife.   

  

Men don't realize that your actions effect us- A LOT.  It's not just innocent fun of you "fantasing" about other woman.  It's your actions that tear us down and make us feel like we're not good enough in your eyes.  Becasue if we were, why would you need that outlet? you can tell a woman 10 times over how beautiful she is and how sexy she is, but it's your actions that speak otherwise.  Beleive me, I know from expierence.  My fiance all the time says "You're hot" .. and tries to have sex every time I turn around.  Before the porn, I beleived he felt this way.  But now? Not a chance.  His actions have made me feel that I'll never be good enough in his eyes, or I'll never be able to live up to the expectations that he thinks is the perfect woman.  That's not good enough for me, and I'm sure it's not good enough for your wife.  Why should we have to sacrifice our self esteem for your patheic "need or desire" to get off on other woman? How, honestly, do you feel that is right?  

  

It goes back to what I always say:  You shoudln't have to feel that you *have* to give something up, to make a sacrifice for the well being of not only your wife, but your relationship.  You should *want* to give it up for how it makes her feel.  Nothing more, nothing less.  When you know someone truly loves you and they have your best interest at heart--  they do things like this for you.  It's not a big sacrifice to make if you truly do love her and if you actually care how this impacts her.  

  

I don't understand that with you guys.  When the woman you love is not only beautiful, but you have great sex with (I mean after all, that's the most important element in a guys world)-- why the hell would you want to crush her self esteem and continue doing what you're doing? Are you men that do this really that shallow and self consumed?  

  

Get over yourself and realize that what should be the most important factor here, isn't you having to give up porn-- it should be your wife and how she feels about it.  Obviously if it's making her question herself as a woman, as it does for many of us, then grow up and think of your wife.  If one woman isn't enough in your life- and that's what your actions are saying, loud and clear..  then give her the ability to go find true love and find a man who can give her all that she's worth having.  

  

If your porn use is hurting her- shouldn't that be ENOUGH for you to give it up?  That's the hard question that you have to ask yourself.  If it's not, then..  you may get a wake up call when you least expect it and the only sex that you'll continue having are those girls on the screen that you'll never have in reality.  Think about what's more important.  

  

  

  

  

  

I am beside myself over here.  You're telling a man who looks at porn that his wife doesn't approve of, to "HIDE IT BETTER?". I'm sorry, how completely wrong is this? THIS is the reason why my 8 year relationship and family is falling apart.  Deceite- have you ever heard of that word? Since when is it "okay" for a man to lie or hide things to his wife for his own self gradification?  

  

Just because you and your husband are okay with having sepearete porn use, doesn't mean that his wife should have to "think" everything is okay and not know about it.  

  

I was open with my fiance from the beginning and he was full y aware that my ex husband and I watched porn together as a couple.  He thought that was "weird" and when we did try it, we were both very uncomfortable with it. We were so sexual together and very into one another, where we (or *I*, shall I say).. never felt that we needed that extra element in our lives.  What hurt me beyond anything else, aside from the excessivness was the LIES.  That the fact he KNEW he was doing this behind my back, lieing and saying he had to work late to stay and look at it, to look at it at work and then come home on lunch break for me to "get him off".  It's the betrayal of trust that did it for me.  If he ever wanted to watch "couple" porn together, I would have been fine with that.  He never asked and he never for one made me think that he wasn't satisified with me as a woman. His actions however, with the excessive porn use, shown me otherwise.  

  

I'm sorry, but if your husband was hiding something from you that made you question yourself and your relationship (if they can lie about something like this, what else are they hidding?)-- then good for you.  To me, that's not love.  Marriage and love is about honesty.  Plain and simple.  

I read your post, and I understand now why you look at porn, but I still don’t think what you are doing is right.  Think about it for a second, your wife is beautiful, but you’re not sexually turned on by her stomach.  I’m assuming she’s had your children, this is why? So, you feel that because she has some imperfections, that that gives you a right to tear her self esteem down by looking at other woman, when she doesn’t want you to? I’m sorry, but are you this buff, die-hard body guy with muscles and a ripped belly? If not, then what in the world gives you the right to “have to seek out” other woman’s bodies because the one you’re with isn’t “good enough” to fillfill you?  That’s such a cope out and such a lame excuse.  

  

 

I LOVE ripped bellys on men.  I think it’s SUCH a huge turn on.  My fiancé on the other hand, is almost 60lbs over weight.  I give him, well, gave him..  as much sexual energy that I had.  When we make love, do I find my mind wandering about all those “hot, cut up stomachs” that I wish he looked like? No way--  you love a person for what’s on the inside, not what’s on the outside.  If you’re not attracted to your wifes belly, as I’m sure there are parts of you that she’s not so fond of, simply GET OVER IT.  No one is perfect, not even those porn photos that you’re looking at.  Sure, woman have beautiful bodies- esp. when they are teenagers.  But life happens. Pregnancy happens (I’m assuming this is the case with your wife?), and for a man to not accept a woman because of “flaws” and have to seek elsewhere for that visual stimulation is just wrong.   

  

 

I think the human body, esp. the female body, is a beautiful thing.  I think anyone will disagree with me here.  But what gives another person the right to tear down someone that they love for their own self gradification? If it didn’t’ hurt your wife, then that one would one thing.  But the fact that it does, is another and the main reason why you should think about what’s more important.   

  

 

Put it this way:  What if something that your wife did made you feel really low about yourself? Made you feel like you weren’t good enough in her eyes, or that she would so much rather be with someone else that can visually stimulate her better than you can?  What if you have asked her to stop, but she won’t, and she doesn’t put your feelings into consideration, because what she’s doing is obviously, more important to her than the way that you feel.  Honestly, think about this.  I think men don’t think enough about turning the tables.  Most men will say “Awh, I wouldn’t mind”- but lets get real.  You would mind, and it would eat you up inside, as it does almost every woman who has to go through this.  

  

 

I’m on my last rope right now with my fiancé because of this.  Mine goes a little deeper than yours, as mine hide it from me for 5 years and there is a lot of lies and deceite a long the way.  But, he’s addicted to woman. I don’t (think) he would ever cheat on me, but at this point in my life, I don’t put anything past him.  The problem that I have to contend with every day is that I’m not ever goingto measure up in his eyes.  I can’t have sex with him anymore because I *know* what he’s thinking about—and it surely isn’t me.  I can’t open my body up to him anymore, nor do I choose to do so.  It’s to painful.  For a woman who use to love sex as much as any guy, that is all gone for me.  Not saying that if things don’t work out, and they honestly are not looking like they will, but I’m sure if another man made me feel the way that I deserve to feel and made me feel like I have nothing to worry about- that no other woman is my competion, as it SHOULD be like in a loving relationship, then I’m sure I can go back to the way that I was.  But right now, it’s to painful.  I’m reminded of what he has done to not only me, but to us as a couple.  It’s selfish and it’s just not right.   

  

 

You say your not committing adultery because you’re not “cheating” on her.  Jeff, honestly, when you’re making love to her- are you not seeing these other woman in your head? You can’t honestly say that you don’t.  Why else would a man look at woman in that setting if you do not. That’s cheating on her in your mind.  No matter how you look at it, you are.  I don’t understand why men can’t pour all their sexual engery out on the woman that they love? There are SO many things to try out there and so many different avenues that couples can explore –together-.  I don’t understand this “need” of men to get off on other woman.  Why is this so important? When you said your vows, you KNEW what you were getting into.  If it’s such a big sacrifice to give up other woman, no matter what level that may be- in this case, porn—then you should have thought twice about getting married.  It’s okay for single men to look at porn.  I’m  not against it, I’m just against the fact that if it’s HURTING another person in the relationship, then it should NOT be done.   

  

 

I’m sorry that your wife doesn’t fulfill your dreams and desires and that she’s not “perfect” like the images you so very much need.  I’m sorry that she’s not enough for  you that you have to pull that element into your relationship in order to “get off”.  It’s sad.  I feel sorry for her, like I feel sorry for all the other woman out there with men that don’t give a damn about them.  They say the words “I love you” and “ I do care about you”- but if you did actually care about her, you would respect her wishes.  It’s  not a big thing to ask Jeff.  Your wife doesn’t want you looking at naked woman.  Big deal- devoir her body and make her feel sexy, like she should.  Faults and all.  She accepts you for who you are and she doesn’t need to seek out other naked men--  you should be able to do the same.  

I don't think anything is wrong with the way her and her husband do things.  I do think it's wrong for someone to offer advice to "hide it from her".  Do you really think this is good advice when building a strong, healthy relationship? I sure don't.  Whether I've been screwed over or not.   

  

Honestly goes a LONG way and trust is one of the main key components in a relationship.  Once that is gone, and take it from someone who knows- once you start "hiding" things from one another, the lies will start to follow.  Once that trust is gone, you don't have anything else to build on.  It's hard.  

  

I disagreed with her in offering the advice of Jeff "hiding" it from his wife. At least he's been honest with her through all of this, that is one thing that I do respect him for.  I think aside from doing things like this when the other spouse is being hurt and effected by it, I truly beleive (and know) that it's the lack of trust that comes from "hiding" it that will do more damage than the actual porn itself.  

Did you say that there was a man's board that talks about this issue? I would love to check it out and *try* to understand the mans perception.  I've looked everywhere- can you help? 

  

Thanks hon :)