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Messages By: groovy
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January 28, 2006, 9:17 pm PST
 Quote From: paquita I'm sure that you have watched the show enough to realize the keyword for most people is "ownership". When are people going to take ownership for their own short-comings, mistakes, etc. It is not the fault of the credit card company. You said yourself that you knew what you were doing at the time, but now that its gotten way out of hand, its no longer your fault? Please! Everyone makes mistakes, it's what helps us grow and learn (if we choose to learn and accept that we are the ones who made the mistake.) There are others who have responded and noted that someone was very ill and it wiped them out financially, etc. That is a completely different story. Sometimes those things can't be helped. But for the majority of the bankrupt people in this country...it is simply irresponsibility. Take ownership of your life..and quit blaming the world and thinking everyone owes you something. Including the credit card companies..be smart enough to say...no thank you or I don't need that, once in a while. Good luck hammer44. I pay off my credit cards in full each month and I agree with Hammer44 that credit card companies have sleazy, predatory lending practices. I don't get that she's blaming the credit card companies for her debt. Frontline did an excellent program on the sleazy, predatory lending practices of credit card companies: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/credit/ |
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January 29, 2006, 2:47 pm PST
Quote From: dlynn_pa To also ignore facts is wrong as well. I am happy that she is trying to help people but to out and out be ignorant is something else. Men are abused physically and emotionally by plenty of women. That is a fact. To inflict hate towards someone because of their sex is wrong. I am sorry she was abused but not all men abuse and they should not be punished for it. The fact is that it is wrong for anyone to treat another human being in that manner. I would not go as far to compare Lemondrop to Rosa Parks either. Unlike Lemondrop, Rosa wanted equality. I hope Lemondrop comes back on this board to defend herself. I have read just about all the books (some of which I have reviewed on Amazon.com under the name "groovy vegan") & a lot of the material on the websites she recommends. I also have a degree in psychology. I think her assessment of physical, emotional & verbal abuse is FAR more accurate than the website you cited. That website claims that over 90% of the time, when a woman accuses a man of abuse, she's lying. It also claims that the majority of accusations of physical abuse by married women are to cover up her cheating. That website is so far off from reality, it's ridiculous & sickening. No one is saying that "all men abuse" or that "all men should be punished for it". If anyone's inflicting hate toward someone toward their sex, it's that website you cited which basically deems most women who report abuse as being liars. |
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January 29, 2006, 3:13 pm PST
Quote From: layinnsun I was having an alright day until I watched this particular show....then I was upset all over again. This was just like watching my own family situation. I thought about writing to Dr. Phil, but I'd have to write a book! lol
Several years ago, I was this lady...spending money we really didn't have...but I was depressed and that was my medication. My husband of a few years (at the time), was going out to the strip bars all the time...straight from work, no phone call....nothing. He would come in whenever he felt like it. He was drinking and smoking pot as well...I was at home with a 3 yr old and a new baby. I also worked a full time job. I was expected to also clean the house by myself. It was okay for him to give these strippers 200.00-300.00, but not for me to spend a little extra on myself and the kids....we sometimes didn't have the money for the diapers, etc. My parents helped to support us...buying food, diapers, clothes, etc. I was blamed for spending all of the income tax check, even though I used it to pay bills that we were behind on. Never mind the daycare! I finally realized one day, that shopping was only a band-aid for my emotional pain. After working for 9 1/2 yrs, I quit working, because I could stay at home with the kids and be broke, instead of working my butt off and still being broke. We are buying a house now, and we have 3 children now...15, 12, 8... I stayed home for 8 years. Things get better, but then they go downhill again. We've been together for 22 yrs...9 dating, 13 married. About 2 yrs ago, he started hanging out with "Toad", as I call him...you know, only frogs can be princes! lol Anyway, they'd stay out all night, while I again would be at home with the 3 kids. Well, he and his pet toad decided to start pushing me to go to work. So I found a job at "night"...so he'd have to stay at home with the kids, and stay out of the bars! I just recently quit this job, because my boss jumped my case when I came in "off the clock"...right in front of customers and other employees...anyway, so I am now unemployed again...and I know that I'm going to hear about it "all" soon from my husband. Well anyway, a few other things that has happened to cause me emotional pain from my husband...He yells at me all the time...he yells at the kids--really for no reason...even uses the "F" word to them. I've asked him not to do so, but then he and I get in an arguement that really has nothing to do with the current problem. Every time we get into an arguement, he puts the blame for everything wrong on me....He came in one night after being out, and tried to be "frisky" with me and I told him to get his drunk ass away from me. He got mad and started an arguement about the house! Then proceeded to break anything he could, by kicking them, and throwing them. Then he passed out in the floor of the bathroom!...So I took photos of all of it, and him! (just in case) And I know ya'll are probably thinking that I don't like to have sex with my husband, but I've usually been the one to initiate it in our relationship, because it's great. So no, this was not a "reason" for my husband to be in the strip bars! I've never been frigid. The second and last time he decided to break something...he again, came in after being out all night, and I being tired of this proceeded to let him know about it...which made him mad and he left...as he shut the door, I locked it...so he turned around and kicked it in. I called the cops this time, but they couldn't do anything, because it's his house too...and he can do whatever he wants to it. He's never hit me or the kids...which I am surprised about...he came from an abusive family...along with the alcohol and pot. Like I said, everything is my fault all the time..because of the mess in the house...I've done the best I can by myself to keep it all clean, but it's never good enough...and I have no help, although the kids do help out sometimes...when they are told over and over again! He told me that if I went back to work he would help out around the house, but he never did....we have things around the house that need to be fixed, but he's too lazy to fix them, and always uses the excuse, that the house is a mess....UGH!!! If I call my father to fix them, then he gripes about that! When the bills are behind, or we're broke, it's because I haven't cleaned the house! WHAT A JACKASS!!!.....Like I said before, I'd rather live with a 4 legged jackass than a 2 legged one...at least I know what kind of "crap" to expect from a 2 legged one!....okay, my book has been started....I apologize....so much more to write.....thanks for your time! toward physical abuse. When guys start breaking things, your bones are often next.
Even if you don't consider leaving for YOU, think of that his verbal & emotional abuse is doing to your kids & their self esteem. Do you think they'll survive childhood unscathed from this & able to create & sustain healthy relationships with healthy partners? Think again.
Sure he's a jackass, but YOU are choosing to stay with him & subject your children to this. |
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January 30, 2006, 12:03 pm PST
Quote From: dlynn_pa Why is it so hard to believe that women would lie about being abused? How do you know that it is far from the truth? What does Lemondrop have to defend herself against? Is she going to find me and beat me up because I don't agree with her? Have you read some of these websites really? Aren't they all gender biased? I have gone over a lot of women's websites that appear to want to cut off men's genitalia! How many of them mention both genders suffering from abuse? Does she read anything that involves abuse of men? If you read her posts to me, sure sounds like she is saying that no men are abused and it's only women and the men won't come clean about it because all they know how to do is lie! I know a lot of women that DO lie about being abused. A LOT OF THEM! All they want is revenge because the men in their lives want nothing more to do with them. Ever go to a child support/custody hearing, there is a fine example of how women lie about abuse to get what they want. It is all a shame, it is. Don't get me wrong, I want everyone to be truthful too. That isn't going to happen. As soon as a woman plays meek little me, the cops jump all over the man and assume she is telling the truth, that is my problem with it. When it is proven that the woman is a psycho, nothing happens to her. She can just go on her merry little way while the man's rep is soiled, sometimes beyond repair. You say that you have a degree is psychology, well then you know that I am telling you the truth. It's really common sense. There really isn't that much help for men in these situations because it is embarrassing to the men. They are suppose to be the strong ones and then a meek little woman is going to beat him? Have you seen the Dr. Phil where the man's wife was beating him with a vodka bottle, hitting him in the temple with it? Or when she was kicking him when he was passed out? I would be a drunk too if I was married to that. Fact is, and it can't be denied, that men are abused! I don't care who doesn't want to hear it. IT IS A FACT!!!!!! Do you suppose that men tell the truth more often than women? That in 80% of "he said/she saids" the man is telling the truth but the woman is lying? That's what the website you state is saying.
Abuse against women is FAR more common than women who falsely accuse men of abusing them. Physical, verbal & emotional abuse by men against women is exceptionally common. Physical, verbal & emotional abuse by women against men, does occur, but is far less common. When it does occur, it is far easier for the man to get out of the relationship, b/c there are fewer relationships where he is financially dependent on her, & fewer incidencies where a woman will try to physically intimidate a man out of leaving. Nor are men often in situations where their pastor is telling them to be submissive to their wives & to do whatever she says. Data that's a lot more reliable than the data you cited found that false accusations against husands & fathers is about 2%, not the 80+ % of the data you cite. http://members.aol.com/asherah/falsealleg.html Let's hope that if you report you're a victim of a crime, the police take you seriously & not assume you're among the supposed 80% of women who are liars.
I hope Lemondrop shows up to defend herself not b/c you happen to disagree with her, but b/c of the ad hominen attacks you make: man hater, etc. No one said women are meek either. |
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January 30, 2006, 12:36 pm PST
Quote From: dlynn_pa Why is it so hard to believe that women would lie about being abused? How do you know that it is far from the truth? What does Lemondrop have to defend herself against? Is she going to find me and beat me up because I don't agree with her? Have you read some of these websites really? Aren't they all gender biased? I have gone over a lot of women's websites that appear to want to cut off men's genitalia! How many of them mention both genders suffering from abuse? Does she read anything that involves abuse of men? If you read her posts to me, sure sounds like she is saying that no men are abused and it's only women and the men won't come clean about it because all they know how to do is lie! I know a lot of women that DO lie about being abused. A LOT OF THEM! All they want is revenge because the men in their lives want nothing more to do with them. Ever go to a child support/custody hearing, there is a fine example of how women lie about abuse to get what they want. It is all a shame, it is. Don't get me wrong, I want everyone to be truthful too. That isn't going to happen. As soon as a woman plays meek little me, the cops jump all over the man and assume she is telling the truth, that is my problem with it. When it is proven that the woman is a psycho, nothing happens to her. She can just go on her merry little way while the man's rep is soiled, sometimes beyond repair. You say that you have a degree is psychology, well then you know that I am telling you the truth. It's really common sense. There really isn't that much help for men in these situations because it is embarrassing to the men. They are suppose to be the strong ones and then a meek little woman is going to beat him? Have you seen the Dr. Phil where the man's wife was beating him with a vodka bottle, hitting him in the temple with it? Or when she was kicking him when he was passed out? I would be a drunk too if I was married to that. Fact is, and it can't be denied, that men are abused! I don't care who doesn't want to hear it. IT IS A FACT!!!!!! Too bad no one took Crystal Brame seriously when she reported that her husband was physically, verbally & emotionally abusive. Afterall, her husband was the Chief of Police & the chief of police would never lie or abuse anyone, right? He murdered her in a parking lot, right in front of their children. http://www.oprah.com/tows/slide/200310/20031016/tows_slide_20031016_08.jhtml http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/121447_crystal10.html?searchpagefrom=11&searchdiff=596 The website you cite would have dismissed her as being in part of the 80% of women who supposedly falsely accuse their husbands.
Your portrayal of women as liars & psycho-bitches does not contribute to a climate where women whose lives are in danger are taken seriously, helped, & their abusers held accountable. How many more women have to die before we wake up & take this problem seriously? And sure, you can find a handful of stories where wives have murdered their husbands (often after many years of severe abuse), but it's far more common for husbands to murder their wives. |
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January 30, 2006, 1:16 pm PST
Quote From: trashed I just found out for sure last night my husband of almost 10 years is having an affair, We have four precious boys. He brought her to my house at a new years eve party and he was caught by a friend making out with his co-worker in my laundry room!! I asked him then he seemed to have NO memory claiming he must have been drunk! Since then he has not had anything but cold advances to me. He wont even hug me. He refused to take me to diner to talk. Then five days ago he "suddenly" says "I'm not happy and I'm getting my own apartment". It was a shock since he kept denying any involvement. I feel so devestated that I dont know where to turn. My boys are real upset. He says he has to find himself (he's forty) So I'm asking what do I do? Do I wait for him while he sleeps around to find himself. He says if I don't give him space, he'll leave anyway. I will pretty much loose everyting when he leaves. We are strapped at the moment. I'm sooo lost, I really love him, but I know I'm just being a fool. He's thinking with his "little Head" not the big one.!!!! Please help. Pretend you're an outsider like me reading your post & that you have no love attachment to the guy what-so-ever. Bottom line is he's cheating on you, is lying to you about it, is not contrite about this, won't respect your feelings enough to even talk about it, is emotionally cold to you & now is preparing to move out. And don't be fooled just b/c he never threw a punch--this IS serious emotional abuse. He's not entitled to have an affair or to lie to you As Dr. Phil says, "you can't fix it if you don't own it" & he's not even owning up to cheating & lying. The proper response to him is, "Good riddance & don't let the door hit you in the face on the way out!" And besides, he has already left you. All that's left is the shell of a body that used to be your husband. THIS is the way he really is, not the nice facade he put up when he was dating you. All abusive husbands come across as nice guys in the beginning.
And BTW, he's telling you a bunch of lies: 1. He was drunk during the laundry room incident & doesn't remember it. Complete B.S.--it's his way of not having to talk about it. And let's say this is true. Well in that case he's an alcoholic who experiences black outs & needs rehab. Also a bad situation.
2. He needs to "find himself"??? B.S. He wants a place where he can be intimate with the other woman that's more comfortable than a laundry room.
3. His denial of the affair.
Please don't believe his lies. And please love yourself first by not being in a marriage with anyone who would dare treat you like this. Staying with a man who is cheating on you is implicitly giving your okay about this. Only give him another chance if he comes clean, appears very contrite & sorry, quits the affair, tells her in your presence he's ending it, switches jobs to a workplace where he has no contact with her, tells you where he is at all times, allows you to check all cell phone calls & credit card purchases, etc. But you are no where even NEAR a situation where you can give him a second chance.
Document everything he does. And if you're a SAHM, be sure to get enough child support (& alimony if applicable to your situation) so you don't have to be dirt poor. But even if you do end up being financially strapped for a while, it's better to be low income & without him. (No, he will not magically revert to the nice guy he was in the beginning, so don't waste your time waiting around for that.) And besides, he probably does come up with the money for taking HER out to dinner & motels, etc. You can take comfort in knowing that "if he does it with you, he'll do it TO you." Thus the other woman is not gaining a partner she can trust, nor is your husband gaining a trustworthy partner. |
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January 30, 2006, 1:23 pm PST
Quote From: mairamom Hi! I would like to tell you that if you want to save your marriage you should go to Marriage Builders website. A lot of people that are going through the same thing you are will help you and understand everything you are feeling. In the meantime do not let him move out, tell him that his kids are going to be very hurt and that you love him and want to work and make a better marriage. Take care of your house, your kids and yourself. Make yourself look pretty and try to meet his needs that the other women is meeting. Don't beg him make yourself strong even if you don't feel it. Tell him that you would like for him to stop talking to the other women and would like to work on your marriage together. Tell him how much he is hurting you but don't let him see you like you can not go on without him. HE is not meeting HER needs. He went outside the marriage to have his needs met. The onus is not on the wife to "look pretty" & meet her husbands needs. If he wasn't getting his needs met, then he should have sat down & discussed this with his wife & possibly arranged counselling, instead of cheating. The husband lies to her, cheats on her, is not contrite, is emotionally cold & won't even meet her need to discuss the cheating. By the way he is acting, he has already left the marriage & is treating his wife the way no spouse deserves to be treated. Good riddance! |
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January 30, 2006, 2:46 pm PST
Quote From: rharris Well, after numerous affairs. I finally filed for divorce and he could be getting it soon. For the last eight years he has cheated and lead double lives. This past 1 1/2 year he has lived in Nevada saying he was either divorce or getting one with women and doing it for their money or sex. My son has even visited him and he told him not to tell me. He finally told me that he was living with her and it was his boss...she fired him after finding out all his lies etc. He was using her for her soon to be money (lots) coming to her. I talked with her and its all lies on both sides. I just can't do this and its taken me 8 years to divorce him. I keep questing me as if I'm doing right by this. I have taken him back so many times and I'm not his mother...and I have just had it. I don't know how he is going to react but I really shouldn't care. I'm just through with all the women. I have made my first Dr. Phil move and made a step to a new ME. Just thought I would post this...Hopefully will have a better future...it will be hard as he has in the past made lots of threats etc. But I can't live my life in fear of him. RH Here's a guy who has numerous affairs & uses people for money. NOT a nice guy! So you are absolutely doing the right thing to divorce him. And you must keep yourself & your children safe all the while. Whatever kinds of threats he's making--I would take very seriously & take precautions, whether they are of physical harm, taking the kids away, taking you to the cleaners financially, etc. If he has ever showed signs that he's capable of physical violence, I would not hesitate to get a restraining order & if necessary, move without letting him know where you are. (Even if he lives 2000 miles away.) I would discuss the specifics of your situation with with an attorney well-versed in dealing with these kinds of threats, as well as with a counselor who deals with this, and groups that help abused women. Seems like he has quite the sense of entitlement--he can do whatever the hell he wants but you are not entitled to divorce him. |
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January 30, 2006, 3:02 pm PST
Quote From: karen24411 I am 47 years old. I have been lving with a man for 2 year, dating for 3. I have found myself taking care of everything in this relationship. From driving him to work, to all the household duties, plus working full time. He has worked sporatically during this time. Then a couple of weeks ago he called me at work and said he needed a ride home, he had been fired. I stewed on this for a few days and then exploded. I am normally a very kind and giving person. I swear felt that I broke and asked him to move out, that I could not take it any more. I said I needed to fix myself and he needed to fix himself. He refuses to leave. I have been called nasty names and have remained calm and cool. I dont think he has any where to go but I need to have him leave. I have only my name on my lease and am thinking that the police will have to be involved to remove him. You want this deadbeat to leave & only your name is on the lease. As I see it you have 3 choices: Give him a deadline for moving, at which point you will remove all his stuff from the premises, have the police forceably remove him, or move, even if you have to break your lease to a location unknown to him. Your 3rd option might be your best bet, even if you have to put all your stuff in storage & move in with a friend or relative or to a hotel while you look for a new place. It's best to NOT have him know where you live. There are folks who will help you do quick, emergency moves. Would be nice if you could get a friend to distract him with an all day activity: Superbowl party or bike ride or something, so you could move without his knowing.
In any of these cases, you may need to get a restraining order & if you stay in your residence, you would need to change the locks.He sounds like a very immature man & the action you take will depend on how likely he is to retaliate. For example, you could give him the deadline, & you could come home from work to find your valuables missing. If you think he's likely to retaliate or be physically violent, I would call the non-emergency number of the police department & discuss your situation with them. |
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January 30, 2006, 3:14 pm PST
Quote From: okimom I too have a controlling husband. We fight and call eachother names like the guest on today's show. I don't feel like being intimate with him anymore and I've told him when he doesn't talk to me and treat me 1/2 decesnt during the day, how could he expect to have sex later? I don't really have anyone to talk to so I write in a journal. Over the years (18 years now and two wonderful kids later) I've had to hide stuff from him and he finds them. My journals, money, bank account. He doesn't seem to have any remorse for anything he does. He had an "emotional" affair a couple of years ago and still denies it even when he was caught, the woman confessed infront of us. It didn't become sexual only because it was found out before it got to that. The last straw was just minutes ago. He took a page out of my newest journal (have to continue to change so he doesn't go through them) and I told him I wanted it back. He said he would give it to me when he went upstairs, then he said he'd give it to me in a minute when he got up cuz he was laying down for a minute. I said no, I wanted it back now and he said I wasn't getting it back until he was ready to get it. A few minutes later he came downstairs to leave for the store and I told him to give me the paper now and he said I have it here in my hand and walked out the door. I followed him out and kept saying give me the paper now. He laughed and walked around the car and said I will in a minute, go inside and I'll bring it to you in a minute. I said no, are you taking it to make a copy? what is wrong with you? why won't you give it me? when I wouldn't go inside and wait til he was ready, he said I had a problem and he wasn't going to give it to me now and drove off. WHAT THE HELL??? It wasn't for anyone else to read let alone take and play games with. He has made copies of my journal pages in the past, tape recorded fights, video taped .... what is wrong with him? Wish I wasn't trapped in this terribly controlling marriage. I hate him. I hate me. I feel sorry for my kids. He acts like you're his property & completely disregards your feelings. But meanwhile, he is "entitled" (in his mind) to have an affair. You know you need to get out! What's holding you back? Whether it's financial, acquiring job skills, etc, you can be working on your plan NOW to get out. |
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