Messages By: caydensmom

 You sound like a great person, who wants the best for her kids.  As such, I hope you will read and seriously consider what I am about to say.

I "am" adopted.  I "was" adopted, and I still am.  Being adopted is a part of me, just as it is a part of every adoptee.  No amount of love can ever change that.

There is a HUGE difference between an adopted child and a biological child, and successful adoptive parents are the ones who realize, acknowledge, and accept this difference.  There is also a difference between LOVING your children the same, and TREATING them the same.

Your adopted daughter suffered a loss.  She may not remember it, but it still exists.  I was almost 3 months old when I was adopted, so I have no memory.  But, I was a very sensitive child (I still am very sensitive), and despite the incredible bond I had with my mom, I was often very nervous and insecure.  My mom is somewhat of an expert on adoption (due to her seeking out as much information on adoption and adoption loss as she could find), and she always understood this loss.  As a result, she was able to help me to deal with my loss, and helped me to become a healthy child and adult.

It's true that any child can rebel, but adoptive parents often unknowingly push their child away because the child feels like an outsider, like they don't belong, or like they can't talk to their parents about their true feelings.  Adoptees are told to be grateful and forget their natural families, so when they feel differently, it's very difficult for them to express these feelings.  They often end up acting out instead, or they become withdrawn and depressed.  Some are able to put up a front and can seem quite content, but deep inside is a turmoil that can explode years down the road.

I must know over a hundred adoptees, in real life and on the internet, and only a small handful of them don't want to find their natural families.  I would say less than 5%.  Whether or not they would tell their adoptive parents this is a whole other issue.  There is so much guilt involved in searching.  I know many adoptees who have waited until their adoptive parents have passed away before searching, even though they have wanted to search since they were children.  It's so sad!

My mom always understood my desire to meet my natural family, and encouraged me to search.  She has been very involved in my reunion, and is considered a part of my natural family, just as my natural family is a part of hers.  This has allowed me to express my feelings, and remain close with her as I discover my natural family as well.

I would say this to anyone wanting to adopt 1) adoption is not a cure for infertility; it's a way to provide a child with a home when they don't have one to go to   2) it's natural for an adoptee to want to be reunited with their natural family, and this should be encouraged and supported   3) an adopted child is NOT the same as a biological child; they can be LOVED the same, but should not be TREATED the same, because they have suffered a loss and have unique issues.

I hope you will consider this, for the sake of your daughter and your relationship with her.

 As a child, I found spanking to be humiliating, frightening, and disrespectful, but it was done incorrectly in my house.

I would ONLY spank my son if it was a safety issue, and it would be ONE spank on the bottom.  I would then explain to him what he had done that was so dangerous, and that I spanked him because I wanted to make sure that he would remember not to do it again.

I think spanking for any other reason is wrong.

 I guess since I was never spanked in the correct context, and it was so horrible for me, I can't imagine how it might feel if it WAS done correctly.  That's why I'd have a very hard time spanking my son.  I can't imagine him feeling anything other than humiliation, fear, and disrespect from it, because that's all I felt.  It certainly does make more sense than having your child spend an hour going in and out of time-out.  I'd like to be comfortable using a spank in the correct setting, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to.

 I had a very long birth experience, but it was well worth it!

My son was due on July 9th.  When he hadn't come on the 15th, and I was not even starting to dilate, my OB told me to check into the hospital on July 19th.  I did so around 4 PM, and by 9 PM, I had Cervidel inserted to try to help me dilate.  My contractions got strong enough that I could no longer sleep through them, and they were coming about every 5 minutes.  By 9 PM on the 20th, I had only dilated to about 2 cm, so at 1:30 AM on the 21st, I was taken to L&D, where they inserted a Foley catheter, to force my cervix open.  About an hour and a half later, I had dilated to 3 cm, and was told that the next day, when a labour room was available, I would be induced.

At 2:30 PM on the 21st, my water was broken, and my contractions got even more intense, and were coming about every 4 minutes.  At 7:30 PM, I was put on oxytocin, as well as IV fluids and antibiotics, because I had a fever and my blood pressure was up.

At 2:30 AM, I had an epidural.  When they checked me around 5:30 AM, I was still only about 4 cm dilated, and there was talk of a c-section, because my son's heart rate kept dropping.  But, when another OB came down about 45 minutes later and checked me, I was 8-9 cm!

Finally, at 6:15 AM on July 22, I began to push.  For the first hour, nothing happened, and again, they started talking about a c-section.  On the next push, his head finally started to move down.  They decided to use a vacuum to help him come out, since he was very stressed (there had been a LOT of meconium in the fluid).  At 7:46 AM, he was born, weighing 8lbs. 11oz. and measuring 22" long.  His head was huge, at 14.5 " around.  I think it's close to a miracle that I had absolutely no tears nor episotomy!!

Today, my son is 4 months and 3 days old, and is the light of my life.  I know they say you forget the pain of childbirth, but I definitely haven't.  But, I don't mind, because I'd do it all over again.

 I hope you are successful in your searches.

If you go to a search engine and type in "adoption registry", or "adoption search", you should be able to find some free sites that you can search on.  The more information you have, the easier your search will be.

My natural mother decided to search for me on the spur of the moment, and found me on the first site she looked on!  She tried another one, just to be sure, and found me there, too!  I think I registered on 5 sites, completely for free.

Good luck to all three of you, and best wishes.

 Why wait?  I think it really depends on the situation, but often contact with natural parents can really help an adopted child to resolve their adoption issues.

I would have loved to meet my natural parents earlier.  My mom tried to keep in contact with my natural father, but the adoption agency wouldn't facilitate it.

 Can you speak to the child's pediatrician?  Perhaps they can recommend a therapist...

 This must be so scary for you!  Fortunately, there are resources available to help you.  I'm assuming you are in the USA.  Try www.keepyourbaby.com for help.  Also, if you go to MSN and look in the "groups" section, you will find several adoption groups, many of which have member who will be more than happy to help you out.

Remember, you have the RIGHT to get government services to help you keep your baby.  If you have the maturity and the will to take care of your baby, it can definitely be done.  It won't be easy, at least not for a few years, but there is help out there if you are willing to look for it.

Look in your phone book to see if there are any crisis pregnancy services in your area.  Even if they can't help you, they should be able to direct you to somewhere that can.

Don't let anybody tell you that you can't do this, if you truly believe that you can.  Be honest with yourself.  If you think that you have the capacity to love and care for this child, and be responsible for providing all of his/her needs, then go for it.  If you feel that you will not be able to provide a loving, safe home, then look at adoption.  It can be great when the circumstances require it.

Best of luck to you, your boyfriend, and your unborn child.

 I doubt your son is seriously thinking about suicide, but obviously he is unhappy about his relationship with his sister.  I would suggest sitting down with both of them, and attempting to do some mediation at home.  If it doesn't work, then seeing a counsellor is not a bad idea.  If I were you, I would also have a one-on-one conversation about his comment about dying, and tell him that you were very worried about what he said, because he sounded very sad, and you would be very sad if he died.  Most likely, he will admit that he doesn't really want to die.

Good luck!

 Wow, I don't envy you at all!  Being a single mom of 1 is hard enough!

This may be a long shot, but maybe you could talk to someone in financial aid at your school?  They may have access to programs that could offer you more financial assistance.  There's got to be something someone can do to help you!

Also, maybe someone who works with the families of alcoholics might have some advice, as you are certainly not the first mother who's had to take her kids out of the house because of alcoholism.