Messages By: lyninsocal

Quote From: spcialt

Part of me has to reserve judgment because a LOT of what the daughters may be going through may have to do with how their parent’s marriage played itself out. But, from today’s show the only things I can tell is that: 

  

  

For 30+ years the family existed happily – if only from the POV of the three daughters.  As far as they were concerned they had a loving, close family and that their parent’s marriage was secure.

 

 

  

Then in year 30+1day, Dad Pat decides to leave the marriage. But he’s not only leaving…he’s also leaving…bringing Penny into the mix…AND getting an annulment instead of a divorce.

 

 

  

So from his daughter’s POV,  “I’m going to cut you with this knife, then I’m going to stick it in and JUST because I can…and then twist it a few times for good measure!  Why aren’t you doing backflips of happiness for me????”

 

 

  

It’s incredibly callous of a person to raise his children within the tenets of a faith, and then not understand how those same tenets (or in some ways the violation of them) can have huge repercussions. For instance, his seeking the annulment so that he can marry this new woman while knowing that an annulment carries with it huge meaning for the family HE raised to be good Catholics.

 

 

  

But it’s his daughters who are wrong and need to step up / set aside their hurt / be the bigger persons…and my personal favorite “grow up”? 

 

 

  

Dr. Phil seriously missed the boat on this one. 

  

 

  

I’m Catholic, raised in the church and did my 12 years of Catholic school. I understand the mechanics of annulment.  But ending a marriage in this way has repercussions.  A big part of marriage (and family) is emotions and therefore serious emotions come into play when you choose to make THIS PARTICULAR statement about the 30 years you’ve put into said marriage. 

  

 

  

SO WHAT that it’s “not really what you think it means when you think of annulment”?  It still feels like a slap, and a cancellation or denial of this life YOU decided to devote 30 years to.  A life that was the basis of the children you decided to create.  If it was that easy to negate, why put in 30 years? Why create three children?  If it meant nothing – so much so that an annulment can be granted – then what did any of it mean? What did your children’s lives mean?

  

 

  

When a person annuls the union that created a child’s (even an adult child’s) life he or she is in fact negating one of the cores of that same life. Their family.  That’s huge. Especially if those children seriously had no clue of anything wrong within their parent’s marriage.  And IMO Pat and Penny with their “it’s not about them” mindset are wrong and incredibly insensitive. And tack on selfish there too. They do not deserve the relationships they claim to desire with Pat’s daughters. 

  

 

  

And another thing. Looking at the timeline shared on the show.  My apologies, but things just simply don’t mesh.  Why would someone go through ALL of that effort – the huge and detailed process of securing an annulment (way more than a “simple, common” divorce) – for someone they supposedly met after the marriage “ended”? And if you’re truly Catholic, devoted to your faith to the point where you feel you have to go to these lengths then how did Penny get to be so important so quickly? The hypocrisy is staggering. I’m a good Catholic so I HAVE to annul this marriage before I can marry her, but nevermind that my faith and devotion to Catholicism doesn’t come into play in regards to the details of how this woman came into my life or that the fact that adultery is wrong.  Wrong according to Catholicism…which I claim to be...But that’s just a minor detail we won’t speak of!

  

 

  

Since the details weren’t shared on the show, I will admit to not knowing the full story. But it doesn’t make sense to me. The whole situation smells wrong and I hope someone can post to clear it up.

  

 

  

I for one am sick and tired of hearing how the children in situations like this are supposed to just suck it up and accept.  No matter how young or old the kids are, they’re required to never judge, to always smile and nod, stand up at the wedding, and bend over backwards to adjust their holiday schedules to accommodate the decisions of their parents – basically do whatever it takes to make sure that THEY maintain their place in their parent’s lives.

  

 

  

And how incredibly sad is that?  Whether they’re 3, 23, or 53 – they’re still their parent’s child and should feel a level of security in their relationship. 

  

 

  

It should not require this level of work and forgiveness and angst and swallowing emotion to preserve a child’s position in their parent’s life.  If you love your child, then love them enough to accept that they’re hurting and, more importantly love them enough to NOT add to that pain and when you do, be sensitive and put forth a true and sincere effort to make it better.

  

 

  

Dr. Phil playing the “What if he dies tomorrow?” card is low in my opinion.  Yes, Pat could get hit by a bus tomorrow. And so could his daughters. But only the daughters are required to swallow their feelings in order to smooth things over?  They’re the only ones who’re supposed to put out the effort?

  

 

  

Pat decided to end his marriage. He decided to do so in a manner that caused unnecessary pain to his children.  But it’s his children that are supposed to make the effort to fix things?

  

 

  

Wow. 

  

 

  

I don’t like the message conveyed in this episode. I have a lot of respect for Dr. Phil. But I guess everyone is entitled to drop the ball now and again.

  

 

  

To Mynde and her sisters – you’re not alone in your feelings.  And you’re not wrong in them either.  Do what you have to do to cope.  My thoughts are with you.

  

 

Quote From: amanda1773

I was with my mother-in law today and when I looked at her finger, I noticed she had a ring on just like my engagement ring. I didn't want to stare and be obvious, so I blew it off. When I was able to talk to my husband alone, he told me that my mother in-law had loved my ring so much she had her's reset in the identical setting. My ring is very unique and my husband and I hoped the jeweler wouldn't sell it to anyone else because we wanted it to be special.  Of course we are realistic and knew others would have it, but  not my own mother in-law!! My husband has known about this for awhile and was upset at first, but over time had forgotten about it.  He never said anything to me because he knew it would upset me. I don't know if I am overreacting or should feel as upset as I do. My engagement ring will always be special to me no matter what, but I just find it odd that my mother in-law would buy the same one. I would appreciate any advice on this matter. 

  Thanks. 

Quote From: bjkochen

Dear Dr. Phil,
This is all about mother, daughter communication breakdown.  We went from a most incredible relationship of love and friendship to a thick wall between us.  It seems to have happened after she married.  Karen  is a beautiful girl, has a great husband, who is a trememdous father and good provider.  Karen and Jeff have 2 girls, my grandaughters, ages 10 and 12.  We live about 20 minutes away and most of Jeff's family also live in the area. 
Problem:  I0 days ago I made arrangements to pick the girls up on this past Saturday AM, spend the day, go see a play and bring them home after breakfast on Sunday morning.  As it turns out, Hailey, the youngest had a previously planned B-day party that Karen had overlooked.  Understandably, with busy schedules, so it was decided it was going to be one on one time with Lauren, age 12 and me.   On Friday, I received a call from Karen that said, "Lauren received an invitation to a b-day party a couple of weeks ago and she said,  she didn't like the girl and didn't want to go. Now she has found out that some of her friends are going, so now she wants to go to the party instead of coming with you.   You will be getting a call from Lauren and she is going to try to talk you into letting her go.  Stand your ground and don't give in.  Jeff and I have both told her "no"!  She has been told that she was to call you 3 days ago, and she put if off and didn't do as she was asked. "  I agreed, thinking that I would just be supporting their decision.
The phone call came from Lauren and I firmly told her I would pick her up at 11AM on Saturday morning.  Little did I know, she had been told, by her mother,  "that's between you and your Gramma". (meaning going to the party or coming with me)  Well...that gave Lauren an open door and I was in the middle, and she wasn't going to give up.  It is not fair to me and is not my job as a Gramma, to discipline and enforce.  I called to let Karen know that I did not want to be put in that position, and that it literally made me sick .  That is not the kind of relationship that Lauren and I have and I had not been part of her lack of follow through.   I was told in no uncertain terms that I had been  warned...etc..etc.. and exactly why she warned me, is so that she wouldn't be having  this conversation with me.  I was then given my instructions that I am  to make plans directly with the girls and Karen is not going to mediate my relationship with them.  I was told that the kids aren't in diapers anymore,  don't have diaper bags and Karen doesn't have to pack them, they both have cell phones and I have to make my arrangements with them, she doesn't want to be involved.  Then Karen yelled at Lauren to come and talk to "her grandmother" on the phone, because she was tired of being yelled at by me over the situation.
Well, Lauren did not come to spend the day, we didn't go to the play and she didn't spend the night.  She did not go to the party, but she was allowed to have a friend spend the night and her Granny (Jeff's Mom) took them ice skating.   I personally think that is a very poor message to send to a 12 year old.
I did make an attempt to take them to a movie on Sunday, by communicating directly with the girls via their cell phones.  Without the details, it did not work out well (not even close) and understandably so .... and now my son-in-law is in the mix.
This is obviously not the first disagreement, hurt feelings and misunderstanding that has occured between Karen and me.  I have several questions: 
Based on my perception of what occured ( I know there are always 2 sides to a story) where did I go wrong?  What could I have done to prevent this situation?  How can it be fixed?
There is no denying that I go between hurt feelings and anger.  I really don't know how to handle any of this.
I think that Lauren should have been given the option to keep her commitment with me or stay home, even though she didn't go to the party, she should  not been able to have a friend spend the night and  go ice skating.  Am I off base?
Thanks for your input.
BJ

Quote From: bootsymom

Thank you, Dr. Phil & Robin, for showing that the people affected by Katrina & her aftermath haven't been forgotten. 

  

I was born & raised in New Orleans, in the house that my daddy & grandpa built in Lakeview.  The 17th Street canal levee was my backyard, literally.  We played on it as kids, oblivious to the danger that lurked there.  2 of my sisters also bought houses on the same street, & I bought a house about a mile away.  When Katrina threatened, we evacuated to central Mississippi, thinking that we'd be back after a few days.  NO ONE had ANY idea that it would end up like this.  We lost our homes, jobs, schools.  My special needs son lost access his caregiver & therapists.  We lost our way of life.  And, I lost my hometown.  Unless you go to New Orleans & see it yourself, you can't even begin to imagine the ENORMITY of the devastation.  Pictures don't even come close... 

  

I realize that the focus has been on New Orleans, but so much of the Gulf Coast was devastated.  The pain felt in Mississippi & Alabama is just as horrific as in Louisiana, & my heart goes out to those folks.   So much was lost, so much... 

  

But, we consider ourselves blessed.  We all made it out alive.  Our extended family has taken us in while we rebuild our lives.  We're starting new jobs & new schools, & we'll land on our feet.  I only hope that my beloved New Orleans will land on her feet, too.  (If you've never visited NO, you've truly missed something special.  That city had so much personality & culture & character, you'd swear she had a pulse...) 

  

Bless you, Dr. Phil & Robin, for continuing to come to the aid of those affected, from the victims & first responders to those who opened their hearts & homes during this heartbreaking time.  The recovery process is going to take years - I'll humbly ask, please don't forget us.  We need & deeply appreciate your help. 

  

Signed,  

I know what it means to miss New Orleans 

Quote From: jim1970

No.  Women (who are supposed to be independent and roaring) are the unfaithful ones.  I ALWAYS wanted to get married since I was IN MY TEENS.  I  NEVER wanted to go down this road.  But, years of torture have made me realize that American women are worse than priests.  They abuse men psychologically and financially.  While women claim that WE are unfaithful, it is THEY who wear short skirts and plunging necklines IN PUBLIC and say that flirting is harmless. 

  

I'm the best-and I'm finding a real woman....outside of America. 

Quote From: missjane2

You are in the right place.  You might also find the "DIVORCE" discussion helpful.  You might want to ask your daughter WHAT her husband has done to hurt her so bad?  I have a friend who left her husband for another guy because I think she was bored and perhaps had the baby blues.  They looked like each other.  He was never mean to her.  He did EVERYTHING she asked him to do.  He could build and pretty much pampered her.  He gave her $800 cash per month just to spend on stupid stuff and she was a stay at home mom. I work and don't have half that just to blow.   She never complained he was mean to her.  He did all sorts of nice stuff for her birthday and holidays and on and on. 

  

On the otherhand in my situation my mom never saw the MEAN side of my ex only the business big smile car salesman personality and thus she never gave any credit to my feelings of hurt... 

Which you may need to look into which it is?  Is this guy mistreating your daughter and you just were not aware of it or is she having a personal crisis for whatever reason that has lead her on this wrong path?