Messages By: lyninsocal

Now that you've said something ...

I just wanted to say, I haven't recognized the Lyn I knew ... in here for a while now.

If you'd rather I had  not commented,      ...          I apologize for doing so.

On another note, how is the new "little one" doing ?    And his brothers?

You are truly blessed.

Take care.

...of admirers lining up here, aren't we.

Q....I am so glad to see you back here!

And you know...I know (and love) this absolute wonder of a grumpy old woman too.....I have had the honor of spending a few days with her this summer...and she is a FINE person. A wonderful person. A great cook, too!! And she is funny. And she needs some cheering up right now, I think. Get well, Lyn, dear. You are missed. And just like a tiny little person that came into my family last week, you don't know how much you are loved, either, it seems....but you are getting clues now, aren't you?

fred, min venn

stor klem

E

  I have been where I am (leaving coming back, though leaving wasn't very long) enough to find I, yes me, me, me was always happier, really happier if lonely, when I wasn't with my husband of 28 years.  The "free to be me" stuff was contagious.  Was I lonely, oh yea, but then I was JUST as lonely being around or with him.  Why, because he was ALL about him.  What he thought, what he wanted, what was his ENTITLEMENT.  Rarely about me and what I wanted or needed, but then he wasn't around much.

  COLD HARD TRUTH, for 28 years I waited for him to have the "time and money" (excuses I now know simply excuses to NOT give back) to think about US, our family.  You know what? I decided after about 11 years of marriage with him, just how AWFUL and lonely I felt ALL the time.  It affected everything I did, thought, or felt.  I was "not good enough" to get what other women got all the time (or so it seemed),  I thought it was his jobs, or his cautiousness with money, or his being "tired" or depressed or stressed. NOPE, it was his SELFISH ENTITLEMENT to serve self only that was the problem.  How do I know without a doubt..........because he HAS the time now (retired) and he has the money (which he  considers ALL his) but what he still doesn't have is THE INCLINATION.  

  So what did I get for all my waiting and understanding and hoping?  STILL LONELY AND STILL PRONE to feel AWFUL PLUS lots of regrets, kinda mixed up kids who tend to be selfish AT HOME anyway, disrespect (didn't I know that would happen) and other NEGATIVES. 

  SELFISH people spread NEGATIVITY like disease.  If young, could do a do over, and more educated then as opposed to NOW,  I would instantly STOP TRYING and move on, I would rather spend my time lonely by CHOICE, than to be LONELY when WITH someone.  I also know, at least still want to believe NOT ALL MEN ARE LIKE THIS TO THIS DEGREE.  I may never know that, for me, as I am OLD, and not prime "dating" material, as I have gotten, well, lets say I am NO longer 23, 33, 43.  I frankly don't think I have the energy to date!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I do wish I wouldn't have spent my youth, waiting for what was never going to be, however.   Please think on this.

Just thought Id update people on how visits w/ Zack are, last week sucked.  J couldnt be bothered to arrange the visit.  According to the order his sister had 2 weeks to call me and find out the where and when, the date was already arranged.  She called me the Sat. it was to take place, at the time it was supposed to take place and proceeded to cry and shout at me, nice. 

Oh well, my lawyer pointed out that no one said this would be easy and that it wasnt too bad.  He is right so fast forward to this weekend.  J and his sis did show this time and on time. 

Apparently he told my Aunt that he was in Narcanon, and Alanon, which pissed me off so much I could frickin spit.  But the visit went well, Z doesnt seem to remember his dad, but who knows, he doesnt talk much, so who knows.

  He did come back and was a holy fricking terror that day, but it couldbe been coincidence as he was pointing to where a tooth was busting out and crying "ow mumma"  So next week he's not going to come for his visit because his sister is going out of town and he won't come unless someone drives him.  nice.  Apparently he's unaware of buses?  Oh well, I suppose I should be thankful that he is bothering at all, even if it is filled with exuses, lack of accountablity and its so half assed I dont know whether to laugh, be releieved, angry or sad for my son.  Only the future will say huh? 

On one hand I hope that he does well, for Z's sake.  But I also hope his dad messes up, also for Z's sake.  Makes no sense I know, I suppose I just really can't conceive of J pulling up the boot straps. 

I have been struggling with some guilt lately around these visits.  It all started out with a comment my lawyer made to me.  We were leaving the courthouse and he mentioned that he had an ex girlfriend who was a single mom and looked forward to visits so she could have a break.  Honestly, I have no one.  No one to babysit at all.  A handful of times my bff mom has taken Z and that's it.  Then this weekend I had to miss I party that I organised myself.  The party ended up falling apart anyhow, but it was still dissappointing.  Dont get me wrong btw, Im not complaining.  I know Im a mom, I cant always go out drinking whenever I want, I get it.  I have only been to 1 party since I got pregnant in Feb 2005.  I want out of this house, I want quiet, I want to talk about tv  shows, current events and RECENT case studies with actual adults and without having to say, "one sec, honey dont put your finger up your nose k?"  I am so guilty about this, but..it would kinda be great if J were to shape up, (I have no expectations there).  I could get more school work done, my house could be clean for at least a few hours I could go out, I could wear jewelerry w/o it being yanked on/off.

I am so sorry but I am so guilty-angry-burned-out.  I knew being a single mom would be hard.  I dont mind that.  I just getting so frustrated. 

I want to be able to:

• watch tv w/o having to squint to see judge judy through the sticky toddler fingerprints all over the screen.
• Clean one room and move on to a next w/o coming into the first and finding it exactly the same as before it was cleaned when Im done.
• Put Zack trucks on their shelf w/o hearing a full out tantrum.
• Watch something on tv that doesnt involve; clowns, squeeky voices, creepy animals, our dancing dinosaurs.
• Sit for 10 minutes straight w/o hearing a screeched "mumma!" and being dragged off the sofa.
• Takea nap w/o having blocks bruise my ribs because I rolled off a poptart to painfully find a stash of them hidden under the blankets.
• Drink until I forget how stressed I am by all the above mentioned trivialties.

Does this all make me a horrible mom/person.  This has been bothering me so much, I must be such a terrible and weak person to be whining about these things.  I just wish J was a good father.  I just want a break sometimes.  God...I miss my house not being sticky.  *sigh*

I never encourage people to be some thing they are not.... How ever, as human beings none of us are singletary... in nature... meaning we all have more than one side to us...

Example... some people love to do girly things hence the hair, nails and fragrance thing and yet there are times when they are comfortable with the tomboy thing... hence the pony tail and sweats...

Don't knock it unless you have tried it and it has not succeeded for you... You as in generic....

I find in my studies of abuse sometimes and even for myself some of us want to stay victims.

A role of a victim at times can be comfortable and it def. works and some love the role.

So; If you remain in the victim role of choice then you will stay a victim for a very very very  long time and you could die a victim by whatever timeline death is coming to  you or you could die a victim at the hands of your abuser. Either way its a choice and a possibility. Hey I could walk outside today and get hit by a car.

Hey; If that is your choice; so be it.

What you wont experience by staying a victim is not being able to be your authentic self

and live life on your own terms and you die not knowing how great life can really be with all of the

ammenities of being free and in control of your destiny and feeling incredibly good about yourself. What is really hard for most is the ability to know a better life that is free of control and abuse. If one never experienced it then it cant be seen how good a life free of control and abuse can be so you stay stuck and one will continue to stay stuck until something, someone, some unknown phenomenan,  A crisis, a death, a paranormal event, anything may jolt one into becoming unstuck.

If you knew that you had one day left to live how would you spend it. Free of control and abuse or would you stay where you are?