Messages By: hunnybug

Quote From: danawat

I'm posting this for all the step moms who feel like the "other women" because their husband's relationship with their daughter.  Please be a little understanding of the daughter's position.   

I haven't seen the show yet, but the situation between Mark, Juli and his daughter Samantha seemed so similar ours when I was 12 that I had to write.   

  

A father who becomes so close to his daughter that he treats her as his companion instead of his child, is doing damage to the daughter.  He is taking away her role as daughter and his role as a father and changing their relationship into something else.  From what I've seen in others and from what I feel about my past relationship with my father, the father is creating this "close" relationship not because he loves the daughter so much, but because he's lonely.  He is using the daughter to fill the place that the adult women should fill.  The step mom or girl friend should be the father's confidant, late night companion and the person to share private jokes with, not the daughter.   

  

The daughter, most likely, loves the extra attention and the privileged position she is given.  What kid wouldn't?  A divorce can be a very lonely, painful, confusing experience for a child.  Where you once had a whole family, now it is broken.  You are often left feeling vulnerable and somehow "less" than before.  If your father offers you a relationship appears to  fills that void, you take it. 

  

Of course, this causes problems for any women who enters the picture ( it often causes problems for the daughter's future relationships with men but that's a different story).  The father already has a "significant other"; his daughter. 

  

I'm certainly not saying that all fathers who are close to their daughters are crossing the line.  I think that most fathers respect their daughters and treat them as daughters should be treated, not like companions, but like their children.  I just remember how it often was when my father dated other women.  My father treated me as an adult companion.  He talked to me about adult subjects, took me to adult movies,  let me stay up till when ever I wanted to.  When other women entered the picture, they, in a way, viewed me as another women.  I can't tell you how creepy this feels to the girl in that situation, even though the reason it feels creepy, is something you can't put a finger on at that age.  

  

So, I guess what I want to say is, if you are a women in this situation, please do not think of the daughter as another women you have to compete with.  She is a child who needs her father to set rules, guide her, and hopefully establish a healthy relationship with an adult women so she can have a good example of a relationship when she becomes an adult and seeks a companion of her own. 

  

  

  

Quote From: truluv2

I was real excited about seeing the show today and hoping to get some tips or advice but like usual, my circumstances are quite different than most that I have found and the show didnt help much. My husband has a 9 yr old daughter whom he gets visitation with every other weekend and now that she moved, every 3 weekends. In the beginning (she was 3 then), everything was great, we got along and I was building a relationship with the lil girl. When we got engaged and moved in together EVERYTHING seemed to change. Andy, my husband, would COMPLETELY ignore me when she was at our place for the weekend. I worked weekends then so I wasn't even there most of the time. The girl would roll her eyes and disrespect me and my personal belongings and Andy would say, "I didn't see her" or stuff like, "It's just a piece of furniture (or whatever it was that she destroyed)" At night I would get kicked out of my own bed and Andy refused to take her back to bed. He thought I was a "bitch" for not wanting her to sleep in our bed or hang out in the privacy of our own bedroom. The girl had no rules, no bedtime, nothing. Andy and I went to counseling over this issue. The counselor suggested we both make a list of rules, combine and agree on them and proper punishment. After making a list of my own, andy said that I covered them all and they were fine. When it came to enforce these rules, he said I was a dictator, they are my rules and to enforece them myself. Needless to say, she goes to daddy every time still to this day. I can't even tell her to please knock before entering our room without getting yelled at. There are hundreds of stories like this. THEN we got married and pregnant. Andy had nothing to do with my pregnancy but would brag and tell stories about him and the girl's mom (whom he never married) and how it was such an emotional moment and blah blah blah. I couldn't get him to help name our son. His excuse was, "I got to name "her" so you can name the baby" In Lamaze class he took magazines and work to do because lamaze class was "boring. I've already been through this before."  My heart was broken and my soul crushed because of it. Andy's mother was the same way. She told me when I was 7 months pregnant that Andy should've married his daughter's mother. It is now clearly evident that she shows favortism between her only two grandchildren, Andy's daughter and our son. Andy said that he doesn't want any more children because he already has two and so do I. I argued that I only have one child and he says he didn't even want our son to begin with...another stab in the heart. I'm always compared to his ex, by him and his mother. Andy ALWAYS does what his ex says. When, where, how, whatever the case. I'm always put on the back burner and have to change plans or wait around until the last minute until the ex decides what suits her best. She is really vindictive after 8 and a half years. She is married with 2 children of her own and lives in a nice house and always driving a brand new car. She continually tries to drain more and more money out of us. I used to not have a problem with her until my husband started treating me like I was "their" child and treats her like she's a queen and i'm, well, a nothing. To try and make this shorter.....Now it has been almost 6 years. NOTHING has changed but the fact that now I have resentment and anger towards the whole situation. Considering that I have no say so in the situation, I stay in my room the whole time that the lil girl is here. I make Andy watch our 3 yr old the whole time due to the fact that he was also getting ignored on visitation weekends also. My son and I hardly ever get to spend time with Andy due to him working and going to school all the time so when he drops everything on the weekends for the girl and totally ignores our son and I, I get really angry and hurt and more resentment builds. I've tried VERY hard to make Andy understand where I am coming from but his response is and always has been, "she's blood and you're not and if you don't like it, get your stuff and get the f*** out" That statement hurt so bad that when I see the little girl, it makes me cringe. My 3 yr old does notice a difference being made. He lashes out by acting completely different when she's here. He hits, screams, and acts as silly as he can to get his daddy's attention. It's all I can do to keep from bawling. Bawling is usually what I do, in my room, every visitation weekend. Andy does his best to try and make me think that my thoughts and feelings are abnormal about being a "stepmother." He's bought me books to read and has done a good job at making me feel like a horrible person. I have read plenty of books, went to counseling, and have done research on the subject. I have found that yes, I am perfectly normal for feeling this way in such a situation. There are things that I could do more of that would make the situation better. The thing is, I have done everything asked of me and more and I dont' get anything in return for it. At this moment in time, Andy says that this coming up weekend things have to change and I have to love his daughter or we are getting divorced. I have tried to explain to him that we have to build a relationship and grow into love with full support and understanding. Andy tells me the situation is my problem and I have to deal with it myself. It is SOOOOO frustrating. With that ultimatum, I don't know what to do or say. It's something that can't happen overnight. It's taken me 6 years almost to get to this point of resenment and I can almost say hatred.  I feel like that he's telling me that instead of being a supportive father and husband that he would rather divorce me, sacrifice not giving his son his mommy AND daddy's full time support and love just so he doesn't have to deal with this issue less than 48 hours a month. I don't know what to do. There are sooo much more heartbreaking  moments that I couldn't even begin to tell it all here and now. I don't want to get divorced and I don't want to spend any days away from my son. If Dr. Phil reads this, PLEASE give me some advice.