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November 24, 2005, 1:58 pm PST

been there done that

Quote From: wifeandmom

I am the mom of a 13-year-old. I was remarried 2 years after being a single mom for 11 years. I raised my son the best that I knew how which I thought was wonderful! My son is a loving, caring, happy young man. As a single mom, we did everything together. My husband feels that I spoiled him to the point of him being self-centered, irresponsible, and not going to amount to anything but an adult child living at home. An example of a situation: when I suggest we play a game as a family, my husband accuses me of just wanting to entertain my son. I really miss the happiness and togetherness that I used to have with my son. My husband continually says that I must push my son to be more independent but that seems to mean let him be by himself and figure out how to entertain himself. We do things as a family but only if the idea comes from my husband. I feel there may be competetive feelings coming from my husband and possibly resentment of any time that I may want to spend with my son. I have asked my husband if that may be true and he denies it. I do want to say that my husband has so much to offer my son and us as a family. He is a very responsible husband and provider and a great role model for my son. I just wish that there could be a middle ground with some carefree playfulness as well as the lessons that need to be learned. I am currently looking for a family counselor and there are so many out there, I just don't know how to narrow it down. Does anyone have any sugestions for finding a good family therapist?

I am going throught the same thing. My husband hates my 20 year old son. He says the same things to him that your husband says about your son. My son had to move back in after being on his own and my husband was unbearable. My husband has 2 children that live with us and I get along great with them. I expect the same treatment for my children. I have a younger son that is 14. My husband is nicer to him but I fear my younger son will eventually receive the same treatment. My husband acts like he's jealous! It doesn't make sense to me. He is very mean to my son. I eventually left my husband over this. It is very painful for me. I love this man but I love my children more. I will not let anyone be mean to my children. If your son is a decent man I would say you've done a great job raising him. Stick to your guns on this one. You only have one chance in life. Your children look up to their parents at all ages. I'm sure your son knows how your husband feels about him even if your husband doesn't say anything to him. My son knew. I have so much quilt for staying as long as I did, but I was trying to make it work. We went to counseling and the counselor agreed with me so my husband wouldn't go back. Your husband should love those that you love, or at least show them respect because he loves you. I know how much you hurt over this, it tore me apart. I feel as though I've made the right decision. My family didn't like this man because of the way he has treated my son. My kids and I have a great relationship and they know how much I love them. That's all I need in my life. Good luck to you. I hope you find the help you need.

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amberdj1

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November 24, 2005, 2:40 pm PST

torn between two families

I have recently left my fiance' after 5 years together. I am very confused and depressed over this. My future husband hates my 20 year old son. This is also why we never married. We have been engaged for over 2 years. I refused to marry him until this was resolved, which obviously never happened! I love my fiance' very much but I love my childern more. I also have a 14 year old son. He has 2 boys that lived with us. They are about the same age as my sons. I got along great with his kids. My fiance' was very mean to my oldest son. He would call him names and he always complained about my son. He acted like he was jealous of my relationship with my son. My son never talked back and he was always very nice to my fiance'. My fiance' got along better with my youngest son but I'm afraid he would eventually treat him the same way. It was horrible to hear my fiance' call my son names and I have left before because of this. I always came back because he said he was sorry and wouldn't do it again. He did get better at calling him names but he always had something bad to say about my son. He said I was sick because I always hug my children. He said at a certain age people stop showing affection like that. I disagree. I came from a family that always showed affection. His family never shows affection. They never hug each other and I think it's sad. Of course he is raising his own children the same way. I think it was refreshing for his children because I would show them affection. We went to a counselor and the counselor agreed with me so my finace' didn't want to go back. I left my fiance' because of all this. I am living with my sister and I have very little furniture because we gave it to charities when I moved in with him. I am 40 years old and I've decided to go back to college and finish my education. I quit college because he was so jealous of people I met at school. He was even jealous of my doctor! I didn't go to the doctor unless I had to because it always caused a fight. So it wasn't just my son he was jealous over. I never cheated on him so this behavior was not appropriate. Has anyone gone through this type of relationship? Did I do the right thing? My children are happy and they know how much I love them. My oldest son lives on his own but my youngest lives with me. My youngest is worried I will go back again. I feel really quilty because I have gone back before. I hate to see my youngest son worry about this. I keep reassuring him that we are not going anywhere. Although, I am looking for my own place. I hate starting over again at age 40 but it's refreashing not having all that stress in my life. I would love to hear other stories like mine and the outcomes of those relationships.

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amberdj1

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November 24, 2005, 2:58 pm PST

You were right!

Quote From: snitonson

My relationship with my 15 year old son, which was never great is now very tense and stressed. This turn for the worse occurred when I got angry with my son for throwing some boxes on the floor and called the police to my home for a domestic disturbance.It was the first time I ever called the police and in retrospect I never should have called because I was already angry with myself for some personal issues I was dealing with.

In summary ,this police visit ended up with implications that have caused my wife and I to deal with a rude, angry, rebellious son. This occurred because the police when talking to my son asked about a comment I had made previously that he had been arrested for smoking pot. They asked if they could search his room for drugs. My son pleaded with me to not let police to search. Not thinking of all implications I agreed to search his room. They found pot and to my surprise 2 methodone pills ( a controlled substance).My son was arrested and taken to police station.

This arrest led to charges being filed against my son in Juvenile court and this mess will end up with him having to take periodic drug tests and meeting with probation officier. My son is extremely angry with me and calls me a snitch because I allowed police search. Since this incident he is extremely rude, discourteous and verbally abusive to me . I have apoligized to him for calling the police in first place, but he says I betrayed him and that I am a snitch. This happened 4 months ago and he vows not change his behavior until his probation is over. He never has taken any responsibility for having the drugs.

Any comments/suggestions on how to make situation better. My wife and I are very stressed out as well as being concerned about son's drug use.

You might be feeling quilty but you'll may have your son around for alot longer. Did you know about your son's drug problem? You may have saved his life. Maybe you can get him the help he needs now. I'm guessing he's acted the way he has because of the drugs. You never know what other kinds of drugs he was taking. You, as a parent, need to take control of him now before it's too late. Start seaching his room yourself. Sometimes we can't be friends with our kids, we have to be someone they might not like. Your son will understand when he is older and has his own children. I know this from experience. You don't want to feel quilty because you've lost your son because of drugs.

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amberdj1

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December 12, 2005, 9:43 pm PST

thanks so much

Quote From: momstaxi56

It will be the best thing you can do for you and your sons. To continue to be in that toxic relationship is putting all of you at risk. Both mentally and physically. Please start over without your EX-finace'.

My first husband was jealous of my son and was verbally abusive. Then we had a daughter. That did not help. My ex-husband was always berating me and belittling me. Always accusing me of having affairs. He even accused me of having an affair with my boss. Turns out that I found oue he had been having affairs all along. I kicked him to the curb, made him move out.

Then I had a short relationship and got pregnant a third time. I asked for his help and he said that he wanted to try to fix things between us. It looked good for a few months. THen he went back to his old ways. I finally had enough and kicked him out for good. It was good for me and the kids.

You CAN start over. It will be tough, but worth every minute of peace. I will keep you in my prayers.

Thanks for the reply. I have heard alot of stories just like mine and I can't believe people can be so mean. I'm happy to hear you have moved on and I wish you the best. It's so sad that people have to go through so much pain in relationships, it makes us stronger though. I'm getting better every day. Thanks again!!

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Messages By: amberdj1

been there done that

torn between two families

You were right!

thanks so much