Messages By: mari3kids
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November 25, 2005, 2:16 pm PST
 Quote From: md81264 I hope this message will set the record strait. It is true that i am very close to my daughter and my son. My children are every thing to me......but so is the marriage i have with my wife. I would do anything for them. What you do not know is that i was close to my children before my divorce from my first wife. What you also do not know is that i lost two children from my first marriage, one child at 4 months and then another at 1 month of age. Could this be a reason for my close relationship with my children or why i try to protect them,.......it might have some thing to do with it. So for all the messages posted that carried a perverted slant to them.....i suggest you get the facts before assumptions are made. My interaction with my children has not changed from the first marriage to the next. It seems that my wife sees my relationship with my kids as me favoring them over her own......and that is not true. It is true that her children have not bonded with me as of yet so it may look to my wife that i am favoring my own. But i must be honest, i some times feel the same way towards my wife and the way she babies her son........she would probably say that it does not happen, but it does. I believe that it is only human nature to try and protect your children, and try to make each day a happy one for them. I have a great wife and some great kids, but I do agree that my family needs some work........but don't we all. Good luck to those who stick with it.
Mark Beware, beware father of the first family. My situation is scarily similar to yours. My hb had his daughter from his first marriage become his "pal,sidekick" whatever you want to call it. Indulged, spoiled, not materially but behaviourly as your daughter seems to be. He made his daughter the centre of his life to the exclusion of his own life. Let's fast forward to now. Daddy's girl is now 14, lets see her behaviour is as follows: since 12 has been drinking, smoking, doing drugs, sleeping with older boys 18 ++. Has no respect for her father, her mother, me or her step father. The mother is NO help whatsoever. Since no boundaries were ever set up between her father and herself, she fancies herself my equal/competition. Daddy has a hard time disciplining her, because when she does not get her own way it results in emotional warfare. She distances herself, makes him feel guilty for "neglecting" her. Neglect = not getting what she wants. The games have begun. Beware, he has created a monster that he has very little or no control over her actions, her attitudes, since nothing has ever been addressed in the past, it makes it very hard to step up now and start laying down the law. My advice to you - start now, start fast and pull in the reins or trust me you will besorry. You will end up with a sullen, spoiled, little girl who uses whatever weapons she may have at her disposal to get her own way and will have a hard time functioning in the real world. My step dtr has a very difficult time maintaining friends, because she insists things be her way. Most girls do not like her because of her promiscuity. It has caused tremendous strain on the relationship because I refuse to be disrespected in my own home. My own children do not behave this way. We do not do our children any favours by making excuses for their behaviour however poor, they must learn to be accountable and responsible for what they do and what they say. It is never too early to start instilling that in your daughter. |
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November 26, 2005, 5:19 am PST
Quote From: darlene14 I am in the same situation as the woman who feels like the "other woman". I am going thru my 2nd divorce and had had it with men when I had run into an old "friend" from 20 years ago and he pursued me and we hit it off and are now engaged. I have 5 children (son age 16 and 4 girls - 13, 11, 8 and 4) from 2 previous marriages and he has one daughter who is 12. She has done everything she can to come between us. She was living with her dad when we first got together and moved back with her mom after she found out her mom was having a baby - who is not married and not even with the guy....anyway, their marriage wasn't much of one to begin with and they were just divorced a year ago. Instead of fiance doing the things with his wife like he should have he did them with his daughter instead.
Now that we are together she gets jealous and comes around to hug her dad or kiss him to make me jealous. If we are hugging or something she will come around to get her share - one incident she came in and we were hugging b/c one of us had just gotten home and she got pissed and said "I LOVE YOU TOO DAD!" She calls her mom in the middle of the night when she is here on the weekends she is here and even on Wednesday nights for her to come and get her. I think it is because she is used to sleeping with them and doesn't like to sleep by herself or without her mom or dad. I keep telling fiance not to allow her to call or leave and he does everytime. I have had panic attacks when she is here and have to leave because of the stress and he ends up leaving taking her to his moms and has her stay there or whatever.
She likes to dress trashy and is proud to look like a "slut" and talks about wanting to be one. She was always undressing in front of him and lifts her shirt up to show him her bra - she hasn't yet started to develop but still inappropriate. She talks about her "boobs" to him all the time. She walks in on him in the bathroom and shower - glass shower doors, and walks in on us all the time when we are in the bedroom.
When she is here she talks bad about me and gets my oldest daughter against me and do the things she knows I don't like or aprrove of. As soon as she leaves to go back home my daughter is her old self. My other kids don't like her because of her attitude but especially the way she has treated me. She has really hurt my 11 year old by the way she has treated me and talked to me and about me.
She was supposed to walk home with my daughter from school and would never show up and go somewhere else and no one would know where she was. But there was no discipline and she just kept doing it. She now doesn't come here - she has everyone running all over the place to pick her up whereever she is. She hasn't been here for a few weeks - mostly b/c her mom had her baby and now she is really treating her dad bad. She was talking bad behind his back too and being rude to him to his face. She can't keep friends. She lies constantly and has been stealing (stole cash and checks from my daughter- which she gave her back the checks but not the cash) and finace doesn't even confront her about any of it. When he does confront her about anything she lies to him and he lets it go. They had taken one of my credit cards and used it for a dating site on the internet and they were both confronted about it and I still don't know what happened for sure but he ended up taking his daugher for "a ride" and talked to her about it and got the "facts" from her and then it was dropped. My daughter was saying one thing and his daughter said she didn't even know anything about it and didn't want to talk about it - she just kept doing her homework.
My finace has told me he wants me to help and he wants his daughter to be able to come to me for anything. I can talk to my kids about anything and his ex has never been able to talk about "delicate" issues with their daughter. She had no idea what puberty even was. He wants the help but he just doesn't seem to get it. He knows about this show and I told him about it and that that is exactly like our situation and he didn't see it as that way. I told him it is and that I have told him that since we first got together.
My kids love him to death and don't give him problems - sure they are kids and they act up but not to this extent. My kids have not had much of a dad - even with their step-dad, and they like the way he wants to be with them and do for them. But he does "discipline" them and makes them go by rules. But it doesn't ever apply to his daugher. He tells me he doesn't want to because she isn't here that much....One of my daughters (11 year old) doesn't live with me right now either and I see her a lot less than he does his daughter but she still has rules...
He also sneaks off almost every night to go call her and talk to her. I don't like the sneaking around and I have brought it up. He hasn't talked to her much the past week or two since the baby was born - she gets pissed at him for something and hangs up on him all the time.
I wish I knew what to do. We are wanting to move out of town and he thinks it would help with some of the problems but to me he is just running from them and not wanting to deal with her and have to treat her like the daughter/child that she is. She is very childish too and acts like a 2 year old--when she doesn't get her way or get what she wants she cries and blames me and then she will call her mom crying to her. Which she sneaks off to do that too. Especially at night when she goes home in the middle of the night - shw will sneak the phone and call her mom then come in all ready to go and just tell her dad she is leaving and make some stupid excuse. I think a lot of it is for attention. And she is getting it thats for sure. She is very conniving and manipulative and fiance says he just can't believe she would do things....
HELP!! I could go on and on and on... Oh my God, you are living my life!! I am at my wits end as well, it is causing major strain in the relationship. My stepdtr is a slut and dresses trashy, acts, speaks you name it, she does it. Their behaviours are almost identical. I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you, I'm struggling too. However I do console myself with this: This is not my daughter, not my problem, if the two parents cannot see the damage that they are doing to their daughter, long term then there is not much I can do about it. I too get extremely anxious when I know she is coming over, for there is ALWAYS some sort of drama that we have to deal with. Currently, she is staying at a hotel through the week, mon-fri - the mom works nights there and she stays the night to go to the school that SHE wants to go to. She doesn't want to go to the one that the bus picks her up at the door. and thinks we should all drive her 40 minutes out of everyones way so she can do what she wants. She tells us she has made up her mind and isn't budging. And what do the parents do? Whatever she tells them to. It makes me sick to watch her manipulate my hb and then I get so angry with him. He is the reason she is the way she is and he will have no one to blame when she cannot function as an adult. I feel sorry for us. and yes I could go on and on and on,
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November 28, 2005, 5:03 am PST
Quote From: sandyfred Dr. Phil talks a lot about Family Contracts on his show. Does anyone have a template or sample. I would like to write one for my family.
There is one on this website, under teens, keep looking |
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November 30, 2005, 11:21 am PST
Quote From: darlene14 Well, my fiance and I had a long discussion about this show the other night and the way I see it as the way things are with us. He doesn't like the fact that she would be considered his surrogate wife. I have been telling him this since we got together at the end of May. He said he hasn't been having her come over here to our house until some things get worked out. I told him it isn't going to do her any good to stay away and not be involved. He said he doesn't want to put it all on her so fast all at one time...I told him he needs to stop babying her and she needs to deal with life sometime - it isn't going to go away. So since she hasn't been over for 2-3 weeks he had made plans - without my knowing - to take her out. Well, since I didn't know anything about it his plans backfired and it didn't happen because of his obligations here. So, his rude, disrespectful daughter hung up on him.
The only time she even comes around or wants anything to do with her dad is when he is buying her something. He doesn't agree. I have told him all she cares about are material things and not about the relationship. I told him that when she does come over here she doesn't pay much attention to him - it is all with my daughter - and when my daughter isn't here or doesn't pay all her attention to her she leaves.
He said if he had the money right now like he did before he would be buying my kids everything they wanted to and I said no you wouldn't - I won't let you. I don't want my kids to end up being spoiled brats and I want them to know what it is like to have to work for what they want and feel the accomplishment of it. They aren't going to learn to expect everything and that they deserve everything - to be handed over to them. He just doesn't get it.
My daughter said that my fiances daughter doesn't even talk to her anymore at school, which doesn't surprise me. She gets what she wants when she comes over here and that is for my daughter to treat me like s**t and all the attention on her and what she wants so it doesn't matter when she isn't here.
I feel soooo much better knowing there are others who are experiencing the same thing I am. I was beginning to wonder if I was looking for trouble. My Stpdtr too, only comes around when she wants something and then leaves when she gets it. For the most part, if she calls and requests something and Dad won't do it, he gets called a bunch of names, emotional warfare results and then she very nicely hangs up on him. I have said that they have the most warped relationship I've ever seen between father and daughter, he deals with her "outbursts" as a husband would deal with a wife, not a Father dealing with daughter. Once she hangs up on him, she does not come around, call - nothing - could be days, weeks (as long as someone else is catering to her in this time frame)Then....she calls and hb just about trips over himself he is soooo happy, she can hear it in his voice and at this point he will go to the ends of the earth just to see her and guess what? She has won once again. It is a vicious cycle and is quite pathetic to watch from where I stand. The outcome of this for me is that I am slowly losing respect for his as a person and as a man. And that I know is the kiss of death for a relationship. I feel like my future is in the hands of a hormone riddled, psychotic teenage girl and it scares me. I have even looked up NPD (Narcissitic Personality Disorder) because I think most of the symptoms apply to the step, I fluctuate between thinking she has a real mental disorder or is she just the most spoiled, indulged child I've ever met and what the @##$% kind of adult is she going to be? Jeez, are we going to be bailing this kid out of everything for the rest of our lives? She also has not much of relationship with my kids(my son is the same age, same grade) and he finds it very difficult, because he feels he gets branded with the same reputation as her as she is VERY PROMISCUOUS - no detail, you'd be shocked. Dad knows about ALL of it, the drugs, the sex everything and is SCARED to talk to her, because he is scared she won't come around at all then. Vicious circle. |
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December 15, 2005, 4:13 am PST
Quote From: divcemom3 Well, thats funny I didn't see the show but from what I've read I wish I would have. My boyfriend and I have been together for 16 months we have 6 kids between us the real Brady Bunch 3 boys 3 girls between ages 3-15. We were together 8 months before I met his kids for the first time his 2 girls wouldnt leave his side they were 10 & 14 then. Their mother wouldn't let him have his kids as long as we were together. His son and I get along very well and his 10 year old daughter. His 15 year old we get along well when she's there but she has a smart mouth that I can honestly say he doesnt tolerate. She belives when their there he pays more attention to me then them. Which I am the first woman who he has been with that the kids have been around they have not been together since 2000. It was so hard at first because my son had a hard time adjusting because their was another boy wanting my attention. My boyfriends ex-wife plays favorates to the girls. When he gets to our house he gets he doesnt want to live. My boyfriends daughters were both daddy's girls but I think they are adjusting very well. What I want to know is how do you deal with an exwife who fills the childrens heads with lies about their father and I. But when she comes to drop them off it's like she wants to be bestfriends.. Hi , I would say since your situation is somewhat similar to mine, my experience with the ex, is that she doesn't want him to be happy. You know the old adage, I don't want him, but I don't want anyone else to have him. If you react to her, you give her the power and the satisfaction of knowing that what she says/does bothers and affects you. Be polite, but distant. In this way, you show the children that YOU are the adult and what most people don't realize is the way they look to others when they are small minded and childish. The hardest thing for me, was to realize that I cannot control what other people say or do, I can only control how I react to it. Buckle up, you're in for a rough ride, but remember that this period in their life is only a blip on the radar screen and in five years, if you have done no real damage in the meantime to each other, you and the children will still have a relationship that is positive and caring. As long as your bf supports you 100% INFRONT of the kids and ex then you will head off the majority of the problems while they are still small, before the kids start acting out to get Daddy's attention away from the new woman. Patience, and lots of long walks instead of reacting. Try it, if you want the relationship to work. I too, am the first woman in ten years that has a relationship, and it's very hard to deal with the stepdtr who manipulates and engages in emotional warfare. I truly hope this doesn't happen to you, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Good Luck.
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