Messages By: wavdancr

I am SO ANGRY about this stuff today!!  I think Dr Phil BLEW IT when he went after Stacy like it was ALL her fault cuz guess what???  Someone else was having sex WITH her EVERY time  ... where's HIS PART IN ALL THIS???!  Worst of all, Stacy was solely HUMILIATED when Derek was the one who CHOSE to NOT use condoms himself!!!

Derek acts like he's TOTALLY the "victim" here, but he KNEW in his heart something was up with the bc or he wouldn't have kept asking Stacy if she was on bc! WHY DIDN'T HE USE CONDOMS??!!  He is a MASTER MANIPULATOR!!  Not just today, but ALWAYS!!  That MANIPULATION is what gets women to do dumb things like be TOO AFRAID to "lose" those abusive creeps, or lie about birth control!!   I STRONGLY DISAGREE with blaming Stacy ONLY for this situation!!!  Derek made his choice to be UNPROTECTED and now he has to pay the price, TOO!!  boohoo.  Stop blaming it all on Stacy, Derek!  NO bc is 100%!!  ANYTIME you have sex, you MIGHT end up with a baby!!  Grow up and admit to YOUR part in this mess, Derek!!

my heart really goes out to her.  why do i think she's a survivor? because she's so terrified of sex and real intimacy, terrified of being truly connected to any one man; terrified of being alone with her own husband (who seemed decent on the show - she's lucky she didn't get an abusive one like i did).  she's had so many past lovers ... being promiscuous is a huge red flag for a rape survivor.

not remembering and/or not admitting what all left her so wounded is not a bad thing. know how we all misplace our keys, forget where they are for a few minutes/hours? that's dissociating, so, yes, dissociating is a real event!!  she may have dissociated what was done to hurt her, ... which means it's just going to take more time to work through it all but she CAN heal from this crap! we ALL can heal from the crap done to us in our lives!! 

my heart went out to the immense pain in her and donny's lives. god bless them that they can find the healing they both seek.

i don't remember how much counseling they agreed to, but i hope it was a lot. not to be mean, even tho' i feel really angry watching grant be such a chauvenistic pig towards his wife, the mother of his children. but doesn't he like ... love her?? at all??   he totally reminds me of my ex, who clearly got screwed by his parents growing up and so had no love for himself or anyone else, either. (still doesn't and he's in his 50s, with his children not wanting anything to do with his critical, domineering, fear-mongering, loneliness-guaranteeing behavior.)  nothing was ever good enough for him, either ... hence the whole "ex" thing. (word of warning to grant ... kelly WILL see the light someday and if you keep treating her like garbage, well, she will just exit your marriage so then who will you be putting down all the time??)  clearly kelly grew up in a not-real-happy home, too, to be so afraid of standing up to him about his crap (he didn't hurt her after they got home, did he?)  i hope they both agreed to a lot of counseling ... for their children's sakes most of all.

diana had a few good points about if a woman chooses to stay home, she should be the best stay-at-home mom that she can possibly be.  heck, employers don't tend to hire people who will kind of do a ok job ... they want people who will do a "great" job.  and yeah, maybe it wouldn't hurt to freshen up a bit before hubby comes home, but if he in any way "expects" it or coerces it (my ex used to demand the children be clean and fresh-smelling when he got home. and he expected to be given at least 1/2 hr to relax all by himself after he got home ... try explaining that to small children! i know, i married a spoiled bully, too.) if i found a wonderful guy to marry, you know, i would hope he'd love me just the way i was, whether i felt like "freshening up" for him each evening or not:  i would hate to feel that our relationship was built on me staying "good-looking".  been there, done that already ... no more!!  now, if he freshened up too .. hmmm....

joy, hon, i've been so scared of men that i won't even go to parties hosted by my friends, just in case some single guy takes an interest in me. but i'm healing past that and hope to heal and grow to the point that i will allow some wonderful guy into my life some day, one who would only add to my life, never take anything away from it. i am frankly tired of working my tail off day in and week out. i'd love to be able to choose to work, or not.  to choose to "do it all" myself, or not.  i hope you can find real peace in your life ... cuz i don't think that being single is the happiest way of being.  really, it's not.  safer, yes, but not the happiest way of being.  good luck to you! =)

who's going to raise your children? some young things who are paid as little as possible (which takes care of any daycare situation, nanny or etc.)?  or someone who actually will care about them as the years go by?

when parents don't raise their own children, there are two possible outcomes:

1. if both parents truly need to work to earn enough to support the family, and i don't mean a new car all the time, the nicer house in the better neighborhood, private schools, lots of vacations ... these are NOT necessities, they are frivolities! ... soooo, if both parents need to work for the **basics**, children will know that in their hearts and will be ok with it.

2. if both parents work for any other reason, all i can say is why did you have children? for someone else to raise for you? children get it when both parents do NOT **need** to work, and they very quickly put the pieces together and you know what children always figure out?? by their nature as children, they figure out you hate them so much, you'd rather work than be around them. no matter what you say, it's just how nature has programmed kids to think.

imho, it's not worth it to turn the raising of your children over to other people unless it's **absolutely** necessary.  as a single mom i have had to work, but i've stayed with jobs that let me structure my hours around my children's needs, i've worked in preschools and after-school care jobs.  my children are so much happier for it because i taught them that they matter... and that's what counts.  because when i decided to have children, their needs had to come before my wants.  the rest has somehow just taken care of itself.

 first, as a baby i think that having a bunch of stuffies in my crib seemed to nurture me ... but also protect me.  my parents both had *so* many issues it's amazing i survived to grow up.  only as my healing progresses am i now able to stop hoarding.

second, they made me feel *responsible* for everything!!  so whenever i see stuff that "needs me" ... i take it home.  until lately when i can look beyond the moment and realize there are other people out there and they might actually need those things.  (in fact, last night i took an old table out and put it near the dumpster ... today i watched my neighbor take my old table home. it was good to see that!)

third, i never knew when i might find that "perfect dress" or that "perfect whatever" again ... i still have too little trust in the future. soooo of course i'm going to grab it, *now*!  but a houseful of clutter is ... not perfect, either!!  hooray there are so many places to donate stuff!

fourth, i grew up w/ depression-era parents so "use it up, wear it out, etc" as our motto.  if something broke or got stained, it was kept for the useful parts it still had.  with the oppressive upbringing i got, i grew up too afraid to stand up to that way of thinking ... til now.  i realize that at times i might through out something and later regret it, but now i realize that i can afford to replace it. ... it's amazing what i've found at good garage sales!

fifth, simply being too afraid of saying "no" to someone trying to sell me something i didn't need.  whether it was a shopping friend ("how can you not get those shoes? they are perfect for you!") or a salesperson ("you'd be a fool to not buy this incredible offer."), or even a grumpy sales person ("that is so not your color!" "fine, i'll take it!!") ... but i'm the shopper. now, if i'm having a bad day, i avoid people and places who push me to do their choices, not mine. on better days, i can ignore them and just buy whatever i truly choose to buy.

finally, now that i'm starting to be able to let go of some things, i've learned to just do a little bit at a time.  cuz if i do too much too fast, i will panic.

just some things that came to mind that might help others.

happy de-cluttering! =)

happy people don't leave nurturing, loving situations.

unhappy people go towards something that seems to give them what they need but aren't getting.

frankly, if my sister had come into the bathroom with me, or anyone had been grabbing at me ... i'd have resorted to yelling and screaming and calling them names, too!!!

that was out of control grabbing on their part!! no wonder poor amanda felt like she had to lose control and start yelling to be heard!!

+ get the *rest* of her family into intensive therapy and figure out what **drove** amanda out of her own home ...

+ **listen** to amanda like you care about her and her side

+ do *not* make her out to be the "problem" here!! clearly her family is seriously screwed up!! you can put her in all the special schools and etc you want ... but until you get her *family* sane and healthy, you mock her as a human being to "fix" her while the really screwed up ones are left free to hurt anyone else they choose to go after.

hang in there, amanda! we see through the cr*p! we are pulling for you!!

last week i realized that when my parents refused to ever apologize for the cruel things they did to me, their primary abuse target, they told my *and* my sibs the following:

*that i was not worth apologizing to
*that i deserved all the abuse ... and perhaps worst of all
*that i was the reason my parents were abusive, that there were problems in the family ... that in fact, ALL the bad things in the world were ""all my fault""

it has taken me years to get to where i am now ... finally realizing it was NOT my fault and nothing they continue to say or do will ever change that fact!  still, they both drove me to leave home at a very young age and then died before things could be made right between us.  my sibs continue the time-honored tradition of making me out to be the scapegoat and do all sorts of cruel things to me because ... that's what my parents taught them to do ... and they refuse to be honest about who's really at fault when parents are abusing young children.

grant ... when people around you mess up, it is NOT your fault! it is NOT a bad reflection on you! you do NOT have to feel any shame for it!  they are JUST being human! ... and that is actually a very good thing!

i'd suggest that whenever you find yourself criticizing anyone, as soon as you can go write down why you did that.  what all were you feeling?  >>what childhood incident(s) come to mind regarding the situation and your behavior?<<

i hope you are in counseling ... god knows that with all the messed up parents and etc in our world, many of us need some serious counseling!!

kelly, start speaking your mind. try using "i feel ____ when _____." statements.

both of you, start sandwiching your "concerns" in between true compliments.  cuz you guys are hurting so much, i'd say you have to say 3 nice things on the front and 4 on the back of each verbalized "concern".  also, think back to the sad times in your childhood ... you will both realize you are re-enacting whatever you haven't been able to yet heal from.  work on healing those issues with your counselors.

you can turn this around, but you will BOTH have to work at it.  remember ... your children love you both and are taking everything you guys say and do to each other to heart. like my situation, you could be sending your children messages you do NOT want them to get.  but, the good news is that they will be so quick to forgive you guys for anything you mess up at ... do remember to apologize to them and each other whenever you mess up.  remind them that you guys messing up is not their fault.  god bless you all.

it's so hard to say!  but here goes ... today it's like throwing a dart at the dartboard ... blindfolded!

my heart goes out to pat, steve and kim. it is hard to determine anyone's true *intent* by watching them on tv ...

i have one friend who also doesn't like who her daughter is dating. but, her ex is just awful! to this day he wishes my friend was dead and is sorry he's a father. his daughter has grown up watching him do whatever he can to make her and her mom's life miserable. her mom, my friend, has done a great job healing and dealing with everything ... but her daughter still hates her father and that's where my friend's concern about her dating habits comes from. so i have to admit that she's wise to be concerned ...

what if this daughter is just dating her guy to rebel against her controlling father? what if he's got a lot of issues, too, because that's all this daughter thinks she deserves in a boyfriend? 

but this isn't what i see happening here. steve seems to be a bit of a wuss (sorry, steve) who's picked pat as his fiance partly because she'll stand up to his mom for him. steve, why did you choose to come onto national tv to hash this out w/ your mom?  why not maybe meet w/ her minister (or another caring intermediary) and work things out in private?  i'm sorry if you felt that's what you had to do, but the next time some issue comes up between you, can you find that caring intermediary instead?  working through things this way seems like manipulative and shaming behavior, ... and, on air, you almost seemed to be enjoying the hard feelings between kim and your mom.  that is not good at all.

kim, why were you holding onto steve the so much time we saw you guys on tv? it looked like you were trying to physically pull him away from his mom.  ... that's part of the message communicated by that hanging on.  the other part of that is that you're saying you don't trust him and/or your relationship when you're not literally hanging onto him.  when you weren't holding onto him, you were leaning towards him.  he wasn't holding your hand, he wasn't leaning towards you ...  i understand the insecurity behind possessive behavior and  i know that no one's perfect, but none of us can find real happiness in life if we are looking for it in or from someone else. remember, you are not marrying just steve, you are marrying into his *whole family*, including his mom ... because that's just what marriage is all about.  remember, he and his mom might make peace between themselves even if you marry ... if your relationship w/ steve is based on you coming between the two of them, i guarantee you are not going to have much of a relationship when things are worked out between them. 

pat, watching our children make their own decisions is scary!  we imagine all sorts of bad things happening because of it!  empty nesting is scary! it's ok to be scared!! but you got to let him go. remember ... he will be closer to you when you let him live his own life than when you're trying to keep your hold on him.  that said, he might be making a terrible mistake and perhaps marry someone who is all wrong for him.  but if that's what he has to do in life to learn and grow, then that's what he'll have to do.  don't judge, don't try to pull him apart from her because he will just want her all the more if you do.  just keep telling him how much you love and trust him and believe in him.  good luck with this.

she is SO angry at him, he is SO angry at her!

she "wins" by "making" him do all the chores.

he "wins" by calling her names... and being the martyr who "has" to do all the cleaning.

the children are LOSING big time!!

jason reminds me of my ex: i could never do anything good enough for him and yeah, i finally got to where i also put a lot of the cleaning back on him because it was the only way, unconsciously, i felt i could safely let out all my anger at my ex's incredibly frightening temper.  it was like he had a gun, loaded, safety off, laying right there on the table for everyone to see.  we never knew what would "set him off" [when he'd choose to go ballistic], ... we lived in fear and yes, at the very end i stopped cleaning, too!! but that was because he valued his perfectly manicured lawn and his perfectly cleaned & organized house and his perfectly cleaned, perfectly well-behaved children and his trophy wife .... and finally i just couldn't do it anymore!!  but that was only the last few months of our marriage, before i left him for good, that i just stopped doing the vacuuming and dusting and etc.  i think it was finding out about all his affairs that pushed me over the edge. 

soooooo i seriously suggest both jason and terri make good use of their time in counseling ... because yeah, maybe a divorce is the best option here.... but , if they don't make their very best efforts to figure out how to stand up for themselves, they will probably just find themselves repeating this relationship mistake over and over and over again.  the faces will change, the dynamics will remain the same. 

and their children will PAY and SUFFER for it.

i wish them both the best.