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Messages By: mauclees

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December 2, 2005, 8:28 am CST

General Advice

Quote From: julia4copa

Dear Big Baby Girl, 

HAVE YOU TRIED TELLING YOUR MOM YOU NEED TO HAVE A FAMILY CONFERENCE WITH HER - YOU HAVE ISSUES.   I disagree with you on the amount of sleep  -  everyone is different .  Is it important to her that you keep your promises ?  Does she promise things that just isn't within her ability to come through on ?  Have you told her how her broken promises make you feel ?  Can you tell her without getting flack to wake up & drink some coffee you know how to take care of your personal hygiene - bath & hair. Talk honestly about your concerns to her.  Good Luck. 

you need to tell your mom loud and clear to stop treating youlike a pet dog. Washing your hair you at 14, not your fault, is a flat out bad idea. Don't let her do it, be persistent, if she washes your hair throw out all the shampoo in the house. And breaking promises, that other person was right, your both breaking promises, not all your fault, but be the leader here and be the first start keeping them and your mom will hopefully feel obligated to keep hers aswell.
 
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December 2, 2005, 8:38 am CST

Bullies

Quote From: nitehelen4

I have a 15-year-old son who is a freshman in high school. The other day he told me that there are some boys in his phys.ed. class and on the bus who "pick on him". When I asked him what they do, it turns out that they're trying to trip him and then they'll laugh, and while he's dressing for phys.ed. they will take one of his shoes and hide it, and just stupid stuff like that. I asked him if they insult him or call him names, etc., but he says they don't. He says it happens about every day. On one hand it really doesn't sound that severe to me and I'm really thankful that he actually TALKED to me about it. On the other hand, I feel like if it wasn't really bothering him, would he have even brought it up? His dad and I are divorced and I started crying after he left the other night to go to his dad's  because I wanted to go to school with him and PROTECT HIM, but I know he has to handle this on his own (unless it becomes severe). I tell him that they will soon get tired of it and move on, and I've also told him to not let on that it bothers him or makes him mad, or they'll keep doing it. HE actually told ME that he knows these boys are picking on him because they probably have low self-esteem and want to make themselves feel better. He's very intelligent and perceptive that way.  Does anybody else have any experience with this and maybe have some advice that I can give him? Thanks!!

He needs someone to teach him how to carry himself at school. If he can do that he will make friends/allies and the bully problem will fade away. He needs a positive and confident male role model, if his father can't teach him that then try and find someone who can. 

 
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December 2, 2005, 8:49 am CST

Getting Along With Your In-Laws

Quote From: jordynsmom

Hello, 

    This is my first time posting.  I am glad there is a place to read others stories and possibly gain some feedback for myself.  Can anyone help me? 

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year and we have a three month old. (I know!!)  I have been wanting him to ask me to marry him since the baby was born.  I feel ready for the social symbol of his committment to our family.  He has said he wants to, and for me to just be patient.  (Keep in mind he was married proir but it did not end badly and he has no other children.)  I am bocoming resentful as time goes on.  PLEASE tell me what you think about this: 

     We spent Thanksgiving dinner at his family.  During blessing, everyone was sharing what they were thankful for and I was supposed to go last.  When it was my turn his grandmother says, "Lets eat!" COMPLETELY forgetting about me.   

     Two weeks prior I had his mother introduce her son and her granddaughter to one of her friends...COMPLETELY forgetting about me.   

      I am now becoming extremely bitter and I feel that it is his fault.  Why does his family do this?  Is it his fault?  If we were married would they "forget" to introduce me?  Is it wrong of me to feel resentful? 

Please help me if you can, some words of encouragement are greatly needed. 

Thanks, 

Jordyns Mom 

  

  

His mother? Who cares what she thinks! Shes probably one of those mothers who doesn't like any woman taking her dear son away, she wouldn't like you no matter who you were. Problem is that may be a factor in why he doesn't want to marry you yet. I'd say just talk to her as much as you can, try and be friends, it'll be hard at first I know, but make sure she gets to know you and hopefully she'll grow to appreciate you.
 
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December 7, 2005, 8:23 am CST

Your Family Legacy

Quote From: ithicaone

I was given at birth to a women who suffered alot of emotional problems and was to say the least not maternal. All her friends seemed to be devorced black women like herself. There were no male role models for me until later in life. All of them had children and were just struggling to make it. I feel that I have inherited this struggle and have no idea how to suceed. And would not know how to deal if I did. I am currently the mother of two daughters and would hate to pass this on to them. Mind you I'm bipolar.

First of all, I doubt you have a genuine bipolar disorder, it's probably the circumstances of your life that are creating bipolar behaviour, there's a big difference between bipolar behaviour and bipolar disorder. Bad things and good things happen in your life and it all depends on which one your focusing on at a particular time. Even IF you do have bipolar disorder, don't use it as an excuse to bail out of certain responsibilities. 

  

You, on your own, can't substitute the male role model your kids need. It's a very tough situation your in, very tough, but for the sake of your kids you need to do everything you possibly can to find a positive male role model in their life, if you don't find one tomorrow, keep looking, if you don't find one this year, keep looking, don't give up. There ARE some good men out there, I know they're tough to find but they are out there. You must do everything in your power to find one and don't give up no matter what happens. I know you know all this, I'm just trying to tell you to keep working on it and don't give up, he's not going to fall threw the ceiling and onto your couch. Don't pick a man for you, pick the man for your kids (even if he's 800lbs with a bad comb-over and no job). You can't afford to be picky. 

  

In the meantime, the kids need to have a happy and confident mom. Don't let your emotions from previous experiences run the show (thankfully you already know that, but keep reminding yourself). If your up and down and all over the place the kids will pick up on this and mimic you as that's all they know. Hold your head up high and the kids will thrive from your confidence (even if you have to fake it). 

 
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December 7, 2005, 8:41 am CST

Getting Along With Your In-Laws

Quote From: jordynsmom

Thank you for your input.  I think that she does appreciate me, although only as Jordyns mom and not as his partner.  I try so hard to get along with the whole crazy family and when my efforts are rewarded with those actions I get angry and take it out on him.  Do you think they do it because subconciously they don't like me or don't think I am important?

This sounds exactly like my family. My mom is an outsider in the family and my dad doesn't stick up for her. They've been married for 24 years and it's only been in the last couple that my mom has gained any sought of foothold in the family circle. My grandmother is the "ringleader" and she does it with all her daughter-in-laws, not just my mom.  

  

I hope it doesn't take that long for it to improve for you, obviously your boyfriend isn't about to stand up for you in a hurry. Two years ago my mom cracked and she told her mother-in-law, very, very bluntly, about what she was feeling and the way the family treated her, and ever since things have started to improve. If trying to be friends doesn't work, maybe try to be blunt and tell them, calmly and respectfully, EXACTLY how you feel. Tell them you feel rejected by the family, tell them you feel ignored and ask why that is so. Maybe they simply haven't seen this from your point of view, and if they do they will become much more human. It worked for my mom, my grandmother has never been so apologetic in her life.  Maybe she's completely naive to your side of the story and completely unselfaware of herself.  

 
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December 7, 2005, 8:58 am CST

Getting Along With Your In-Laws

Quote From: xuberant22

I just got engaged last saturday. But before I asked my g/f if she would marry me and talked to her parents. Now im caucasian and she is vietnamese. Her dad's side of the family has a few white guys in it while her moms side of the family has no mixing of race in it. 

  

I asked her dad first and he seemed ok with it but wanted to sit down and talk with his wife and me at the same time.Ultimately she said I could under the following conditions. 

  

1. No marriage until college is done 

2. No moving out until college is done. 

  

I was fine with that. So the morning after I proposed to my g/f we were downstairs eating and her mother saw that she had on the ring. Her mom started raising her voice to my g/f saying stuff like. 

I dont want you to wear the ring to work, to school, or to any family functions. I was like what the hell????????.   Her mom tries to be very decietful by trying to make other family members think everything between cathy and I is proper. Well it isnt. I sleep over at her house in her room on the weekends and her parents are ok with it. Im sure they know that her daughter and I are sexually active. To me her mom is trying to play God by trying to control our lives. We (g/f and I) feel it would be beneficial for us to move in together before getting married so we can have the responsibility of taking care of something like that first instead of (what her mom wants us to do) get married then buy a house. We live in California and its alerady expensive enough just to live here. I dont think getting a house right off the bat is the best way to go. 

  

Also, they are Catholic. I am Christian. Her mom thinks she is hardcore Catholic but she doesnt follow any of the rules of the Catholic Church accept go to church on Saturday. 

She doesnt confess,she doesnt take communion. Her husband wasnt even Catholic when they got married and still isnt Catholic but goes to Catholic church with her. And yet she says we cant get married unless im Catholic. AHHHH!!!!!!!!   this lady has no clue about anything. 

  

So, what I did was talk to her younger sister(her moms younger sister) to see if she can knock some sense into her. 

  

If anyone has any suggestions ide appreciate it. Im at the point of telling her mom off. 

Yep, in-laws can be an absolute nightmare to deal with, how you deal with them is going to lay mostly on the shoulders of your girlfriend, unfortunately. 

  

Forget about what her mother thinks for starters, she's obviously completely out of touch with the real world and shouldn't be entitled to fresh air (my opinion). I don't know how much you like this girl, but geez, your only 24, keep that in mind, too. How badly do you want to marry her and how badly you want the approval of her mother is up to you.  

  

Now, this is what I would do. RUN!!! That's me though. I'd be gone like a bat out of hell. And if your girlfriend wants to follow you, then that's a bonus (I think she will follow you). RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! Don't get mixed up if this rubbish at 24. That's what I'd do, not stand for ANY of her mother's trash, by the sounds of it your g/f doesn't want to stand for it either. RUN!!! RUN!!! RUN!!!   

 

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