Messages By: chikara1

The emotional abuse that you have described can scar your soul. You said that "he chips away at my heart and sooner or later I am going to be dead in our relationship." It is a terrible thing to be dead in a relationship. There is also a tremendous risk that the same behavior that is now directed at you would also be directed at a child. Certainly no child should be exposed to such emotional abuse. 

There are direct services at no or little cost available in your home state. Please do not wait for your husband to get help, although I hope he does go. Based on what you said in your posting, I think your husband needs counseling for himself before he can even begin to be in couples therapy. It is also possible that your husband needs to see a medical doctor to analyze the longterm effects of his varied drug use. Both the drug use and the gambling are examples of, among other things, addictive behavior. 

Please, please at least get some help for yourself right away. Nobody's yelling should be breaking you to pieces. Below are some websites that list resources: 

Arizona: 

http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/states/azdv.shtml 

Emotional and Verbal Abuse information: 

http://www.troubledwith.com/stellent/groups/public/%5C@fotf_troubledwith/documents/articles/twi_029830.cfm?channel=Relationships&topic=Anger 

If you are a Christian and have conflicting feelings about scriptural authority, a helpful article called "The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages" is at: 

http://www.safeplaceministries.com/Emotional%20Abuse%20Article.htm 

Finally, please, please don't suggest to your husband that he might as well hit you because he just might. It is understandable for you to say that, and I realize that you are trying to describe to him how very hurt you are by his behavior, but please don't place yourself at risk that way. You already have enough risk from the emotional abuse.  

You have already taken an important first step by writing in to this message board. Keep up your strength and take another step. Help is out there for you, your husband, and for both of you together. I pray that he gets the necessary help because your description of him sounds like he has a wonderful side to him. If he can only get a handle on that "dark side" then the husband with all those wonderful qualities can be free. It would take time, good professional help, and real commitment but it can be done. I'm thinking about you - take care. 

What a perfectly wonderful show! I especially appreciated the story of David and his family. What really impressed me about the gifts for this special family is that the gifts are intended to help David realize his goal of supporting his family. The family vacation and the gifts for the children are a very nice added touch, but that David, with everything that he goes through on a daily basis, is still so committed to caring for his family is truly an example. 

I can't wait for David to get his internet-based business up and running because I know where I'll be ordering my coffee from. I only drink two cups per day, David (at the most), but yours is a business that I'd like to support.  

Best wishes to Gwen and David. I've been blessed to be called twice to donate bone marrow ( http://www.marrow.org/ ) and am registered as an organ donor. Donation is an amazing way to help other people through only the body that you've been blessed with. The joy that donation brings to the recipient is beyond words, even as the recipient knows that the cost was so great. 

And to Kathy, I'm so happy that the boost that you got from Dr. Phil has helped you to get a fresh start. I hope, especially during this holiday season, that, to the extent that each one of us is able,  we can reach into our hearts and help others who just need a boost. We can't all give the financial support of the Dr. Phil show, but sometimes all it takes is one person's few words of understanding, or even just understanding eye contact, to help someone else in ways we may never know. We just never know how our shared humanity can help another. 

Hi Tiffany. How are you today? It really is pretty unbelievable how your world can so completely crumble, isn't it? Until my baby died, I never knew that grief could be so overwhelming. Especially in those early days (that was really the whole first year, at least!), I also felt guilty the minute I realized that I'd had a "non-grief" moment. Eventually I realized that a person just can't "do" guilt twenty-four hours a day. 

Tiffany, it's just hard to get through this - there's just no easy way about it. My baby died in October. At the time, my other daughter was four. I went trick-or-treating with her preschool class. As I walked around, I was grateful beyond belief for having her and my son, then almost two. But, still, that does not make up for the loss.  

I walked around with these cute little kids in their costumes, and I couldn't stop myself from thinking how my little lost baby was never going to go trick-or-treating, never going to dress-up, and, you guessed it, I totally lost it. This preschool was on a college campus and I had to duck into some professor's office where I proceeded to just sob. I would have gone to a bathroom but (1) I didn't know where one was and (2) when that gush of tears started, it came complete with gulping, runny nose, and the need for big, old honking nose-blowing. It felt like it took forever before I could get myself under some semblance of control. When I think back on it, I seem to recall sometimes feeling like an idiot, and other times feeling practically combative - like, just let someone try and say something dumb now. Tiffany, in short, I was pretty much of a mess! 

Through those awful days, and because of the many people in my small town and elsewhere who comforted and shared their own stories with me, I've come to realize that we are all pretty much of a mess as we go through this tragedy. We all do it in our own way, we find our own sources of hope and encouragement, but the "crumbling world" is just part of it. It stinks, doesn't it! 

This past Friday, I went to my youngest daughter's choir concert in the school's chapel. Afterwards, I lit a candle for my baby. I thought I was okay, but my left hand started to tremble as I picked up the candle. As the pastor steadied the candle for me, he and I made eye contact and I just lost it right then and there. I started to cry and, luckily, I turned around right into the arms of my eldest daughter and husband. So we blocked the aisle, held each other for a bit, and then I pulled myself together and we cleared the aisle. 

So, Tiffany, as you get through these worst of days, know that you were the one who truly knew your baby's life. It is from that knowledge, I think, that such great pain comes. There is no question at all that fathers grieve just as deeply - so do siblings, grandparents, other family members, and friends. It is just different for each one of us. How can we measure grief and grieving? I don't think we can - it just is. The only thing that worked for me was to let myself feel my sorrow and not try to busy myself in an attempt to avoid feeling. By knowing and understanding my own sorrow, that gaping hole in my heart eventually became a safe harbor for my grief and my loss. 

Tiffany, I encourage you to check out this website: http://hygeia.org/ It is a terrific resource and its mission is to comfort those who have suffered pregnancy or newborn loss. Michael R. Berman, M.D. is an OBGYN in private practice and is with Yale University School of Medicine. The Hygeia Foundation provides a great deal of information and compassionate support. Dr. Berman has written volumes of poetry to and for his patients. That poetry is on the website and does help to comfort. 

I also urge you to check out the the National Stillbirth Alliance (NSA) at http://www.stillnomore.org/index.htm. There are resources and information about umbilical cord accidents. The OBGYN and medical advisor to the NSA, Jason Collins, M.D. is at the forefront of stillbirth research. I know you want some answers, especially because you want to get pregnant again.  

Tiffany, you take care of yourself and let other people take care of you, too. 

Hi Nader. You have your work cut out for you and you need to approach this in a way that makes sense to your parents. Usual "American" approaches like discussion between you and your parents likely will not work. You put it well - in Iran parents make the choices and kids follow them.  The way around this is to have an intermediary, preferably an Iranian-born adult, with some kind of status, who can talk to your parents. As you probably already know, the more you talk or argue with your parents about this, the more entrenched in their position they get. That is because the controversy between parent and child makes your parents even more aware of how "un-Iranian" you sound. So, here's what I suggest. 

If you are Muslim and your parents are affiliated with a local mosque, then talk to a women's leader/teacher, or to the wife of the imam or other leader. If there is no mosque affiliation, then contact the nearest Muslim Student Association.  

Their website is at: http://www.msa-natl.org/ 

The zonal representative for the western U.S. is Faisal Ghori. You can contact him at wzrep-usa@msa-national.org
Explain your situation and the MSA will put you in touch with people who can act as intermediaries with your parents. There are also individual MSA sites at California universities. You can access this information at http://www.msa-national.org/resources/msawebsites.html Some of the links are "dead" so browse through all of the California schools. 

You also need to have all your information in order. Your parents will want to know everything about the college and, especially about your living arrangement. It would be extremely helpful for other Iranian born doctors to talk to your parents. Go to the Iranian Graduate Student Association website and make contact with the representatives. Their site is at http://www-scf.usc.edu/~igsa/ You can also access contact information through the website for the Iranian/Persian Students Associations and Organizations website http://www.farsinet.com/isao/ There's a whole list of California links, including professors. 

Best of luck to you and don't forget to check out all the scholarships that are available. Talk to your college counselor at school but do a web search. If you're having trouble with this, let me know and I'll give you a few starting points. 

I'm sorry you misunderstood my posting. I made absolutely no assumptions about you and took your posting at face value. Your post sounded like you needed help. In your posing, you said: 

"How can I convince them to let me make my own choices in life? My family thinks that the United States is like Iran. Parents make choices, and kids follow them.Also, what surprises me the most is the fact that both my parents are educated and come from well-respected families. So, why are they being so unfair and misunderstanding about this? I'm almost out of high school. I don't have much time left till college." 

I deliberately did not tell you my life story, familiarity with Iranian and, more particularly, Muslim customs, and will not here. You sounded in need of help and my only intention was to present some possible resources. Clearly you do not need them. I'm glad you have wealth and powerful connections. Perhaps that will help you to achieve the dreams that you said you wish for. 

Indeed, my suggestions to you were entirely based on understanding your parents perspective, not criticizing it, but working with it in a respectful and considerate way. You will note that I put the words "un-Iranian" in quotes just like I put the word "American" in quotes. That was to make it clear that these are inexact terms, that words like "American values," "un-Iranian," "un-American" are general terms. I am very sorry if you thought otherwise. Best of luck to you. 

Good luck to you.  

I'd also like to see a show on Asperger's. One of my daughter's has a non-verbal learning disability (NVLD or NLD) and her best friend has Asperger's. Together, these two kids are an absolute riot! When I'm with them, I just listen in amazement to their conversations. Both kids have such heightened verbal skills, they know that they are so so literal, and then they go and play with literal meanings to a hilarious extent. It is so great that they found each other and it's terrific for us moms too because we know the other mother can help our own child to get over some of the confusion and humps of the nonverbal world of communication.  

Yes, both girls have, and have had their share of problems, especially the girl with Asperger's. And I know that Asperger's can manifest itself across a range of behaviors. But this girl is an amzing person, with so much to offer the world - she's insightful, artistic, caring, musical, has a tremendous connection with animals, and imaginative. Her mom has had to work extra hard to help her to understand social norms and cues. She has done an amazing job, all with so much love and tons of fun! It's a daily task to instruct her on nonverbal cues. My daughter doesn't have Asperger's but I've lived with the knowledge of her NVLD ever since the day she freaked out when I said that her brother's money was "burning a hole in his pocket."  

I'd like to see a show on Asperger's because the show reaches so many people. It is an opportunity to educate the public and reach people who may think something is not quite the same with their child as others. Perhaps more than anything else, Asperger's (and NVLD) can have a negative impact on a child's social integration and that needs to be addressed in schools and elsewhere. As a special education due process hearings officer and former special ed teacher, I've seen all too many kids who are not, but can readily be helped with information. 

Also, as Asperger's parents know, Asperger's is one syndrome in the PDD spectrum. I just came onto this board and have not read all the postings here (not even close) so please forgive me if I've repeated what others have said.