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Messages By: spayder
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March 9, 2006, 4:32 pm PST
 My husband and I have been together for 17 years and married for 10. We have 5 adult children between us but all are independantly living out of home now. (there are also 2 Grandchildren and another on the way, all his grandchildren). He has 3 daughters and they crave his love, acceptance and some attention.
He never thinks to ring them just to say hello; he never pops in to visit. If he does speak to them on the phone it's because I have dialled the number and if we get together as a family it's because I arrange it and cook all the food. But I am their Step-Mother. They have a Mother of their own. We have discussed this before and they have expressed their needs with him. It has been accepted by all that most of their problems come from having a Mother who was not there for them as most Mothers should be and this has hugely affected their self-esteem and future prospects due to her downgrading treatment of them, by her.
But I feel that if he made more effort and time that he could help that situation a little. He says that he is there for them for advice and helps them with loans etc, but I can't get him to see the emotional needs and he doesn't seem to know how to show it (he is the same with me).
I have been there for them over the years to try and make up for what their natural parents lacked, but it is not the same, they need it to be from a parent. As they are older now they do appreciate my efforts, but they still are starved of proper parental love.
He says "well that's just me" or "they are all adults now - they should know how to change things so that they can be the people they want to be". or "they know I'm always there for them"
How can I make him see that he could make such a difference in their lives if he just did a couple of small things? They just need someone to say "Sorry you had to go through that and none of it was your fault " (meaning the divorce). I did say that to the eldest one the other day and gave her a hug and she really appreciated it. But my husband is the type to not be told what to do, and when to do it and also finds it difficult to admit he could have done better, and difficult to express emotions.
I just keep telling them to try not to take it personally and that it's just your Dad and he does love you and that I put up with the lack of emtion from him too, but I know he loves me and he is really a good person.
The middle one is at a stand-off situation with him. She won't come to visit him because he doesn't go and visit her. And when I suggest he visit her he says "Why should I, she doesn't come and visit me" It's all so silly and very sad. It makes me think that I don't know who my husband is. I am so much the opposite. I visit and ring my adult children all the time and bake them biscuits for the cupboard and go with them to appointments if they need my support. I just don't get it!!
He has watched the Dr. Phil show on this subject at various times, but nothing changes. |
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March 13, 2006, 1:33 pm PST
Quote From: allhis My family has been through the same thing here to My husband as growing up was handed off to anyone.. but when we had children of our own the woman to whom he lived with could not accept the fact that he loved me and not her she was I guess you could say obsessed with him.. She even had us move on some ground so we would be close to her we did have any water at the time we were getting our water lines in as my husband was putting them in.. So me and my two children would go to her house to bath. but before I could bath I would have to scrub her kitchen floor on my hands and knees and my children had to watch me.. with her.. so when I stoped going down when she ws home she told my husband that If I was not gone to bath when she was not there then I did not need to bath at all..so I started calling my father in law to come get us..My husband has cut her completely out of our life. When we had our first child the happpiest day of our life she came to the hospital that same day and looked at me and my husband and told us that our baby should have never been born.. I am a little confused at your response. My problem is nothing to do with the ex-wife. It is to do with the children not having a Father (my husband) who openly shows love and emotional support to them. I wish men wouldn't find it so difficult to show love and support and visit their adult children more often. My family values are thie "Your Children are your Children until the day they take their Last Breath!!" But his values are "well they are adults now, we don't need to be so parental" - Well I agree with him to a point - but he takes it the other way and won't visit them. He expects them to come to visit him. And they need him to take an interest. Thanks for your response, but I think our stories are completely different.
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March 14, 2006, 3:07 pm PST
Quote From: faybian I'm npt quite sure what to do about this, if anything. My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years. His x-wife lives in anohter state with their 3 children. Recently the oldest boy broke the law and had to go to court. My husband drove to 4 hours to another state to be there for his son. Subsequently he's been back and this last time he fell asleep on the couch. He told me that he was tired and needed some sleep. He's going back again because of another court date and is planning to stay all night go to court the next day and then return home.
I have voiced my anger with him for making the choice to sleep there " Handle your business then get on down the road" and I have asked him not to sleep there because its not right. I've asked to accompany him on the trip, but he doesn't want to hurt her. He said to me " How would you feel if you were in her place?" It would seem to me that his son could use all the support he could get. He continues to ignore how I feel and I don't know what to do about it. I sympathize with how you are feeling. However, a successful marriage is based on trust. Weather you tell you him it's her you don't trust and not him, or not, you are still treating him as if you don't trust him, because he should be committed enough to you to walk away from any passes she may make. And if that's going to happen then it's going to happen. Better for you to learn of his infidelity now rather than later down the track.
I would suggest to show him how much you love him before he goes and let him know that you would be more comfortable if he stayed in a Motel as that is not going to affect his loyalty to his Son.
He is always going to have a connection with this woman for as long as he has children, so try not to beat yourself up about it. Either become involved and go with him, or make sure he knows how much you trust him. From that trust you will keep his love. Badger him about your concerns and you could push him away from you.
Everything happens for a reason and if he is going to fall back into her arms, there would be nothing you could do to stop it anyway, and it will only prove that he is not someone you would want to be with. I would advise you to try not to put your husband in a situation where he is the meat between the sandwich and pull him every which way, purely because of your concerns, which may be all in your imagination. which is not fair to him.
You only bring yourself down by being jealous. Hold your head up high, look after your mind and body both inside and out and treat yourself to something that improves your self esteem and keeps you too busy to worry about this issue. And his X-wife will soon hear about how confident you are in yourself and your relationship with him. And put yourself in his shoes. If you weren't doing anything unfaithful and he came to you with suspiscions about your faithfulnes toward him, would you like that? Be the same wife to him that you want him to be, as a husband, to you. And to be totally trusted is the ultimate in a relationship. |
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