Messages By: beth93

               Many people discuss how they desire to lose weight.  What people do not know what challenges a person can face once you reach the goal weight. 

               Like many people, I had others continually telling me that I needed to lose weight.  I lost 53 pounds via weight watchers.  I did not realize how many other issues would arise when I lost the weight.   I became more self-conscious as people paid more attention to me.  Now people make continual comments about  my clothes.  I have a small budget so purchasing clothes is tight.  I become so upset when people comment how I wear the same clothes over again regardless of mix and match outfits.  I literally cry my heart out inwardly.  My heart sinks and I feel like going into hiding again. 

            Since I lost the weight, my appetite has drastically shrunk.  My life does not revolve around food, and I am not hungry as often.  Sometimes I need to force myself to eat because I am not hungry.  As you can guess, I have lost weight.  CHallenging part is having people tell me that I need to gain weight.  Now I have the tug of war knowing how overweight I was previously and having people telling me that  I have lost too much  weight. 

  What hurts is people immediately saying, "Beth, you need to gain weight."  I feel like crying and feel angry.  I also feel hurt when they comment on wrinkles on my face.  As you imagine the wrinkles have become an issue.  I wish people would love the Elizabeth inside Not pay attention to my body.   

   I need to stop writing because I have begun and words cannot be expressed.  I am most of the tim, the type of person who holds feelings inward. 

Elizabeth 

Dr. Phil told Roberta that she desires her husband fill a void.  Dr. Phil says" Give yourself the love you wish you received."  Does anyone know what Phil means?  I wish he would explain what he means on the show. 

Beth 

               Dr. Phil says " Give yourself the love you wish you received." 

       Does anyone understand what Phil means?  I wish he would throughly 

       explain what he means on the show. 

               Elizabeth 

I appreciate someone caring to respond to my question about what phil means when he says to find the love you wish the love you wish you had received.  I have the question fot the person who ended the message by stating hope this helps. 

I am taking care of myself but feeling so unhappy.  I feel the void within myself knowing something is wrong.  I can feel okay taking care of myself and sometimes feel content being alone.  Being physically challenged without readily transportation, I am alone much.  I call others but they are too busy to return a call.  So talking to my Brittany Spaniel is the best companionship I have. Other times I feel lonely inside and lie down.   

I have read Self Matters only to feel more sorrow at times.  This weekend was the ultimate when I hurt myself out of anger.  My question becomes how does a person begin to love oneself (emotionally and spiritually...)?    How can I feel positive about myself even when I am angry? 

Beth 

             Nothing is wrong with relatives marrying each other.  They know the "true" heart of the person thy desire to become their life time partner. 

             The only problem occurs when people marrying without truly knowing the other person.  This challenge deals with giving yourself the love you wish you received.  Whatever they qualities they love in the other person, could be based upon those qualities filling a void. 

            Speaking of which does anyone understand what Phil means when he says you must love 

yourself emotionally and spiritually?  I asked myself this question after a hard weekend.  I had hurt myself via scratching myself when I became angry and upset with myself.  I feel the pain when I look at the wounds.  Hiding the outer wounds from others is hard.. especially  my male friend.  I know he would become upset if he saw the wounds. 

Beth 

                     Phil, 

                           I have been facing many personal issues recently.  I have been feeling depressed 

                      and some unfortunate situations have occurred. 

                              You have stated that " You need to give yourself the love you  

                                                                        wished you had received." 

                           PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT YOU MEAN BY THIS STATEMENT 

                           People tell me that I will feel love when I volunteer.  I do not feel such love 

                           when I volunteer.  I just feel okay, I have helped someone.  I help others as  

                           I would hope someone would help me. 

                         Thank you for reading! 

                            Your endless 

                           Sherlock Holmes Beth 

  People label me as having major depression.  I have the problem with the underdeveloped pineal gland never secreting the correct amount of melatonin regardless of time of year.  So I take Prozac which was helping. 

I took Depakote to prevent jerks and tremors.  My Neurologist wanted to take me off the Depakote to see if  I could function without it.  Apparently, Prozac is used to treat Turette Syndrome so he thinks Prozac should hault the jerks and tremors.   

Ever since he took me off the Depakote, I have been feeling down and have not been able to sleep.  Of course, having my 39th birthday and having mid-life crisis feelings does not help.  According to Leigh, I have all the symptoms from biological ticking and feeling lonely..of course being single never married makes things worse.  

 I have become increasingly angry and upset with myself.  This afternoon I cut myself with a safety pin when I was feeling very upset with myself.  it did not hurt.  Nobody will notice the cut.  Beside, nobody got hurt.  I have these intense feelings of self-anger and being upset with myself when I have kept things bottled up too long.  I keep reminding myself that things will get better.  This is only a cycle.  At least, I got a good night sleep taking Lunesta. 

Beth 

  Let's get real about the true issue regarding weight.  

         Sure genetics can be Part of the issue regarding obesity.  I was 51 pounds overweight.  I lost over the necessary amount via weight watchers.  As I lost the weight, I became bubbly.  The hard part was everyone noticed me more.I could no longer hide.  If I did not emotional eat, I would deal with what was wrong by not eating.    

         The issue has always been how I feel about myself.  The weight gain was the symptom.  

I felt like I needed to be thin  to gain love and acceptance.  I never felt like I mattered.  Everything was tied to fitting into a world that I could not.  The hurt and pain I was feeling resulted from my inability of not being able to handle the lack of acceptance relating to my disabilities.  Sure people laughed and belittled me because I was slower in doing things and lost my balance easily.  The issue was how I coped with what I was feeling.  I realized that losing the weight was a temporary bandaid that helped me feel good about myself.  

Now, I continually face the battle of how to deal with weight gain.  I panic if I gain weight.  I tell myself that the number on the scale is only a number.  When I have lost weight resulting from overexercise ( I walk given I cannot drive), people notice the weight loss.  They tell me that I need to gain weight.  Nobody knows what it feels like to become so angry because someone tells you that one needs to weigh 113 pounds.  I feel so angry that I must literally walk away.  

So, losing the weight did not solve the self-esteem issues I face.  Losing the weight  brought my self-esteem issues up to the Surface! 

SEA,