Messages By: beth93

We are trying to get Kenneth hospitalized. Doing the best   

we can! Liz, the situation is not as easy as hospital jumping  

and looking for Critical Care Centers.  

Kenneth’s pulse is 49. The hospital staff told us that Kenneth cannot be admitted until his pulse is under 45. I have spoken with this primary doctor. He has a cardiologist appointment depending  

Upon what happens. He is still doing tests. Working around   

Insurance coverage can be challenging.  

Kenneth is obviously at home being monitored. His apartment  

Manager and staff told me that they are checking up on him.   

Thank God!! Things are hard when he has no family in Texas.   

The closest family member lives in Louisiana.  

I was emotionally exhausted BEfore Kenneth’s critical situation. I  

was thrashing around inside.  I have become so upset and have scratched myself. I cut off callouses from my big toes. I did not get hurt. I keep telling myself that cutting and scratching is wrong, picking scabs is fine.    

Kenneth’s situation is so hard because Kenneth is my only   

True friend in Corpus Christi. I feel so helpless as I know God   

Can only heal Kenneth.  

I keep reminding myself to stay calm.  Since  body became  Physically and Emotional exhausted Thur - Sat.,  it shut itself down so I can get some rest. I decided to go veg while watching some television in bed.    I do not know what it is about watching   

television in bed that makes people sleepy.  

Good Night  Y'All!  

Beth   

Kenneth is doing better. I know when he feels better because he becomes so temperamental. He refused to take a blood pressure medication because he says it always makes him dizzy. I told him that he has taken the medication for years despite it making him feel dizzy. He fussed like heck.  

Then he asked me if it was Labor Day. He teased me that I was being difficult because I was forcing him to celebrate July 4th before Labor Day.   

When I told him not to keep giving me a hard time, he told me that I could take it. He said the dreaded,  

“You always seem to manage.” Ray Kiser, a former pastor and friend of mine, was the 1st person to say this to me. Now I get so upset and angry whenever someone tells me that I always seem to manage.  

I become so angry and think who do they think I am that they think I am invincible. I cannot handle every thing like people want me. I feel so upset that I feel like crying. I remind myself that Every Tear drop Is Self Pity. I just won’t allow myself to cry and feel self pity. People think that I am so tough and that I do not have needs.   

Thanks for letting me to vent!  

Beth  

         I had two months that have been like eating shoe leather!  

I just want to hide until all my challenging parts of myself to  

Go away! That is a small part of why I cut or scratch myself. 

I do not want to be me and live this way! 

        I wrote to Robin and Phil McGraw 2 times. I know they may never 

  Read my letters. I am just pulling on straws. I have been hospitalized even in San  

 Antonio Hospital. Nothing helps me. Sooner or later the pattern of 

 Hurting myself starts up again. What gets me sick is my primary doctor 

 Can not recommend a psychiatrists in Houston, San Antonio, or Dallas. 

 He had no success with patients he sent to various doctors in these areas. They cannot 

 even treat a friend son’s ADD and OCD. 

     I just feel like giving up. The fighter in me keeps me going. Everything I learned to 

succeed despite my disability is being tested. Sometimes I just get so tired of needing to be strong like Super Woman. 

Wrote this poem attempting what it feels like struggling alone. 

My Comforter, My Furry Friend 

Alone feeling 

Like an empty box. 

In a dark room 

Never Seeing people 

Only Hearing people 

Trying to break out  

Of Darkness 

Someone sees me. 

Nobody says Hello 

Nobody cares. 

Called my friend, 

My trusted dog -- Melody 

She listened to me 

And licked my face. 

Prayed to God that 

I would lie in bed 

Hearing the sound 

Of a loved one breathing. 

Feeling some peace 

As I heard my dog breathing. 

Wouldn’t be wonderful to have ROBIN McGraw hosting more of Dr. Phil’s program!  I often wonder what she thinks about things.