Messages By: liatsunami

Please everyone remember it is different when you have children and you need to think about the future now.  Is it going to be okay with you all when you have children and you feel all alone in taking care of them?   

I would love to go in and just sit while my husband plays into the wee hours but reality is, I have to get up around 6 in the morning with two little ones and if I don't want to be severely grouchy I need a good amount of sleep so just sitting while he plays isn't an option if I want to take good care of my children and my home.   

Hi.  I'm not one to go off the deep end about gaming - I do it myself and, when kept in perspective, I think it can be fun and even helpful in certain areas. 

However, I'm not sure I understand your attitude about having kids.  Remember, kids will model their concepts about male/female relationships by what they see growing up.  If you give them a father who routinely checks out of the family, you're giving them some really strange dynamics to pattern themselves after. 

They won't use adult thinking to rationalize this behavior -- it will be all they know.   

But I wasn't questioning your ability to parent.  Also, one of the most well adjusted kids and self confident kids I know is being raised by a single mom.  So it isn't a question of kids "needing" 2 parents.   

Maybe a better way to word it is that I think you're oversimplifying the situation.  You seem to think you'll be able to control when and how he does express interest in his kids, and that is almost never the case, especially when Dad is living in the same house.  At any point, your "right" to make decisions on behalf of the kids can be challenged by Dad...it isn't the same as being a single mom.  And you won't be able to resolve the conflict by telling him you're the primary caregiver, so his opinions don't matter as much.  He will not see it this way. 

my children will get plenty of love and affection from me, and eventually they will be old enough to understand  their father's lack of ability to manage children. 

This kind of gets back to my original  post.  Sure, they'll "understand" it conceptually, but during those younger years when they integrate the behaviors they see around them, this adult understanding doesn't mean that they will be able to examine their mindsets and pluck out all that is unhealthy -- when it's your own psyche, this is impossible to do. 

I don't mean to sound picky or overly-analytical!  I just react strongly when there are known serious issues in a relationship and people plow ahead and have kids, assuming somehow that everything will work out fine.   It rarely does, because there are too many "x" factors out there that have the potential to derail all your good intentions.   

This might be idealistic, but the single biggest choice a mother makes on behalf of her kids -- by far -- is who their father is.  And if you have significant questions about your boyfriend's parenting abilities, it strikes me as unfair to your future kids to not produce for them the best father you can find.