Messages By: leeekay

 
The one thing that a lot of people don't get is that an affair is a symptom, not a reason.  A symptom of what, is the question.  Both Tracey and Charles need to admit that they both have made mistakes.  I don't think either one of then have yet to have experienced (received or given) real love. 
Charles,  the one question you need to ask yourself is, "Why do I need and create chaos in my life".  Once you figure this out, you should be able to understand yourself better.  Much like me, I don't think that you were ever taught that temptation will be put smack dab right in front of your face everyday of your life.  Whether it's alcohol, drugs, video games or other woman, it is there.  And to have the self discipline to turn it down is what the word commitment means.  You didn't lack the commitment towards Tracey, you lacked the commitment (self discipline) towards yourself which ultimately leads to chaos.  However I am so excited for you because, if you choose to, you are really going to get what life is and what the word commitment really means.  There is no doubt that you love Tracey.  But to commit to love someone else so much that you want to make them happy instead of yourself, is the most rewarding kind of love you can have. One that you have not yet experienced.  Look at it as a goal to accomplish and you will end up respecting yourself which I doubt that you do now.   You will be able to go to sleep at night and really really rest.   Allow yourself to forgive yourself, but don't forget how messed up you might have been in the past.  This acknowledgment of your dysfunctions in the past should give you the self discipline to keep you on track.  It will be painful for you once you realize how you could have acted in such a way.  You may find years from now that you are embarrassed.  However, be proud of yourself for taking the steps that will allow you to spend the rest of your life truly knowing what happiness is.  Many people die not knowing or are to hard headed to change.    It may take some time but you will be OK. 

Tracey
You are in pain and angry and you should be allowed those feelings however,  you must forgive Charles.....no, you don't have to forget.  If you too are going to work this out, you can not hold this over his head.  Yes, he needs to change.  However if he does learn and you do not forgive him it won't work.  You will have to divorce him and you would be missing out on this new and wonderful man.  You deserve to experience what  committment is when it is given to you.  You need to ask yourself the same question I asked Charles.  Why does he need to create chaos in his life?  Where does this behavior stem from.  When you analyze this and learn about his young life, I thing this will help you understand him.
You also need to ask yourself, "What do I need to do to make myself happy".  Love yourself, you are a great woman. 

I wish you both the strength to get through this.

Dear Mary,

 

My heart went out to you.  I am a 45 year old successful woman who when younger, struggled with ADD, except back then, there was no such diagnosis.  I was labeled a struggling (distracted) student, and a child with a lot of energy. I still have ADD and always will throughout life however, I’ve learned strategies to cope and control it and with self discipline (I am still learning how to engage the self discipline portion of my brain) I have a successful career in the airline industry and am now in a successful relationship.  I am a mother of two great kids and although I wish I could have been a better mother by understanding my ADD earlier in life, they are both doing wellI am very proud of them.

 

Mary it is hard for others who don’t suffer from ADD to understand how our brains work.   I bet if you and I set down and talked, we could find several things in common concerning our ADD and things that we do to cope that are exactly the same.  How it physically hurts our brains to try to finish a long task…..so we find an excuse not to complete it.  And OH, the distraction factor.  Distraction is such a big part of our lives, it control everything that we do….or not do (unfinished chores, and either incomplete or not to full potential school assignments), to the point that we would rather take the consequences then finish our task. Most of all how this damages our self worth and not understanding, why if we are so smart and beautiful, we feel depressed and really have no direction.

 

Since you were just recently diagnosed you may not know several positive things about an ADD person. 

            The biggest is:          Most ADD people on the average have a higher IQ which

                                             makes them survivors.

            They are survivors:  Because of their intelligence, they eventually learn how to             

                                             work around their weakness and focus on their strengths.

 

           Most are extremely social :   These social skills make ADD people good at  dealing                           

                                                         with people and with schooling and training can

                                                         tailor these skill into any type of  business

                                                         career successfully.

                        

Your mission Mary is to find your strengths and focus on them.  Learn about yourself.  What makes you happy, and then take these things and search for a happiness that is right for you.  Takes trips to local business and take tours, job shadow individuals in a career that you may be interested in.  Most people would be glad to do this. Take SCUBA or yoga lessons if that interests you. Find that thing that gives you the same Adeline rush as drinking does right now, because must ADD people live off Adeline rushes.

 

Ya Ya….I know what you are saying and what you are thinking.  Remember you can’t fool me because I was you.  You are saying, “Yes, I can do that, ……when I get around to it”.  You and I both know your intention are always good but then the…..distraction is factored in.  The immediate “live in the now” feeling is so overwhelming that it is uncontrollable.  Your friends call and want you to “come out and play”.  There is a movie playing that you want to see.  “After all you have worked hard all week and deserve to have fun”.  You look for anyway to justify your distraction level.  Am I right?  I know……….believe me….I know.

 

You have to find a way to control and balance this distraction level.  But you can’t do this if you don’t think there is a problem.  On the show you said that you are normal….Oh how I wish I had a nickel for every time I said that, especially after I had just done something really stupid.  I believe my internal dialogue was “I’m not doing anything that any other teenage isn’t doing”.   Well I was wrong, but I didn’t learn this until I was much older.  I am hoping for you, that you see this much sooner in life and not waste as much time as I did on irrelevant things and relationship to fulfill the non-direction that I had.

 

You can control this Mary.  I know you can.  Do your research….read about ADD, if it is to hard to read without distraction, find a support group,  e-mail me if you have questions and I think you will find that you are not the only one out there that shares your feelings about life and how you handle it. 

 

One more thing.  “You must create your own opportunities for success”.  No one is going to hand you your life on a silver platter, in fact there are vultures out there that, if they see opportunity through your weakness, will seize the moment and steal your platter.  It happened to me time and time again.  Don’t let this happen to you, because you lack the self discipline and let something distract you. 

 

 

Successful and coping with ADD