Messages By: chalkie

Hello. 

My boyfriend broke up with me a month ago.  We had been dating a little over a year.  We started out the way every couple should.  We met online...emailed for two months before our first date.  We had marathon phone conversations and opened up to each other about everything.  By the time our first date came, we were already so comfortable with each other.  We had a great relationship.  We traveled together, shared the same sense of humor, spent time with each other's friends and families, and got to be so close and comfortable.  I was in love and convinced that I would marry him. (and that's a huge step for me) 

His reason for the break up was that we "didn't fit perfectly" whatever that means.   

After we broke up, he told me he had a girlfriend (after a week and a half!)  Now, the sensible part of me thinks that this reeks of a rebound.  Surely, after taking time like we did to get into a long relationship and knowing each other so well, he can't just have a new girlfriend and share the same feelings for her.  Or, he knew her before we broke up and was finally free to date her.  I convince myself that this won't last with her because he is pushing for intimacy so soon with her.  I know guys are problem solvers.  If they aren't getting sex, they find a way to.  I just hurt more than I thought possible, and while he is spending time with this new girl, I am miserable...and it's Christmas.  How can he move on so quickly?  How can he be with another girl and not think of all the memories he and I shared?  Doesn't he hurt like I do? 

I don't know what I'm looking for.  Validation maybe.  Someone to tell me what I'm thinking about this situation is right.  I can't even think of dating anyone else right now.  I can't downshift that fast and we shared so much, I can't imagine getting close to anyone else any time soon.  Any thoughts would be appreciated.  Thanks. 

Sounds to me like you need to give him an ultimatum.  Either he makes up his mind about what he wants from you, or leaves you the hell alone.  You don't deserve to be a guy's last minute phone call.  Believe me, I can empathize with you.  My boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago, and I just got a phone call from him last night.  I was the strong one too...no calling, no emailing.  But you have to ask yourself what you deserve.  Do you deserve this?  I don't think you can give him what he wants right now, as I don't think he even knows what he wants.  That's the hard thing to understand.  You can't fix him.  He needs to sort through whatever issues he has and want to change himself.  The only thing you can do is try to move on.  Keep busy.  DON'T answer the phone!  I know it's hard, but you deserve better.  You shouldn't be some guy's beck-and-call-girl and you don't have to be.  My thoughts are with you.

If a guy is not "that into" someone, then he should just be man enough to say it.  Even that phrase alone is better than no explanation at all.  Women need something they can accept so they can get closure on a relationship and to provide a woman with no explanation will leave her analyzing and questioning the entire relationship for months.  All it takes is a simple, honest reason and not only will women respect a man more for that, but it will make it easier for her to move on to someone better.