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Messages By: thecatlady
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December 31, 2006, 1:36 pm PST
 Hi to everyone out there-
So I've never belonged to a message board, or ever chatted with anyone on line before so I'm totally new to this but two days ago I learned my husband of 25 years has been looking at porn on the Internet. I am in total shock. I had to "trick' him into admitting it to me (I discovered the pages on his Google history TOTALLY by mistake) and of course he denied ever going to those sites. After two days of bringing it up and being suspicious because he wasn't doing much to convince me that he didn't, he finally spilled. At first, I didn't think this was going to be a big deal (is looking at a little porn going to kill anybody?) but then after I asked some questions and found out he's been doing it for a long time. Oh has my world changed in an instant.
I feel soooo dumb. I thought we had the "perfect" marriage. We never fight, are together 24/7 (we are retired), have always enjoyed being together, hanging out....best friends. This whole ordeal is so unreal. I would never have imagined him doing this. So many things to think about. Is this forgivable? (It doesn't seem like it right now). Looking at naked women who aren't me...seems awful wrong to me. Feels awful wrong to me. Geez, maybe if he would've said,
I'm in total shock and have no clue of what to do. We live in a small town, have only one car and we don't work. This leaves us together all the time in what feels like an incredibly small space and with no escape. I don't even think I can go to town with him and see people and pretend we are the "happy couple".
I have nowhere to go, no friends to talk to about this and feel like I'm going to loose it at any moment. Got about 4 hours sleep in the last couple of days. I'm mad, sad, and everything in between.
I feel like he's ruined everything for me. My idea of who he is. My idea of our life together, Does this mean a divorce? Seems a bit radical but the idea of living with this guy that isn't the guy I thought he was seems radical (and unhealthy). It's sooo not enough that he says he'll stop doing it. He did it, continued to do it, knowing it is wrong. He chose to do something he knew would hurt me and jeopardize our relationship. That says a whole lot. I'm rambling.....
Hope someone can give me some advice. |
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January 1, 2007, 8:13 pm PST
Quote From: kimikomine Hi and I am sorry you feel so horrible right now. I just picked up a really good book called "Pornified" by Pamel Paul. Its very good because it explains it in real terms,not glossed over. But right now you may be too mad and hurt to read, so when you are ready, ok?
I have been married only 6 years but in that time, my husband has looked at porn. I knew about it because shortly after we were married, I realized his usage and his plan is never to stop. He would probably cut it down a little if I am willing to give him sex, but I know, he is never going to stop. Your husband has been doing this for many years and its now that you found out. Well, I would consider myself lucky. Look at all the years you didn't have to battle the feelings you are feeling now????? You have actually b een spared. Consider yourself very lucky.
But now that you know, what do you want to do? Will he be able to admit he is lazy when it comes to his sexuality? Or that he has clumped himself into the nice, neat little package of denial that most men fall into? Since he is a man, he is only partially responsible. It seems to be a fact that men are kind of "simple" when it comes to this stuff.....they'll even admit it. Sex to guys is fun. If you think about it, if men were as sexually exploited and we were constantly bombarded with guys with cut abs, strong sculptured shoulders, tight butts, tight scrotum and perfect penis, wouldn't we be smiling too????????
This should'nt ruin your perception of him after all these years and all the things you shared together, but it has changed your views on him and on one of his choices, right ?? Men know this hurts women. HOw do you think he managed to hide it from you all this time?? He knew how to play it. Most men do. Women find out later and its too late because we have either married them or just lower our expectations but with that comes a loss of respect for them as well.
A Woman with high standards better keep her high standards focused on someone that she knows will not let her down....usually herself. A man will disappoint in this area most of the time. Sex to men does not mean love. It means sex. Sex to a woman mostly can imply feelings for that person. If a woman has sex with a guy and then realizes she doesn't really like him, she probably won't have sex with him and will seek a different partner. A man on the other hand, can screw a stranger and walk away, go home and have dinner with the wife and kids. Sex is different. We want men to feel about sex the same way we do and for some reason its just not happening. Some men, yes. Women need to stick together because most men will fall for this big money making business deal called porn.
I hope your 2007 is filled with answers to your hearts most precious question. Do you still love this man that has lied to you? Can he convince you that his lying was to protect you, not hurt you? It is up to you to tell him how you feel now and keep coming here because you might find some useful information. For whatever it is worth, try to have some fun tonite. Kimi Hi Kimi- Thanks for your reply and I can't believe I just typed a whole long thing back to you and hit something on the keyboard and lost it all. I'll try again....
Yes, I still love this man. He's been my partner for a very long time. And up until now, all has been well (at least that I know of). He is a kind and thoughtful person, has always treated me well..yadda yadda yadda. But do I love this new thing I've learned about him? No. I am trying to figure out how to get ok with all of this. I mean...what does it all mean? I realize only I can decide what is ok for me, but that's just it...I don't know. Sometimes I think, ok, he's not viewing that nasty hard core porn...he's just looking at pictures of some naked women. Then other times I think, why is he doing this, why does he want to do this. I think how disrespectful it is to me, how disrespectful it is to all women...and the thoughts go on. Am I just a friggin prude?
He admitted he's an addict. I was pretty surprised he admitted that. In answer to your question..does he put himself into the neat little package of denial...I think so. I asked him if he sees himself any different than those guys on Dr. Phi (we always watch the show together). He said he doesn't think he's like that because those guys spend all their time with online porn and are ignoring their wives in the marriage in other areas. He (my husband) is plugged in (which he is) and only does it (the porn thing) only a few times a week. Sounds like denial to me. What do you think?
I have asked him to leave for awhile so I can have some space to sort all of this out. He is in a panic that this is a deal breaker and the marriage is over. I told him the 24/7 thing is too stressful for me and I need some time. He says he'll go to counseling, stop doing it..whatever I want. He said all of this without me asking him. I know for sure he is sorry he got caught and would still be doing it if he didn't' get caught (he admitted all of this). So, do I ask him to read books, go to counseling..ask him to quit doing something he likes to do? I've got problems with this because I feel like the intent is wrong. What I mean by that is I want him to go to counseling if he believes he needs it. I want him to stop doing it because he wants to stop, not because he thinks I'm going to leave him if he doesn't. I also realize I'm in a dream world thinking that way. (I'm not totally clueless and realize men are from another friggin planet).
You talked about your husband and his porn issues. What's the outcome of that? What did you and/or are you doing?
I am a very strong, independent, educated woman who will survive this (altho it seems like an awful deep, dark, long hole I'm in right now with no end in sight). I just don't know if I'm making a bigger deal out of this than is necessary. I know only I can decide that...I know, I know...but I just don't know. Sounds a bit psycho doesn't it? I've been having trouble eating and sleeping and that too is having it's effects on my thinking.
Again, thank you for responding and I would like to hear more from you. Especially how you feel in your situation. Does everyone feel like I do? Or do I just need to suck it up and deal?
Oh, and yes, I do read and I will order the book right away. I'm just afraid of what I may learn.
All for now - the cat lady |
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January 2, 2007, 1:54 pm PST
Quote From: leedav Ok, heres my storyMy husband and I have been married for almost 3 yrs. We dated long distance. I knew that he watched porn but I thought that was b/c he didnt have sex readily available. After we were married, I discovered this about 8 months later (b/c of the long distance, we werent living together at first) I gave him an ultimatum and he said he would stop. Months later, I found he continued to do so. I talked to family about it and decided to make it work. Besides-thats what guys do, right? Then, it had gotten to the point that he wouldnt make a move on me. Of course, while watching porn, he was masturbating, too. If I would make a move, he would never turn me down, but he would hardly initiate it. He does it several times a week and feels that he has no problem. Last year, I gave him another ultimatum. He said that porn has been a part of his life since he was a teenager and he cant see giving it up. He also gave other excuses, like all guys do it, guys see sex as something visual, its not cheating, its not the same as having sex, it doesnt mean that Im not attracted to you. When he said that he would not give it up, I made plans to leave, only to find myself pregnant for the 2nd time. Again, b/c of the distance , Im too far away from my family and other support to just leave. So, for the last year, I just deal with it. Sometimes, Ill argue about it and sometimes, Ill just turn my head the other way. Just last week, he pulled up some pictures and movies in the evening around 6 or 7pm, while my daughter and I were still awake. Mind you, our computer is in the living room, so visible to both of us. I told him that if I ever see him doing this again or catch him pulling up his pants while we are walking in, I will report him to Social Services for exposing sexual material to my daughter. He has resorted to buying a laptop and since he has his own office, I think he does it at work, also. Im really thinking about leaving him this year. I think that will be his only wake up call. I am a Christian and this is against my belief but I cant expose this to my daughter. Any advice? Hi leeday-
Cat lady here. Just wanted to let you know that I know EXACTLY how you are feeling and that you are not alone. I'm sorry I can't give you any advice at all since I too am right in the middle of it. Altho I don't have children, I can only say if it were me, protecting the children is of course the number one priority and you right on target to do just that.
Again, I am so sorry for how this makes you feel. I know it helps me to know that I am not alone (altho I don't wish this feeling upon anyone)...just knowing others have the same feelings helps validate my own feelings and helps me when I feel like I'm just going coco bananas.
Sorry I cannot advise you in any other way but this message board seems to help so keep coming here. Knowledge is power.
Peace out - the cat lady |
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January 2, 2007, 3:49 pm PST
Quote From: thecatlady Hi leeday-
Cat lady here. Just wanted to let you know that I know EXACTLY how you are feeling and that you are not alone. I'm sorry I can't give you any advice at all since I too am right in the middle of it. Altho I don't have children, I can only say if it were me, protecting the children is of course the number one priority and you right on target to do just that.
Again, I am so sorry for how this makes you feel. I know it helps me to know that I am not alone (altho I don't wish this feeling upon anyone)...just knowing others have the same feelings helps validate my own feelings and helps me when I feel like I'm just going coco bananas.
Sorry I cannot advise you in any other way but this message board seems to help so keep coming here. Knowledge is power.
Peace out - the cat lady Hi leedav-
I just re-read your post and I wanted to let you know I found several things you said about what your husband said to be exactly what I am hearing. Hmmmm.
In the last couple of days (remember, my situation is new...I just learned about his porn viewing a few days ago), we have talked a lot. This I think is good news....at least I'm finding out what I need to know.
Your guy said stuff like, "it's just a visual thing, all guys do it, & it doesn't mean I'm not attracted to you". I have heard the exact same words from my husband of 25 yrs. in the last few days. Also, and very interesting to me....my husband also would always have sex with me if I initiated it but never initiated it to me. Hmmmmm. You said your husband also did/does this.
This makes me wonder. You see, I am trying to understand all of this and trying to decide if this porn viewing is a big deal or not. He says he uses the images to "get stimulated" and then of course masturbates. While we are discussing all of this, I'm thinking, "all guys masturbate and I'm ok with this" (I'm not saying you should or should not be ok with that...that is your choice only) but at any rate, I'm trying to sort out - if he masturbates regularly (because all men do), what's the big deal? Here's where the looking at other naked women comes in. It seems (to me) like cheating if he gets stimulation from looking at other women and then masturbates. He disagrees. He says it's just a way to get stimulated and that masturbation is a private thing. That the women don't mean anything...it's just the way to get going. Now, granted, my husband is 68 yrs old and maybe needs a bit more stimulation than say a 20 yr. old, BUT, I wonder why he doesn't come to me for that.....I'm 48 yrs. old so he's already got someone young, fit, etc. Hmmmm.
I don't know why I'm telling you this...only that there seems to be a pattern in what all these guys tell us. Is this part of being addicted? And/or is this just part of being a man? OR is this all just a bunch of crap to tell us women so that we will allow them to continue this? I just don't know. I just find the pattern interesting.
After our discussion today, I felt much better because my husband is actually a very willing spirit to make some changes. However, after hearing your husband's explanations/excuses - whatever you want to call it - I wonder. Are these just the words of an addict....are these just words to soothe us hurting wives?
Again, I share in your pain and I urge you to consider doing whatever you feel is necessary to protect your children because that of course is the first item at hand. Of course, you have to protect and take care of yourself as well so be sure to keep yourself high on the list. You seem to have been going thru this for sometime (as opposed to me where this is all new). Do we teach old dogs new tricks? If after a certain amount of time if there is no change, do you just keep doing what you're doing? A wise man we all know often says, how's that working for you?
Others on this message board can make much more sense and advise you more than I who is so new to this problem I can't begin to claim I know anything. But I do know your pain. And I do know that you must take care of those children's mother.
I look forward to hearing more from you. -The very hurt, confused and extremely tired cat lady. |
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January 2, 2007, 9:14 pm PST
Quote From: games132 I have had to deal with the same stuff that you all are talking about here. My husband has been looking at porn from magazines, to t.v., to computer for a very long time, we've been married for 21 years. He recently left me about 6 months ago now. I had asked him many times to not do that, because it was affecting our sex life seriously, and he said he would, but didn't. I would catch him up at 2, 3, whenever in the morning, (he claims he couldn't sleep), looking at pictures and masturbating his life away. I couldn't quite figure out what was so great about that, rather than being with his wife. It's really hurtful to see someone you love, spending more time on a computer giving a picture more attention, than you. Especially if you are deeply hurt, and they know it, and they still do it. I have a stubborn husband. He only thinks about himself in a lot of ways, which I have now realized after he's left me for the 2nd time in 3 years. I am a great wife, good lover, good mother, great friend too, and try to be the best person I can be to our family, and him, but he still isn't happy. Still is watching his porn, cheating on me, and claiming if I don't get hobbies or find a life for myself, that he cannot come back. All the while, he gambles and has a girlfriend from work, and goes out and does what he feels like doing, without trying to make our relationship better. I am getting counseling, to help our relationship, and help me better understand why I have put up with someone treating me this way. I have been very open to changing what he's wanted changed, been more sexual, tried to lose weight, none of it actually helped him be happier. So, I do understand men have this need to look at porn, I tried to be totally understanding about it and open to it, but eventually it just got worse and worse, and it deeply can affect a marriage. My husband got to a point where he could not get an erection anymore. I did not know if it was from maybe a hormonal imblance, or something else was physically wrong with him, or it was the porn that he would rather have, and was used to using to stimulate himself. He always also said I was extremely attractive to him, but he still felt he needed to continue his porn, He said most men do it, and nothing was wrong with it also. No matter how it affected us. That's why I feel he is very stubborn, and I'd say also very selfish. My marriage is probably pretty much over now, because of all of this. Men can be very self centered, and this is what I at least have learned for myself. I also read a lot about this on these boards and hear an awful lot about it everywhere and it is ruining marriages. I think if men need to do this, they should try to involve their wives with them, and not do it without them, without their permission. Otherwise it gets out of hand. It's like giving an obese person a bunch of candy. They cannot stop eating it when they love it. It is an addiction, and I feel my husband has an addictive personality, so for him it was too hard to stop, and he didn't want to. Otherwise, I do not think things would have gotten this bad, he would have saved his marriage, instead of doing what he did to destroy it. I felt we did have a good marriage. But, now there's almost nothing left. I hope you all can somehow get through this, and if your husband makes a choice to not stop, eventually it can totally ruin your lives, and just do not put up with it like I have. Thanks for listening. Any input is greatly appreciated. Hi-
You say your marriage is pretty much over from this. You say you are a great wife, good lover, good mother and great friend. Give someone other than this guy the chance to meet you and treat you as you should be treated...with dignity and respect.
Sounds like you've been doing all the work and this guy has been doing absolutely nothing but contributing toxins to your life and marriage. You obviously are a dedicated person and love(d) this man. Good girl for doing your part to participate but when things are this one sided...well you know...you can't change anyone. You have no control over anyone else...just yourself and from what you've described, this guy doesn't and isn't going to change. He doesn't sound like he's a willing spirit.
So, treat yourself well and as hard as it must be (and I can understand....21 years is a very long time)....loose this guy and move on. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
If your husband was willing to change his behavior, open and honestly...giving it more time and working on it would seem reasonable. But when you say he's left you twice in three years (when he's the one looking at porn), and he gambles, has a girlfriend (aren't you still married?), goes out and does whatever he feels like doing and tells you to get a life with some hobbies..... porn is only one chapter of this guy's problems. And it is HIS problems. Not yours.
Do yourself a favor...treat yourself to something better. Being alone has to be less painful than being with this guy.
Sorry to sound so mean but he seems to have treated you so badly....no one deserves that. I feel your pain and know it's scary after all you've been thru but remember...YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT.
-the cat lady |
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January 6, 2007, 11:57 am PST
Quote From: leedav I sat up in the living room last night b/c I knew my husband was watching porn. If I'm around, he'll turn it off. Sure enough, when I walk in, he's pulling up his pants. I've done this for the past 3 nights and he has been very frustrated and short with me. It's like I'm standing b/w him and the porn. I know that this is a sign of addiction. I just don't know what's left. I'm so tired of bringing up this issue to him and he thinks it's ok. Hi leedav-
I just read your post and I can't help but think and say...do something. This may not be what you want to hear (and I'm sorry if it isn't) but I'm going thru it too (you can see my original post of Dec 30th or 31st somewhere around in there) to hear my story.
I guess I'm lucky. Since my husband admitted it, he hasn't done it (and I know he hasn't cuz we are together 24/7 and has only used the computer to check his e-mail with me in the room at his request to prove/show he isn't doing it). Anyway, we've been talking and talking and talking for the last week now, trying to work on this and seems to me your husband isn't doing a damn thing to change/work on this and if he's still doing it right there with you around, seems he isn't too concerned about how you feel about this.
So, try to figure out what you want to happen and tell him. Do, something,,,don't just keep being hurt by this. If he responds to what you want to happen (i.e he's gonna stop, he's gonna go to counseling, he's going to read some books....whatever), evaluate his sincerity and watch his behavior. If he doesn't respond...do something else. Make a plan for yourself. Don't do nothing and continue to be unhappy.
I am sooo sorry to say what may appear to be mean. I can only say I know how you feel and while things here aren't fixed or great and I still don't know exactly what's going to happen here....at least I have decided that I will DO SOMETHING. I will not live my life unhappy.
My best to you and I hope you write more.
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January 6, 2007, 12:43 pm PST
Hi I've been reading and participating on this board for only about a week since that's when I found out about my husband looking at porn. I can't seem to locate my original post but it was something like Dec 28, 29 or 30th something like that if you want to hear my story.
Anyway, since then, we've talked and talked and talked but I am still so confused and wonder if anyone else feels like this...
Roxy, I read your post which outlined some specific advice and I found that to be very helpful. You said some things like "you can get thru this if he and you are willing spirits". My husband seems to be a willing spirit - has told me he only wants to use the computer when I am in the room to show me and prove to me he isn't looking at porn. He hasn't been a "lifetime porn user"...has been doing it for about the last 4 years, when we got Internet service at home.
What's going on with me is altho he seems willing to do all this stuff (without me asking), counseling if I want him to, he ordered the book "Pornified" to learn more about the addiction, etc., I can't help but feel like I'm never going to get over this. We've been married for 25 years and I feel like it can't ever be the same. The betrayal, the lying, How do I know if there is anything else bad going on in the marriage? I mean, he says not, but how am I ever going to really believe him? Everything I knew to be true is questionable now.
So, as you asked in the other post, about the willingness to forgive....the willingness to let go...all that stuff. I just don't know. I don't want this to be a life sentence but I don't want to be a sucker either.
I also have this issue with the idea that the viewing of porn and then masturbating is cheating. Does anyone else feel like it's cheating? Obviously the lying and hiding it are HUGE issues but aside from that, does anyone feel like it's cheating?
After reading so many posts of wives that have husbands that won't talk to them, won't become engaged in trying to fix things, etc. etc. I feel a bit guilty for whining about my situation since it appears my husband is truly sorry and wants to fix this. BUT, I still feel like crap and am having trouble moving along. I don't want to get sucked into thinking everything can be fixed and we can go on with our perfect life just because that's what I WANT it to be like. In other words, wishful thinking.
I hope someone has some insight to this. I could use the help. My brain is so tired from all this thinking. ....
Thank you in advance to any and all who responds to this.
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January 7, 2007, 11:58 am PST
Roxy and jljs53-
Thank you sooo much for your posts. Sharing your stories with me really helped today.
Roxy, it seems like our situations are similar. My husband was just looking at images, nothing hard core and yucky and no web cam or other stuff like that. Also he says he sometimes masturbates after looking. He is older (68) and says looking helped him get stimulated as the age thing is starting to take effect. (I believe this as I am sure it's different for a guy of 20 yrs. old vs. a guy of 68 yrs. old). I also am sympathetic to what this "loss of drive" must to to the male psyche.
Your words of about regaining trust, taking my time to do so, all of that was so very helpful and gives me so much hope. It seems so wrong to bail on this man that has done nothing else wrong in or marriage over all these years. But as I said yesterday, sometimes the hurt prevents me from thinking it can ever be fixed. Again, hearing from you that it can be repaired has made today worth waking up. Thank you so much.
You said something in the beginning of your post that I would like to ask you further about. That is the counseling and user/abuser/addict statement. As I said, he is willing to go to counseling. And you suggested that this is a good thing to do to determine whether he's a user/abuser/addict. We live in a very small town so wouldn't even think of going to counseling here. Also, how does one find a counselor that has experience with this type of thing - porn and addiction. This is very important to us because we believe (because of past experiences with other medical issues) that doctors are like mechanics...some are good and some are not. Wouldn't want to drive 3 hours to a big city to meet with some yahoo that doesn't have a clue. Any suggestions there? A side note but related...my husband just ordered the book by Dr. Kevin B. Skinner PhD. about porn recovery...I thought that was a good sign.
About user/abuser/addict...during our discussions we talked about this. I only say he's an "addict" because I asked him if he was addicted. His response was yes in that he did it 2-3 x a week. AND because he would plan when he could do it (i.e. when I was downstairs watching a movie or something). So based on that, we sort of came up with that he's addicted. Now, having said that, he also says he does not sit around thinking about "when is the next time I can look at porn" or "I can't wait until the next time I can look". So, I wonder, do you think he's a user vs. an addict? I realize you aren't a doctor...just looking for your opinion. Really, in the big picture and after reading all these posts, he really isn't too far into this thing....I mean, it certainly could be worse.
One more thing. About the cheating. I too have no issues with masturbation in and of itself. I don't think it's a bad thing. I think all guys do this (whether they are married or not) and I have never had issues with this. But, now that it's associated with looking at porn and then doing that (which again, he says he did sometimes), I do feel like he's cheated. When we first started talking about it, he said he didn't think it was cheating. After a few days explaining how I feel, he now also sees it as cheating. I guess you and I are on the same page about this. I don't think everyone has to feel like this...it's just good to hear someone else feels the same way. It helps to know I'm not coco bananas.
Jljs53- Thanks for your suggestions on the Dr, Patrick Carnes books...we will check it out. And thank you for sharing your story with me.
I am grateful to you both for responding to my post and I will continue to visit the board for support. It is all I have and today is a better day. Thank you so much. I look forward to more input from everyone. |
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January 8, 2007, 10:17 am PST
Cat lady here....
Thanks for the replies...you guys are awesome. Your words continue to give me hope and yes Roxy, you answered my questions, thank you.
Both of you, thanx for the tips on the counseling search...I will see what I can do. Our town of 3,000 is hardly the place to look and we definitely need it to be someone experienced in this specific type of issue.
Jiljs, I appreciate your input as to whether you felt cheated on and when I posed this question, I never meant for others to begin a "debate" about this. I simply need to hear from others how they feel. As you know, your brain gets twisted after so many long hours of thinking about all of this stuff. Thank you for the validation.
Do you guys (and anyone else), feel like the hurt/process, whatever you want to call it, comes and goes in waves? I mean, like yesterday, I had a fairly good day. Today, not so good. Is this how anyone else who has or is going thru it feels?
Thank god for this message board.... Out - the cat lady
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January 8, 2007, 10:33 am PST
Im Jeff:
I just read your post to leedav. First, I want to thank you for coming to this board and sharing your story. It helps to hear stuff from a man that isn't my husband (and is in recovery).
Second, I thought your post to leedav was very thoughtful, honest and on target...I hope this helps her.
Third, talk to me about recovery. Do you feel like you can ever recover? Is it like alcohol where you want to do it but know you shouldn't? Will the "want to do it" ever go away? And what I mean about "want to do it" isn't want to have sex, but want to look at the porn.
Are you in counseling? I thought it interesting about the advice to leedav about telling him to leave. The reason is that when I first found out about my husband (only about a week ago), of course his first reaction was to try to lie, cover it up, etc. After two days of repeat questions and me saying, "Just tell me the truth...lying is a big deal but a little porn isn't going to hurt anyone". I also said, you've done nothing else wrong in this marriage, a little lie isn't going to be a life sentence". So, he spilled. Now, at the time I said these words, I really did believe what I said. I didn't actually say those things to "trick" him into telling me. I actually thought he only did it once or twice and he was just embarrassed to tell me.
Well, after he spilled, (and I am going somewhere with this), I found out it was 2-3 times a week for the last 4 years - DIFFERENT STORY! Now, the idea of "a little porn isn't going to hurt anyone" was no longer in my thought process.
So, here's where I find what you said to leedav interesting. After he spilled and we began talking, I felt really guilty that I "tricked" him into telling me. And I questioned him about that. I asked did he feel tricked, did he wish he never told me, etc. His answer was, he was glad it's all out and he feels like this was an intervention. A "scared straight" type thing (his words).
So, your advice to leedav about either leaving or getting divorce papers was sort of like that. Perhaps the shock of the reality that she might actually do it will help him "get it".
Anyway, thanks again for your participation on this board and I hope you will reply to my questions about recovery.
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