Messages By: jueight

Ok, I have just a few questions.  The first is why in the H are those kids in this house and not with grandma at grandmas house.  The second is just a comment-Looks like the boy got his Mommy to come to the house and here is the question.  Why was Mommy brought to the house in the first place when obviously she is biased.  Sensationalism?!!!  Send Grandma (Mommy) to Disney Land with the kids because that would be more beneficial and if you are going to have one Mommy there the other Mommy should be there too!!!  Why haven't some ground rules been set down like no baggering each other.  "Why won't you answer the boyfriends call, Why won't you answer the boyfriends call", yadda, yadda, yadda!!!  How can the husband say he loves his wife and wants the marriage to work when he obviouly doesn't like himself or have any respect for himself?!  Maybe if he talked to his wife as much as he talks to his Mommy they wouldn't be in the situation they are.  OK, OK, unfair statement but I do not understand the logic behind MOMMY being there.  For the kids???  Paleeeeeeeeese!  Ok, the wife is guilty of being a pathelogical liar but I want to know how it came to that in their marriage.  I see what it has turned into but how did it get there.  What started it all?  Nagging, bad sex, lack of imagination, lack of self respect, lack of empathy, lack of communication, lack of not feeling number one, lack of being raised by a male or female that has good character and traits, etc. etc. etc.?  Come on wife, talk to the boyfriend in front of him if that will help make him feel more of a man and get it over with.  Then we won't have to listen to him baggering you over and over and over and then he will have to find something else to do unless both of you aren't happy unless you are fighting or complaining about something.  Met many a couple who fit that description and pretty soon people get bored of listening to you and turn the station.  I always been under the impression that people who have done their very best to work on their marriage don't have to look elsewhere to feel loved or needed.  Some have affairs and some spend money and some drink and some just give up because they get exhausted trying to get their mate to participate in a positive way in the marriage and when the marriage gets as bad as this has they can't see the forrest for the trees.  They don't ask why, they just accuse and yell and cause more chaos but they never look within to really find out what caused it all.  That is just sad, just sad that we go around blaming everyone but ourselves.  Have we all become that lazy?  I guess the divorce rate answers that question. 

I just submitted my message of how I was feeling about the show today and the previous shows.  I have no idea if Todd or Jessica read any of these messages.  I know I read alot of them and there is alot to read.  There just isn't any easy answer to any of this.  If you do read them you must by now wondering what in the world you need to do next and what a mess you have going in front of millions.  What I hope you do next is take a deep breath and take some time to be still.  Both of you are being slammed every which way because you have an audience of many different opinions about what you have done wrong.  Not one of us in the audience are experts or have the answers, just feelings and what I would hate to see happen is that our feelings become yours.  Each one of you has to do what you need to do to make each one of you whole and that has to be your choice as what that is.  Maybe it is working to heal the marriage.  Maybe that is separation.  Maybe it is divorce.  Nobody needs to be thrown to the wolves here.   The only thing I do know for sure is that both of your children, Todd yours, Jessica yours, need a decision that has integrity to it and they need it soon.  Jessica, you have been accused of being a heartless mom and step-mom.  I can't accuse you of that because I am not in your head to see what has transpired in your life, I haven't walked in your shoes.  If you need to fix that, then more power to you.  I encourage you all the way to give yourself the chance to be the person you want to be and I can not believe any women would chose to be unemotional about any child.  They have labled you manipulative, selfish, etc. and all any of us can hope that you can one day be honest with yourself and love yourself enough to get the help you need to be able to look in the mirror and be proud of who and what you are.  Todd my man, you are drowning and you need to fight your way to the surface.  There isn't one of us out here that needs to tell you when you aren't being your best.  You know what you need to fix.  I encourage you also to start feeling good about yourself and who you are and what you have to offer another person.  If you don't know those things then you need to find the help that will bring out what is hidden right now deep inside you.  You two have one thing in common.  You both want to be loved and needed.  To be appreciated and admired.  To be treated with integrity because you both deserve that in your lives.  I guess you have more than one thing in common.  But you don't start with the other person.  Jessica, you start with Jessica and Todd works on Todd.  It is not your right or duty to work on the other person in the relationship but I am not telling you anything you don't already know.  You two are not stupid.  You both have the intelligence to work you way out of this mess.  You just need to regroup and get your priorities or as the saying goes, all your ducks in a row.  What a gift to yourselves, each other and more importantly, to your children.  Ya know, we send our kids to school and tell them to behave and get along with everyone, respect your elders etc. and most of us don't practice that at home or outside the home.  I wish you the very best.  I am not giving up on you.  Will you please do me one favor and I know I have no right to ask, but the grandma in me just has to.  When you both feel like you need to vent on each other, take a deep breath and go find your kids and give them a big hug and sit them down and tell them how important they are to you.  Tell them what it would be like to be without them.  Tell them what they bring to your life.  Doesn't cost a thing but man does it enrich your life as well as theirs. 

 I am hoping I get feedback from this.  My son passed away the first part of this year.  He had been drinking at a friends apartment and the friend got tired and went to bed.  My son lit a cigarette and fell asleep on the couch and the obvious happened.  The burns went from his neck on down past his genitals, down both arms and hands.  They were third degree and worse.  I was home with a very bad case of the flu when I got the call from my daughter in tears.  Since he was not married I was the one that had to give permission for all of his medical care.  I could not go to see him because of having the flu which got worse from the stress.  It was on a Friday 3 weeks after being in the hospital and having 2 skin graft surgeries that he took a turn for the worse and passed away.  I was just getting well enough to go see him when this happened.  He was kept in a comatose state for the duration because he kept fighting the tubes so they told me he would not have known I was there but I wish I could have gone to see him none the less but  his Doctors advised against it.  During this time I received a card from my brother and his wife.  One that is supposed to cheer you up and let you know that they care.  They live half hour from me.  Their son and their daughter and her husband  live a half hour from me, in different areas.  I did not get a phone call or a card from either.  I am very good to these kids and my brother and sister-in-law as far as gifts etc.  We get together for holidays and get along great.  But there was no phone call and there was no card.  My daughter brought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers from her company she works for because she felt so bad that not one person in our family acknowledged my son's, her brother's death.  A birthday party for the son and daughter of my brother and his wife was already scheduled for the following Sunday after my son's death and they decided to go on with it.  I did not go.  My daughter did and not one word of condolence was said to her until they were ready to leave the party and my niece's husband said how sorry he was about her brother.  Not one hug, not one word from these people who call themselves family.  I had lost a son but my daughter had lost the only brother she had and that has got to be a very lonely feeling.  My son and I were not that close and he did not have much to do with the family but regardless, he was still my son and whether they liked him or knew him well, they know me and they know my daughter.  My aunt from Idaho called and I just blubbered the whole time on the phone with her and told her how great it was to hear from a family member and complained to her about the family that lives a half hour from me.  She called me back a week later to see if I was doing ok and I thanked her again and told her how wonderful it was that she called and that I was doing better.  My uncle in Las Vegas e-mailed me back and his son who also lives there who we never hear from sent me e-mails every day to see how I was and also e-mailed my daughter the same,  but not one phone call, not one e-mail, not one word from the family that lives a half hour from me.  I cannot describe the feeling that comes over you when you have gone thru life thinking you are important to certain people and the rug so to speak gets pulled out from underneath you.  It hurts and I mean it hurts badly, it is devastating, it is a lonely feeling, and I wish it on no one.  I actually think I was in shock and maybe still am.  If that had happened to this brother and his wife or if their children had their own children, and I had heared that they had lost a child I would have been at their house in a heart beat to do whatever, make coffee, pray with them, be silent, talk, or just leave them alone, whatever they needed they would have.  Don't take that the wrong way, I am not better than anyone else, I am just built that way.  I had made this niece a set of placemats for her birthday and I finally got them over to my brother and his wife because my niece and her husband work odd hours and I never heard back from the niece for weeks and weeks.  In fact, she just called 3 days ago to thank me for them and I could hardly talk to her and made an excuse that I had to go.  My sister-in-law always does the Easter dinner and I told my daughter that I could not be around these people.  So her husbands family extended an invitation to us and we not only had a lovely dinner but also a birthday party for my daughter with cake and gifts.  She did get a card from my brother and his wife but not a phone call, not one e-mail, not one card from the cousins  who live a half hour from them but she took the time to go to their birthday party after he brother passed away the week before.  Now this Sunday they want to celebrate Father's Day, a week later than the actual Father's Day and my birthday.  You see, I do July 4th.  We each host a holiday so that no one person in the "family" does it all.  I cancelled July 4th which is when they would bring me my birthday gifts.  I can't believe these people would even think I would want to celebrate my birthday when half of them ignored my daughter's.  I don't want to see these people.  I am not going.  Something I did not mention.  When my daughter called my brother to let him know about the memorial for my son my brother did not even give his wife the message and I get an e-mail from her wanting to know when the memorial is!  You see, my son was gay.  No, that is not why we were not close.  He had had the same significant other for 10 years.  The memorial was held in a pub where he and his friends would gather.  It was a great memorial.  I got so many hugs and met so many nice people.  I have never been treated so graciously.  The more I cried, the more they held me.  I had always wished that my son had done more with the "family" but it was that day that I realized he had done lots with family.  His family.  The people who accepted him and loved him for who and what he was and a mother can not ask any more than that for her son.  He had had a blast!  I am only guessing that that is the reason my brother did not share the information about the memorial with his wife.  The feedback I am hoping to get from any of you who have so kindly read this is what your feelings would be toward this "family".   I know eventually I will have to get over this hurt that has left me - gees, I can't find a word for it.  But I am hurt more than angry.  And why haven't I confronted them?  I don't know, I just don't know.  I really could use your help.  Thanks.  Oh, just thought of one more comment.  The son of my brother and his wife is very much a christian.  He even has 2 other men in the church that he sings with as a trio.  They even make CDs for the holidays.  But I did not receive one phone call, or one e-mail, or one card, or a visit to sit and pray with me from this nephew, who lives a half hour from me. 

I would appreciate it if you could read a message posted on June l6th entitled "principles".  I know it is a long message but some really good advice is needed even if certain occassions in the message have come and gone.  I know it is a big favor to ask but I would be so grateful.  Thank you.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and for your honesty.  At least someone else agrees with me about them being insensitive.  I thought it was just me being too sensitive.  Again, thank you. 

Thank you for replying.  Thank you for your condolences.  My extended family are not strict christians except for their son, my nephew.  His Mom, my sister-in-law, goes to the same church her son attends but the rest, my brother, their daughter and husband do not attend regularly.   Thank you for your honesty and you are right about the relationship is over if I do not confront them about my feelings.  It is like I have said to the grandson, when you love someone, you should be able to ask the hard questions and keep asking until you get to the truth.  I think in a way that is what has been the problem is not feeling the family kind of love from them that I thought was there and maybe being afraid to get to the truth.  But I have never been a quitter and I don't plan on starting now.  Again, thank you.  Your reply has really helped.