Hi, I'm hoping for some advice. I'm 31 and married 4 months ago now. I was in total shock and disbelief that my family did not close ranks around me to congratulate me for being engaged almost two years ago that I did not invite them to my wedding. My father had spread the news to the rest of his family that I was engaged, but included, “don’t call her” to my family, which I heard from my grandmother who followed his instruction. When confronting my father on this, his response was, “well, she’s a big girl, she can do what she wants.” Instead of being excited for ME my father explains that I should actually feel sorry for my sister who’s 5 years older than me and called him crying that it should be her getting married and not me. As you can imagine, I have a love/hate relationship with my sister as she has flirted with my dates in front of me, and manages to take focus and attention from me onto her whenever we are in a family setting.
I have distanced myself from my entire family and am working with a counselor to break out of my family expectation and box of how they believe I should live my life. Here’s my dilemma, I am now pregnant and on some level still want my family active in my life, but am deathly afraid of their reaction. I feel much like a kicked dog around them, crouching over, trying to protect myself, just waiting for the next blow. Part of me just wants to say, “To hell with you,” you add very little positive benefit to my life, rather are a negative drain and hindrance. But then there’s a small part of me that still has that hope and optimism of a supportive and loving family unit one day. Past precedence is that I will be belittled, and made a joke of by my family. I can just hear it now, “oh, you poor girl, who withdrew from medical school to get married and have a child. What were you thinking? Your sister should be where you’re at. She’s the older one.” Growing up I was never asked what I wanted, or desired. I was TOLD what to think, want, and desire. Now that I’m older, these past few years, I’ve begun to break away from the family mold, and say, “wait a minute, I have a voice, this is what I think, and this is what I want in MY life.” The response from my family to that has been cold as ice. If you don’t agree with “the family” they outcast you. When this transition for myself first started, relatives started to say they’d called me but I never returned the phone calls. Yet, all of that was untrue. They never called me, let alone left messages. I’d hear later, “oh, the whole family went up to Tahoe this weekend.” Was an invite ever passed to me? Of course not.
How to get to the point where my family wants to be a part of my life? Instead of me always scurrying about to meet their expectations and meet their needs. No one but me seems to care about my needs, and I’m making sure they are met first. Besides my husband and his family, making that choice, although a positive choice, has been very lonely. Growing up without a mother or father and knowing they're still alive, is rather painful and unnerving.
