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Messages By: smiles724

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January 24, 2007, 10:43 am CST

Growing up alone

Hi, I'm hoping for some advice.  I'm 31 and married 4 months ago now.  I was in total shock and disbelief that my family did not close ranks around me to congratulate me for being engaged almost two years ago that I did not invite them to my wedding.  My father had spread the news to the rest of his family that I was engaged, but included, “don’t call her” to my family, which I heard from my grandmother who followed his instruction.  When confronting my father on this, his response was, “well, she’s a big girl, she can do what she wants.”  Instead of being excited for ME my father explains that I should actually feel sorry for my sister who’s 5 years older than me and called him crying that it should be her getting married and not me.  As you can imagine, I have a love/hate relationship with my sister as she has flirted with my dates in front of me, and manages to take focus and attention from me onto her whenever we are in a family setting.

 

I have distanced myself from my entire family and am working with a counselor to break out of my family expectation and box of how they believe I should live my life.  Here’s my dilemma, I am now pregnant and on some level still want my family active in my life, but am deathly afraid of their reaction.  I feel much like a kicked dog around them, crouching over, trying to protect myself, just waiting for the next blow.  Part of me just wants to say, “To hell with you,” you add very little positive benefit to my life, rather are a negative drain and hindrance.  But then there’s a small part of me that still has that hope and optimism of a supportive and loving family unit one day.  Past precedence is that I will be belittled, and made a joke of by my family.  I can just hear it now, “oh, you poor girl, who withdrew from medical school to get married and have a child.  What were you thinking?  Your sister should be where you’re at.  She’s the older one.”  Growing up I was never asked what I wanted, or desired.  I was TOLD what to think, want, and desire.  Now that I’m older, these past few years, I’ve begun to break away from the family mold, and say, “wait a minute, I have a voice, this is what I think, and this is what I want in MY life.”  The response from my family to that has been cold as ice.  If you don’t agree with “the family” they outcast you.  When this transition for myself first started, relatives started to say they’d called me but I never returned the phone calls.  Yet, all of that was untrue.  They never called me, let alone left messages.  I’d hear later, “oh, the whole family went up to Tahoe this weekend.”  Was an invite ever passed to me?  Of course not. 

 

How to get to the point where my family wants to be a part of my life?  Instead of me always scurrying about to meet their expectations and meet their needs.  No one but me seems to care about my needs, and I’m making sure they are met first.  Besides my husband and his family, making that choice, although a positive choice, has been very lonely.  Growing up without a mother or father and knowing they're still alive, is rather painful and unnerving.

 
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September 8, 2008, 11:05 am CDT

where oh where can you beeee??

Hi Dr  Phil,

 

Came online to look for resources for the custody battle show, and my oh my, goodness gracious, anyway to simplify things for those of us who get overwhelmed with the constant streaming and tabs that continually change??

 

Thank you!!

 
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September 8, 2008, 11:37 am CDT

So disguisted with parents acting like children!

#1 Grandma needs to BUTT OUT of this - the divorce is between the husband and wife!!!  I was pulled out of my chair and so angry and agitated that the grandmother kept butting in to overpower who was speaking and tell her thoughts.  It was the wife's final decision to marry this guy, if she made a wrong decision, so be it, but let HER deal with it.  Grandma coming in only adds fuel to the fire just like Dr Phil said.  Learn to stay out of it.  Offer your support, but from afar.  Let the wife deal with it.

 

#2  50/50 custody should be granted.  I had my parents divorce when I was 12 years old, and only saw my dad on Sundays.  It sucked being stuck in the middle and barely seeing my dad.  Those statistics that say girls are more likely to become sexually active when daddy's not around because of divorce proved true for me.  Wouldn't as a mother you want to do everything you could to protect especially your daughter from that??  Both kids need to have BOTH a mother and a father. 

For me, I have chosen to marry a man who has two young daughters, ages 6 and 8, who also went through a bitter divorce.  I can relate to the Grandma's and Mom's concerns that the kids are distant on custody days and they go blaming the father.  It's not the father, look at the situation. Wouldn't you kind of go numb if YOU had TWO seperate homes each with it's own set of rules.  The kids aren't robots, they need space and time to transistion.  I'm living in a 50/50 split custody arrangement through my husband.  The mother keeps father's day presents the girls make and school projects from my husband, and the kids see it.  It makes them really sad.  Don't be the one that holds the kids back from their dad. 

I can relate to the husband and wife going back and forth because I've witnessed it through disagreements my husband has with his ex.  Plus, being a child of divorce myself, I'm able to help my husand do what is in the best interest of  the kids, because I've lived it.  I can relate to how the kids feel as they are shuffled back and forth.  

The parents need to find something that they CAN agree on.  Granted, they won't be able to agree on everything, but they need to give each other the space they need to parent as they choose, while PROMOTING the relationship with the other parent.  I dispise my own parents very much for the years of being stuck in the middle between their divorce fighting.  It's just wrong.  Grow up.  YOU'RE AN ADULT NOW, AND A PARENT.  I beg of you, do what is in the best interest of the children.  They need time with BOTH their parents.

 

#3 Fathers need to be given a better wrap.  Kudos to him for fighting for 50/50 custody!  I don't think it's wrong for a father to take his daughter and son on quads.  How fun!  Mom needs to lighten up a bit.  From the pictures I saw, the full protective gear was on each child.  Yes, it has it's dangers, but what a great experience that they can have.  Back off mom, and let dad be a dad and do guy stuff.  The stuff about the underwear, was a joke, don't put a sexual spin on it, when maybe dad was just saying they were too big.  Don't mind *uck it so much that you create a problem where there really doesn't need to be one.

 

Good luck!

 
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December 4, 2008, 1:09 am CST

I can relate

Quote From: mtrider

from the time i was 9 years old and my "parents" went to marriage counciling, the Methodist minster told them with me in the room that " i was the cause and reason for THEIR bad marriage" from that day on i was blamed for anything and everything that went wrong. it was a good day if i got only 7 spankings. bad day when it got over 14. i have ended up in the ER at least 3 times because of the time my father beat me and my so called mother egged him on!!! i ws told if i ever went to councilly it would prove them right that i was CRAZY!! when i got married at 19 (really to get away from them) they undermined my marriage. they took my oldest away frome me, and my youngest will have nothing to do with me. when i finally got to be 32 i was reading a book called "INSIDE OUT" BY DR. LARRY CRAB. that open my eyes and i started councilly. it took 4 years, i got started on my journey. it has been long, hard, painfully, haunting, joyful and i think i am getting it. i have not let my so called parents back into my life for over 2 yrs now. it is so MUCH less stressful to have them out of my life. i am finding my self, i am still married to the same man, God really blessed me with him.i now ranch, cattle/sheep and am a woman packer, train my own horses and mules and have jobs that i love. i ride a lot and most of it in the true Montana Wilderness. my life is become good.

Hi,

 

Good for you for getting toxic family out of your life.  I had a similiar experience where my dad was always blaming me for everything.  I was always the one with the problem.  Now, at 33, I've had the courage to confront him and his treatment towards me and have refused to have him a part of my life until such time he can treat me dignity and respect and stop lying to me.  It's been a long hard road, but I do feel I'm a better person for it.  I shared your pain in feeling like I was the one going crazy, when all the while it was my father deceiving me, and mistreating me.  It got so bad, that I refused to be alone with my father, I always had to have my husband there with me.  My father would continually say one thing to me in private, and then completely deny it when others were present.  I really questioned if I was going crazy then.  It really sucks that I can't even depend upon my own father.  I completely feel for you.  I try to look to tv personalities as parental figures, Dr Phil, Robin, Oprah, even Joyce Meyers.  In some sense, I feel like these people helped raise me, as my own parents weren't mature/adult enough and at times so toxic and only concerned with their own needs.

 

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