Messages By: dgtipton

This is a long entry but I had to give you an update, some history on this subject. Please excuse the long letter !
  

Is it just me, am I just jealous or is it him? Please answer this if you can.   

I have a problem and I am not sure how to handle it. Would someone please give me some advice if you would. A little history - I have been married for 10 months now, 2nd for me and 3rd for him, my first marriage was for 31 years and not a good marriage at all, it was abusive in both ways physical and mental but I stayed so long because of our 3 wonderful sons.  

My husband was in the first marriage for 9 years and the second for 22 years. He never loved his first wife but stayed because he had 2 daughters with her, he divorced her and re-married the second wife as soon as the divorce was final, she was in the picture before the divorce. Now for the problem that I am having my husband just worshipped his ex-wife period and I know that. He has said that now he hates her he hates everything about her but he talks about her every day, negative things but has to say something and it makes me sick. When we first met and started dating - he had just gotten the divorce - well she is the one that got the divorce because she had another man - this was the third man that she had an affair with while married to my husband and he knew about them all and forgive her everytime but this time she wanted out to be with this man but he dumped her as soon as she filed for divorce, he only wanted one thing from her. My husband tried everything he could to prevent the divorce he did not want a divorce at all he loved her and his family (they had 3 children together). Well anyway after we started dating he just had to keep telling me every day something about her, how bad she treated him, how she destroyed the family, etc.  while we were dating he took me to his home to meet his two sons (daughter had already moved out) he had pictures of her everywhere! They were in every room that I went into, he told me after we left his house to bring me home he could see that I was really upset he said " well I just haven't had time to get them taken down yet, he wanted to keep the frames and just get rid of the pictures but that would take time" needless to say I let that go and we continued to date, same old thing, well to make a long story short we got engaged after about 7months then his oldest son moved into an apartment and the 18 yr old moved into his mother's house part-time and his brother's house part-time (this is what he wanted) he (husband now)  moved in with me. Well he lost his job due to down sizing and he had to clean his office and company car out so he brought all the stuff to my garage, one day I was moving the boxes around (I do have to say I was snooping) I found this big blue notebook - I opened it and you could have knocked me over with a straw, I was so hurt I could have cried but I got mad instead. This book was completely filled with pictures of her, nobody but her, like a portfolo, she was in fancy dresses, sexy lingeria, etc. nothing X-rated very well done pictures I must say, well my husband's hobby is photography and he is good at it. I might add that she thinks she is beautiful, she thinks that she is God's gift to men, no joking. She carries her make-up around in a tacklebox, if that tells you anything, it takes a lot to get her to the point of looking good, it for sure isn't natural! Let's just say if she was worth half of what she thinks she is she would never have to work again and neither would her kids!! But believe me she isn't near what she thinks she is!  Well I didn't tell him that I found this I just kind of withdrew, nice to him but quite. He was going to CA to visit his parents that same week so I just didn't want to say anything to him at that moment. Well he saw the boxes moved the day he way leaving and put 2 & 2 together he didn't say anything either, then when he got to CA he wrote me a letter and an email telling me that knew that I had found the book and he was so sorry about those pictures that he meant to get rid of them but just never took the time to hunt them he had forgotten where he had them,  Well he had them under the seat in the company car all the time, the car that I had ridden in many times! He said that he didn't want to put them in the trash dumpster at work because he didn't want anyone there to find them. Well I called off the engagement I told him in an email while in CA.  I had enough period. I put the book full of pictures in his suitcase to take with him, he didn't know that I had done that. He promised me that he dumped them in CA, in his parents trash  after he looked at them once more, he said he looked at them to try to put himself in my shoes to see how I must have felt when I saw them, bull crap I say! Anyway after a few weeks he returned back home and I forgave him and he swore to me that he didn't have anything else of her anywhere at all and I once again I wanted to believe him. Well things seem to be fine for awhile and we set a date for the wedding we was getting everything ready and one day I was on his computer getting some information he had on the wedding plans (he had them on a disk) well that isn't all he had on the disk, there was those same pictures of her plus many more, well over 150 total then in the next file, same disk, was a few pictures of me about 8 or 10 no more than that. I was so mad I could have just threw him out at that second if he had been there. Well when he got back I gave him the ring and told him I never wanted to see him again period, no more lies. Well about that same time I found out that I needed to have major surgery on my back. I was so depressed I didn't know what to do, my sons all worked and I had no help & this surgery would take 10 day to 2 weeks in the hospital then in a body brace for 5 to 6 months unable to do anything for at least one year. So I thought about all this and he was begging me to please give him one more chance he admitted that he had been crazy to have kept those pictures and disk and he said he had no idea why he did. Well I once again forgave him and we did get married on the date we had planned with all our children there with us. Our wedding night he invited his 3 children to come back to our hotel and play cards and they did, they stayed all night, he was thrilled that they spent that time with us, I wasn't !  Then 3 weeks later I had the surgery and he was by my side every minute, he stayed in the hospital with me every night sitting in a chair trying to sleep he did this the full 2 weeks, then when I got home he waited on me hand and foot, he was excellent, he took me to every doctors appointment, etc. (he was still on lay off at that time which was a blessing). Now 9 months later and he has gotten a job that has relocated him to another state and I am still here at home because the doctors tell me I can't travel that far just yet. He comes home every two or three week for 3 days,  we talk several times everyday. I will move up there as soon as the doctors release me about 2 more months. I am doing good and am back to almost all my activities like before surgery. Anyway there is still problems here I am just jealous I guess I don't know I just have these issues here that I need some advice on: to this day he has got to bring her name up everyday, just 3 weeks ago he and 2 co-workers were working close to my home here and I went to see him, well during dinner one night he had to bring up her name and I think his co-workers seen that it upset me because they didn't act like they heard him but he kept on talking about her, I just ingored him but he kept talking, negtive stuff but still. He knows how I feel but it is as if he can't help himself he has to say something even if it is "I hate her so much for how she did me and our family'  but I am just sick and tired of listening about her period. I need to say that she can fix up using that tacklebox full of makeup and she is a pretty woman but without the makeup, no way,  and does she ever wear the makeup! she is shorter and thinner that I am and has long curly hair, these are all things that he likes. Now I am totally opposite I am tall not fat but fuller figure than her, short hair, and I don't wear a lot of makeup, people have always told me that I didn't need makeup, that I was pretty without makeup, maybe they think the makeup would not help my looks at all, who knows. He tell me that I am beautiful inside and outside and that I am everything that he ever dreamed of in a woman, he tells me that I make him happier than he has ever been, he tells me that I am perfect, his sole mate.
  

Now his kids, the first two from first marriage are wonderful, we get along great. The other 3 well lets say if their Dad is here they may call or come by once every month or two, not very often but if he isn't here never! When I call them and leave a message and ask them to call me they never even return my calls. They do not want us to be married, they want their parents back together, now that that man dumped her and she just dates anyone I think that maybe she has told them that if I wasn't in the picture they may get back together, who knows. His youngest son is 18+ and he came right out and asked his Dad one night in from of me "well why did you marry her" (we are different faiths) his son said well I was told that you are not supose to marry anyone outside your faith, Mom is the same faith as you and she isn't. Then he asks if his Dad is happy, does he ever miss his Mom questions like this. I was so upset, my husbands answer to these questions were "well son you need to ask your Mom these same questions - she is the one that wanted the divorce I wasn't - I tried to get her to drop the divorce and not destroy our family but this is what she wanted". 

 So does this sound like a man that is totally over his ex-wife or not? Does it sound like he is just having to settle for me because he likes being married? Am I just being a fool all together? He tells me that he loves me more than anything and that I am the type of person that he has wanted all his life, I am totally different than her, with her they spent his money as fast as he earned it and even faster - he never had a savings or any extra in checking at all, she spent money like going out of style, she had to have the very best, never anything on sale, she just thought that she was God's gift to men! She had three affairs during the marriage and he knew about them, one was with her brother-in-law and I have the letter that she wrote telling him (my husband) about having the affair with him (her brother-in-law - her sister's husband), now that is as low as you can get in my book. She always like to go out with her girlfriends to the bars and have fun leaving him at home with their three teenagers, would come home in the wee hours of the morning, her weekend getaways with her girlfriend. She was a me person for sure.  Okay for me, well I am just a plain working lady with three sons that are my world and they have always been that to me. Family is everything, I am very saving (that is how I could be off work so long with the surgery) I have savings, 401K, retirement, I always try to prepare for the future, I never buy anything unless it is on sale, her if it was on sale it was out of style. She would spend over 100.00 on her an outfit, and maybe buy him a 10.00 pair of pants if he was lucky. She came first period even before her kids and he was okay with that, that's crazy in my book, nobody comes before my kids. So as I say we are totally different, all the things that he loved about her I do not have and would never want or would never do, that is just selfish and mean I think.   

SO PLEASE TALK TO ME - GIVE ME SOME ADVICE PLEASE!!!!  

Would you be kind enough to tell me what you did to do the cleanse? I have horrible back pain and I am on lots of medication and have been for quite a while. I need to clean out my body and system. 

Thank you for this information. 

Donna 

Thanks for your reply to this issue. I do love this man or I never would have married him. I do wish however that I would have waited longer to give him time to really get over her. At the present time my husband is working out of state and get to come home just every couple of weeks so this gives me plenty of time to think about things. He was in this weekend and left late this afternoon and I could not wait to see if someone replies to my message. I am jealous, I wish that I wasn't, I have told him how I feel and he tells me that I don't have anything to worry about that he hates her. He tell me that he loves me more than anything, he said that he wishes that he had met me 35 years ago that his life would have been so much better, he tell me that I make him feel alive and worth something, he said that he had never been made to feel special with her, etc. So can you see how I am torn here? I want to believe him because I love him and I firmly believe that when you marry someone you need to do everything in your power to make it work and I did in my 31 years marriage but that marriage was something that should have never been to start with but I stayed for my sons. Wrong thing to do, period. Now this marriage, I do want it to work and I know that I have to get over this jealous that I have over his ex.  Just last night two of his kids came over to visit and his son just kept coming up with things about her that made me uncomfortable. So after they left my husband would comment on the things his son told us. Like "can you believe that she has changed jobs again, this makes the 5th job since the divorce" - "I hate the way that she is doing these kids, hurting them by continuing to lie to them about what she did to us all when she was screwing that other man then getting the divorce, I just hate her" the he tell me this "I don't care what she does, I really don't because I hate her guts and I would be fine if I never seen her again". 

Then this morning we was talking about movies we likes and didn't like and he got quite for a few minutes then he said "she never did like these kind of movies, I would always buy these and when I asked her to watch them with us she would just say that they were dumb, stupid movies, if she did watch for a little while she would just make fun of them, - I am so glad that you like these movies, we are so much alike" (the movies he was talking about were like "Ghost" You Got Mail" "Message in a Bottle") love story type. 

He is gone now and here I am writing this message. I do want to believe that he is over her but I know that he isn't because I can tell in the way he talks about her when we talk. I just don't know what I can say or do to feel better about this situation. 

Thank you and ritehere for your comments. It helps to get some advice from someone about this.  

Thanks again, I know that he still isn't over her yet and I told him that this weekend and he got a little upset. He said that he was completely over her and has been for some time. He said that he hates her, he can't stand to even be in the same room with her. So I wonder what it will be like at his son's graduation June 1st. since she will be there. This will be interesting to say the least. I just wish that he didn't feel the need to say something everyday about why he hates her or what she liked or disliked, I don't give a crap if she liked to eat at a certain place, why tell me? You know.  

Just having someone to listen to what I have to say and give me some feedback on it really does help me. If you know anyone else that is in a situation like mine please tell me, I would love to see how they are dealing with it.  

DT  

Thank you for the reply to my message. I do have so many concerns about his ex-wife and the trouble that she is trying to do. Also the way that He talks about her all the time, daily. I have told him that I am sick and tired of hearing her name all the time. His reply to me is "I just hates her so much,  I can't stand the way she does the family, my kids" "I hate the lies that she has told them and continues to tell them" "I just hate the way that she can get by with her lies and hurting people" 

on and on. I am so sick of it! 

So what do you think that I need to do now? I am torn apart here. I always believed that when you got married it was for life, that is one of the reasons that I stayed for 31 years with my first husband, when I should have left him in the first 6 months. I tried to make it work, that is impossible unless both want to change and make it work. Now with this husband I said that I would make this marriage work and I am going to try with all I have because I do love him but I can't help how I feel. I know that he does love me, he is so good to me in everyway. He is working out of town as I said before and he calls me at least 10 or 12 times per day, I am not kidding at all. Sometimes it drives me crazy that he calls so much, he asked me if I cares that he calls so much becauses he misses me so bad and I said no that I don't care, but come on! He wants to move to the state that he is working in at the present time. He has wanted to move out of state since we got married and I just do not want to, this is my home and I have never lived anywhere but here so I am a little scared to leave this place. I feel that he is just running from his past and her. He said that is not what he is doing at all, he said that he hated her and would not care if he never seen her again. In one of his call this morning we were talking and I said something about his son and his school, his remark was "I hate the thought that he has to get up and get ready for school and leave without breakfast (he is 18) while B is laying in bed on her lazy a_ _. Then all she has to do is  get up and get all pretty and dressed up fancy and go to her littel office job, what a B_ _ _ h" . See what I mean, not a conversation we have he can't seem to leave her out of even if it is negative things. I am ready to scream. She would love this if she knew that I was having issues with this matter. She told him on the phone one day, while he was home, she called here to talk to him about their son and she had to add this little remark " I don't know how your wife can put up with you being so obsessed with me like your still are" his remark to that was -to say nothing at first - then after a couple of minutes he said "you have got to be kidding" that's it, that is all that was said. I got so upset that he didn't tell her off and he told me "you just don't understand, she has this thing about her that just takes anyone by surprise and you don't know what to say, she takes you when you are off guard - that is why I hate her so much" What do you make of that? I just need someone to talk to about all this mess.  

Thank you for the reply. I did get a reply for someone else but please believe me I need all the help that I can get. So please give me advice and anyone else that is willing to reply with advice would be greatly appreciated also. Yes, he has alot of issues with her and that is an understatement! He did go to counseling when she filed for the divorce (she would not go). He thought that would help  hold the marriage together, the counsler told him that he needed to get on with his life because she did not love him and had not for a long time, he told him that she had been laying the groundwork for this divorce for a very long time and he could not believe that he had not seen any of this. He (my husband) had some letters that she had written, where she had admitted to the affairs and also she told of how she wanted her time to do her thing without him or the kids. She said "she wanted and needed to be single she was tired of being stuck with someone" So he wasn't happy with the counsler at that time for being so truthful and honest with him, I guess is the reason. Now myself, I think I could have seen what was going on there. So I am not sure if he would go back to another one or not. I have not mentioned going to a counsler to him yet. I just want to wait and see if we can't just talk this all out. He does listen to me when I try to explain how I feel about her and the way he keeps talking about her all the time. I am stupid I guess, I know that a lot is me because I am so jealeous of the way he treated her and how he felt about her even after the divorce he tried to get her back knowing that she had cheated on him several times, he didn't care about that if she would have stayed. I am not kidding at all, he treated her like she was a queen, she didn't want for anything that she didn't get, she was always just doing things for herself, hair, makeup, nails, shopping for clothes for herself, etc. She was and is a very selfish, self-centered person that just thinks of herself only. She loved going out to clubs at least once a week and then she had the "girls weekend retreats" always leaving him at home with the kids. Now I do not think that a married woman has any business doing this, I would never had done anything like this in my first marriage or now.  I'm totally opposite from her, completely. He tells me all the time that he is so happy and he feel blessed to have met me, that I am the type of woman that he has always wanted (his Southern Bell is what he calls me) someone that respects family and home life, honest and true. Well I am honest, truthful, kind plain and simple, I do not wear all the makeup like she does, I do not waste 10 hours per day getting my self together like she did. So my question to him is and has been - If you loved her so and you thought that she was the greatest thing that ever was, how can you say that you love me and tell me that I am the kind of woman you have always wanted? He didn't just love her he worshipped her and it was very obvious when I found all those pictures and disks, he had hundreds and hundreds, now I must saw that she loved being in front of the camera, she thought that she was a model or a want to be (long way from that in my book)......... I don't know...period!  I feel that we were brought together for a reason, because the way we met was one of those "just to be things". I do love him and he loves me to, I just think that he doesn't love me like he loved her. I feel like I am a security blanket for him, I'm stable, secure, have my feet planted firmly on the ground. She was and is nothing at all like me (Thank God)! I know for sure that if she would have called off the divorce that he would have taken her back, I know he would have. But she wanted that man that she left him and the family for but he dumped her as soon as she left and filed for the divorce, we met (at my work- one time) about a month after she left him, about one month after the divorce we met again (at my work - medical field) theat is when we started calling each other and then dating. He told me that he could never get me out of his head from the first time he met me, and he didn't even know my name, he said that I seemed to stay in his thoughts all the time. That is what helped him through the end of the divorce, he said. I had been divorced for 3 years when we met so I was totally over any feeling that I once had for my ex. and I was not at all looking for anyone when I met him but we just, I don't know there was this feeling between us when we met, I can't explain. Anyway back to the issue -I tell him that he should be able to talk to her about the kids when an issue with them comes up but he will not do that, he said that he never wants to talk to her again. I know that it would probably bother me but he need to be able to do that for the kids. I do talk to my ex if I have a question or an issue that I need to discuss concerning our sons and he should be able to do that also. I do not have any type of feelings for my ex at all, I don't hate him, I don't like him, I don't have any kind of feelings at all where he is concerned and I have been that way for a long time. I wish that my husband was that way with her but he isn't he feels the need to tell me daily how much he hates her. When we were out with 2 of his co-workers several weeks ago the subject of ex-spouses came up for a second and my husband had to go into detail about his ex and one of the co-workers ex lived in the same town, he kept on about how weird he thought that was, how horrible she was, about her lover living there, etc. the co-workers didn't say anything they could see that I was uncomfortable and they were uncomfortable for me, my husband never even give it a thought. It is things like this that keep me upset and worried. Is it possible that he could love me and still have these feeling for her? Will he ever get over this? Do I just need to ignore his comments about her? Or do I just need to tell him that this it it - shut up about her or go back to her - I don't want to hear about her anymore.   

Oh my goodness there is so much more that I could say, things that I have found since we got married that he had kept. Just to much to tell but would love to talk about it to someone willing to listen. Thanks for sending me the reply and I hope you don't get to tired reading all this stuff, it's just that I need answers, need help with what to do. Thanks  

Hello...... Thank you for your reply. It does help to have someone listen to me and give me some advice. I hope that you continue to give me advice. The next few weeks will be rough, my husband will be back home the end of this month and his son will graduate June 1st so that will be trying for me to say the least. She will be there so I can't wait to see what happens or maybe I don't want to. She is dating someone now (the son told my husband last weekend - they always have to update him on the latest with her) so he will be there with her I'm sure, so she will put on a show for my husband I would almost bet on that. So help me out here ladies! What should I do, or act if this happens? .............I have asked him several times to just tell her how he feels about her (if he hates her so much and wishes he had never met her) and also to tell her what he tells me all the time "that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him, he didn't know what true love was until he met me, he has never been as happy as he is now, etc." he reply to that is I don't want to tell her anything, if I was to tell her anything she would just turn it around to make herself look good, I know her, I know what she does......So that is why I say June 1st will be an adventure for me. Any suggestions of what I should do or how to act? If so PLEASE let me know, I can use all the help I can get! Thanks again, I await your replies!!  

Thank you, I do love my husband and I want this marriage to work I am in this for the long haul, I HOPE! I know that he loves me but it is not the same type of love he had for her and I have told him that, he said that he was in a fantasy world with her, what he thought he had he didn't, it was all just a make belief world, now with me he is finally in reality and he really knows what love is and is about and that is what he wants. I am trying to be patient and to not be so jealous over this situation. It's just hard at times. I know with my ex-husband (was married for 31 yrs) got married real young - I do not have any type of feelings at all for him,  he is the father of my sons, that's all. I do not hate him, even though I should for the way he treated me,  my husband tell me  that I should hate him, when I tell him that I have NO feelings for him, he doesn't understand because of his feelings over his ex wife. But then again I never worshipped my ex or had him up on a pedistal the way he did his ex, this may be the difference, I don't know. It doesn't bother me if I have to talk to my ex about anything but he just refuses to talk to her if he can get out of it at all, when she does call  and he does talk to her, his voice is always so sweet and kind and I have to remark to him when he hangs up. Whatever she called to ask him he will do if he can, he said that he didn't want to start a fight with her because she would win, she always does. I told him that you would never know that he was talking to someone that he hates by the tone of his sweet, kind voice............Anyway I knew that he had all ths baggage when I married him, it is my fault for not waiting until I knew that he really was over her but he kept rushing me for a date after I accepted the ring. So I guess I thought I could change his mind over her and I guess he thought that he would get over her quicker if he got married, mistake on both parts but we did get married and I plan on it working out, it is just very stressful to know that he still has feelings for her, love or hate, they are still feelings. I am tired of hearing about her in any way and I did let him know that this past weekend and he has not mentioned her name in our conservations yesterday and today so far. He knows how I feel about her and how hurt that I am over the way he treated her and the way he treats me, there is a big difference. One of the ladies on here said that I was looking at it  "like it was the looks that mattered" but she said that wasn't the case, well with him it is the case to a point.  As I said his hobby is photography that is the excuse he gave me for having all those hundreds & hundreds of pictures of her, I am not kidding with that number at all, (he said that he loves to take pictures) not with me, from the day we met until present I would bet you there is no more than 20 pictures of me and most of them are with someone else or with him. He has one picture of me that was taken at the beach on his desk & one on his nightstand.  Then there is one of both us in his wallet. I am not that camera friendly I guess. He took a picture one day with the camera phone and looked at it and said "oh that isn't a good  picture" then deleted it (I would bet you he never deleted any of her) I have told him about this and his reply to that is : he screw up before by taking so many pictures of her and she resented it in the end and he doesn't want to do the same mistake again or to do anything to hurt me later. I think this is a poor excuse. I just look totally different that she does and I think that is the true answer..........Anyway you can see how I am........I keep finding these things that really bother me..no, they hurt me and I just can't let them go, just things like this and him talking about her whether it is hate her or what, I don't want to hear about it anymore. So him working in another state at present  has given me plenty of time to think, good and bad...............I do know that he loves me, he sit by my bedside everyday and night when I was in the hospital (9 days) and he hates hospitals more than anyone I know. So that showed me that he did really love me, he really is good to me other that this thing with his ex. Is he just trying to treat me good so that I will overlook his feelings for her?  Is he hoping that being married to me will get him over her sooner? I just don't know how to deal with this situation, I thought that he would be over her completely by the time we got married and I would not have to listen about her anymore, but that isn't the case. I never thought that I would ever be in anything like this............. Just like this past weekend when he came in we went out to eat and we went past a nice restaurant and his comment was " ______, she loved to eat here, I guess this is where her lover takes her now, or maybe she still go there alone the way she did when she was screwing around on me" I was so hurt that he even brought her name up.......since he had been gone and come in for 2 days to spend with me, now one of these 2 days was spent with his kids (18 & 21) at the house until 3 in the morning playing games.  I love his kids so please don't get me wrong, but they never call me or come by if he isn't here, never. When he is here for anly a short time I would like to spend it with him alone. Well now I sound just like a mean selfish wife and stepmom  don't I ?  Thanks again ladies for all your help! PLEASE keep talking to me, this really does help, I just hope that I do not bore you all to pieces. I just need someone to talk to & I have no one here just you guys. SO THANKS and keep sending me messages and advice.  

Thanks ladies, I really do appreciate your advice. Yes SC I do have a lot of venting and I am so glad that you can listen to that. Thanks. Seems that all the replys say the same thing...........he is not over her yet, he still has feelings, this is what I have said all along even though he denies it. He would never admit that he has any feelings for her. He reply to that would be, :You have got to be kidding" I hate her! I do have a lot to work on here and I will try. Thanks for you all helping, just listening and giving me your ideas and advice is a great help! Thanks!!