Messages By: charmom2

Hi,  

           This is my first time on the site and i'm hoping someone out there has a solution or can help me  deal with my problem. I am not a parent yet, but I have been dating someone who has a child. We have been together for three years. I guess I should let you know the background of my situattion.  

            We started dating when his daughter was about nine months. He and her mother had never dated,  basically they had a college fling.  She became pregnant and at her insistance they decided to keep the baby. When I came into the picture they were not in a relationship and were being  civil for their daughter's sake. Everything was going well between us until, the mother started making accusations that I was a bad influence on her daughter. She said that her daughter, who was now two was saying that she hated me and didn't want to go to her Daddy's house. Now I was concerned first of all because hate is such a strong word for a child and secondly because of the mixed messages I was seeing. For example his daughter would cry if I had to leave and go anywhere. I would have to sneak out or we would need to distract her because she would miss me. She was basically my shadow. She was always hugging and kissing me and I thought that we had such a great relationship.  

        One day his daughter's mother decided to confront him about the situation. They sat down with their daughter and she asked her if I was mean to her. She said no "I like her," well we thought that was the end of it. Until a few months later we were driving to see his family and out of the blue she said to us "Mommy put me on the couch and said that (my name here) was mean." Needless to say we were shocked. We asked her mother about it and she denied it saying that their daughter was lying about things. Well we dropped it. His daughter continued to mention things that her mom was telling her to say about me, and she would always finish her statements  with "but I like you." 

         Fast forward a couple of months she is four now and, whenever I try to discipline her she says "my mommy says your mean, and I don't have to listen to you." This now frustrates and hurts me, I know she is only saying this because she is mad and doesn't want to do what she is told. But it still hurts. Then there are times when out of the blue she will say "my mommy says your mean, but I tell her no I like you," and this breaks my heart and makes me angry. How could someone be so selfish. Recently, the mother has been telling their daughter that her father doesn't love her because he doesn't want to do anything with them. This is a horrible lie. Again I have to give some background on this. About a year into our relationship my boyfriend had gone to the photo studio and taken some holiday christmas pictures with his daughter and her mother. I felt very uneasy by this, because it made me feel like an outsider. Here is my boyfriend sending out christmas pictures of his family. Also there was an issue  because my boyfriend didn't want to go on outings to the circus or movie with her and their daughter. He wanted to take his daughter to these events himself and if the mother wanted to take her somewhere she could but they didn't have to do it together. And to my boyfriends credit he takes his daughter everywhere. In the summers we always go on vacation and on his weekends if were not going to somewhere special he spends most of the day at the park just playing. So to get back to the issue the mother feels that I tell him not to spend time with her and because of this she has started to tell their daughter he doesn't care. Now I want to know am I wrong for feeling that he doesn't need to pretend they are a perfect family and go on these "family" outings? (I use the word family because she has expressed to me that is what they are) Isn't it enough that he does all the same things with her and that she is never starved for his affection. Isn't it portraying a false image.  

             I guess I have reached my limit because in about two weeks his daughter has a Christmas show and she has asked me to come. Now I am worried that her mother will cause a scene. This is because she has said that I am not allowed at any of her daughters Birthday parties, and the reason that I believe she will cause a scene is because of an incident that happened at one party. A mutual friend of ours attended her 3rd Birthday Party and when she mentioned my name the mother got extremely upset left the room and had to be calmed down by her family. She told my boyfriend that my name should not be mentioned in her presence. I am extremely frustrated because I have never said anything bad about her even when her daughter tells me the thingsher mother says about me I respond that maybe mommy made a mistake and I ask her what she thinks of me. I leave it at that. One time I tried to talk to her about the accusations and she told her daughter that if she keep lying she would be in trouble. What do I do? How do I deal with it? Should I be banned from her life just because her mother wants the perfect family that never existed? I don't want to tell her a second year I can't come to your party, but I don't want her to feel the repercussions of my showing up. Please help!