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Messages By: outofmymnd

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December 29, 2005, 5:58 am CST

Totally out of Control

Ok, I am totally out of ideas, and out of my mind....so here goes!!!! 

  

I have a 16 yr old daughter and a 10 yr old son with ADHD.  He is the biggest problem right now.  He lies, and about the stupidest (is that a word)? things.  It is never a serious issue that he lies about, but constantly feels the need to lie.  He also not only wets his bed almost nightly, but will even wet his clothes, simply because he won't get up to go.  He will hold it for hours and hours, until he finally can't hold it anymore, and WHAM!!!!!!   I have tried EVERYTHING.....I have taken things away, I have grounded him....just last year he even used to do it in school....until the teacher and I decided that if he did it again she would not try to "hide" it for him, and if he was asked by friends why he was washing his chair, he would have to tell them the truth, never happened again.  I have tried that with him here as well, but he honestly doesn't care about anything!!!!!!  If I take everything away, he doesn't care for any longer than maybe an hour..tops. 

  

Just last night he did the same thing, playing in his room and wet his pants.  I told him the last time, if he did it again that I was using Dr. Phil's idea of removing everything from his room.  That is going to happen today.  I hope it works. He is on medication for the ADHD, and it seems to help him for the most part in school, but the bed wetting etc was NEVER  a problem until meds were started.  Even at the age of 4 or 5, he would always get up in the night to go.  Could it be the meds????  I have even tried the embarrass tactic....with friends etc., but for some reason it doesn't work, his answer, "I don't care".   

  

I have bought Dr. Lawlis' book, The ADHD Answer, and started reading it myself.  The problem I have is that nobody else in my family will read it, my daughter or my hubby will not participate.  How do I use the techniques in the book by myself??  I can't start to "parent " him differently just to have them undermine what I am doing.  I will admit, I have lost my temper on quite a few occasions, and while I will never hit my kids, I have done some severe yelling......and I am really ashamed of it.  I am totally out of answers.   

  

My daughter and him can't seem to ever be civil for longer than 5 minutes, and he will purposely start arguements.  He will try to tell me or my husband how he is going to do something....HIS WAY, and he doesn't care what we say.  We will consistently turn that around, and not allow him to tell us what to do, or how to do it.  Then, he throws a tantrum....."fine, then I am not going to do..... until you let me do....".  Never works, but the only way I can get around that one is to yell right back at him.  He will not listen, to anyone or anything.  He has no idea of what respect means.   

I honestly can see my son in prison when he gets older, not just because of the issues above (believe me there are a TON more ), but because he genuinely doesn't care about anyone or anything.  I am also disabled, and he will really act out on a "bad" day....like he wants to make things harder for me.  He is one of the main sources of tension daily in the house, someone is always yelling, arguing or punishing him. 

  

I have tried everything with this kid, and I am honestly on the edge......I have even considered either me leaving them with hubby, and walking out for good, or putting him in foster care.  It sounds horrible, and I don't want to do that....I honestly love my kids, I just don't like his behaviour.  I feel like the biggest failure, and the worst mother in the world.....I should know how to deal with my own child, but I don't, and that is a horrible feeling.   

  

Any ideas, or even words of wisdom, just someone to say "been there" would be a big improvement!!!!! 

Thanks for listening!!!!! 

  

 
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December 31, 2005, 3:37 am CST

One thing after Another

Just as I get things going really well with my son, another stressor pops up!!!!  My hubby and my eldest are constantly at odds, except he NEVER says anything to her, he always comes to me!!!!  I guess I should clarify, he is her stepfather, she hasn't seen her biological father in about 6 years.  Anyways, hubby never punishes her, never does anything except maybe say something like "Put your coat on".....(it is cool I guess to walk around in freezing temperatures without one).  She doesn't listen to him because he doesn't do anything about it, except come to me and expect me to punish her.  This coat thing has been an ongoing issue, she has been sick NON STOP since winter started, and just doesn't get it!!!!  There are other issues as well, but right now this is the one hubby brought me again.  Now, he expects me to ground her, or something....but he won't!!!!  Why am I  the ONLY adult in this house who does any kind of discipline???  All he does is walk in the door from work, start yelling at my son....whining about my daughter not doing "whatever", and then it is all me!!!!!  If I tell her to do something, she does it....she knows my rules and expectations, but she walks all over him because she can.  I tried to explain that to him last night for the 100th time, you think maybe he will get it this time???????? 

  

Thanks for letting me vent.....I am just getting so sick of all this turmoil and chaos, doesn't help with my illnesses at all!!!!!!! 

Tammy 

 
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January 5, 2006, 3:00 am CST

Our Curse

My beliefs are simple ~ a curse is an easy way to blame someone or something else for the state of your life.  I am not being judgemental here, so please don't take it that way, but if you really think about it isn't that a fact??  If you are claiming to be "cursed", who are you blaming???   

  

I also agree that someone believing they are cursed will be.  My life isn't a bed of roses by any means....it is a meager existance at the very best, however, I don't believe I am cursed.  My life has taken a turn, and the only way for it to turn back is if I can do it....and right now, I can't as I am pretty ill with a few chronic illnesses.  So, my life is like this right now and I have to get through it.  No curse could have ever done this unless I believed it. 

  

That is my 2 cents...for what it is worth!!!!!  I hope I didn't upset anyone, as that was not my intention!!! 

Tammy 

 
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January 5, 2006, 3:46 am CST

2nd Post ~ Hope this one works!!!

I posted here a few days ago, but can't seem to find it, so I am trying again!!! 

  

I need some advice on a very touchy situation.  I am the mother of a 16 yr old, who is very good friends with a girl, also 16 who is addicted to heroin, cocaine, alcohol.....and only God knows what else that we don't know about.  This girl is in real trouble, has been abused most of her life, watched people closet to her (her friends) take their own lives, her mother is dying of cancer, the mother's boyfriend openly dislikes this child....and I am at a loss at to what to do for her.  At her age, I too used drugs and alcohol to numb everything.....I totally get where she is and why, but my ability to help her is limited as I never used the "hard" stuff that she is.  I have thought about offering to let her live here, as her home life is a major contributing factor, but I am afraid that I don't know how to help her.  I know she needs rehab, and she needs mental health professionals (she has also been recently diagnosed with some kind of "personality disorder" and is not receiving ANY treatment at all. )   

  

She openly talks to my daughter, and my daughter has also told her that I know about this as well, and she doesn't seem bothered by it....as a matter of fact, she wrote on an online journal that it gave her "hope"......but then went on to say that she doesn't know if we can understand.  She has gone away for a week, and when she returns she wants to talk to my daughter.....I have told my daughter that this girl can come here ANYTIME, so I hope she will talk to her here.  I know she has trust issues, and I don't expect miracles, but I feel obligated to try.  I am sure that this girl will never see 18.   

  

Does ANYONE have any insight, and words of wisdom that I can use to help her see that she needs help????  She knows she does, but as we all know it is much easier to go back to the drugs.....recovery is the hardest thing she will ever have to do for herself, and she doesn't believe she is worth the trouble!!!!  Please, any help would be appreciated!!!!!!!!! 

Thanks, 

Tammy 

 
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January 7, 2006, 1:41 am CST

Thanks for your help!!!

Quote From: the_indian

First, I'm sorry you had to write that all over again!  This board, quite frankly, has become totally dysfunctional and that is too bad, because at one time there was some good discussion going on.  I'm about to give up myself. 

  

I think it's great that you want to be involved in this girl's life, but please proceed with caution.  For example, you say she's welcome "any time" and she knows this.  What if her mom's boyfriend yells at her one night and she goes out and gets high?  Will she be "welcome" in your home at 3 AM stoned and yelling?  Would your daughter be?  Do you have other kids and would you want them exposed to this?  As well intentioned as you are, it could end up hurting her more with trust issues if she feels like you opened your home to her and then shut the door. 

  

One of the biggest problems is that, with addicts, you never know how much of what they say is true.  I remember my days getting drunk and high and, believe me, lying became so integral to my existence that I'd lie about what I'd had for dinner!  By the time I got into rehab, I wouldn't have known a true statement if it had jumped up and bitten me! 

  

So that's my first piece of advice.  Don't believe anything she says unless you've confirmed it yourself.  Are you sure her mom is dying of cancer?  Are you sure her mom's boyfriend is a jerk to her? 

  

The reason I think this is important is that, as an outside adult, it might be most productive for you to help her figure out a more stable living environment.  Staying with a friend doesn't count - she needs a responsible adult in her life who will love and nuture her, but will also set boundaries and be legally responsible as her guardian to see that she gets the help she needs.  Assuming you don't want to be this person yourself, the best practical help you can provide would be to find a home (ie, security) for her. 

  

Obviously, if her mom is really dying, a blood relative would be best.  Are there any other options?  An aunt, her bio dad....anyone???  Can you talk to her mother?  I know this might violate some confidentialities, but remember...this is a minor in a very desperate situation.   Dying or not, her mom is in a position to get this girl into some treatment - why hasn't she done so?  Is it financial?  Has her mom made any provisions for her care after she dies?   

  

It's hard to be more specific without knowing more about the situation, but as you guessed correctly, you are not going to be able to handle this, you'll make yourself nuts trying, and if she doesn't get help, I can promise it will get worse....much worse.  So maybe the best service you can provide is to do everything you can to get her in the care of a stable adult, even if it means leaving her current home. 

  

Another option is to talk to a school guidance counselor -- with or without the girl -- and ask about options.   Don't become a party to "hiding" anything, even if your daughter gets mad at you.  This is a child who needs help, and you need "help" figuring out how to get her in the right hands -- and those aren't  yours right now. 

  

I hope this made sense!   

  

Thanks so much Indian, 

  

I am grateful for the response, and I do get the lying part.  I was an addict too....been "clean" for about 16 years.  Unfortunately, this girl's story is the truth. She has nobody, her mother and mother's boyfriend know she is on something, but when they are home (which is rarely) they are drunk themselves.  Her bio father was the one that abused her as a child, so he is out of the question.  She has asked to talk to my daughter, and luckily my daughter is the ONLY friend she has that doesn't do drugs, and she will not get high or be high around her.......she has a warped sense of respect, but right now that works.  I have talked to my daughter about contacting Children's Aid, but that is a hard option.  I have also thought about going to her school, but that is a waiting game as they are still on Christmas vacation.  My daughter has talked to her, quite openly, and it looks as if she is going to reach out.......once this talk takes place, that will be my deciding factor, as I am really scared about waiting too long, I know what the outcome will be. 

  

Thanks again for your help, I forget sometimes how to think like her, I am too busy trying to "save" her. 

Tammy 

 
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January 10, 2006, 3:39 am CST

My daughter

Quote From: the_indian

Well, she sure is lucky (although that might seem like a strange word) to have you and your daughter! 

  

I guess my only remaining concern is your own daughter.  At 16, this is a lot to handle, so hopefully the whole thing can be steered towards getting some professionals involved in the girl's care.  It does sound like she has other problems besides the drugs, and you and your daughter need to spread some of the worry around a bit. 

  

In fact, your daughter (and you, too, for that matter) might benefit from Al Anon or Al a Teen.  Especially in your daughter's case, the support there might be really helpful for her, even if she's not technically a "family member". 

  

I really wish you the best with this.  If you get a chance, let us know how it goes! 

Thanks again Indian, 

  

I am worried about my daughter as well, she has such a big heart, especially when it comes to her friends.  I have noticed that this girl is calling here more, and even came over one night ~ something she has never done before. ( I made sure she knew that the drugs were not welcome, but she was). My daughter was on the phone with her last night for almost 2 hours because the friend was having a rough night.  It really upsets me to know that this tears at my daughter so much, and I am trying to maintain that openness, but when she gets really upset she shuts down....yet another challenge.  We are going away for the weekend, I truly hope that her friend is ok during that time.  It just blows my mind to think that this kid could get so messed up so early, but then again, so did I.  So frustrating!!!!!!! 

  

I really am grateful for your advice, and for your concern.  There aren't many people that think we are doing the right thing by trying to help this girl, most think we should just "walk away" from her.....how that would work I don't know.  The last thing she needs is another person abandoning her (just my opinion). 

Thanks again, 

Tammy 

 
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January 19, 2006, 10:59 am CST

Another thanks!

Quote From: the_indian

First, I think it's awesome that you're going away for the weekend.  I hope it ends up as a fun distraction from all this! 

  

And I, too, wonder why people would say to walk away from the other girl.  The biggest issue is knowing your own limitations....but you seem to have a handle on that. 

  

One thing:  I do again suggest a support  group for your daughter in going through this, but if you or she can't be talked into that, I'd suggest maybe browsing through the recovery section of a bookstore and identifying a good book on learning when and how to "let go" when you're dealing with an addict.  Another option, believe it or not, would be for your daughter (under your guidance, of course) to seek out some internet forums where she can talk openly about her feelings.   

  

I just got done saying this to someone else, but I'll reiterate it here.  It really is the toughest lesson of all when we love addicts and alcoholics -- we want to help and we want to save, but in many cases we run into a brick wall.  And most people blame themselves when this happens.  If only they could have found the right combination of words!    I grew up with this (having 2 alcoholic parents) and then I put my own loved ones through it, so I know the helplessness and the blame game.    

  

But I still say it sounds like you have a very good handle on things!   

Thanks for your help ~ I never thought I had a "good handle" on anything......LOL.  Our trip was good, was nice to get away from here for  a while.  My daughter just told me yesterday that her friend has stopped doing heroin, but is compensating with cocaine....doing more of it to make up for the lack of heroin.  Apparently, (from what I am told) she is only doing cocaine and alcohol now....has given the rest up.  I am not sure if this is true, or if she is just saying to apeese (sp?) my daughter.  Who knows.......we are still working on things with her, and she has made some progress....i.e. calling my daughter more and things along that line.  I guess I will see how far this can go, and then make a judgement call from there.....and no worries, I won't let it go on long!!!! 

  

Thanks again for your help, it has helped a lot.  It has been so long since I was in her shoes, I tend to forget!!!! 

Tammy 

 
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January 19, 2006, 11:11 am CST

Thanks!!

Quote From: goofyg

I have been in the same situation as you. I want you to know there is hope. There will always be good days and bad days....and Really BAD days. Just do not give up!!!!!!!!!!

Nice to know that there are others out there with the same situations......don't feel so isolated!!!! 

  

Can I ask what you have done, if anything, to help your situation???  So far, my plan is working....but he seems to be slacking a little more now.  Over all tho, he is doing much better!!! 

  

I would really appreciate it if you could share some ideas or techniques that you have used. 

Thanks again, 

Tammy 

 
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January 19, 2006, 11:20 am CST

Maybe an idea....

Quote From: baraby5

I have an 8 yr old son that I swear alot of the time Dr. Phil is talking about when the topic has to do with behavior or disipline! LOL  ....I admit for a long time we let him have his way, or get away with things we shouldn't have, but now it's all coming back to bite us in the ass!  My son growls, yells, grits his teeth while "talking back" to me, slams doors (which he has broke off the hinges, and broke the trim around his bedroom door), puts holes and dents in the walls, throws things, and beats on his 5 yr old sister.  We VERY RARLEY spank our kids, for many reasons, but in the past month I have told my husband to spank my son......I spanked him and he laughed and called me a weany!  We have grounded him, taken away his games, not allowed him to do something he wanted to do (mcdonald's...that kind of thing), and the only thing so far that has got his attention was putting him in the corner, which he kicked a hole in.  I've been told to try putting him into martial arts, because they teach kids how to recognize, control, and work out anger, and I've even talked to the Instructor that shares a building with my daughter's dance school, but I am afraid he will learn and use something that could turn out REALLY bad.  Oh, and he's ONLY  like this at home.  He has never been in trouble at school, on the bus, and all of his friend's parents think he's just the sweetest thing.  I'm at my wits end, and really close to doing the stripping his room down to a bed and dresser thing, but am wondering if  that's a little too drastic???   Anyone been in my position that found something that worked????  HELP!!!

Hi there, 

  

I couldn't help but respond to your message, I totally understand the turmoil you are in, been there, done that, got the t-shirt!!!!  The only thing that worked with my son (10 with ADHD) so far was I finally reached my breaking point and used Dr. Phil's idea of taking EVERYTHING out of their room....and I mean everything, I took posters down, curtains...the works.  The only thing he had was his mattress on the floor, 1 pillow and I blanket.  Then I made a "schedule" of chores and expectations, that must be completed.  I also wrote out 2 boards....one with acceptable behaviours and one with unacceptable behaviours, all of these were tacked up on his bedroom walls.  I also made a weekly chart for him to earn "points"....I use check marks and X's...so many checks were needed daily to get 1 thing back.  I started out small, first he earned a book, 2nd was a puzzle.....you get the idea.  If he did anything on the "No" list...he got an X....3 X's and he looses something.  So far, (knock on wood) it is working really well.  I think it is because he now realizes I will do what I say I will do.....before I was guilty of being very inconsistent.   

  

Just wanted to let you know that I understand, and offer some kind of advice.  Also, have you read the ADHD Answer by Dr. Frank Lawlis???  It is a really good book with a lot of great insight.   

  

Take care, I hope this helps!!!! 

Tammy 

 
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February 1, 2006, 7:40 am CST

Update

Quote From: the_indian

  

First, thanks for the update!  I'm glad the trip went well. 

  

I do have to disagree with one thing you said, however. 

  

we are still working on things with her, and she has made some progress....i.e. calling my daughter more and things along that line.  

  

It doesn't sound like she's making much progress to me :)  The only true barometer of her progress is whether she's stopped using....calling your daughter doesn't help either one of them all that much (because it runs the risk of drawing your daugher into the circle of misery). 

  

However, I do believe you when you say you won't let it go on too long.  In my opinion, if it starts messing with your daughter's head, or she gets so caught up in it her other friendships suffer (not to mention school and activities) that's when your daughter is paying too high a price for caring. 

  

I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but do please keep us posted.  Now you've got me curious what happens :) 

  

  

Hi Indian, 

  

Sorry it has taken so long for me to update you, but life has been somewhat difficult lately.(long story, not important here) 

  

Anyways, I have just found out that this girl I have been speaking of as of last weekend (I think) has been clean for 10days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  She is very proud of herself, as are my daughter and myself.  Now, what I want to try and make happen is to get her out of her house.......if she can make the committement it will take to stay off the drugs, I would let her come here, and then get her on the right road with professional help for the addiction and the conditions she has been diagnosed with. 

  

Thanks for all your help and input with this.....it has made a huge difference!!!! 

Tammy 

 

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