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Messages By: jaxxxxxx

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December 30, 2005, 2:38 am PST

Been both

I've been a stay at home dad and a fulltime worker supporting a wife and kids. I was also a lone father. I think I've got something to say here.

 

First, if you lose yourself to your role, blame yourself: It is you who has the power to lose or not to lose.

 

Please stay away from the "those awful abusive men" crap. Some women are abused by men, some men are abused by women. Most of the problem is people letting others abuse them. While there are true nasties out there, they are uncommon. Plus, if you are a real abused woman, you've got help. You're in a lot better place than the real abused man. We've got far too big of a misandry problem in our culture: Don't add to it, doing so hurts innocent people.


Being a good wife is the same set of feelings and actions as being a good husband:
Treat your spouse as a fellow human being.
Be nice.
Share.
Care.
Do your share of the work.
Take time to be together.
The children are not the ones in charge of this relationship.
Treat your spouse to the things he/she enjoys.
Make your spouse feel important.
Don't criticize without damn good reason and if a reason exists, critique without blaming or shaming.
Take your share of the blame for things which go wrong.
Don't sweat the small stuff.
Don't ever make big decisions without really getting your partner's input on the matter.

Being a good person is the heart and soul of being a good wife or husband or mother or father or ...

 
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January 3, 2006, 1:51 am PST

A few things

The woman selling the  stuff on EBay reminded me of a fellow lone father from years ago. He had three daughters, the youngest of which was a slob. One day he started throwing anything of hers left lying around into the shed were he kept the lawnmower: He had the only key.

It wasn't long before she started trying to steal her sister's clothes, which did not go over well. Her sisters locked their stuff up. When youngest had gone three days with the same underwear, jeans and T she finally got the point. After dad released her stuff from its lawnmower jail she kept fairly good care and control of her stuff.

I think actually selling the stuff would have been wrong. I think the woman selling her husband's stuff was wrong. Jailing the stuff, now that is a point maker!

As for sleep! I'd love Dr. Phil to do a show on us people who just plain cannot sleep without taking some of the nastiest drugs available to doctors. If I do not take my meds my sleep drops to the point where I go crazy, paranoid, weird ...

I'd love to get my wife to drive! That would be real nice. sigh
 
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January 4, 2006, 2:10 am PST

Contempt

I want to lecture LOUDLY:  Don't spout contempt for half of the human race! 

Women, don't use Misandry. (Misandry is to men as misogyny is to women)
Men, don't use Misogyny.

If you use contempt in your daily thoughts & words you will have a miserable time in life and you will not be able to get a good working relationship.

Too many women throw misandry around as if it were good for them. Wrong! The same goes for the men who are starting to throw misogyny around in the same way. Doing so will corrupt your life and make getting a happy home life near impossible.

I dated a lot. I met a lot of women. I did not have a second date with a woman who used misandry. PERIOD.  Most men feel the same way I do. This may well be hard for women as we live in a culture which has not as of yet stood strongly against misandry: women are not at all familiar with social pressure to stop this form of contempt. Too bad! Do it anyway.

Contempt is the best predictor of divorce. The best predictor of divorce by far is the contempt held by one partner for the other. Get contempt out of your life and you will be a better person. Better people get dates and get spouses.

Lecture mode off...
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January 5, 2006, 1:57 am PST

01/03 Love Resolutions

Quote From: ndunn63383

http://drphil.com/articles/article/503/ 

  

Above is the link to the 'How Well Do You Know Men' quiz.  If the link does not work you can go to the search box and type in Love Smart and it should give you 10 results, the link will be the ninth one on the list.   

  

Hopefully you will know more about men than I do!!  :) 

Watch out for this quiz! Dr Phil has based his answers on the "biggest" category. So? The right answer often applies to as few as 20% of men!

I'm a man and scored 5 out of 10 on the quiz. VERY very few men will score more than 6 out of 10 on this quiz.

Adult male humans are not a homogeneous form of life: We vary all over the place. Also, Dr, Phil uses the southern US Christian definition of "men." That description may or may not fit a given man. It will not, in even the least way, fit a Canadian farm boy such as myself. That is just the way things work with generalizations. Generalizations are useful, but only when one realizes that they are going to be wrong all too often.
 
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January 5, 2006, 2:11 am PST

01/03 Love Resolutions

Quote From: litsky8

  

I am saddened by the back and forth between men and women accusing the opposite sex for being unfaithful, horrible individuals.  I am a woman and I cannot tell you how many tears my men have placed in my eyes and how my heart has been broken...But through it all, gratefully I came to understand that I was the one choosing bad men due to things that happened to me as a child.  I have come to see that there are honorable men and honorable women throughout the United States.  It is unfortunate that moral standards have decreased throughout the years and I do admit it is much harder to find good apples in the bunch, but I have met some incredible people in my life.  If it had not been for those genuine people perhaps I would not be writing today.   

Well said. We all should be saddened by the  opposite sex bashing going on.

Many people choose to be with bad people. I did: So did my wife. We're married to each other now and it is great. We both know how our previous bad choices made our life miserable.

There's a PhD who wrote a book called "Getting the love you want." (Hendrix, I think) He makes some great points which mesh well with Dr. Phil. We tend to choose people who will complete our parents: People who will give us what we did not get as a child. That often results in getting a spouse who cannot give us what we need. Confusing, but true.

Oh I know ... I've been men's movement for 26 years and fully realize that misandry/misogyny MUST go up in order for our culture to start dealing with men's rights issues. Gender theory! BAH! I don't have to like it. I can and will preach out against contempt for any group. Contempt must be earned and a person you don't know has not earned contempt.

People: hear the message!
 
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January 5, 2006, 2:16 am PST

01/03 Love Resolutions

Quote From: momisme2

I understand that the first couple was incessantly bickering and needed to cut each other some slack over the little things.  However, I dont know many women(other then Robin apparently)who wouldnt get annoyed over grass-mud-snow-dirt-whattheheckever-getting tracked in all over their freshly washed floor.  Especially considering all one has to do is take off their shoes to solve this problem. 

  

I symapthize with this particular probelm as where I live(not Southern Ca like the doc and his wife) we get all kind of weather.  Every season something new is getting tracked in all over my white floor.  Which, btw, was a very bad decision on my part.  In the future I will be staying away from white linoleum!  tehe  Do I take it personally when the kids or hubby get mud and dirty snow all over?  Well yes!  I have to say that I do!  And the reason is IM the one who cleans the blasted floors!  Im also the one that has said, only about a million times, to please take off your shoes and place them on the shoe mat which is right by the doors and easily accessable.  It isnt rocket science, after all.  Its simply, in my view, a matter of consideration and respect.   

  

Hearing how Robin doesent care if clay(or whatever else)gets tracked in all over her floors had my eyebrows raised.  Had me wondering if she didnt have help with the housework.  Which, as the docs wife,  I would certainly hope that she did!  Personally, I would think something wasnt quite right if the doc didnt get some help in for Robin at least once a week.  But the point is, I dont know ANY woman who would be just fine and dandy with their husbands or children tracking in all sorts of nonsense all over the clean floors.  Now perhaps this is just me?  Are there actual women(besides Robin that is)who honestly wouldnt care if their hubbys tracked nonsense in all over the house when simply taking off their shoes would avoid the whole mess?  I dont any personally.  Are there any out in cyber land?   

  

Just curious!    :) 

I'm a man and do all the housework. No big deal...

I'd suggest changing your thinking. You are raising children, not clean floors. You are loving a man, not clean floors.

Oh I know ... I'll get after my wife for coming in from the farm with enough tobacco dust in her clothes to role a pack of smokes. That said, I do it in humor.  Cleaning a bit of a mess is better than having an unhappy wife.
 
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January 6, 2006, 2:11 am PST

Wow

There are many ways of seeing the Godhead. Not all of them will meet everyone's definition of the right way to see God.  A little basic give & take is needed here. To quote Niven & Pournelle "Grey is a very good color."

Curses and such? Most people will go an entire lifetime and never see the real thing. The real thing is rare. A real exorcist will work a lifetime and do two, maybe three, excorcisms. They real need is rare.  Almost all of the exorcisms you see in fundementalist churches are acting and blaming and wishfull thinking.

Oh I know all about the Bible! A lot of what the authors speak of is phrased in the local idiom of the times. Mental illnesses were described as "evil spirits." Today we know that is not the true way to see mental illness. Diseases such as leprosy were seen as indwelling spirits: We now know that the spirit in leprosy is a little bug which can be killed by a simple drug cocktail.

The skeptics take things too far: So do the true believers. (A true-believer believes X regardless of the facts. A skeptic denies X regardless of the facts.)

People tend to blame spirits for random chance. People want to blame someone or something for the bad in life. That is natural. The reality is, in the long run, better. Bad things happen to good people. If we work as hard as we can we can improve our chances of good things happening.

I could blame the tremor which makes my life hard on evil spirits. That would in no way change the fact that I have a tremor. Blaming spirits would not stop me from ruining so many shirts by dumping coffee/tea on them. The simple fact is I have a tremor and that is the way it is. I take a drug which works for me now. Eventually, if I live long enough it will not work. Pity. That's a pity, but it is the way things are.
 
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January 7, 2006, 2:31 am PST

Hmmm, No

Quote From: kit561

    I am so tired of seeing a pretty girl wearing sweats made over suddenly into a pretty girl wearing a skirt.  Sure, they put on some makeup, did her hair, and dressed her in feminine clothes.  So what?  She was pretty before.  There are some people, and I include myself among them, that are just plain ugly and nothing is going to help.  I'll never date again, never get remarried, and that's just life.  Shows like these seem to generate unreal expectations.   

    An ugly man can become rich or powerful and women will look past the exterior and find him attractive.  Men  don't care how honest or truthful a woman is, how kind or successful, it's all about 

the pretty face and body.  It's just the way it is.  I wish  

I was a lone father who hung around with other lone fathers: Most of us dated a lot.

I know some women who fit the definition of really ugly: Including one whose face was nearly burned off when she was a teenager. We lone fathers dated a good few of those women. One of us married the really ugly woman.

Why? Because beneath that scared face was a wonderful person. That scared woman married an NFL back. Not exactly wealthy, but doing OK. A decent man. A BIG MAN! Huge actually. He needed someone who could see around his mountanous size and see the sensitive man underneath. He needed someone who could see around 400 lbs of big with a 20 lb todler clinging to him.  She did, she could see what lay underneath.

Beauty will get a woman a first date. That is all it will get her.  There are many other ways to get a first date. Beauty is only one.
 
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January 9, 2006, 1:53 am PST

Just some thoughts

I'm a man who had custody: Kids now grown. These are some thoughts based on what I have seen, in no particular order:

1)  Step-moms: If there is friction between dad & mom, go with dad to pick up the kids. There has been an increasing problem with dads facing false charges during pick ups.

2)  Do everything possible to eliminate bad feelings.

3)  Don't ever say anything bad about the other parent.

4)  Visitation is mandatory, so is child support. That includes child support from non-custodial mothers.

5)  Abused men: Take the children and run to the nearest court house. Never ever leave your babies with an abuser.

6)  Judges in family court may well be biased against dads. That said, they are not stupid.

7)  If you have never done any of the day to day child rearing, don't waste everyone's time by filing a custody application.

8)  Try to negotiate a solution to any and all problems. Court is the last resort, not the first.

9)  Don't go after more money than you really need. Divorce is not a profit maker.

10)  Be reasonable.

11)  Do not try to substitute another person for mom or dad. Mom and dad are mom and dad for life: Period.

12)  Do not pass adult problems on to your children.

 
 
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January 10, 2006, 1:42 am PST

Importance: Mothers/Fathers

Look people, you gotta be real careful with this one. I'll show you two of the problems in the dataset, there are many more than two problems.


First off, lone fathers abuse their children at a much lower rate than lone mothers. By "lone" I mean the classical single parent situation with no other adult in the family. It is true that there is a lot less child abuse in lone father families. That said, the group lone fathers does not in any way match up with the group lone mothers. It is much much harder to become a lone father. That creates a partial filter.


The group lone mothers includes drug addicted young women who have a very high incidence of child abuse: These particular women change their boyfriends like they change their underwear. Unrelated males who have no attachment to the child, the child's mother or to child rearing itself have an atrocious rate of child abuse. There are almost no lone fathers who fall into that pattern and unrelated females with no attachments have a lower (still dangerously high) rate of child abuse.


The group lone fathers and the group lone mothers are too different to compare directly!


Next, the group "fathers" as used in studies often includes the mother's boyfriend. This artificially raises the rate of child abuse in the group fathers. We must be extremely careful to see exactly what is being measured when reading these studies!


Note: the feminist "women spend more time with the children" is a red herring. When time with the child is the prime factor there is no child abuse difference between the sexes. Fulltime stay-at-home dads do every bit as well as fulltime stay-at-home moms.


The reason there is more maternal child abuse than paternal child abuse has to do with the factors I discussed above when speaking of lone parent families.

 

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