Messages By: kitashla

 I think they missed something when helping Holly with her problem.  (The woman who experiences horrifying nightmares.)

Sleep Paralysis.  What she experiences is almost word for word what one experiences during sleep paralysis.

I've suffered from it for years.  I've often had horrifying nightmares of demons and evil, waking up to feel demonic presences over me and pushing on me, being unable to cry out or talk or even move, or yelling once I finally pull myself out of it.  Hearing the sound of demonic voices around my head and feeling an overwhelming sense of doom and evil.

It's horrifying and for years I also thought I was haunted by demons.  (It didn't help that I was raised in a pentacostal household where even my toys were apparently possessed by demons.)

It wasn't until someone told me about sleep paralysis that it all made sense.  The episodes are still terrifying, but I can now go to sleep afterwards.  I no longer have trouble sleeping for days because of them.  Knowing what was wrong has given me a great sense of peace.

The problem is that there isn't necessarily a fool proof  way to get rid of sleep paralysis.  There are some drugs that seem to work, but it isn't 100%.  I'm concerned that Holly will try these "visualization" methods and be dismayed when they don't work.  That it will more firmly place in her mind that she is haunted by demons when she simply is experience extreme amounts of stress and/or sleep deprivation.  (That's usually what triggers mine.)

The relief I felt when I realized it wasn't demons and that everything, for what it's worth, was normal was exhilirating.  I don't want anyone else who suffers from this to be any more scared than they have to be.

 Like everyone said, polyamory is a fairly common lifestyle.  The problem is that from what I can tell initially, the man in question is NOT practicing polyamory.  I'm not sure if what he's practicing has a name unless it's "let's pressure my wife into doing something so I can have my cake and eat it to".

Polyamory involves trust, openess and a willingness of both partners to engage in such a lifestyle.  Most of the time couples are clued in that they might enjoy this choice before long term marriage has set in.  Most of the time.

What the man in question is doing is nothing like that.  His wife has made it abundantly clear that this is not a lifestyle choice she wants for herself.  Him attempting to do anything other than accept that and move on is rather disgusting.  What he wants to be is a lecher and have her permission to do it.  Polyfidelity my hind quarters.  I'm curious to see the show and to see if he feels that it would be acceptable for her to go out and do the same.

It's people like this that give polyamory as a practice a bad name.

And I don't even live the lifestyle.  I just have friends who have chosen to engage in it.  I've never loved anyone else in life but my husband and I haven't got the time or energy to have a relationship with anyone else.  He looks at it in much the same way.  We've made the choice to have a one on one life.  Neither one of us is delusional enough to believe that changing our minds on that while the other one stays the same is perfectly okay.

Grant,

I lived with a form of you for the first 4 or 5 years of my marriage.  It was hell.  My husband worked hard.  He averaged 80 hours a week to keep food on the table, a roof over our heads and enable me to stay home with our children.  I appreciated it and I never once expected him to lift a finger once he walked in the door.  He had his job and I had my job.

The problem was that my job was never done well enough.  I would spend the time after I had put the children to bed scrubbing the house from top to bottom, only to have him walk in the door and point out what I had done wrong.  Instead of noticing the hand scrubbed kitchen floor, he would notice the dust on the top of the heating registers or refrigerator.  Instead of seeing the clean and sparkling bathroom, he would notice that I missed a spot on the mirror.

It drove me insane and eventually helped me spiral into depression where I just stopped doing anything.  What was the point since it was all going to be criticized anyway?  It was never good enough and I felt completely worthless as a person.  I felt completely worthless as a wife and it caused my sex drive to drop dramatically (which is saying something) because I felt completely and totally invalid as a person and a partner.  Like there was zero point in being around and how could he possibly find me attractive and sexy if I never did anything right. 

I'm still married to this man almost 5 years later.  I'm not settling nor have I simply gotten used to his ways.  I'm still married to this man because he experienced a huge wake up call and realized that this was no way to live. 

He realized that the only person he could change was himself.  He had no control over me.  He realized that a lot of his criticisms stemmed from his own personal inadequacies and that it seemed easier to try to change me then to fix what bothered him or admit that he was flawed.  When he stopped trying to change me and instead started to try and change how he felt/reacted towards me concerning the things he did, he found that the things that bothered him so much didn't bother him that much anymore.  He found new reasons to appreciate who I was as his mate instead of finding new reasons to wish I was different.

And the biggest change he noted was in me.  The more and more he changed himself, the more I changed myself as well.  And it wasn't even conciously.  I didn't even notice that some of the annoying patterns of behavior that I may have had (because we ALL have them) were disappearing.

As for housekeeping, well I've gotten much better.  The less he seems to care about having the house clean, the more it drives me to keep it perfect for him.  It's hard work, as I've got a 2 year old and an incredibly needy 6 month old as well on top of it.  But the more he treats me with respect and respects the job I do at home, the more it drives me to do everything in my power to make me happy.

I don't know if Dr. Phil addressed it in the show because I only caught bits and pieces of it (making dinner and other stuff) but it sounds like the things you want Kelly to do you want her to do them because if she does so, it signifies that she loves you enough to do those things.  Perhaps you feel pushed off to the side because to you it seems like she doesn't love you enough to complete the tasks you need to feel like all is right with your world and home?  I noticed that problem as well between us.  I would send him love letters and treats because that's how I wanted to be treated and he would do the random chore and housework because that's how he wanted to be treated.  So look into that as well.

However, like myself I imagine Kelly needs a bit more validation from you in order to feel up to tackling some of the extras you've mentioned.  I do think your list is a tad excessive.  Okay, a lot more than a tad.  Some of the stuff is a little out there and trust me, your kids won't end up as miscreants because the house is messy.  I promise.  But the basics like a relatively clean house, happy bathed and fed children, a little extra cleaning here and there, maybe a surprise nice meal and some alone time for the two of you will be much more likely to happen if you don't harp on the negatives so much.

I don't think you guys are a lost cause and I don't necessarily think you are an evil man.  I simply think you are misinformed as to what is realistic in such a family situation.  Look for reasons to appreciate Kelly and the more you look, the more you will find.  And as you validate her with all of those reasons, the less reasons you will find to criticize.

Though, I'm sorry Kelly, but the dining room scared me.:)  I'm kind of in agreement with Grant except that I think it would make a great bedroom for a 4 year old little girl.  But I'm kind of the anti-pink/anti-flowering kind of girl.:)

There is a proper way to criticize or rather offer constructive criticism.  I love to cook and get creative.  Sometimes this creativity results in things that don't taste quite as good as I thought it would.  Sometimes that's an understatement.:)

I've got no problem with my husband telling me that something wasn't exactly his favourite.  If I don't know that he doesn't like it, how am I supposed to know whether or not I should serve it again? 

But it's all in how he is telling me.  And I never once get the impression that he doesn't appreciate the effort that went into cooking for him.  Grading dinners, not so good of an idea.  That spreads resentment.  But mixing a little criticism once in awhile on top of normal praise and appreciation and there shouldn't be an issue at all.  That way she knows that you appreciate the effort but you wouldn't mind terribly if she never cooked that particular meal again. *snicker*

 Dr. Phil only missed one thing when it came to the last fellows addiction to gaming.

The gaming is a symptom of something else.  It's not so much the game as it is his desire to escape from his reality.  It's escapism.  I say that and I'm an avid gamer.  My husband and I play online games together at night after the kids go to bed.

And I know that whenever my husband starts to play too much to the point that it's consuming the part of his life that isn't at work, I know that something is bothering him deeply and he hasn't yet figured out a way to deal with it.  We went through several years where his gaming was obsessive and finally broke down the reasons for it.

Getting the guy off the game isn't going to change how connected with his family he is.  It's going to take why he's on the game in the first place.

 I how they always portray it that people will regret tattoos when they get older.  I know many tattoo'd older people and not one of them regrets it.  Well, I take that back, one of them regrets it, but that's because she converted to Christianity and her brand of Christianity thinks tattooing is sinful.  But outside of that, no one regrets them.

I am the married mother of three children.  I have tattoos.  I regret none of them.  Granted, I am responsible when it comes to them as I only put them in places that can be covered up easily.  (Namely, my back and shoulders.  Skin cancer is a epidemic in my family so I am unlikely to go out in a tank top or anything else like that.)

I also have various piercings and my earlobes are stretched to 0g.  (You can read through the holes in my lobes.)

I love all of these things and I love how they make me feel.  They make me feel beautiful because that is something I find attractive in other people.  Tattoos and piercings not sexy?  Hardly.  I find tattoos and piercings the ultimate sexy. 

And at this stage in my life it is unlikely that I will regret them.  Though that might be due in large part to the fact that I waited until I was in my mid 20's to get my first tattoo and to seriously be interested in body modification.

As for my kids, my kids think it's great.  Not something they want to do themselves, which is fine as they wouldn't be allowed to do such things until they were older.  (I don't even believe in piercing a girl's ears until she is old enough to rationally make the decision for herself.  Nothing bothers me more than parents deciding that they should be allowed to modify their daughters earlobes simply by virtue of being her parent.  Improperly pierced ears can cause scarring and 9 times out of 10 parents take their children to a jewelry store to have it done with is unsanitary and unprofessional.

Also, it gives my children the chance to see that just because someone dresses weird or looks weird it doesn't mean they ARE weird.  I am helping my children to learn to look inside the person instead of out.

Cindi's mother apparently thinks that judging people based on appearances is perfectly acceptable.  Which frankly, disgusts me and she should not be encouraged.  She can be embarrassed all she wants by Cindi's tattoos because that's HER issue.  Not Cindi's.  And she needs to find a way to deal with it as opposed to trying to change the person her daughter is.

I mean, for the love of God, look at the people Dr. Phil normally has on his show?  Teen pregnancy, drugs, stealing, dead beat, etc.  And her biggest problem is that her daughter likes tattoos?  Talk about priorities.

And for the record, with a full tattoo sleeve (tattoos covering your arms) you can still get a very good corporate job.  It's called long sleeves.  You would be surprised by how many lawyers/accountants/whatnots have tattoo sleeves.  You would never know they are there because for the most part all of these jobs require a suit.  And if not a suit, at the very least long sleeves.  But apparently, this logic escapes most people.

I'm just sick and tired of people judging others by their outward appearances and pretending that it's somehow okay to do such things.  It's not.  These people need to either grow up and/or look outside themselves and realize that not everyone in the world makes the same life decisions as them.  And frankly, I'm surprised at Dr. Phil for encouraging this behavior.  For making it okay for people to judge you for what you look like on the outside.

Yes, people may judge you, but that doesn't make it right.  And just because they do judge you it's no reason for you to change to suit their whims.  You don't change to make the world happy, you try to change the world.