Quote From: charlieb72I'm not sure what it is that i'm supposed write in here but i just felt a need to come and see and express myself about loosing a loved one. I'm a woman who's life was completely turned upside down a year and a half ago, loosing the love of my life in a way that still to this day seems so unimaginable. My soul-mate of a year and half had comitted suicide.It happened on a friday the 13th and the morning it happened we had an arguement concerning money and i left the house angry. He asked me where i was going and i was so angry that i simply said.."i dont know...I just don't know" and slammed the door behind me. I was not gone long(1 and half hours) and when i came home, after going to the public library to use the internet, I came back to find that he had hung himself. I have not been the same since that day. To this day there are foods i cant eat because he liked it , there are songs i cant listen too because it reminded me of us or him . I try to go on with my life and everyday it seems so hard to wake up without him and to lay alone everynight without him has been so hard. it has been only a little under a month that i have stopped crying every single day, everyday i cried, on the bus, at school, watching tv and at night when i go to sleep, that was how i would fall asleep. I don't cry everyday but it comes close.
I just can't seem to understand why? He left me no note or any clue.Did i say something , did i do something, what? and still i cant figure out why he left us. I feel like he gave up and he didn't love me or he loved me too much. Why me? Why did he feel like there was no way out. We were going to be ok, and the guilt of leaving that morning it is heavy to bear sometimes. People tell me "it's not your fault" but how am i supposed to believe that when i feel that i should have never left that morning. The worst part is that we barely faught in the year and a half we had been together, i can count on one hand the fighst we had. He was my absolute best friend and we did everything together. We were inseperable, the only time we were apart is whe i was in school and he would walk me to school and come get me after. We laughed together at the same silly things and we heard each other without saying a word. A simple look was all it took. I could never ask for more in a person than him. I was blessed our paths met and forever gratleful to have known him.
We met the day before mothers day, two months after we moved in together, two months later we were engaged and he brought me to meet his family in Trinidad. We planned to move to Trinidad and grow old there. We knew we were meant to be together and there was nothing or nobody that could tear us apart. He was my knight in shinning armour and I knew he was the one.
Just that week before his passing , we talked about getting married that summer in his homeland of Trinidad and we were to surprise his family and pay for their tickets to come. We were having money problems and it was going to be fine the following week (we were both going to recieve money), i know he always told people i was his backbone and without me he was nothing, and he alwasy told me that he loved me more than words can say. I loved this man more than anyhting i had ever loved before and my whole life i waited to meet a man like him and to have met him, loved him to have shared a life together is something i will cherish for the rest of my life.
its been a long hard struggle every single day. I battled with thoughts of suicide on more than one occassion and yet i am still here. I don't know how some people do it but i want to say i am proud of u if your reading this and feeling what i am. I miss hearing that and "I love you". Sometimes it just feels good to hear.
I really trying to get the words out on how I feel because like you it is so difficult to put our grief into words. I can't say I know how you feel cause I didn't lose my partner. I lost my daughter to suicide. She was having problems in her marrige and wanted a divorce from her husband. She called me and asked me to come up to Washington and help her I am from Oregon and I couldn't go because I have a 15 yr old son who is bipolar and was acting out. So I told her I couldn't come. 3 months later she was dead. I have beaten myself up over and over about my decision. I have did the if only so many times. It has been 2 years now. Now I try to be thankful that I had her in my life. Because like you I can't understand how she could have done this. Everybody has their reasons I guess. She also left behind 3 children. The pain that is left after someone commits suicide is sometimes unbearable at times. I took some advice from some one once and he said that our loved ones are now at peace and they have candles lit in heaven when they go out to play and our crying and sorrow sometimes put out their candles. I have to think that my daughter didn't mean to make me so sad. I got help thru and organization called the Survivors of Suicide because that is what we are.
I hope you can find some peace in you grief. My prayers are with you.
