Messages By: bluizeaz

His life is one tragedy after another, if it's not his kids, it's his job, it's his health...something every single day.  He blames it on  his family luck, he says his family is cursed, he says he was physically abused by his stepfather, he was trapped into marriage, he was lied to, cheated on...it is getting to the point where I hate talking to him cuz his life is SO darn depressing.  He has 2 marriages, 2 biological kids, 1 that he raised thinking she was his but later found out she wasn't, and one step shild he takes as his own.  so yes folks that is 4 children.  His ex wife is a meth addict just got out of prison last year for trafficking, his 2nd ex cheated on him, she is re-married but every time she fights with her husband she runs to my boyfriend.  He was in an accident last year that injured his back, he was just taken off work amd will probably end up on short term disability.  Great, even less time to do anything.  Now I should say that he treats me wonderfully, flowers, fixes everything without me even asking, asks for my opinion, lets me be me.  The problem is, being around him sucks the life out of me.  He is the sweetest man but he's like a friggin trainwreck.  I broke up with him once because the constant dramam was too much to bear. We got back together ecause well, I felt like at 38 I was never going to find anyone who treated me so well.  But now just 3 months later I feel stuck again, I feel like I have to horrible black cloud overhead.  I am a successful, single woman, never married, no kids, own my house, good job, great friend, family and used to have a very full life.  Now I feel guilty for spending money I have on things I like him cuz he can't afford to do the same, going out to nice restaurants are a thing of the past...he can't afford it nor can he comprehend spending more that $20 for dinner for two.  Seriously, I took him out and dinner was $50, pretty cheap I thought for dinner and drinks and he was amazed...this was at a chain steakhouse!!  I hate chains but have had to compromise on where we go because he has never had anything in his life.  He says, "I am trying to be positive but life won't let me.  I am not meant to be happy in this life I am meant to sacrifice for the good of others".  I say sacrifice for your children is one thing but being a martyr is another, think about what you are teaching them.  I am really worried that I am making a huge mistake and I don't have time to waste here.  Life is already passing me by...Ive made numerous bad choices like this but that is for another board.  how do I get my boyfriend to stop being such a victim?

My boyfriend's  life is one tragedy after another, if it's not his kids, it's his job, it's his health...something every single day.  He is so negative and thinks life sucks then you die.  He blames it on his family luck, he says his family is cursed, he says he was physically abused by his stepfather, he was trapped into marriage, he was lied to, cheated on...it is getting to the point where I hate talking to him cuz his life is SO darn depressing.  His motto for life is "just another day in paradise".  Mine is "Life Rocks!"   He has 2 divorces, 2 biological kids, 1 that he raised thinking she was his but found out she wasn't when she was born 3 months early, and one step shild he takes as his own.  His first ex wife is a meth addict just got out of prison last year for dealing, he says his 2nd ex cheated on him, but the story is a convaluted mess of them breaking up and getting back together. She is re-married but every time she fights with her husband she runs to my boyfriend.  Her and her husband just split up and where did she go?  She went to my bf and he took her and their kids in until she found an apt.  I said, you have to do what you have to do for your kids but she runs to you because she knows she can.  I was out of town visiting my family for the holidays so I wasn't around when all of this happened.  He says nothing happened between them but he also said that she did ask him about working things out.  He told me that he said no, I don't trust you. Which is different than I have no feelings for you, right? It's weird because sometimes he says what an awful parent and person she is and that he doesn't care what happens to her.  Then he says well she takes good care of the kids and because she was adopted she is screwed up.  I say, ya know my childhood was filled with abuse and crap too, but I rose above, helped myself thru therapy and now I have a wonderful relationship with my family.  Excuses I say, victim mentality.    

  

He was in an accident last year that injured his back, he was just taken off work and will probably end up on short term disability. Now, the kicker is he was seeing a Dr for a year, didn't get better but refused to see another Dr for a second opinion because he was the family Dr.  SO, now he is off work, depressed, sore and I feel bad for him.  I told him to use this tiem to take a class or look into starting that business he wants.  Selfishly I think, great, even less money to do anything.  I am not saying he needs money, I have paid many times just so we could do things.  ANYTHING, just to get out and have a life other than what is new at the video rental place.  He is a video game junkie, spends hours on them...me I hate the violence and have only played them twice...the racing games.  He lets his 6 year old play killing games...I disagree but I am not his parent.  SO, I haven't been staying with him because the game is always on. 

  

Now I should say that he treats me good, I get flowers, cards, he always tells me how much he loves me, he always says I am the sunshine in his life, pressure!  The problem is, being around him sucks the life out of me.  He is a very sweet man but his life is a friggin trainwreck.  I broke up with him once because the constant drama was too much to handle. I felt my spirit dying.  We got back together because well, I felt like at 38 I was never going to find anyone who treated me so well.  But now just 3 months later I feel dead again, I feel like I have a horrible black cloud overhead.  My family and friends say I am not shining anymore, that my "light" is gone.  I am a successful, single woman, never married, no kids, own my house, good job, great friends, loving family and used to have a very full life.   He says, "I am trying to be positive but life won't let me.  I am not meant to be happy in this life I am meant to sacrifice my happiness for the good of others".  I say sacrifice for your children is one thing but being a martyr is another, think about what you are teaching them.  I am really worried that I am making a huge mistake and I don't have time to waste.  Life is passing me by...I've gotten myself back into therapy to figure out why would I choose this for myself.  BUT I feel like leaving him now is a horribly selfish thing to do.  I need serious help, thank you! 

Thank you for the reply.  Yes, I do call him on his excuses, but trying to do that everytime is draining too.  I JUST had the conversation wiht him today that is negativity was draining me.  He said he is trying to change, he wants to change but life isn't letting him.  I called him a victim and told him to take back his personal power.  Then I was exasperated so I didn't sya anything, it's always something.  Today it's his roommate lying to him about getting a job, apparently the guy was pretending to have a job but he caught him home today sleeping.  He was all upset about that, granted that isn't pleasant but I said well then you have some decisions to make.  How much time will you give him to get a job and you should probably start looking for a place to live that you can afford on your own.  There is no way in hell I am having him move into my house.  I work hard for that house and I am not gonna have all that negative energy in it.  He was like I don't want to move i love this house etc, he need to get a job, blah blah.  I said well if you stay and he doesn't get a job then you are choosing to aaccept that so you can complain about it.  It's pretty simple, he disagreed and said he should get a job etc...well we all make choices.  Last night he gave me this beautiful card about how much he loved me and how lucky he is to have me in his life etc.  I was like great that's just what I needed to hear.  God grant me the courage!!   Anyway, yeah therapy is definitly going to help.  I can't wait to start, these are the exact questions I am going to ask because I do not want to go thru this ever again.   For some reason every part of my life is together except that crappy choices I make in men.  Strange, considering my father was the saving grace in my childhood.  My mom was the one I had issues with.  Well, believe me I am going to get myself together enouogh to leave this man and never look back.  Thank you!

My boyfriend swears his family ahs been cursed for generations to have horrible uck and bad things happen all the time to them.  I say, not true and the only reaosn all this negativity is in your life is that you buy inot it and expect it.  Curses have no power if you don't believe in them.  His life is just one negative experience after another but I see where he coudl ahve made better choices to stop the madness but he disagrees, it is out of his hands, not his fault...blah blah blah.  he told em the other night that he thinks my positive attitude would come between us because I fail to realize what the truth is about life, that I see the world through rose colored glasses and that I can "convince" myself I am happy but in reality I'm not.  He thinks that I live in some make believe Polly anna world where everything is perfect...I don't I simply choose to have a positive perspective on life, I choose to be grateful for everything I have in life and I choose to be happy.  For me, I think life is good...it's a world of possibilities, for him it's a struggle to survive.  I must say that generally he is awesome to me, thoughtful, loving, giving, forces me to speak my truth, asks for my opinion, is open to communicating...he just let all of this loose the other night and he said he sees us needing to work through these differences if we can have a future together.  On one hand I love this man with all my heart, he really is just a good solid man...but on the other hand, I see his negativity and it drives me crazy...sucks me dry sometimes.  He is never negative towards me, even in talking the other night he wasn't threatening or anything, he was simply stating that is how he feels.  SO, anyway...how do I deal with him?   

My boyfriend swears his family has been cursed for generations to have horrible luck and bad things happen all the time to them.  I say, not true and the only reason all this negativity is in your life is that you buy into it and expect it.  Curses have no power if you don't believe in them.  His life is just one negative experience after another but I see where he could have made better choices to stop the madness but he disagrees, it is out of his hands, not his fault...blah blah blah.  He told me the other night that he thinks my positive attitude would come between us because I fail to realize what the truth is about life, that I see the world through rose colored glasses and that I can "convince" myself I am happy but in reality I'm not.  He thinks that I live in some make believe polly anna world where everything is perfect...I don't I simply choose to have a positive perspective on life, I choose to be grateful for everything I have in life and I choose to be happy.  For me, I think life is good...it's a world of possibilities, for him it's a struggle to survive.  I must say that generally he is awesome to me, thoughtful, loving, giving, forces me to speak my truth, asks for my opinion, is open to communicating...he just let all of this loose the other night and he said he sees us needing to work through these differences if we can have a future together.  On one hand I love this man with all my heart, he really is just a good solid man...but on the other hand, I see his negativity and it drives me crazy...sucks me dry sometimes.  He is never negative towards me, even in talking the other night he wasn't threatening or anything, he was simply stating that is how he feels.  SO, anyway...how do I deal with him? 

OK, so my BF of 18 months has been wearing me down. The guy has 0 patience with anything, he sometimes talks to his kid like I wouldn't talk to anyone...for example - "You'd screw up a wet dream, you're a moron." for simple things as not putting the water away right or shutting a drawer right or not moving fast enough when asked for something. Isn't that enough to make me leave? No, I stay because I think the kids need a positive influence in their lives. He actually yelled them for giggling once while they were playing. Seriously, I need help.

So this past weekend we went to an all day party event, there was a lot of alcohol and it involved canoeing, camping etc. I got out to walk in the river since it was an awesome day and I slipped on a rock and fell and cut both my legs up...he got angry at me. never asked how i was just mad because I fell. Then after 2 years of quitting smoking for some stupid reason I decided i wanted a puff of my friend's smoke, it tasted awful but he caught me and at first I said I didn't then I said admitted it and well now he says I destroyed all the trust we have built. He isn't sure he can get over it or will get over it...a little on the drama king side if you ask me. it was just a puff and a reaction. Yes we had been drinking all day so that didn't help but he told me the trust stuff today after not talking to me since Sunday.

It seems like every time we have an issue it's my fault, he is never wrong and even when he is and I call it out he refuses to believe he is wrong and has a reason for it being my fault. Then he'll say something like I didn't know you had those kind of issues, you need help with that. Anyway, I feel like I am in an emotionally abusive relationship sometimes. I feel like I am constantly trying to compensate for something but I don't know what. I also feel like he really has no idea why I have all the friends I have or why people tell him I'm awesome...it's like he refuses to give me compliments and when he does they feel forced. Then he acts all sensitive like I destroy his world by a stupid drunk decision...I mean I didn't harm him or his kid or cheat...I took a drag off a freaking cigarette and said I didn't. Am I wrong for thinking this is blown WAY out of proportion. I know I need counseling but I lost my job and can't afford it. There is a part of me that wants to leave and a part that is afraid if I do. My best friend said she can't believe what i am dealing with from him and that she is worried I'm going to end up not being me. Frankly so am I, we live together so it's not as easy as just breaking it off. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks