Messages By: reallylost

I just don't care anymore. Call it an excuse if you want.  

I am not going to run down the list of rotten things that have happened in my life.  

I just lost my husband to suicide. I have no desire to even want to try anymore.  

I am emotionally exhausted. There is no one to help and I don't care enough to help myself.  

I have reached out for help & run into brickwalls.  

If I don't care there's no reason why anyone else should. 

The daily suicide rate in the USA alone is 80.    

80 lives who feel they have no hope. 

My husband's recent suicide has left me there too.  

I just shake my head in dismay when people say anyone can "pull up their socks"...shake it off.  

Not everyone is in a good place in their life. You reach out & you reach out only to be pushed aside or ignored.  

My heart hurts for folks who are in so much emotional pain that they can't see any hope.  

Sure, there are those wonderful success stories like we see on some of the shows...but what about all the "loss & not coping well" ones??? Their path to success may have worked for them & it may work for someone else. What about the ones who are struggling & struggling with no one to care?  

Like I said in my first reply, there's no point in listing all the "bad" that has happened in my life. For me, that IS in the past..  But a person gets to the point of feeling they really have had enough so why bother anymore.  

I have never wanted pity. I have wanted good help. That help is elusive.  

Although  I am really lost, I would like to share something I have found.  

FOR SUICIDE SURVIVORS

BLESSED are those who recognize our grief is compounded; that we grieve
the death of a beloved person but foremost, we grieve the cause of the
death...suicide.
BLESSED are those who give us permission to mourn the loss of one dearly
loved, free of judgment, censure and shame.
BLESSED are spiritual guides who relieve our concerns for the repose of our
loved one's soul with the truth that God is All-Knowing, All-Loving and
All-Forgiving.
BLESSED are those who don't offer the meaningless cliché, "Time Heals",
because, for a long while, the passing of time holds no meaning or value
for us.
BLESSED are those who don't say, "I know just how you feel", but instead
say, "I am here for you. I will not tire of your tears or your words of
sorrow and regret."
BLESSED are those who have the patience and love to listen to our
repetitive obsession with WHY? without offering useless answers or
explanations.
BLESSED are those who reaffirm the worth of our deceased beloved by
sharing memories of his/her goodness and times of fun, laughter and
happiness.
BLESSED are the mental health care providers who explain to us that, very
probably, our loved one died of a terminal illness called depression.
BLESSED are those who challenge our sense of omnipotence with the
reminder that no one has enough power or control over another to cause
them to end their life. 

BLESSED are the first responders to our loved one's suicide who try to
relieve our sense of guilt and responsibility by assuring us "This death is
not your fault".
BLESSED are those who lend acceptance to the value of the relationship
we shared with the one who died by allowing us to speak of them and
'what might have been'.
BLESSED are those that allow and encourage us to use our loved one's
death in a manner that gives our loss and grief meaning and purpose.
BLESSED are those who do not expect us to find "closure", "grief
resolution", "recovery" or to "be healed", understanding that these terms
define 'grief work in progress' that will take the rest of our life.
BLESSED are community caregivers who direct us to suicide bereavement
support groups where our anguish is understood, our loss validated and
where we are encouraged by the example of others who have traveled
this road before us.
BLESSED are long-term survivors after suicide who role-model not only can
we survive, but, in time, we can thrive…we can regain peace of mind,
restored confidence, renewed productivity and a revived zest for living. 

Please see me through my tears

by Unknown

You asked, "How are you doing?" As I told you, tears came to my eyes...and you looked away and quickly began to talk again.

All the attention you had given me had drained away. How am I doing?" I do better when people listen, though I may shed a tear or two. This pain is indescribable. If you've never known it, you cannot fully understand.

Yet I need you. When you look away, I am again alone with it.

Your attention means more than you can ever know. Really, tears are not a bad sign, you know! They're nature's way of helping me to heal.They relieve some of the stress of sadness ....but you are wrong.

The memory of my loved one's death will always be with me, Only a thought away. My tears make my pain more visible to you, but you did notgive me the pain...it was already there.

When I cry, could it be that you feel helpless, Not knowing what to do?

You are not helpless, And you don't need to do a thing but be there. When I feel your permission to allow my tears to flow,you've helped me

You need not speak. Your silence as I cry is all I need. Be patient...do not fear. Listening with your heart to "how I am doing" relieves the painfor when the tears can freely come and go, I feel lighter.

Talking to you releases what I've wanted to say aloud,clearing space for a touch of joy in my life.

I'll cry for a minute or two... and then I'll wipe my eyesand sometimes you'll even find I'm laughing later.

When I hold back the tears, my throat grows tight, my chest aches, my stomach knots...because I'm trying to protect YOU from my tears.

Then we both hurt ME, because my pain is held inside,a shield against our closeness and YOU, because suddenly we are distant.

I have been trying to find a book on grieving the suicide of a spouse.  

I see many of kids, but nothing on spouses.  

thank you very much.  

While grief is a lonely personal thing....grief from a suicide is very complex. 

It's so hard to fathom that someone you love & they loved you could end their life & take it all away.  

It wasn't me or us that was troubling him. That makes the acceptance so hard. 

Friends tend to "let you go" because they can't understand the pain either. They don't even like to bring up his name because they don't want to hurt me. That is so wrong. I NEED to be able to talk about him.  

Friends are mad at him for "doing" this to me. I can understand their anger at him...I have feelings of anger at him also. But I have more love & empathy for what took him there than anger.  

It's a wild roller coaster ride of emotions.  

I am just exhausted with it all.  

This is another new day. Everyday is a coin toss for me to see if I get tired of it all too.  

I don't know if feeling lost comes here anymore to read.  

Odd how I picked the name reallylost.  

My husband recently commit suicide also. My life & world make no sense at all anymore.  

I walk around in my body but nothing feels real anymore. .....only the pain. My mind spins so fast. 

I do not blame myself. I understand it was his choice. But, I can get so lost in the empathy of how he was feeling & takes me deep in that pain. That part of it makes me think & re-think anything that I could have done differently to help him. I think the answer is no.  

When my mind can leave the pain he was feeling alone...it brings me back to my pain & trying to cope with it. It's too horrific. Totally reality has not set in for me yet. A place in my mind just can't comprehend how or why he could do this. We loved eachother. We were best friends. It was other stuff. But how could he do this & leave me with all this pain.  

Everyday I want to join him. Everyday I am exhausted with coping. I haven't found that one thing yet that makes me want to hang on.  

I could write a book on all the I feel. All that I fear. But I just don't even have the energy to try & think.  

I went & looked at those 2 sites you gave me. The bottom one in particular has alot of good info in it.  

Thank you for sharing them with me.  

Surviving the loss of a loved one to suicide leaves you feeling so alone. Many friends can't understand what "we" feel. The grief is so complex. We have to deal with the shock for of what they did....then the horror of the reality. In my case...the method was horrific. It's hard to even let your mind deal with it....even though it's there in your thoughts 24/7. 

I went & looked at her site.  

This is going to sound pathetic, but there's not even a proper library around here.  

And I am so financely distressed I can't afford to buy these books.  (not trying to sound whiney...just stating a fact)  

That's part of my even getting help. So far out in the country...and pinching pennies so tightly to even just get by.  

Walls....nothing but brick walls.  

So websites with helpful ideas is good.  

I appreciate your posting them for me.  

thank you. 

Yes, I did see that show.  

Dr Phil made some good points to her but there was alot he missed in validating her pain.  

It can't just be brushed off because "the other person" made the choice to take their life.  

I work hard myself to get that mental image of how my husband completed suicide. It's not a horror picture that is going to leave my mind anytime soon. Like the other woman, my husband went in a horrific way. 

The mind stays in shock for a long time. I think it's a way of saving itself. I know I haven't even gotten to the point of accepting yet. It hasn't been that long.  

It's a nightmare to live with.  

I can't even think today & maybe that's a good thing. 

So much wants to come out, but it's stuck.