Messages By: reallylost

You are a gem.  

Today is a horrid day for me. Just no peace.  

It was a ...do I take a bath, one pill & a nap....or just take a whole bunch of pills day.  

There's an online meeting tonight so I hope I calm down abit.  

I am checking out these sites you are finding form me. I have a list going of the books also.  

One of the sites, a lady got back to me...just a note of encouragement. She also recommended one of the books you suggested.  

I really do thank you for finding these things for me. I've been feeling so "left on my own" to find my way. And I am so far down that I can't do that.  

thank you.   

Boy, asking about the kids takes me to the whole other side of this.  

This is going to be long...so bear with me.  

He has been divorced for a long time before I met him. He had 2 sons. I met the boys & became friends even before we started dating.  So liking & falling in love with the boys was easy.  

Things were great for a long time. His ex & I would even go shopping together.  

Then her new marriage started falling apart...eldest son moved out on her because he couldn't stand him step-dad. Youngest son was too young to leave. Youngest son started into drinking & drugs.  

She finally moved out & took youngest with her. She was always calling us to tell youngest son NO he couldn't do this or that...so my husband was put into the roll of the bad guy. She would then turn around & let the youngest do whatever he wanted anyway.  

The breaking point in the father/son relationship went like this.....the mom found out who the drug/booze supplier was. She asked my husband to call the police. He did with no problem. We wanted to do anything to save this young man from himself. We both had talked to him about our early yrs with drugs etc.....Anyhow,  when he found out the police had been called, he thought it was his friends who ratted him out. The mom told him it was his dad. From that day forward the son took on the "hating his dad" attitude.  

We loved him dearly & would not bend to her games with him. It was so clear she was letting him get away with anything to keep him living at home with her. She even took the attitude of since he & I had gone down the drug road many yrs ago we were just hypocrates. We had no right to tell this "child" NO.  

If I haven't mentioned this somewhere...we drive truck for a living. I had been home for awhile due to health issues.  

But my husband  & I would talk on the puter whenever we had the chance along with many phone calls daily. The boys could talk to their dad on IM also. (we have a laptop for in the truck) 

After the police thing....everytime the son seen his dad on IM...he would come on  & say " F off..I hate you" 

Months of this...months of it eating away at my husband. He would try to talk to his son. The mom just interferring & making it worse.  

We had paid for driver ed for the older son. He was a responsible young man. etc etc etc. 

So when the younger one was wanting to get behind the wheel..we said NO WAY. Ths young person is showing no responsibilty in life at all. So she was making even small things hard for my husband. She got a lawyer  to try & sue him over little things like not wanting to pay for his driver ed.  

We loved him.....told him we loved him always..but were standing on the tough love stance.  

She was letting him away with everything.  

But those daily messages of "F off & I hate you" to my husband were eating away at him constantly. He would sit & cry over it.  

The ex was alway sending him nasty emails.  

There was no reason this woman should have turned against us or my husband. I truly mean that.  

She just wasn't seeing that her fear of losing her baby was turning her into a not thinking person.  

So you know what the last words to his dad were.  

One of the first things the ex said when I told her what happened was asking me if I would split his ashes....that money was no object.  I told her that money had always been her object...(for a lot or reasons for things she had done of late) 

We had paid her a whole yr of child support for the oldest who had moved out & was working full time. It goes on & on.. . 

The oldest son came down here the night before the service. He knew what all had been going on for almost 2 yrs. Actually it was him who told us his brother was drinking.  

My anger towards the ex & the youngest pretty high. I was so angry at how they had been making him feel. I personally did not want them here. (The memorial was at our home in the garden) 

Friends said they would keep her out...but I felt  I had to let them be here to honour him. But keep them away from me. So friends warned them...to stay away from me.  

The ex kept her distance. But the youngest didn't. He came into the house to track me down.  

I was glad there were friends there with me. I so wanted to lash out at him...I wanted to scream at him. But I calmly told him that if we were to get through this day I had something to say.  

I asked him if he had any idea how much his dad loved him?  Did he have any idea how much it ripped his dad's heart out everytime he said those awful words to him? 

He started to deny it. I told him not to bother..I had seen it for myself. He just turned  & stopped out of the room.  

They all avoided me then...& at some point after the service the boys left. I haven't seen them since.  

Their first place is with their mom.  The mom said I had gone over the edge with the son...that was a lie. Like I said,  glad others were in the room.....I wasn't sure of my own sanity that day anyhow. But they assured me I was very composed & calm with him. Not out of line or mean.  

Then the letters from her lawyer started. She was claiming that we hadn't paid child support...yadda yadda yadda...   I am glad that I have always been an organized person. It took me about 5 minutes to get my hands on all the cancelled cheques showing he was up to date with payment.  

So somewhere along the way...she has lost her reality too.  

As much as I miss the boys...and I know he would want them to be part of my life....I can not let them near me as long as she is poisioning their minds. They are old enough to know the truth. They will remember all the great times they had here with us....but until that tme kicks in for them, I have to keep them away from me.  

The youngest sent me a hate email after the service. I answered him & told him the truth...that his mom had gotten his dad to call the cops. So she knew all about it. And how it was her that had gotten his dad to tell him no for going to concerts etc.  But of course, the mom denies it all so that her son will still love her.  

I was soclose to both of those boys.  

I am not saying I blame her or the youngest for his choice...but they played a big part of the constant harrassing that was eating away at him. I pray for them to find peace. I pray to release the bitter feelings that linger for me over it.  

But for now...I cannot be around their denyng attitude. I know they hurt over this too.  

There's been so much more she's done  to me since his suicide, but do you know what.....it doesn't even matter.  

So that's the "children" part of it in a nutshell.  

I am exhuasted from reliving all that in my mind.  I will come back later to see if you have read this.