Messages By: buzy3bz

I am a stepparent to 2 older children. Watching for the past 8 years how my husband and the children's mother used the kids at that time, 4 & 7, as their pawns for playing games. The mother would throw the children at us if she couldn't get them under control or she wouldn't let my husband have them on his weekend. My husband did his fair share of pawning his children also. They both have shared parenting with every other weekend and split holidays. Then it got to the point that I was the one in charge of taking them to school, doctor, or dentist. I was the one who showed for school conferences. This went on for 3 years until I put my foot down with both my husband and the children's mother and said, I love these kids as if they were my own, but you both made these kids, it's time to step up to the plate. I took a step back and let them take over. I was put into that situation both by marriage and allowing my husband and the kids' mother to push the responsiblities on me at that time. I think the stepmother on the show should step back and the father step up to the plate. He seems too laid back just like my husband was. There is the court system that will help with visitation to see that it is followed thru if visitation and court orders are in place. Also there should be a neutral place for drop offs. We have one in our hometown.  

Now on the other hand, I've had 3 children with my husband, 3, 5, 6, and after his violence, drinking, and occasional drug use, I went to a lawyer to see what could be done. I put a restraining order on my husband for the violence, which in turn gave me custody of my kids along with child support. We are still married and living seperate even though he's been trying to blackmail me and push his way back into living with me with his threats of quiting his job and where would I go then and the kids wouldn't have nothing. He's doing the same number on me or trying to that the other mother of the other children and he had done for years. My husband now acted like the violent dad on the show. How he says he doesn't do drugs, but smoke weed. How he's not an alcoholic but had a few beers a bit ago. That's the same thing I hear. I'm afraid to let my husband have my children for a day let alone an hour. He is suppose to have supervised visitation.  

I need Dr Phil to come to my home and help put his foot down with where my husband is concerned. Or I need help with decision making as I would like to divorce my husband. I paid $1500 for dissolution that my husband wouldn't sign, but we've been living this way for 3 years now. So I can't fork out any more money right now as my youngest son is ill with asthma. 

I could keep going on and on.  

Oh my, oh my. So I'm not the only one who's confused about the home situation. I'm 37 and have been married since 1998. I saw red flags go up before I married my husband, but, with family helping push to get married because I was 30, I chose to marry my husband without much thought. He had 2 children from a previous relationship and then now, we have 3 together. My brakes failed and I couldn't stop before, during, or even now in this marriage. My husband is very controlling and he is very good at manipulation and using the kids, and maybe it's not directly but can still affect them. I've threw my husband out 2 times and took him back each time and then finally moved out of the house with the children and after 2 years, he just moved in. It was a mistake that I continue to make. My husband hasn't changed. He's like a kid himself. Isn't responsible. And now feel stuck because I don't want to keep putting my children through this relationship. I have taken my husband to court for support because he hasn't allowed me to work outside the home, and everytime I did, he would make it impossible for me to go and I would end up getting fired. I receive child support  and he threatens that if I divorce him, he'll run and I won't get a penny from him. I have 2 children with disabilities and it is impossible for me to work at his point due to the compromising positions of their disabilities. He tells me every day that if I don't like it, divorce him, and I won't get a penny. I keep telling him, it's not for me, it's for his kids. I haven't had a new wardrobe, new shoes, or anything new in probably 4 years. Everything goes towards bills and the children for their needs. I'm just so confused, because of his threats. He tells me he'll never change and this is the way it is. I have 2 choices he says, to either drop the support and be a family or to keep living the way we are. If I drop the support, he has a history of not paying bills and spending fivorously. He already had us lose one home and vehicles, I'm not jeopardizing the lives of my children and having them not have a home to live in. He's hung up on the sexuality of a relationship. I'm like Amber, I don't like being groped in front of the children. It's inappropriate. There is more to a marriage than sex. I don't know how to feel. I get angry with myself because I'm caught in something that I feel I can't take a stand for. I don't know whether to be quiet and live the rest of the 14 years until my youngest is 18 and then get out or to get out now. I should have never taken my husband back. Amber shouldn't take hers back either. They won't change. Don't take them back. My husband and I were better towards each other when we were separate than together.