Messages By: noraann

I was abused by my father from age 8 to 17.  I do not have repressed memories of it, I never forgot it or had it pop into my head 10 or 20 years later about it.  I could never understand how people could "forget" and then "recall" it years later.  That's just me.

I could never "leave" my body, when these incidents happened.  There was a pregnancy scare.  And the fact that I was responding to the sexual advances confused me because it felt so good.

That's another thing that isn't talked about.  We just think a 9 or 12 year old kid doesn't feel any sexual stimulation or pleasure.  I recall my first orgasm and everything.  I remember the immediate shame afterward, that I shouldn't feel this good, that this good feeling shouldn't be bad.  I shouldn't be having orgasms with my father.

Of course, there was a downside.  I could not "perform" with other men.  I would shut down.  Any signs of pleasure would immediately get squashed.  I couldn't climax.  I even ended up having trouble with penetration, it would hurt incredibly.  I abstained from sex and just became celibate.  It just wasn't worth the physical pain and the disappointment of not being able to be with a man.

My father died years ago and I'm nowhere closer to finding a good man, settling down and getting married.  I have no children.  I cry when I see couples holding hands, and watching romantic comedies and movies are starting to get painful to watch.  I used to enjoy watching these things just to keep my mind off things but instead, I notice as time goes on that I'm worried I may be losing out on a prime time in my life and I may have to realize that I may end up unmarried and never knowing what it is to be in love and carry a child.

I consider myself a survivor.  I have gone to get professional help when I could afford it.  I will continue to seek help when I can because I want to be at peace.  I don't know if I'll ever get to that point with the hubby and kids.  I envy those who are able to overcome their early abuse and still find a good man and have great kids.   I want a partner to go through life with and have adventures with, including having his children and be proud of him and my kids.

I also can't help but think, I've seen the dark side of man as well as the good.  And would I ever trust my husband with our children?  Would I constantly be looking at other people like teachers, priests, doctors, people I'm supposed to trust, with my kids?  Will I be so scared that I'll end up isolating them and they will have zero social skills and be ill equipped to interact with the real world?

Not everyone is nice and not everyone is evil.  How to tell?  I'm still trying to figure it out.  I don't know if I'll ever find that level of comfort with a man but I know a part of me is sorely missing it.  Deeply.  I want that intimacy, I want that love, I want to fall in love.  I want to heal and move forward.  That's all I know.  I just need to know how to keep healing.

I keep asking this question and no one seems to want to answer me.  I wrote to Dr. McGraw and emailed but no response.  I realize he is busy, so I went on line to incest survivor groups.  All kinds of advice and support but my question still remains.

How can I warn the women in my abusers life what he is? 

It happened decades ago, I can't prove a thing, so if I tell his wife, or daughters, or anyone for that matter, can he sue me for slander?  Will the police, or anyone, give a damn about what happened 40 years ago?  What do I do if I find out he has molested dozens of other children while I remained silent all these years?  How do I face them and tell them I prefered my own sense of security to their safety? 

In this age of instant communication, finding this reprobate isn't the problem.  I'm sure in a few days I could probably find him myself.  I don't want him involved in my life in any way.  I don't want to give him any reason to want to see me, or talk to me, or be anywhere near me.  Just the thought of being in the same room with him fills me with dread. 

I want to tell you that  really feel for you. but what i do know for a fact, is first you need to forgive yourself.   although  i was abused by my father and raped as a young girl.  i was able to let the past go and seek counseling.but i also got a lot of help from changing my life and running to the arms of God!! hat has helped me more than anything.