Messages By: lucky24

I'm so afraid to do this - the honesty you encourage me to give is so refreshing; but I'm so scared.  I screwed up; and I'm so afraid of losing everything that my husband & I have been through.  You are so right; I did allow this to happen.  I could have had my usual "Im married" barrier on, but I didn't.  Everything is a mess right now, and we have two young impressionable sons.   

In our house, everthing is a facade.  We act happy; we eat happy; we do homework happy; etc...... 

That's not real life.  Mommy made a HUGE lifetime mistake.  Can they every forgive me???  Will I ever have the courage to let them know???? 

Thanks for your opinion.  I'm just scared...... 

I have a hypothetical question about cheating ... But of course it's based on a friend of mine's real situation!   She had an emotional affair about 5 years into her marriage during an extremely difficult time in her life (for reasons that had nothing to do with her husband).  She did not have sex with the other guy, but they did "make out" and she was heavily emotionally invested.  Both were married to other people and the affair lasted about 6 months.  It's been over 3 years since then and the woman now has 2 children with her husband.  The situation is very much more stable and she says she would never cheat again, especially now that there are children involved.  But she struggles with whether she should tell her husband.  He does know that she was spending a lot of time with that guy. She was honest with him each time she was with the other guy and told her husband that the guy was just a very good listener.  In some way, her husband probably does know or suspect that it crossed a line.  But should she bring it up after all this time and come clean with him?   

I appreciate not only what you wrote, and your "getting it" ; but what I have read from all the boards.  I have learned much in the past few days, and thank all of you for your honesty. 

I have made a decision, I'm working on my marriage.  Went to counseling today, again; had already cut off contact.  It is not in anyone's best interest for me to continue to be in touch with the "guy", until we can figure out what to do at home.  I feel terribly about the choice I made that night; and the contact after that.   

I need to be honest with myself, to sort out your opinions from my own.  I do want you to know that I appreciate your opinions, and was looking for help; its why I wrote in.  I wonder how many people have experienced this.  Those of you who wrote about selfishness - you are so right.  I was thinking not of the hurt I may have caused anyone, or the wake of destruction, but only how good I felt, and how much I missed feeling this way.  I'm very ashamed of that.  I have decided to try to find a way that works, to make this happen at home.  Some of you wrote that I put my children before my husband - you are also right!  In the blink of an eye; it felt like I had 3 children, instead of 2 children and a spouse.  And I let that happen. 

I have many more thoughts on this.....some more philosophical than others; but will reserve them for now.  Mostly I wanted to express my appreciation for the time all of you took to help someone you don't even know. 

I was totally surprised about the mothers attitude, does she know how lucky she is to have a man put up with her negativity for that long, the poor me syndrone! He has tried to change. Sounds like she should think more about being a good mother & wife than turning everyone against her. If I saw myself on TV acting like  she did, running him down I would be wondering why he hasn't divorced me already. 

I grew up in a broken home with my father having multiple affairs while I was growing up.  My fathers first affair was confessed to my mom on my sisters 13th birthday. (Happy Birthday to my sister, needless to say she will never forget that day for the rest of her life)  I was 4.  The last affair (confessed that is..) came out when I was 21.  My parents are still together and have fought like cats and dogs for years and still do.  I am now 35. 

I just have this to say to people who think it is just "sex" or maybe not sex just "a friendship".  THIS AFFECTS EVERYONE in the home.  If you truly think that no matter unfaithful you are to your marriage that you can still be a good parent, you are lying to yourself and just making yourself feel better about what you are doing to your spouse and your children.    

No one holds a gun to your head and forces you to be married.  If you want to play around, stay single and wear a condom.  Do not bring children into this world when you cannot commit yourself entirely to your spouse.  Children deserve to be brought up in a household where they know what love is and how to pursue their own relationships WITHOUT BAGGAGE. 

I am thankful that I have sought therapy for my own insecurities brought on by the infidelity of my father but I will never forget the pain and suffering I watched my mom go through.  Not to mention in the words of Dr. Phil, my mom continues to kick his ass everyday since then.  My father too had a hard time "growing up" and had 3 kids before the age of 23. NO EXCUSE!  Suck it up!  My mother was an idealist who thought life could be like a romance novel. 

To all spouses of a cheater out there, DO NOT confide in your children regarding what your husband is doing.  My mother made that mistake with me and no child should know the in's and out's of her parents marriage/sex life.  Get a therapist and you are better off to GET OUT!  You are worthy of someone's love and respect and always remember LOVE SHOULDN'T HURT!!!